Finally started down the path.

[Sabrina Rei]

I hope that you can stay strong through all this, and stay focused on the silver lining! The happier you are, and the more you are staying true to yourself, the more it will rub off on others. And if not, then the place in your life those people hold, have changed. We have to look to the future and forget the past, no matter how hard that is.

BIG HUGS!
Lacy

Thanks for this <3   --Back at ya, babe.

[Sabrina Rei]

You look like you are having such a good time!

I really like that picture!   You are photogenic!

Chrissy

Thank you! I am not being falsely modest when I say that rarely have I been called photogenic. In the past I've always been really self conscious about my photos, probably ruining them with a goofy expression or pose. I have to think that maybe being comfortable with myself, has brought out more of my natural charm?

[Cheaney]

I'm mainly a lurker here. That doesn't sound creepy at all does it?[emoji3]

But I enjoy reading your posts. Obviously because I go through some of the same things but also because of how well you write.

One of the most incredible things that I'm discovering is how complete I feel now. From coming out to myself and everyone else and now 6 months hrt, I'm feeling so many different things that I never have before. Shoot even just feeling multiple things at one time is new for me. But feeling COMPLETELY comfortable and content and proud of who we are along with just being happy being happy is obviously life changing! I'm going from introverted almost antisocial to being mad at myself if I DON'T talk to people. It's mind bending but I think I can get used to this! I'm not passable and probably won't ever get there but I'm so proud that I'm trans and the route that I took to get to this point in my life. And of course who I'm becoming!

Keep the stories coming! You have a great looking family! Just keep plugging away when it comes to the hard times. The "We" is always more important than the "I". That's always helped my wife and I when life sucks.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Sabrina Rei]

But feeling COMPLETELY comfortable and content and proud of who we are along with just being happy being happy is obviously life changing!

Amen, sister! Thanks for speaking up. I'm glad I could lure you out of lurking mode. I've definitely done my share too.

[Sabrina Rei]

I came out to everyone else who works on my show and I did it... with this letter (which is so very me)

Hello fellow <REDACTED>!

I hope the day finds you happy and in good health. I have some news to share...

I'm transgender! (Yay me!)

Boom.

Cue M. Night Shymalan style flashback to all the subtle hints peppered through out the time you've known me that portend this major twist.

Shocked? Don't feel bad. Most people are. At least here at <PLACE WHERE WE WORK> where I've had the camouflage of eccentricity from the get go (as well as awesome Justin Bieber hair.) Now, when I say that I am transgender, I mean that I am currently undergoing hormone therapy with the intention of medically transitioning into a female who shares my charming looks, style and skills in the "bay."

I'm telling you this because, well, I'm about 6 months into treatment and things are accelerating at a rate that's making it both difficult and undesirable to keep myself under wraps in both a figurative and literal sense. I've already told my truth to <NAMES REDACTED> but I figured it was time to bring the rest of the family on board.

It's going to be a while before I officially come out through the proper channels as I've only just started the conversation with HR (and I haven't yet started the application for name change, etc.) but I want to be clear that this isn't some big secret. I'm not ashamed and I'm not hiding. I've been out and proud since 2013.

Seeing as how I'll be switching teams, so to speak, the name <REDACTED> is going to be an awkward fit in due time. I would prefer, when you feel comfortable, that you call me <REDACTED> which is short for, in this case, <REDACTED>  Whatever! It's a name that suits me and should I desire to jump to news anchor, <NAME REDACTED> has a nice ring to it. Ah alliteration.

By the way, don't sweat it if you forget or something. I'm pretty chill about the whole pronouns/old name thing.

Anyway, my congratulations to you all. If I'm your first transgender friend or co-worker, I have to tell you... you couldn't have asked for a better one! If you have any questions I am not shy about answering them, go wild either in e-mail or in person.

So, now with that out of the way, let's get back to making AWESOME TV together.

Reporting for <REDACTED>,

I'm <NAME REDACTED> back to you <REDACTED>

It went over well and everyone has been super supportive so far. I also met with HR to go over some details. I'm afraid I caught my rep unprepared but I eased her through the initial steps and stoked her enthusiasm. Turns out, I'm her first transgender employee. I heard later from my boss that she was seen reading up on matters relating to transgender people. So, I feel pretty good about being the bridge to her understanding.

I may not be out to the rest of the newsroom (I'm waiting on making an official statement until I feel like it's time to change which restroom I use) but that hasn't stopped me from wearing makeup everyday since sending the letter and the HR meeting and generally just being myself. No one seems to care one way or another except when they caught me singing "Wuthering Heights" while dancing down the hall like an idiot but I don't think that had to do with my gender expression. XD

"Heathcliff! It's me! I'm Cathy! I've come home and I'm... so c~~~~OLD letmeinthroughyourwind~~~~OW"

[Sabrina Rei]

In case you somehow don't know this classic Kate Bush song there's never a bad time to get acquainted.

[Sabrina Rei]

I don't know what I set out for with today's outfit, but I like where I landed. XD

This is basically my boy mode now.

Half of my clothes in this photo are menswear but I think it kinda works for a woman and I wore my beanie like a beret, holding it halfway up my hairline with bobby pins as if it were a fascinator.



My boss called my by my preferred name today and it sounded angry and alien coming out of his mouth but mostly because it was such a monumental shift! The funny thing is... I'M not used to it yet!

My friend says I look like I could be Maggie Mae Fish's sister.

[sarahc]

Getting pretty male-fail-ish in that photo there... . I assume you're getting a lot of confused looks out in the world.

[GingerVicki]

I really do not see a guy in the photo.

[Sabrina Rei]

Getting pretty male-fail-ish in that photo there... . I assume you're getting a lot of confused looks out in the world.

That's pretty exciting if so! I've had a few strange looks here and there but probably because my voice is so incongruous.  :/

I really do not see a guy in the photo.

LOVE EMOJI.

[Sabrina Rei]

You might not be able to tell but I used to be really EMO. Probably before EMO was EMO. I was in several bands as a vocalist (if you're good someday I might share one of those catatastrophes XD) Anyway, I was digging through my stuff looking for a poem I wrote for my wife and I found some old lyrics that kind of showed who I was at the time. It's called "joy less joy"

your favorite food lost its flavor
and the apple of your eye
is writhing with worms tonight
but still you eat it up, still you insist on kissing things goodbye

why?

"a trick of the light, must be a trick of the light"
sometimes they play dead, sometimes they play alive
pathetic shadows wandering, clueless to their disguise

all feeling is gone
how can you hold on
when the pressure points are numb?

DREAM ME WHERE I DIE
BURN ME WHERE I HIDE

THERE'S NOTHING LEFT INSIDE
BUT WHAT'S BEEN COMPROMISED
I'M SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE

living amidst regret
seconds come like minutes.

faces of the dead betrayed
linger in your eyes
creeping onto the happy smiles
of every innocent child
though you struggle in vain
to wipe them away
their memory will not be denied
it lives on to be justified.

it's not any one thing that kills
more the sum of the parts
more the hole at the heart

joy less joy... abandon this heart.. to the void
you can grow a better one
(this time/i/will not pretend/the lives i touch/are meaningless
(in time/all connections/come with/dire consequences)

endless voyage... into the dark... set the ship aflame
someone has to light the way ahead
(in time/all connections/come with/consequences

(this time/i will not

I WILL NOT.

Upon close inspection it's definitely scratching at my dysphoria.

[Sabrina Rei]

The date is set. January 7th, 3 days before the company party I will have my name changed on my company e-mails, systems etc. except where a legal name change is required to alter information like paychecks etc, and my gender transition will be official. That's the day I will start to use the women's restroom as well, which is not a big deal but also kind of nerve wracking. I don't have the opportunity to introduce myself to all the people who come and go in our building, and I feel like the first month or so is going to be hella awkward.

Anyway, after my meeting with HR today, I told a woman I often work with on graphic elements for our shows and she was super cool about it but this guy I sometimes work with heard my proclamation and started laughing, barely able to contain himself from full out s->-bleeped-<-ing. I wanted to call out his behavior but in the end I thought, if I'm not tough enough to put up with a little ridicule and humiliation, then I should just stop now. I won't validate his reaction but I also am doing my level headed best to ignore it. Not everyone is going to be an instant ally after all. Man, I wanted to dress him down though...

Some part of me knows this is the right time, but another part of me thinks I should've waited 6 months. LOL. Glad I didn't.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Elle's bells
Dear Elle:
Definitely very exciting news for you to share with all of us following your transition journey and your thread.
Having your company make the changes needed to affirm your gender and your new name is so confidence building for you.  Such good news. 
Each and everytime you come-out to new people it will become easier and easier and it will be a less awkward experieince for you as you continue on.

You did the RIGHT THING by taking the high road and ignoring the guy that you sometimes work with...  responding in any way to his snickering and laughing would have just be a signal to him that he hit a nerve with his insulting behavior.  Again, you did "good" by just biting your tongue and moving on and ignoring him..... that maybe should be the lesson for all transitioners facing ridicule and insults....   ignore, walk away, holding your head high. 

I am looking forward to reading your continuing updates.... your are about to travel in a place in your journey that may be the most exciting and self-affirming part of your transition.

Thank you for sharing and posting...
Hugs and well wishes as always.
Danielle

The date is set. January 7th, 3 days before the company party I will have my name changed on my company e-mails, systems etc. except where a legal name change is required to alter information like paychecks etc, and my gender transition will be official. That's the day I will start to use the women's restroom as well, which is not a big deal but also kind of nerve wracking. I don't have the opportunity to introduce myself to all the people who come and go in our building, and I feel like the first month or so is going to be hella awkward.

Anyway, after my meeting with HR today, I told a woman I often work with on graphic elements for our shows and she was super cool about it but this guy I sometimes work with heard my proclamation and started laughing, barely able to contain himself from full out s->-bleeped-<-ing. I wanted to call out his behavior but in the end I thought, if I'm not tough enough to put up with a little ridicule and humiliation, then I should just stop now. I won't validate his reaction but I also am doing my level headed best to ignore it. Not everyone is going to be an instant ally after all. Man, I wanted to dress him down though...

Some part of me knows this is the right time, but another part of me thinks I should've waited 6 months. LOL. Glad I didn't.

[Jessica_Rose]

Elle, that is awesome news! I waited until my legal name change was complete before going full-time because I did not want to be dead-named all the time in emails! The first month or so can be really hard, but the biggest obstacles I encountered were in my mind. Keep your chin up, and be proud of who you are. Tell yourself you own the place. The time will pass quickly, and soon everything will seem normal again -- except now you get to wear nicer clothes and use the ladies room!

If anyone openly mocks you, definitely mention it to HR. No one needs to put up with a toxic work environment. Avoiding direct confrontation is always a good idea. I wish you the best of luck young lady!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Sabrina Rei]

Just a quick note. As you can see, I donated to Susan's this month (I used to donate under a different username long ago but not until recently been active again) and I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to encourage anyone who enjoys this thread or any of the other wonderful threads here to as well. Susan's is not only a fantastic resource that has helped me immeasurably through the various phases of my transition but it's a warm sanctuary, a book club, a diary where I can record my thoughts and share my stories as well as enjoy the companionship and tales of some of the nicest most generous women on the planet. If you have the means, please consider making a donation to keep susan's free for all who need it.

Thank you.

[Kendra]

Elle I totally agree, this is also why I donate.  My transition was definitely better due to information I gained here -  people who understand and have faced many similar challenges, discovering questions I didn't even know to ask.  Sharing experience.  This site did impact my life and future and I hope the site can continue to be available to others.  I've met some amazing women here, and men, and nonbinary. 

[Nina]

I too donated a few weeks ago. This site hasn't necessarily helped me, but I contributed because I know it helps others.
If I had one wish, and I know donating doesn't give me the right as I don't own this site, but I wish topics weren't locked so fast because of disagreements. We're all adults here, I'm sure we should be able to endure banter even if it is around politics or religion. I'm not saying a full assault on ones ideals, but surely healthy conversation from both sides of an argument is good. I believe in agreeing to disagree.
In Facebook I belong to a couple "uncensored" groups...which is good. If something doesn't agree with me or it offends me, I move on. Can't let it bother me.

[Phlox1]

And on that note I want to add that of all the forums I have visited or continue to visit that relate to other topics, people on this site are by far the most polite people I have ever encountered on any internet site.

[Sabrina Rei]

I too donated a few weeks ago. This site hasn't necessarily helped me, but I contributed because I know it helps others.
If I had one wish, and I know donating doesn't give me the right as I don't own this site, but I wish topics weren't locked so fast because of disagreements. We're all adults here, I'm sure we should be able to endure banter even if it is around politics or religion. I'm not saying a full assault on ones ideals, but surely healthy conversation from both sides of an argument is good. I believe in agreeing to disagree.
In Facebook I belong to a couple "uncensored" groups...which is good. If something doesn't agree with me or it offends me, I move on. Can't let it bother me.

For me that comes down to the question of what I want out of Susan's. While I would gladly get into spirited conversation about politics or religion with individual people here, it's not really why i come and I have plenty of other social spaces where I can engage in that practice. I wonder if maybe Susan's has to remain somewhat neutral in order to foster an atmosphere of welcoming to those who might be intimidated or scared off by that kind of volatile discourse? Susan opens her doors to people at their most vulnerable, and I feel like it kind of needs to stay a judgement free zone across the board.

[Sabrina Rei]

The bathroom conundrum!!!

Duh Duh Daaaaah!!

So I learned some stuff yesterday when I decided to wear a slightly bolder shade of lip color to work. Firstly, PEOPLE NOTICE THAT. I've been wearing full makeup for over a week now including eyeshadow, eyeliner wings, foundation, blush, nude lip colors in addition to all women's clothes but half the guys at the news station barely seemed to notice and girls were mostly giving me winky eyes like, "hey girl, I see you." But add a little brighter lip shade and BOOM, the guys are all taken by surprise!

I polled my girl squad about this and the consensus is that even for women wearing a bold lip shade signifies something and often elicits assumptions like, "Going somewhere fancy?" Ugh. I immediately regretted my choice but silly me, I used a marker like lip stain that I love that lasts super long and is REALLY tough to remove.

Before I was using the men's room with very little issue but I crossed some invisible threshold and now its completely awful. So, I used the ladies room... down the very long hall on the opposite side of the complex because I don't feel like having that conversation yet and I sit on my rear end all day so I need the exercise anyway. First thing I notice... they have awesome lighting and a full length mirror! You'd think we would have that in the mens room since the news anchors use it as their changing rooms half the time but no TERRIBLE LIGHTING.

Look at this dope lighting!



Anyway, baby steps. I chickened out later when I had to use the bathroom and darted into the men's room. When I came out I nearly gave a bearded old guy a conniption as he seized up after getting a look at me coming out of the men's room. I just apologized profusely and moved on but I gotta just pull the plug and go team ladies lest I seize up any more grandpas XD

Seriously though I wanted to crawl into a hole and die and I wish HR had just told me which to use. I could've used some strict authoritarian decision making and a company wide email stating my status (they denied this request stating it was "proven to do more harm than good." Okay?)

That leaves it on me to make the women at my work comfortable with me in their spaces and that's just... a lot. It's news so it's hard to know when to make that kind of talk.