24/7 for Four Days

[LauraE]

Having been on HRT for seven weeks, I've experienced few physical and mental changes, but I know they're coming. I've written before that given my age, there's no chance I'll ever be passable. In addition, I'm terrified of losing friends, family, and neighbors, so my intention is to always dress indoors and to be stealth outside. I do plan on continuing my electrolysis (probably in Chicago, and getting FSS in two years.

I've meet another transwoman who has been transitioning for several years and is completely passable. She's been very supportive and has encouraged me to visit her so we can spend some time together. I leave this evening to travel to her and, while I'm there, I'll be dressing 24/7. I'm partially terrified but I know I'll have her support and encouragement. It scares me to be stared at and to be whispered about, but I'm taking this shaky step forward.

I can't believe how much I've packed for a four-day trip. I'm bringing more outfits, dresses, and shoes than I could ever wear.

I'll provide an update when I return.

Laura

[Northern Star Girl]

@lauraelliott1951
Dear Laura:
This is very exciting and frightening at the same time for you.    I know that this is easier said than done, but please don't be overly concerned about what strangers say or if they stare at you....  after all they are strangers and many of them are rude idiots that would make derogatory comments to anyone different than themselves.   When exposed to that, just walk away, head held high and keep a smile on your face... no response from you is the best response in my opinion.

Oh yeah, packing your clothes and other items for a 4 day trip is much more involved for a woman for sure...  more and bigger suitcases are needed !!!!   

The good news is that you will be with your tran-woman friend while away on your trip.... safety in numbers!!!!

And yes, absolutely yes,
we all will be looking for your updates after your trip... or if you have some internet time while there you could give us an idea of how things are going for you.....   

Of course, and only if you feel so led, any pictures would be a nice addition to any updates that you post.

Hugs and well wishes ........ travel safety and return safely.
Danielle

Having been on HRT for seven weeks, I've experienced few physical and mental changes, but I know they're coming. I've written before that given my age, there's no chance I'll ever be passable. In addition, I'm terrified of losing friends, family, and neighbors, so my intention is to always dress indoors and to be stealth outside. I do plan on continuing my electrolysis (probably in Chicago, and getting FSS in two years.

I've meet another transwoman who has been transitioning for several years and is completely passable. She's been very supportive and has encouraged me to visit her so we can spend some time together. I leave this evening to travel to her and, while I'm there, I'll be dressing 24/7. I'm partially terrified but I know I'll have her support and encouragement. It scares me to be stared at and to be whispered about, but I'm taking this shaky step forward.

I can't believe how much I've packed for a four-day trip. I'm bringing more outfits, dresses, and shoes than I could ever wear.

I'll provide an update when I return.

Laura

[Jessica]

You will enjoy it very much if you own who you are and not to worry about those who you think are noticing.  Most people don't really give it a second thought.
In June I lived 24/7 as a woman for 4 days at the Astoria OR. pride weekend.  I felt very free and natural.  The main problem I had was the let down afterwards.

I do know when I first started dressing as myself in public, it was with two other members from Susan's.  They were of great moral support and made it much more comfortable to do so.
I do think you will have a wonderful time!

As far as packing and clothes... I will never give grief to my wife for having so many bags when we travel.  I entirely understand.

Hugs and smiles, Jessica

[LauraE]

Dear Danielle and Jessica,

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. My 24/7 experience is possible only because I'll be someplace where people don't know me so it won't matter if they whisper. I do know I'll feel self-conscious when stared at, but having a supportive friend will make it all bearable.

I'm bringing enough clothes for about a 10 day trip. If I was going as a guy, I could have put all the essentials into a carry-on back-pack, so I'm embracing my inner woman who loves to shop and dress well. I can hardly wait for fall and winter clothes to go onsale at Kohl's.

Laura

[Maid Marion]

I wish you well on you trip!  Have a great time!

[KathyLauren]

Laura, this is exciting!  Be prepared to be pleasantly surprised at how people react to you.  I am sure that your friend will not take you to places that are unsafe.  So chances are that most people will mind their own business.  It is normal to feel nervous at first, but if your experience is anything like mine, you will quickly relax.

I don't consider myself really passable, yet no one stares, no one comments, no one minds.  I try to be pleasant and friendly, and people respond appropriately.  I reluctantly had to admit that I probably pass better than I thought.  You might, too.

Anyway, enjoy your trip.  I am looking forward to your updates.

[LauraE]

Thank you so much Kathy. I appreciate your encouragement.

Laura

[Rachel]

Laura, it is difficult to express at first. You are not alone.

I found that wearing sunglasses helped a lot when in public.

As time goes buy you will find that no one really cares. I learned to or adjust to stairs. Funny as either I pass better now or I do not notice any stares or a rare questioning stare.

It helps to smile and say hi. Shift your facial expression slightly up and be friendly. This really does help.

99% of what I felt was made up in my head. I can deal with 1%. I would say things to myself that were absolutely not true. The reality is I come in contact with thousands of people a day without an issue.

I do have an occasional issue at work from contractors, just a sniping comment here and there. I make sure to be there day after day. If they do not stop I have recourse, although I never had to use it. I have to walk high rise construction sights with a 500 workers without an issue. I never thought I could do this but I can and do. Transition has changed me in many ways.

Friday I go to the beach in a one piece, first time. I am looking forward to it. I would never have done this 5 years ago. Now, it is going to be fun.

Cindy told me when I was starting out to remember to breath. You need to celebrate every success no matter how small. Each little success adds up to a huge win.

Yes it is scary and yes you can do it. I would say this to myself. Eventually the scary part got less and less. Now there is no scary.

[LauraE]

While I had promised to give you all the juicy details into my four day, 24/7 excursion, I've needed some time to process my feelings after I returned home. In short, I failed, miserably.

Once I arrived at my friend's city, I suddenly realized that my hopeful confidence in presenting in public had melted away. I knew immediately that, even though none of these people knew me and that I'd never see any of these people again, I was deathly afraid of their stares and whispers. I know many of you feel much more bold, but I'm not there yet. My friend, who was and is very accepting and understanding, was supportive and applied no pressure. That made things a bit better.

However, my fears grew and on the second day, I stopped HRT. My fears had grown that much. Once I returned home, I continued not dressing as a woman and not taking HRT. I didn't purge my women's clothes as I had two years ago during my first attempt at transitioning, but this was, and in some ways continues to be, a time of reflection.

The first time I quit transitioning, I had been on HRT about six weeks and my breasts had begun to tingle. Buds hadn't begun to develop though. This time, small buds, about 1/2" in diameter, had begun growing before my trip. After I discontinued HRT, and during the two weeks I was off HRT, these buds continued to expand to their present 1 1/2" diameter. I guess this is a testament to how long estrogen sticks around. I decided that despite my fears and my complete inability to pass in public, that I'd restart HRT. This was three days ago.

I'm still somewhat paralyzed with the idea of living a stealth life. I've read many stories here on Susan's from women in my situation; Being on HRT and dressing at home, but unable to dress in public due to family or an obvious inability to pass. I'm in that boat and know I'll have to bind my growing breasts when in public. I'll find some reason to explain my FFS, which is two years away.

In the meantime, my nipples are too obvious. Even when I play tennis in a oversized shirt, my nipples and small breasts are visible, so this is making me nervous. I did buy and wear a camisole under my T-shirt when I went shopping today, but my nipples insisted on making an appearance. Again, this is a concern to me. I must live a stealth life, which will be harder as my breasts grow. Binding is in my future.

So, I'm afraid I couldn't muster the courage to dress in public full time, even for four days in another city. And so it goes.

[Virginia]

That you not only admitted this to yourself, but publicly on this forum, is proof you ARE an extremely strong person, lauraelliott1951.

That HRT gives you peace is all that matters. Any side effects of your medication you can find a way to manage. I am hoping you are under a therapist's care to help you sort out your feelings and how to proceed from here.

You are in my thoughts & prayers.
~VA

[Jessica]

Laura, I know social pressures can be so strong that you can become paralyzed by fear.  I may be bold enough to go to a neighboring city as a woman, but I would be very nervous in my hometown.  I'm across the country from where I live visiting my son and his wife at this moment and could never (at the moment) present as a woman in front of him.  Though I have long nails with pink polish, size C breasts, a larger butt and long hair.  Nothing was said about any of that (maybe out of politeness) until I mentioned that my sons wife was the one that turned me on to pedicures.  My wife said that I have better nails than all of us, which my son said that he had noticed, and that was all that was said.
I too have had moments of "what the heck am I doing" and considered quitting, only to remember why I was doing it, and that I would always feel I was missing something if I did quit.
I'm glad you have searched and continue searching for your personal comfort zone, and you are making the choices that are right for you.
It's a tough road we all are on, one that has many pitfalls to avoid or negotiate, and we all have to make decisions that make ourselves uncomfortable, but with time we find what works.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[Janes Groove]

It's kind of ironic really.  That fact that we MTF have a gender identity that is female means that we are more sensitive and therefore more in touch with our feelings.  The fact that you are so sensitive, and so concerned about how other people perceive you, even to the point of giving up on your own happiness seems, to me, directly related to your feminine nature.   

A set back for sure, but as you and I and the rest of us here are all too aware -  this gender dysphoria,  this feminine identity, this transness, whatever we choose to call it NEVER goes away.  It just gets stronger.  That's why we have to find ways to make peace with it.  I know you will find a way to work thru this and and find a way forward.

[Allison S]

Laura, I know social pressures can be so strong that you can become paralyzed by fear. 

I too have had moments of "what the heck am I doing" and considered quitting, only to remember why I was doing it, and that I would always feel I was missing something if I did quit.

That's what I'm going through. You worded it perfectly...

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[Rayna]

Laura, I feel completely for your doubts and concerns. As a non-HRT MtF I have no physical backing for my female presentation. It has taken me a long time to feel somewhat Ok in public.

What helped me was going to a gay bar on their drag queen nights. I was completely accepted there even though I don't resonate with gay or drag. It was just good to be out sorta in public.

If you're an outdoors type I also love going out on trails while dressed femme. It gives the option to just pass by people with a higher-pitched "hey there" without engaging, if I wish.

As for your nipples, sports bras often come with a modesty pad that addresses your issue. Use two if you have to

All the best. We support you whatever is happening. Most of us have been there or still are.

Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

[Tiu]

Finally presenting one's gender in public is a huge step, and indeed overwhelming. You could go for androgynous clothing at first while still being gendered correctly by your friends. And then, very slowly move to more feminine clothing when your are with only a few poeple you trust. And then publicly. Go further slowly. All the while hrt does its magic, your FFS arises and you gain more confidence. That may make it easier for you. Until it's eventually the most normal thing on earth to be outside in whatever clothing you want. You will get used to it, trust us. Just take your time, and push yourself a tiny tiny bit every once in a while.

The gay bar on drag night is a nice idea for this purpose by the way, Randy.