Does it ever bother you that you will never be cis?

[Charlie Nicki]

This has been bugging me the past couple of days. I will never be a cis woman. When I imagined myself before transition I imagined myself having the life of a cis woman, not only the looks.  I just want to be "normal", not have a trans baggage or a constructed vagina that can't have children. It's not that I'm dysphoric about not being able to have children, it's that sometimes I feel like a "made in China" knock-off that will never be the real deal. I also can't get rid of my height, my frame, my hands, my feet...I will always be "trans" (visibly and in my life experiences) no matter what I do. Living in stealth could help me get the closest to having a cis life but that brings a whole new set of problems like having to lie to everyone about my past. I can't and don't wanna do that.

Anyway, I'm just venting. I know that's just the way things are, can't do anything to change it, just wish in my next life I'm a cisgender woman.

How do you cope with these feelings?

[Ryuichi13]

Honestly, I'm often too busy dealing with Life, the Universe amd Everything to worry about something I can't change. 

Currently, planning my top surgery along with dealing with my boyfriend's rapidly deteriorating hip joint is taking up my life right now.

Sure, it sometimes bothers me that I'll never be cis, but I can't do anything about it.  I would have loved to have been taught how to shave by my Dad, how to treat a lady properly (even though I'm gay [emoji6]) or how to do an oil change, but Life handed me this lemon-AFAB body, so I'm learning to make my own lemonaide.

Ryuichi

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[ds1987]

I've definitely dealt with this on numerous occasions, and I've let it suck me into self-pity, depression, and worthlessness.

But I'm starting to distance myself from "cis" and "trans" differentiation on a personal level.  Despite the importance of these terms in social, medical, and other public spheres, all they have done for me is cause a different rift in my being than the one that existed before I began to transition.

I'm a woman.  My body, my mind, my spirit are all a woman's body, mind, and spirit because if I'm a woman and those are mine, they are part of this woman.  Sure, I won't be able to have certain things a "cis" woman might have - or not, for some - but I have certain things a "cis" woman will never have.  Those things don't disqualify me or designate my womanhood as subpar.

I know, pretty words that sound all hopeful and Pollyanna-ish.  But words that are spoken, er, typed by someone who has dealt with the situation you find yourself in right now.

[TonyaW]

I get what you're saying. Intellectually I know I am female, and know and accept the differences of being a trans female.  Every now and then though, the emotions get control where it just feels like my body is never going to be right, I'm never going to be accepted, etc.  The spells generally pass after a little time when my brain can out think my emotions again. Sometimes just venting about it (Susan's is quite useful for that) helps speed that along. 

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[Devlyn]

I absolutely thought I was a cisgender man, and  I wasn't a happy person. Discovering the beautiful, vibrant woman inside me has filled my life with light.

So for me, the answer is a firm "No".

Hugs, Devlyn

[GingerVicki]

No, I like being me. I am unique. If I were cis I would not be me.

[Ann W]

I'm starting to distance myself from "cis" and "trans" differentiation on a personal level.  Despite the importance of these terms in social, medical, and other public spheres, all they have done for me is cause a different rift in my being than the one that existed before I began to transition.

I'm a woman.  My body, my mind, my spirit are all a woman's body, mind, and spirit because if I'm a woman and those are mine, they are part of this woman.  Sure, I won't be able to have certain things a "cis" woman might have - or not, for some - but I have certain things a "cis" woman will never have.  Those things don't disqualify me or designate my womanhood as subpar.

So true.

I know, pretty words that sound all hopeful and Pollyanna-ish.

Hope isn't trite. 

[Allison S]

I don't think going stealth is lying about one's past... I see it (if I'm ever lucky enough to pass, let alone be able yo go stealth..) as embracing lessons in life. My past hurt me the most and if I could cope by passing and having (most) people know me only as a woman, then I could make my life worthwhile. Otherwise (for me) I feel like I would be living my life for others... I don't know lol but I do wonder what being cis is like. I know before hrt, I was miserable and now that I'm on hrt I'm always going to be "trans". So I really don't and never will truly know what being cis even is.

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[randim]

If I could go back in time and pick my birth gender, I would pick female.  But that was not how I came out.  My socialization was different.  My life histories and experiences were different, and that does create some distance from what I can be as a transwoman and a cis woman. I feel something like more of a half-sister than full sister to cis women, though I sure do feel closely related. And I think there is no doubt that trans and cis women share bonds that don't exist with cis men. It does bother me.  I wish it could have been different, but it is not too useful to think much about what might have been, especially when nothing could ever been done to change it.

[krobinson103]

This has been bugging me the past couple of days. I will never be a cis woman. When I imagined myself before transition I imagined myself having the life of a cis woman, not only the looks.  I just want to be "normal", not have a trans baggage or a constructed vagina that can't have children. It's not that I'm dysphoric about not being able to have children, it's that sometimes I feel like a "made in China" knock-off that will never be the real deal. I also can't get rid of my height, my frame, my hands, my feet...I will always be "trans" (visibly and in my life experiences) no matter what I do. Living in stealth could help me get the closest to having a cis life but that brings a whole new set of problems like having to lie to everyone about my past. I can't and don't wanna do that.

Anyway, I'm just venting. I know that's just the way things are, can't do anything to change it, just wish in my next life I'm a cisgender woman.

How do you cope with these feelings?

Not any more. Being trans is a blessing because I can live a more complete life from both sides of the fence and I LOVE being now. You accept what you can't change, change what you can, and get on with enjoying life.

[Danielle Kristina]

It doesn't bother me.  Sure, I wish I were cis.  If I were offered a pill that could make me cis I'd ask for two of them.  But I'm not cis, never have been cis, and never will be.  And that's ok.  I'm transgender and I'm ok with it.

[KathyLauren]

No, it doesn't bother me at all.  I am a woman, and I am my true self.  I never wanted the cis experiences of pregnancy, childbirth, and menstruation, so I don't miss them. 

I did want to socialize as a woman and, with a bit of a learning curve, I am doing that.  And I wanted a female body, which I am still working on.  Life is good.

[Complete]

I hope everyone realizes that the term  "cis" was constructed / invented to draw a distinction between you and ordinary women,  natal woman who were born female and then raised and enculturated as women.
That distinction did not exist until it was created in some misguided effort to....I don't know make us feel different?

[Michelle_P]

I'm a woman.  I always have been, even though I didn't know it or couldn't admit it. (Stupid toxic culture...)

Cis and Trans are arbitrary boxes drawn by this culture to try and keep us all sorted into nice tidy bins.  OK, but that just means I'll use the culture's sorting criteria and social mechanisms to force it to regard me as being in the bin I find most appropriate, rather than the one some high priest or administrator has decreed.

I'm a woman.  I took a longer, more convoluted path than most to my womanhood.  That path is irrelevant.

I am a woman.

[zirconia]

It does.

As for coping—well, I don't know whether I do. If so, it may be by acknowledging that I do sort of like some aspects of myself, and that probably some of them would never have come to be had I been born and raised with a body like that of my sisters.

[Ryuichi13]

I hope everyone realizes that the term  "cis" was constructed / invented to draw a distinction between you and ordinary women,  natal woman who were born female and then raised and enculturated as women.
That distinction did not exist until it was created in some misguided effort to....I don't know make us feel different?

Cis actually wasn't a recently "invented" word, but a Latin word used to define those that are "on this side of."  Trans means "on the other side of," and as this wikipedia article explains, is often used in scientific circles, among other places. 

I found this out recently when researching something else.  Apparently, using the term "cisgender" to mean those people that are not transgender is a relatively recent development, and its explained a bit further in the article.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cisgender#Etymology_and_terminology

I"m simply happy that I now know "I'm not the only trans person" like I used to think I was, and also that there's an actual term for what I am.  When you have ADHD, sometimes terms make understanding the world we live in a little easier to understand. 

Ryuichi

[CarlyMcx]

I'm too old to waste time worrying about stuff like that.

Let me put it this way:  let's say your dream car is a Yenko 427 Camaro, but you can't afford an original, all you can afford is a recently constructed clone.

Are you going to stand in your garage crying about it?

Sorry, I'll be out burning the tread off the tires and blasting tunes on the stereo.  Every little bit of femininity I get a chance to experience is cause for celebration, every look at a mirror a reason to smile.  As long as I can fill out a bikini, I'm heading for the pool or the beach. 

[Ann W]

This has been bugging me the past couple of days. I will never be a cis woman. When I imagined myself before transition I imagined myself having the life of a cis woman, not only the looks.  I just want to be "normal", not have a trans baggage or a constructed vagina that can't have children. It's not that I'm dysphoric about not being able to have children, it's that sometimes I feel like a "made in China" knock-off that will never be the real deal. I also can't get rid of my height, my frame, my hands, my feet...I will always be "trans" (visibly and in my life experiences) no matter what I do. Living in stealth could help me get the closest to having a cis life but that brings a whole new set of problems like having to lie to everyone about my past. I can't and don't wanna do that.

Anyway, I'm just venting. I know that's just the way things are, can't do anything to change it, just wish in my next life I'm a cisgender woman.

How do you cope with these feelings?

I've been out of the egg for nearly a year and a half. Although, once in a while, I do get a visit from the doubt fairy, I have known from that time and from the core of my being who I am.

And maybe that's why it can be hard to look at myself and see what I'm saddled with. Lately, it's been getting harder.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but it's my answer -- at least for now.

Life isn't perfect, for anyone. Many people -- not just us -- are stuck with afflictions that will affect them all their lives. Their nature may be physical, biochemical or psychological; but, whatever they are, they are permanent.

I think we can get some guidance from watching such people and seeing how they handle their situations. Some let themselves be swallowed up by them. Some take it out on other people, or society at large. Some simply overcome. And some, like Stephen Hawking or Helen Keller, overcome spectacularly.

I think we should recognize, first, that we aren't alone in our sorrows. We have each other. And then there's acceptance: accept that some things probably won't change and ask yourself, "Do I want to spend the rest of my life grieving over what I can't have, or do I want to spend it enjoying what I can?" I think it's a mistake to try to pretend that things are not the way they are for us; but it's also a mistake to dwell on it. Everyone gets dealt some bad cards; what matters is what we do with them. And, sometimes, what looks like the worst hand in the world turns out to be the best hand. You never know what's coming around the corner.

[DawnOday]

No not at all. I tried to live my assigned sex. Two wives, two kids but always at the back of my mind were the fact that I hated that thing. I've been laughed at. Asked if I was deformed and I had to say yes because it's true. I've still got it unfortunately but now at least with the estrogen I'm not going crazy because of it. The only thing I miss are periods and bearing children. It was always on my prayer list but...

[warlockmaker]

I live a life as a female and am totally accepted as one. I have listened for hours about their hardships and problems with new ones emerging constantly. Often thinking how lucky I am not to have some of their problems. I have cried with them as their realtionship have broken up, as new health issues emerge, and their life tradjedy.. I have been accepted to the female tribe, yet, I am proud to be the third gender.  Many come to me to consult and help them understand men and I am given the opportunity to understand  what it is to be a woman.