Gender Resolution

[CynthiaAnn]

While the morning handover was taking place for the day, I happened to mention that under my work clothes I was developing a female body. I mentioned that I run on female hormones and in my spare time I dress in a feminine manner.

That's great you've encountered another ally at work Kirsten, you are coming out there it seems...

C -

[Linde]

I plan on maintaining the tint- it looks quite natural, but it really adds a youthful/ feminine element.


   So that's me, bits of the inner woman are starting to show and tying to avoid the train wreck of 2016!

  Yours truly,
                     Kirsten xx.

I had hardly visible eyebrows, and had do draw them with a eyebrow pencil every time.  Th=he results were very different in outcome.  I was sick and tired of this and had mine "microbladed" .  This is a kind of tattooing done with a color that is matched to your hair color.  They don't use a needle for this but a scalpel like blade with think on, and they make little cuts to give the impression that you have hair there.  It looks very natural and my real brows provide the volume look for this .  I just tried to make a picture of it to give you an idea!

[Kirsteneklund7]

Kirsten, I had never read this thread before and to be honest I only read the original post.  I intend to catch up on it all at another time.  I believe in a gender spectrum.  Your comment that you heard from other people 'only transition if you have to'. 

I don't necessarily believe that.  What is 'have to'?  To prevent suicide?  To combat depression? To find peace? To be happy?  Where is the line about 'have to'?

Should every person on the transgender spectrum transition?  Absolutely not.  We each have to search ourselves and our own situation and come to a decision how to proceed.  There are trade offs for transitioning or not transitioning.

There are also many options on how to live our lives.  Binary, non binary, crossdressing, transitioning etc etc.

The only thing I keep beating the drum on is do not make these choices based on fear.  Make them based on who you are.

Good point Kim. In the past I thought it was simply transgendered or NOT, transition or NOT. When I first saw I therapist I was hoping they would just say you have some other condition that is easy to address. I have tied hard since 2015 to step away from all this but I now know it is not possible.

I still cant see a clear resolution to this, but I do have a plan.

The plan is public presentation. To blend in public as a regular woman will produce some answers for me I believe. I am getting through electrolysis- therapy with another psychologist whom I have already seen will help with the stress of public expression.

Also my voice is deeper and more resonant than the average man- I am going to work hard on this.

All this is a foot in each camp,- but that is how I want it until I can be comfortable as a woman in public.

              Yours gender conflicted, Kirsten.

[Kirsteneklund7]

I had hardly visible eyebrows, and had do draw them with a eyebrow pencil every time.  Th=he results were very different in outcome.  I was sick and tired of this and had mine "microbladed" .  This is a kind of tattooing done with a color that is matched to your hair color.  They don't use a needle for this but a scalpel like blade with think on, and they make little cuts to give the impression that you have hair there.  It looks very natural and my real brows provide the volume look for this .  I just tried to make a picture of it to give you an idea!

In your pics those brows look very natural & feminine. In fact there is something about your latest pictures that seems more feminine, maybe a more serene expression( I dont know). I have heard good things about blading' but I need to refine my "look" first.

I bet plans for SRS are exciting, it sounds like your life as a woman was a GOOD CHOICE !

Kirsten x.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Thanks to Kim for digging this post up, as it goes back to last year, I've read this and the replies and it places later posts by you Kirsten in a better context for me. Your "point of no return" post last month makes a little more sense now. Making the long range plans you mention above are the key to successful outcome, having a 3-5 year plan that can be revised as necessary. Be happy, being you, find your balance (ying / yang) between your needs and that of the family, no hurries. Where do you want to be ?

Well wishes

Cynthia -

Where I want to be is on good terms with my wife and sons(10 & 11). To be a good role model and instructor for my sons.

I also want to be my female self when I want to. To live and blend as a woman full time would be an ultimate dream. Do I have what it takes to be one of the girls? Do I have enough of the right stuff to really be a woman?, - I dont know but I am going to find out, - and not at the cost of my loved ones.

Yours truly,
                  Kirsten.

[Linde]

In your pics those brows look very natural & feminine. In fact there is something about your latest pictures that seems more feminine, maybe a more serene expression( I dont know). I have heard good things about blading' but I need to refine my "look" first.

I bet plans for SRS are exciting, it sounds like your life as a woman was a GOOD CHOICE !

Kirsten x.

I am glad that I did the blading thing, but I have to admit, it is a little painful, more so than electrolysis.  But when it is done, it is, just needs a little revision work in about 8 weeks.
I think that my orchi has pushed me over the edge towards full womanhood.  Estrogen now can do it's job to move the bacon around, and I am told that my face seems to be rounder now.  I have no problem to pass, no matter if I am with or without makeup.
All this gave me lots of confidence, which again, makes passing more natural.  When I am out and about now, I don't anymore hope that I pass, I don't even think about passing these days.

I know that you will come to this point, too.  I am working on this for 16 years already, it takes time and patience.

[Kirsteneklund7]

I am glad that I did the blading thing, but I have to admit, it is a little painful, more so than electrolysis.  But when it is done, it is, just needs a little revision work in about 8 weeks.
I think that my orchi has pushed me over the edge towards full womanhood.  Estrogen now can do it's job to move the bacon around, and I am told that my face seems to be rounder now.  I have no problem to pass, no matter if I am with or without makeup.
All this gave me los of confidence, which again, makes passing more natural.  When I am out and about now, I don't anymore hope that I pass, I don't even think about passing these days.

I know that you will come to this point, too.  I am working on this for 16 years already, it takes time and patience.

I would love to reach the point where I can pass without stress. Im going to give it my best shot.
Now tell me the worlds biggest secret, what does it feel like to be a woman!!?

Especially to mingle with the girls and just be one of them?

Kirsten.

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[CynthiaAnn]

Where I want to be is on good terms with my wife and sons(10 & 11). To be a good role model and instructor for my sons.

I also want to be my female self when I want to. To live and blend as a woman full time would be an ultimate dream. Do have what it takes to be one of the girls? Do I have enough of the right stuff to really be a woman?, - I dont know but I am going to find out, - and not at the cost of my loved ones.

Yours truly,
                  Kirsten.

There is nothing wrong with wanting it all  work slowly and methodically to realize your long term goals.

And yes I think you have what it takes and then some

Best

C -

[KathyLauren]

Your comment that you heard from other people 'only transition if you have to'. 

I don't necessarily believe that.  What is 'have to'?  To prevent suicide?  To combat depression? To find peace? To be happy?  Where is the line about 'have to'?

"Have to" can take many different forms.  In my case, it was that my female self, Kathy, refused to be hidden any longer.  She was going to be out one way or another, even if it meant being discovered by my wife.  My only choice in the matter was how I was going to manage it.  I was able to get ahead of the game and come out proactively, but, yes, I definitely "had to" transition.

[Linde]

I would love to reach the point where I can pass without stress. Im going to give it my best shot.
Now tell me the worlds biggest secret, what does it feel like to be a woman!!?

Especially to mingle with the girls and just be one of them?

Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

I am mostly with women only, and we talk women stuff, from makeup over clothing and all the other jazz (and about female hygiene, too, and sex).  Sometimes I have to remind them that i am missing some of the parts they have, and the reaction is, oh, we forgot.  How does it feel being a woman, it feels just right, kind of no pressure anymore to try to pretend to be a guy, and be in their competitive world.  Women are more with each other and help each other, guys seem to be needing to compete with each other all the time.  I have never felt that any of my lady friends are trying to be better than i, when they see some not so womanly behavior in me, they gently point this out so I can learn.
I still have the tendency to mansplain, and I am told when I am doing this, but in a very nice way!
I am a woman among other women!

[Kirsteneklund7]

I also wonder if that comfortable, easy interaction with the girls will become even better when you end up with the same parts they have!



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[Emma1017]

Dear Kristen:

I am so sorry I never knew you had your own thread.  I have been amazing selfish.

I read it all and I hope the "fence sitting" ends for you at some point if it continues to give you deep pains.  You know that I finally decided that, while I would take a bullet for my wife at anytime, I couldn't live with the constant cutting slices against my emotional soul for the rest of my life.

I hope that you find the right side of the fence that will make you the most happy!


Big hug,

Emma

[KimOct]

Emma - Be nice to yourself.      

Ashley taught me that early in our transition we focus inward.  It is part of the journey.  We need to figure who we are, why we are, what we want etc etc.

You will have time to pay it forward eventually.  And both your and Kirsten's thread are helping others that do not post their own stories.  They figure things out by reading how you are doing it.

[CynthiaAnn]

I also wonder if that comfortable, easy interaction with the girls will become even better when you end up with the same parts they have!

there is this peace of mind in certain scenarios that does comes with....

C -

[Linde]

I also wonder if that comfortable, easy interaction with the girls will become even better when you end up with the same parts they have!



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I don't think so.  I would not know what would bring me more into tune with them more than now.  There is no gender barrier left between us.  Today we were with three of us and one has a big pimple on her lower part of the rear end, and wanted to get our opinion about it.  She just pulled her panties down for me to take a look at it.

Can you have any closer interaction with another female?

Is this because they know that I am missing the  parts determining a man?

[Kirsteneklund7]

I don't think so.  I would not know what would bring me more into tune with them more than now.  There is no gender barrier left between us.  Today we were with three of us and one has a big pimple on her lower part of the rear end, and wanted to get our opinion about it.  She just pulled her panties down for me to take a look at it.

Can you have any closer interaction with another female?

Is this because they know that I am missing the  parts determining a man?

Quite right. They obviously feel very free and safe in your presence. Just another one of the girls - that must feel great!

Yours,  Kirsten

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[Kirsteneklund7]

Dear Kristen:

I am so sorry I never knew you had your own thread.  I have been amazing selfish.

I read it all and I hope the "fence sitting" ends for you at some point if it continues to give you deep pains.  You know that I finally decided that, while I would take a bullet for my wife at anytime, I couldn't live with the constant cutting slices against my emotional soul for the rest of my life.

I hope that you find the right side of the fence that will make you the most happy!


Big hug,

Emma

As for the fencesitting stalemate,
The only way to find out is to do it!

You arent selfish at all. This thread was piecewise over time. I often didnt have time to reply and interact on most days.

I didnt even plan on an ongoing narrative.  I just tried to externalise some angst by putting pen to paper.

Absolute pleasure to see you here by the way.

Yours, Kirsten.

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[Linde]

Quite right. They obviously feel very free and safe in your presence. Just another one of the girls - that must feel great!

Yours,  Kirsten

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I don't know how to express the feeling?  I actually did not feel any special or different than I do most of the time lately.
I think being around cis women only causes me to feel more like a cis woman, too.
I don't really think about trans anymore if I am not here on the forum.

[Kirsteneklund7]

"Have to" can take many different forms.  In my case, it was that my female self, Kathy, refused to be hidden any longer.  She was going to be out one way or another, even if it meant being discovered by my wife.  My only choice in the matter was how I was going to manage it.  I was able to get ahead of the game and come out proactively, but, yes, I definitely "had to" transition.

I like the idea of staying ahead of the game and being proactive as well. This next push in public should be interesting. My wife will know what is going on. She has already told me, " I dont want to see it though."

A lot has happened in the last couple of years and we still talk and get on- I believe there is hope.

I can't not do this !

         Thanks again for your thoughts Kathy,
                                                                 Kirsten.

[KimOct]

I like the idea of staying ahead of the game and being proactive as well. This next push in public should be interesting. My wife will know what is going on. She has already told me, " I dont want to see it though."

A lot has happened in the last couple of years and we still talk and get on- I believe there is hope.

I can't not do this !

         Thanks again for your thoughts Kathy,
                                                                 Kirsten.

Kirsten, The phrase I can't not do this !  says it all.  You have one life.  I say this all the time but it is true.
This is not your practice life.  Don't have regrets when you are near the end.