Okay, fam. Prepare yourselves for this...
Are you prepared? Is the wine chilled? Are your feet up?
Good. Because I went DRESS shopping with THE GIRLS. This is huge for me. A milestone and a revelation. A little backstory, my cisgender friend K recently moved to our town and though we've never been super tight, we have daughters around the same age so we've recently been having play dates for the girls and wine dates for the women (I'm talking about
me here.) She mentioned off-handedly about three weeks ago that she still hadn't bought anything to wear to the wedding and without really thinking I leapt in and offered my fashion services for a mall outing. She immediately seized on the idea and before I knew it, her friend D was added to the roster making this my first official GIRLY DAY OUT.
Two weeks flew by but about a week before the shopping trip, I suddenly got butterflies in my stomach. What if I make a fool of myself? What if I'm absolutely clueless about what I like or don't like or I send this poor woman home in tears because I said the wrong thing or forgot to nod at the right moment?
What the hell am I doing??? Then I started to fret about what I was going to wear? What were they going to wear? I know enough women and I've observed enough women at the mall to know that most don't wear club dresses and heels for a long day of rack raiding. But I actually didn't decide what to wear until the day of and then it came together quickly and, if I may so, stylishly? Even my makeup which I had to put together in half an hour because I was running late, went on without a hitch.
Dare I say it?
I looked kind of cute and... hip? For a woman in her 40s anyway. I wore my ASOS grey skinny jeans with a pair of adidas kicks with teal laces I used to replace the boring grey ones. If you're looking to girl up androgynous or boy shoes btw, ribbon for laces or color pop laces can be a fun detail and show you put thought into your look. My laces happened to match my winter beanie hat so they kind of pulled the whole look together. I had on a slightly oversized cardigan in a darker grey over my black see-thru Uniqlo button down and a black lace bralette. While I didn't receive compliments on my outfit, I didn't really expect to. The point is, it was camouflage. I blended in a way i thought would be impossible for me just a year ago. I didn't have to "own my look," a phrase you'll hear a lot of as a tall girl, even at 6'2" and boy shoes, because people didn't give me a second glance.
Did I pass? Probably not? But no one bothered to clock me either. I wasn't the target of whispering campaigns even when I walked among the teenagers looking for the perfect quincinera dress. I just was and it was fantastic.
I feel like I buried the lede here. SHOPPING. WITH THE GIRLS.
Our main goal was getting K her dress and shoes. All that worrying I did about whether I would have an opinion or feel validated in the words i said went immediately out of my head as I went spinning from rack to rack choosing looks that matched with K's description of a "dark colored, fit and flare style dress, not too short with a bit of edge." We didn't always agree on our choices but there's no cost or sin in trying on anything and
everything you
think might work.
Now, I didn't need a dress or shoes. I have had my dress and shoes picked out for
months but I took a cue from D who told me she had also had her dress and shoes picked out in advance but and I quote, "I'm not married to the look. If I see something better..." So although it took me a few laps to get comfortable, by the second store, I was also trying on dresses in the same fitting room (you may not know but the big department stores usually have at least one party-size fitting room) and sometimes, even trying on the SAME dress as each other. That was one of the highlights for sure.
When we started trying on stuff, I was a little shy about being in the same dressing room as my friends excusing myself to stand outside after each new look, and then K just flat out told me it didn't bother her if I stayed to which D agreed. And then we were just girls, having fun, playing dress up griping about our physical shortcomings, and I, well, I don't think I'll ever be a boy again.
Wipes tear away...
I think an important lesson i learned and one which every transgender woman should take to heart, is that a lot of women who have been doing this their whole lives, struggle with it at some point; the hair, the makeup, the shoes, the accessories, the right clothes. It takes
work, and other women, and an adventurous spirit to look really good. I am just glad to have done my part in helping others. And although I didn't buy the dress with the Day of the Dead like color palette that looked so cute on me, K and D did help me choose some accessories to finish my look and I'm also probably going to buy that dress online or tell the store to hold it because I want to wear it and think of this day.
P.S. one way in which I was bluntly told I did
not have as much experience as others was in the pre-buying "justification of purchase" ritual which pulls in algebra, trigonometry, astronomy and alchemy to make the numbers bend to the will of the woman and "provide evidence that buying these shoes is not only necessary but somehow beneficial to finances." They said, don't worry. You'll get it. I'm already starting to. XD
I repeat. I'll never be a boy (I should probably say man here) again. Not that I ever was.
