Good question Daniella!
I think that ultimately the fact that we are self-conscious and aware beings who are aware of our own mortality is the main reason why pressure builds in individuals the older they get. Some people handle it better than others though. For many though the pressure eventually breaks through and that's when crises begin, be that quarter-life, mid-life etc. It's a very strange experience knowing that you'll never do a particular thing, or that you'll never have the chance. When you're young (unless you've had a hopeless life from the start) there's this general, subconscious feeling of being able to do anything and having the time to do it. Life stretches out endlessly. it's only when you start to age that life starts to take on a definable measurement and then you begin to sense the time slipping away. Life is like a day - before 12pm/noon it stretches out infinitely. Then, afternoon comes and time feels shorter. And then evening arrives and it's the last chance before nightfall to do make a move.
I've certainly noticed a massive shift in my perception of myself and the world in the five years between being in my late twenties and early thirties. (which feels like it'd be around 3pm - 4pm on a clock). There's no longer a sense of indefinable time or of opportunity. There's instead an increasing sense of a grounded "well, this is me and this is what I was, and that's it. One day I won't be here and the world will go on". It can humble you and makes you realise that you aren't this unique being with the world being the stage for a drama revolving around you. Instead, you realise that you just exist in a massive machine you can't comprehend. And yet, at the same time, it can sharpen and refine the want and need to do things that you really must before it's too late. It can make you essentially strip back all of the jumble and noise of the endless possibility and opportunity of youth and force you to think about what you absolutely need and want as those endless opportunities and time thin out. It's both a horror and a liberation. What's the things you'd be devastated that you never got to do? Who is the person that you need to be in order to be at peace with getting older?
That's been my thought process in the past few years. Growing older and still having trans feelings means that while i've now lost the androgyny that would have made transitioning socially worthwhile, I also realise that i'll never be a square-jawed hunky male either. When I was younger I used to think that eventually I'd become a proper man and this trans issue would go away. But now that I'm past my physical prime and on the slide to middle-age, I don't have to worry about loosing out on being the proper young man family wanted me to be. That option has now gone. So it's quite simply now a question of - do I want to be middle-aged, bald, ugly and profoundly physical male locked into the social role that my appearance demands, or do I want to be middle-aged, slightly less ugly and with just enough femininity to pull off some of the appearance that I want and hopefully some closure to my feelings. It's a depressing outcome either way, but it's getting easier to make the decision. I wouldn't be risking a healthy 20-something body anymore if i transitioned, I'd be risking a 30+ body which will most likely start to initiate problems on its own soon anyway, regardless of if I transitioned or not.
Sometimes having choices removed for you by ageing process makes the process of deciding easier, even if it's not ultimately very rewarding as a result of this process.
I also agree with this, too!
QuoteMy unscientific theory is that with age cis women tend toward the masculine especially at menopause. Men tend towards the feminine at the same age. I think for a lot of us mental will + natural androgens keep our femininity suppressed. When cracks appear in the dam wall the whole thing tends to collapse. Mental will can be more exhausting at middle age as well.
When males and females get dumped by their hormones at andropause or menopause, it does seem to sometimes reveal feelings previously covered or controlled.
