RESTART BEING TRANS
WWhen I started HRT feb last year I was going female 90% of the time. But then six months ago depression reality a bad living situation and housing discrimination saet in. For a while I was just wearing baggy t shirts and womens jeans (only because none of my mems fit any more I tied my hair back and was just like any long hair dude. But I still got called ma'am or mis. If I wore one pink thing no one would call me sir. No make uo not trying to stand walk talk girly which is waaaay different then when I am in guy mode and just got sick of being inbetween, Worst is youre in a ->-bleeped-<-ty mood and your dressed like ->-bleeped-<- and you are told "This is the mens room" and you don't belong in the womans room at based on how I felt I was dressed. An incident while in baggy clothes in the ladies room would have gone down bad but its impossible to pees when people are telling you to leave. AAAAAAARGGHHH I just got sick of it all and had this really vivid lucid dream that taught me how to be trans how to be a girl how to be fem, it was great I kept waking myself up from the dream taking notes taking an ambian to go back to sleep did that about 3 times still wish I got it all. But here I am always doing my make up and hair 1st thing, always waering my flowery girl clothes and dresses. Everything I buy is a tombom butch lesbians nightmare ware drobe. The least comfortable it is the more I like it! I think I have a new name for myself Nichole perhaps while I like Lexi and that what some people call me and some of my ID's say it sounds to much like lexus a stripper name or Alexandra a name I hate. Some times the best way to pass is to blend in. Nichole can also be chole or chloe'. Oh and my boobs just keep growing. I haven't made any attempt to keep my weight down or diet as Ideally I wan't the figure of a curvy hourglass full figure girl, like pin up girls. My butt is 2x bigger finally but its still shapped liked a guy butt I hate it and it causes HUGE self esteame issues especially since sexually I like doggy style and put in restraints with it facing out at BDSM clubs and I go from a kind of cute passible transgirl to a gross man cross dressor butt. Even if I could afford surgury my hips are small. Luckily I'm a small person so I don't suffer from V shape or big shoulders but if I could fix from my belly button to the top of my nice thick theighs I would do porn and be proud of it. I don't think I could do porn When I started HRT feb last year I was going female 90% of the time. But then six months ago depression reality a bad living situation and housing discrimination saet in. For a while I was just wearing baggy t shirts and womens jeans (only because none of my mems fit any more I tied my hair back and was just like any long hair dude. But I still got called ma'am or mis. If I wore one pink thing no one would call me sir. No make uo not trying to stand walk talk girly which is waaaay different then when I am in guy mode and just got sick of being inbetween, Worst is youre in a ->-bleeped-<-ty mood and your dressed like ->-bleeped-<- and you are told "This is the mens room" and you don't belong in the womans room at based on how I felt I was dressed. An incident while in baggy clothes in the ladies room would have gone down bad but its impossible to pees when people are telling you to leave. AAAAAAARGGHHH I just got sick of it all and had this really vivid lucid dream that taught me how to be trans how to be a girl how to be fem, it was great I kept waking myself up from the dream taking notes taking an ambian to go back to sleep did that about 3 times still wish I got it all. But here I am always doing my make up and hair 1st thing, always waering my flowery girl clothes and dresses. Everything I buy is a tombom butch lesbians nightmare ware drobe. The least comfortable it is the more I like it! I think I have a new name for myself Nichole perhaps while I like Lexi and that what some people call me and some of my ID's say it sounds to much like lexus a stripper name or Alexandra a name I hate. Some times the best way to pass is to blend in. Nichole can also be chole or chloe'. Oh and my boobs just keep growing. I haven't made any attempt to keep my weight down or diet as Ideally I wan't the figure of a curvy hourglass full figure girl, like pin up girls. My butt is 2x bigger finally but its still shapped liked a guy butt I hate it and it causes HUGE self esteame issues especially since sexually I like doggy style and put in restraints with it facing out at BDSM clubs and I go from a kind of cute passible transgirl to a gross man cross dressor butt. Even if I could afford surgury my hips are small. Luckily I'm a small person so I don't suffer from V shape or big shoulders but if I could fix from my belly button to the top of my nice thick theighs I would do porn and be proud of it. I don't think I could do porn now.
Plus I have hit the no return point (wish someone told me that this would happen so soon) so I have to go forward. Breasts this bigb/c are not going to go away with test. and weight lost, they are convex and have big puffy nipples. WAYpast gynocomastia surgury The nipples alone would stick out through a shirt if the boobs were gone. So I have to wear a bra when ever I'm out in public, plus they bounce and it hurts if Im walkig fast. Also my face has changed a lot. I don't think that is reverseable. I noticed it felt weird like the fat was thicker/thinner in different places but about 6 months ago my thrapist said after not seeing me for a month "I don't know exactly how but you face just looks feminine" Around that time looking in the mirror was a guess between placebo effect real change or self doubt seeing his face come back. My face was alway really feminine, more then one someone at one point said I should get plastic surgury to correct it. I smiled on the inside knowing one day that would come in handy when I became trans. Although sucked as a kid when they would always mistake me for a girl especially when my voice was high.
Since this is going on forever I hope it serves as an owners manual to someone else who realizes transitioning is about 1% what you expect it to be and 90% surprises and 9% crying out in public because the store is out of chocolate ice cream. The other perminate thing besides the face seems to be the shrinkage of the both the penis and testicles. They told me testicles would shrink they have some what but mine were never big I alway fit right into M and L sized womens underware even the sexy ones (That I can say is one of my favorite parts of my transition. I couldn't imagine having your junk get in the way or wearing boxers under all these pretty clothes. I also can wear the real nasty skanky underwear under my normal girls clothes, and its my little secret. But what worries me is the pennis is getting really small, like I have to sit down to pee some times its too far back to pull out and aim. Once a month when I have the urge to jerk off (although never able to finsh EVER except that one time clear stuff came out) its like down to 3". If I do need SRS thats a very small vagina. For me I'm straight: I like to have sex with women as a man, don't like gay sex, but I WOULD LOVE to have sex with a man as a women with a proper butt and vagina. I feel claustrophbic that I'm technically a virgin right now. Maybe I can get used to anal its justwell blechhhhh...nasty. Feel like I have to go when hes in then I worry about making a mess the whole time nd cant focus on the sex even though there is nothing to go out.
Anyways theres just some thing about feeling my soft pale skin with just a little bit of body fat under accented with bright pink toes and fingernales with matching bra and panties that feel like they were made for me. Some people like boxer shorts or loose cotton brefs I'll take the smooth siky ones (and some times the leather ones) anyday that is comfort and class.
I had another part of this but I hit the back space key taking back the browser what a stupid udse for that key. So many great works of literature have been lost by me pressing that key.
one day Im going to make a manual for all transgirls with my body type and genetics. Its like we were born to be women but but that damn butt!!!!!! I need a sign that I can hold out at the intersection "hungry,need fat to depositin/around my ass. Will work but not to hard for food and burn off those precious butt calories.
