Does IT Ever Simply Go Away?

[Dani]

I shall simply have to muddle on.

All the best,

Katy

Katy,

I muddled on for over 50 years. It is difficult to do and not always successful.

Everyone's circumstances change over time. Mine changed when the kids were on their own and my SO did not want to be related to me anymore. We are referred to as late transitioners.

Take care. You never know what the future will be for you. 

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Katy

I'm afraid I must also say "No". It can be buried or suppressed temporarily but it always comes back and as the years go by, it returns with greater ferocity.

I had to deal with it last year aged 62 because it became so dominant, that I couldn't get it off my mind day or night for the previous year. I decided to seek therapy and then went onto HRT last February and fully intend to go fulltime in 2019. My advice to you is to at least seek therapy and consider HRT along with remaining on this website of course.

I'm sorry but it simply never goes away.

I wish you satisfactory resolution whichever route you may consider.

Hugs

Pamela

[TonyaW]

Katy,

I don't recall you mentioning seeing a therapist.  If you haven't,  that may be a place to start.  It would be someone you could at least talk to about everything.

There are some here that are not transitioning for whatever reason and as Dena mentioned, some of them use low dose HRT to help with the dysphoria.



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[Katy]

I haven't seen a therapist.  Perhaps it is time for me to do so.  If only financial considerations weren't a factor, but alas they are.  Frugality is a necessity.

[Dena]

Some therapist charge on a sliding scale where what you pay is adjusted according to your income. If you can, see if you can locate a gender therapist as they will be more familiar with issues related to ->-bleeped-<-. When your looking for a therapist, explain your financial situation and ask if adjustments can be made.

[GingerVicki]

No matter how much I pushed my feeling aside they always came back. It was going to sleep every night and having the same nightmare. It did not matter how much alcohol I drank or how much weed i smoked. I forgot for a while, but it always came back. It only made things worse. Then I felt guilty and dysphoric.

I wished dysphoria has an off switch.

[Karen]

Such a good and consistent conversation. 

I agree with all that has been said.

I suppressed IT for the most part for over 50 years, with elements of female envy, living through my wife and some female expression...I though I was broken and I had serious personal homo phobia.  I did not have the definition or language to explain it and I felt broken inside.  As soon as I asked myself, 'what if I embraced this feminine side' and a friend explained transgender to me, the dam broke wide open with no going back. 

Thankfully with therapy and light HRT things are much better, but the dysphoria and lomgimg persists but in a calmer way. 

I would really encourage a therapist.  It can be a very lonely and dark place when things heat up and you don't see options. 

Please take care.  Hugs

Karen.

[randim]

I haven't seen a therapist.  Perhaps it is time for me to do so.  If only financial considerations weren't a factor, but alas they are.  Frugality is a necessity.

Support groups are free.  It might be very helpful to talk to people who have been where you are and understand.  Of course, online, such as here, is very similar but there is something about face-to-face that is more significant. If there is an LGBT center near you you can probably get a pointer to trans support groups.

[Tara P]

The therapist or LGBT+ support group ideas are probably your best bet at figuring this stuff out.  A lot of us reach a point where we can only learn so much by ourselves.  We need help to get the rest of the way whether that is therapy or talking with other people who we can relate to.  Online support is invaluable and great, but it can seem more real talking about it in person.

No matter how much I pushed my feeling aside they always came back. It was going to sleep every night and having the same nightmare. It did not matter how much alcohol I drank or how much weed i smoked. I forgot for a while, but it always came back. It only made things worse. Then I felt guilty and dysphoric.

I wished dysphoria has an off switch.

Sorry that's rough.    I also tried to numb myself with drugs for a long time but it's a temporary and unhealthy "solution" in the long run.  At times I thought maybe I had just somehow convinced myself that this was the way I was and would try to just ignore those thoughts for awhile, and not read about it or interact with people online to talk about it, purge my feminine stuff, etc.

In hindsight that was silly since I've had these thoughts and dysphoria long before I even knew NB/transgender was a thing, and the dysphoria just came back stronger and faster every time.  I still don't know for sure where I'll end up on my journey but seeing a therapist at least gives me some hope that I will eventually figure out something that works.

[Danielle Kristina]

It didn't go away for me.  In fact, it got far stronger than ever!  That was the point when I decided to explore my feelings instead of ignoring and denying them, and I found out I'm transgender.  I was born trans and I'll be trans until the day I die and I'm ok with it.  I still battle with dysphoria, but I'm taking the necessary steps toward living comfortably in my own skin one day at a time.

Hugs!!!


Danielle

[Katy]

I slept the whole night through last night, the first time that this has happened in weeks.  What a difference a restful night makes!  Of course one doesn't overcome the sluggishness of sleep deprivation in a single night, but it is decidedly a step in the right direction.  Is this also a signal that this period of dysphoria on steroids is coming to an end?  Who knows?  I hope so.  A greater sense of equilibrium would be greatly appreciated.  Even if IT won't go away, it would be good if IT would lurk in the shadows for awhile so that I can recharge my batteries.

Thanks again for your concern and thoughtful responses. 

All the best,

Katy

[Angelic]

Yes, my trans feelings did go away for some hours. I don't think I have ever went more than a day or two without having trans fantasies.

So I think the main question you should ask is, have I ever been happy as a man?

I think, I have been happy doing some fun activities, but not at being a man "in of itself". And as a man I feel socially awkward, like I am a shadow-person, a stranger that cannot talk to anyone in public, and when I do talk to strangers it feels inauthentic and villainous. It is similar to the feeling of, being a demon, possessing someone's body, and when the stranger you are talking to laughs, you just fake laugh with them and mimic the small talk in order to pretend you are a normal person. Everything feels choreographed, scripted, non-spontaneous, like it is careful tactics, like James Bond's charisma.

No matter how much I pushed my feeling aside they always came back. It was going to sleep every night and having the same nightmare. It did not matter how much alcohol I drank or how much weed i smoked. I forgot for a while, but it always came back. It only made things worse. Then I felt guilty and dysphoric.

I wished dysphoria has an off switch.

What was the nightmare?

[Sarah77]

nope, but it definitely comes stronger and weaker in waves.

For me it becomes unbearable when I have to be my most masculine.
It is eased by any kind of female validation.

I have this strange reaction if I am complimented on anything male. For example, how attractive I am as a man.

It's like a kick in the stomach when people think they are being nice!

[zamber74]

If you could push a button and make IT go away, would you? 

That is what I have thought about in the past, and the answer is "no", but for one simple reason.  "IT" is what I am, without IT, I would not be me.  And that is the thing, it never will go away because it is a fundamental part of who I am, and while I can fight myself till the end of my days by trying to suppress who I am, it will always be there. 

The desire to break through, and live as I want does get strong, I think it is just the natural part of repression.  Perhaps that is the root cause of these waves that so many of us go through, we accept it partially, we toy around with the idea, then we are often defeated by unrealistic expectations both out of ourselves, and society, and while that may hold us back and repress such feelings, eventually our natural selves push back.

I don't know, I'm not a psychologist.

But I don't think it goes away, because it is who we are.  I think in transitioning, and allowing yourself to be "yourself" the feelings of repressing yourself may go away, I don't know though because I am still at the stage in my life where I'm too afraid to transition, where I feel guilty about not meeting society's expectations, and feel ashamed that I can not uphold some nonsensical standard my family and I have put on me.

Now only if there were a button, a huge red button labeled "I don't give a #*%" that would take away all of the negative feelings, that would let us just accept ourselves entirely and even love ourselves.. I would be pushing that button all day long.

[KathyLauren]

But I don't think it goes away, because it is who we are. 

From the perspective of a few years farther down the road, I don't agree.  Dysphoria was never who I was.  It was my reaction to not being who I really was.  Once I resolved to become my authentic self, it started to go away.  I am mostly there, and it is mostly gone.

[Danielle Kristina]

From the perspective of a few years farther down the road, I don't agree.  Dysphoria was never who I was.  It was my reaction to not being who I really was.  Once I resolved to become my authentic self, it started to go away.  I am mostly there, and it is mostly gone.

Hi Kathy,

I ageee that dysphoria is not who we are, but I would say that being transgender doesn't go away because it is who we are.  My therapist has been working toward me seeing myself as a trans woman as who I am, and I think I'm finally coming around to that.  My dysphoria may go away as I transition, but I will always be trans.  At least that's how I define "IT."

[ds1987]

I was just asking my partner the other night "what if there were an alternative treatment that I didn't know about?  What if transitioning isn't the only answer?"

But I'm a woman.  Transitioning is saving me from the darkness that lived in me before I accepted this truth.  That's the only way to be me.  There is no other treatment.

I don't necessarily see "transgender" as who I am, rather, transitioning is teaching me who I am. 

[Tara P]

I think, I have been happy doing some fun activities, but not at being a man "in of itself". And as a man I feel socially awkward, like I am a shadow-person, a stranger that cannot talk to anyone in public, and when I do talk to strangers it feels inauthentic and villainous. It is similar to the feeling of, being a demon, possessing someone's body, and when the stranger you are talking to laughs, you just fake laugh with them and mimic the small talk in order to pretend you are a normal person. Everything feels choreographed, scripted, non-spontaneous, like it is careful tactics, like James Bond's charisma.

Yeah it just feels awful constantly pretending to be something you aren't.  I feel like I am lacking a real connection with everyone I interact with because I'm not able to be who I am so they are just getting to know this persona I've created.  It's very lonely and being around people doesn't help because I'm just suffering inside trying to keep up this public persona that isn't me.  And missing out on meeting people who would like the real me because no one ever sees them.