Confused

[Alice (nym)]

So yesterday, I revealed myself to only the third person (that I remember) in my life. I revealed myself to a long pen pal when I was in my early 20s and she stopped writing to me as a result. I told my wife before we married because I wanted her to know before we got too serious. And at first things were great, but shortly after when she saw me fully dressed for the first time, that was the end of that. She wanted nothing more to do with it and said that we would divorce if it went further than me doing what I needed to do in private.

So I was feeling really low since my first post. I am applying for work and the equality questions at the end of each application get to me because I find myself lying on them in order to conform with society's expectations. Things are much better today that they were but I am still terrified of people finding out. But I just needed to tell someone and talk about it. My wife has made it clear she wants nothing to do with that aspect of me. She doesn't even sleep with me anymore, we are more just like very good friends than husband and wife.

So I opened up to an old friend. I've not seen him in a while but he was very involved with the LGBT group when we were at university together and I thought if anyone could show some understanding it would be him. He's bisexual himself and happy with his gender. The second I opened up, I realised it was a mistake. I told him before we met that I was going to reveal something about me that I've been keeping secret and that I needed a friend with his background experience. I suspect he was expecting me to talk about depression or at 'worst' (is that really the right word?) come out as gay or bisexual. He clearly wasn't expecting me to reveal the real me.

I could see that I had taken him by complete surprise and that he wasn't comfortable. Hell, I even teared up. I was shaking like a leaf. He mentioned about sexuality and I admitted that I am bisexual but not in the same way that he considers it. After he quickly made his excuses to leave and I was left on my own not feeling good at all. Fear, rejection, depression, anxiety... really not feeling good. I sent him a light hearted e-mail apologising for making him feel uncomfortable but silence. That was a mistake.

Anyhow, I've spent a lot of time contemplating on my own. A lot of questions. Should I put my happiness before my family? Or should I do what I always promised and put the needs of my family first?  What does it mean to be a woman?  Dressing up is part of it, but it isn't really. My earliest memory is wanting to wear a dress, have long hair in a ponytail and play with the dolls and be accepted for doing that... that was when I was 2 years old. But, now, today, it isn't about dressing up. Sure I would like to look good but that isn't it. Dressing just makes me more relaxed because I don't have to pretend to be masculine for a while. So what is it that makes me a woman in the wrong body?  And honestly, I can't answer that. It is just something I know.

So back to the job applications... I can choose not to answer the questions but will they be curious as to why... will they start paying more attention looking for signs?  When I revealed myself to my wife and to my 'friend' they both said that it makes a lot of sense. They never knew but they knew something wasn't right. My wife said it was like dating two people.

Then I am looking at things online and the emphasis is on trans. That's not me. I don't want to be trans... I want to be the woman I know I am. There is no qualification in that. I may or may not have a medical condition, but that condition shouldn't define who I am. It depresses me. I don't want to tick the male box, I don't want to tick the trans box either, but I am not allowed to tick the woman box without consequences. Then the sexuality box, I know I am bisexual but I am living in what people would consider a heterosexual relation. I am not that attracted to physical aspects of a person. Sure, I can say someone looks good but I am not sexually attracted based on looks. I don't find any celebrities sexually attractive. I am sexually attracted to personalities... and those come from people not gender or sex. So I find myself ticking the male heterosexual box and that is the appearance the world has of me but it isn't really me.

Oh... I just feel like ->-bleeped-<- now. I thought talking to someone who I thought would be understanding would help but it's just made the world an even more ->-bleeped-<-ty place. If someone who should be understanding can't cope with who I am... urgh.

Anyway, perhaps writing on here will make me feel better. Who knows. But just to be clear, don't worry. Yes, I am feeling low at the moment and upset but I am not going to do anything to hurt myself. I've got an amazing daughter and something very valuable to live for... the one thing in my life that keeps me sane but also the reason why I can't really consider being the real me. She is someone I will not risk losing in my life.

Sorry for ranting on and sorry if I caused any offense with the trans thing. I just feel the emphasis should be on woman and not necessarily on trans. If people feel more trans than woman, then fine, I mean nothing by it... it is just not who I want to be. urgh... even that sounds patronising and insulting. URGGHHH... I can't do anything right at the moment. wtf is wrong with me.

[Faith]

Acceptance and support often come from the most unsuspecting places and not where you would think. Being bisexual does not infer acceptance of trans (call it what you will). Bisexual is about, well, sex. They are not mixed up about gender (I'm saying that wrong, sorry, words are failing me).

I would not give up on the friend just yet, like you said, it was an unsuspected bombshell. Let him stew on it a while and think it through. I 'came out' to a 90 yr old online friend. I did not hear from him for quite some time. Then one day I got an email. He was confused, didn't understand, but if it made me happy he didn't have a problem with it.

I have trouble with the wife and 'very good friend' scenario. Yes, your wife/spouse should be your best friend. A best friend should not treat you like that and expect you to hide your true self. I can understand no intimacy due to it, but not asking you to hide. That is not the act of a friend.

I'm trying to sound supportive, I don't think I'm doing a very good job at it

[Jessica]

Rejection, I think, can be the most damaging to ones hopes to move forward in transition.
You've built a solid (albeit on quicksand) life around you for years.  Normality with that life is shaken, sometimes to the core, for all involved. 
Faith is correct about giving time to those that you have revealed yourself to.  You have thought about it for years, they are new to the idea on many aspects.
You and your wife could possibly find resolve through therapy with someone that is familiar with gender issues, couples or by yourselves.
I do understand your feelings of not wanting the "trans" badge.  I too struggle with that, but I am a realist (mostly) and have accepted that what is, is what is.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[Alice (nym)]

Thank you Jessica and Faith... At the moment I just feel like I am coming apart at the seams. I've dealt with this for 44 years and yes, now and again it has been difficult, but I've always been confident in who I am... but now, these stupid equality forms... I shouldn't even care about them, but I do. I might hide the truth but I don't lie. Once I was in Italy with an ex and we saw someone in full dress being teased and jeered by people in the street, and my ex said to me, you want to be like her don't you. I never came out to her, but I didn't deny it, I replied, 'I admire her for being brave' and left it at that. 3 days later my ex broke up with me but I didn't lie. Now I find myself lying and it is killing me inside.

I just don't know what to do. I am frightened. It is exactly as you say... my life is on quicksand and I am finally starting to sink and I am trying to clutch out for something to keep me safe because I am afraid of what will happen if I let go... and while I don't want to let go, part of me is urging me to do so. I am a mess at the moment. I've never felt so out of control of my emotions. I am thinking if this continues into tomorrow, then I am going to call Samaritans just to see if talking to a stranger untraceable from a phone box will help. I am hoping just writing here will help. I am confused and emotional... depressed... the last time I felt this way was in my late teens. I am not coping at the moment. The last couple of weeks I've been sinking faster each day, which is why I reached out on here and with my friend. I am scared that it may come to the point where I have no option but to transition and I am terrified of that. I simply do not have that kind of courage in me. I am a mess. sorry. 

[Maid Marion]

Maybe I can help out.  Twenty years ago I had an "accident" which meant I had a "slam dunk" case for getting on permanent disability.  And enough high income quarters to have a decent disability paycheck.  I think most people would have taken that easy path.
But, that wasn't me.  I do stuff.  Hard stuff.  All the time.  And I just figured out that because customers would mis-gender me, they would give me lots of crap that they wouldn't have if they had guessed correctly.
I'd still take the same path.  I got married and helped a wonderful woman complete her "bucket list" before she passed.  Own a house in the clear and am pretty much set for retirement whenever I decide to stop working. 

[Ryuichi13]

I'm answering this before reading what others have said so that I can give you my honest opinion. 

If you feel like you should have been born female, but you reside in a body that's male, then you are trans, like it or not. 

Not everyone flaunts being trans, many people simply start living life as the gender they should have been born as.  Sure, some people call it "living stealth," but not waving around a "I'M TRANS!" flag also doesn't mean you're not.  You are just choosing to live life as YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF, and "keeping what's in your pants" only to those that need to know, such as spouses/lovers, your doctor, whomever would prescribe hormone replacement and so on. 

The rest of the world does NOT need to know. 

Not an employer (unless you transition on the job), not coworkers, not new friends, not the stranger on the street.  But that's only if you choose to transition, and sometimes not even then, depending on the situation.

I recommend that you find and talk to a gender therapist if you can.  Check out your local LGBT+ center, hopefully they can direct you to someone.  You need to talk this out with a professional.  A secret that can affect your entire life like this shouldn't be kept to onesself, especially if it affects you emotionally.

Good luck my friend.

Ryuichi

Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk

[Alice (nym)]

Thank you Ryuichi... that sounds like good advice. I am struggling at the moment and do need some help. I really don't understand why now. I had a moment when I was 17 when I came to terms with who I was and I was a bit suicidal then but got through it. But this now, why now?  It can't just be those silly forms but they seem to have been the trigger. I am usually a really rational person always in control of my emotions... I am only just getting control of myself again, but not 100%... earlier on today, I was seriously messed up. I don't know why. why now? I feel emotionally drained after yesterday. I seriously regret telling him. I thought it would've helped but it has made it much much worse. I keep crying and I am trying to hide it from my family in the other room... they think I've got an upset stomach. Why is this happening... I've not cried in decades. I will check to see if there is any support, I really don't want to go to my GP and besides, I already know there is a 13 month waiting list to be seen by a specialist via that route. But if there is other support to be found, I need something... at the moment I am just hoping it will settle back down. It never goes away but it was at least manageable before. Thank you.

[Dena]

Being defined at transgender is a diagnosis and not who you are. It describes somebody who's body doesn't match their mind. With treatment this can be a temporary condition and with treatment it's possible to at sometime put the label behind you. In my case, I use transgender and transsexual in the past tense and have done so for over 35 years.

As for treatment, I am not sure where your located but often there private options that can shorten the waiting time. Even if there isn't there are tasks you can take on that will speed your transition. This will give you the feeling of accomplishment and often helps to reduce the dysphoria.

[ItsAbiKay]

Hiya Nym,

To echo what a couple of others said I think seeking a therapist would be great for you. You can build up a trusting relationship and it's a safe place to express who you are with someone who won't judge you, won't get up from the table and leave you. Most of us would know a little something about hiding. Hiding can only take us so far it will all eventually bubble to the surface of your life and can be catastrophic if you let it. Being here and sharing is a great start. We're here to listen if you need it.

Lots of hugs x

[Rachel]

I think finding a good gender therapist and figuring out what you want to do is a good staring point.

I have never meet anyone that wanted to be trans and I have meet many trans.

I was told this week by a trans friend that I am no longer trans and I am a woman. This was due to being post op. I wonder where her head was? I always was and am a woman. Having an operation or wearing cloths or makeup does not make me a woman. HRT does not make me a woman. Not doing the above caused life threatening dysphoria. I chose to deal with my dysphoria. I chose to live.

There are choices you can make and there are choices others make. You can only control your choices. Living (or partially living) a lie became hell that I could no longer endure. I made my choices and I am divorced. I am alive and support my ex and daughter (6 months from graduating from college).

Being myself has difficulties and challenges different than before transition. It also has wonderful benefits. I no longer have suicidal ideation. I no longer have dysphoria. For me transition saved my life. My life is what I make it.

You need to figure out your path and if it is to transition then to what degree. You will find out who loves you and who is your friend. You can make new friends. Love is a difficult thing cis or trans.

Transition is difficult. I grew personally from the  experience an many ways. I grew because I had to grow to make it. I have lots of friends that are not here now because along the journey they chose differently. I think of them from time to time. I learned so much from them. I learned life is precious. I learned that it can get better. I learned that drugs and alcohol and street work are traps. I learned that at age 26 on your birthday if you are suicidal do not be alone. I learned that community saves lives. I learned when feeling bad volunteer and get out. I learned that if you need help reach out. I learned no matter how bad I think I have it my trans black friends have it twice or more worse. I have seen some bad things. I learned I am very lucky and fortunate.

I am a different person now than before transition. I know I am very fortunate.

I wish you the best in your choices and a safe journey no matter what you decide or to what degree you choose. ( I was on HRT 2.5 years prior to coming out at work). PM me if you want to talk.

Rachel

[KathyLauren]

Nym, you ask "why now?"  We all have a straw that breaks the camel's back.  There is nothing special about that straw.  If it wasn't that one, it would have been another one.  The point is that our frustration and dysphoria builds over years and decades. 

At some point, we reach a limit, and then anything can trigger awareness and the need for change.  For you, it was filling in forms.  For me, it was attending a lecture.  It is not the external event that does it, it is the internal state of mind.

It is unfortunate that your friend turned out to be unsupportive.  Many in the LGB community are not interested in helping us 'T's. 

I agree with the others that seeking out a gender therapist is important at this point.  No matter what direction you want to go in, having professional feedback at this point will be valuable.

[CarlyMcx]

If you want to check the "woman box" you can.  I get to do it every time now, and I have since April of this year, when I was issued a new driver's license with the "F" in the gender box...but —

In order to get here, I had to admit to myself I was trans (10/2014), come out to my wife (03/2015), change health insurance providers (enroll 11/2015, effective 02/2016), get medically diagnosed (03-05/2016), start HRT (06/2016) get my name and gender change letter from my doctor (03/2017) talk my wife into letting me change my name (09/2017) dink around with my family over my name change vis a vis the family trust (10/2017-01/2018), file and obtain my court ordered name and gender change (01-03/2018), and go to social security and DMV (04/2018)

And as I write this I am trying to kill a sinus infection that is stopping me from having FFS, and my endo cut off my hormones and then put me back on at half dose because she said my levels were too high.

Everything will be all right.  It has never been easy for me, but it has always been worth it.

Hugs, Carly

[Alice (nym)]

Thank you everyone. I am a lot better than I was on Friday and Saturday. I spent yesterday with a friend, we didn't discuss this issue because he doesn't know but it helped calm me down. I am still not 100% but today I self-referred myself for therapy. It is not with a gender therapist but it is a step and someone I can talk to and perhaps sort through some of the questions and feelings I have been having. I've reached out online elsewhere as well and have found help there also.
I've not felt this emotional since I was suicidal when I was 17... I really thought I had sorted this part of me out back then. To get this feeling now is just so overwhelming. On Friday and Saturday it was crippling me. I couldn't think straight, I was shaking. It's been building up the last 2 weeks and then when my friend ditched me and never replied... it just sent me over the edge. I am still a bit shaky now. I just can't explain what it feels like but I am sure you will understand. I don't know if it is fear, adrenaline, or what... my emotions are going up and down to their extremes and I am struggling to control them. As I said today has been a bit better after yesterday and I now I just need to hang in there to talk to the therapist and perhaps they will just refer me to a gender therapist or perhaps we might be able to talk it through enough to calm me back down.
I am absolutely godsmacked by the bravery of the people I've come into contact with because of these feelings. So many brave people... you are all just amazing. Thank you for your support. 

[krobinson103]

Thank you everyone. I am a lot better than I was on Friday and Saturday. I spent yesterday with a friend, we didn't discuss this issue because he doesn't know but it helped calm me down. I am still not 100% but today I self-referred myself for therapy. It is not with a gender therapist but it is a step and someone I can talk to and perhaps sort through some of the questions and feelings I have been having. I've reached out online elsewhere as well and have found help there also.
I've not felt this emotional since I was suicidal when I was 17... I really thought I had sorted this part of me out back then. To get this feeling now is just so overwhelming. On Friday and Saturday it was crippling me. I couldn't think straight, I was shaking. It's been building up the last 2 weeks and then when my friend ditched me and never replied... it just sent me over the edge. I am still a bit shaky now. I just can't explain what it feels like but I am sure you will understand. I don't know if it is fear, adrenaline, or what... my emotions are going up and down to their extremes and I am struggling to control them. As I said today has been a bit better after yesterday and I now I just need to hang in there to talk to the therapist and perhaps they will just refer me to a gender therapist or perhaps we might be able to talk it through enough to calm me back down.
I am absolutely godsmacked by the bravery of the people I've come into contact with because of these feelings. So many brave people... you are all just amazing. Thank you for your support.

Its a hard road we walk. I ran from myself for 30 years and every year it got harder. I got married and had kids in the hope I might somehow be 'normal'. Thing is you can't run from yourself. Got to the point where living became a burden at that point I had to accept me and transition. Its been a year and yes I lost my wife but things have turned out way better than I could EVER have hoped and I love life, love being me, and there is no way I'll ever go back to being that half man.

Its just a matter of small steps every day and keeping your eye on the prize. You will lose things and people you care about, but you will also gain so much more. Be strong, and most of all hold out hope for the future - because hope is all we have sometimes but its more than enough.

[Alice (nym)]

Hello Moni... sorry I don't have permissions to reply to your pm and didn't want to hijack Abbi's thread. But thank you.

At the moment I've got this forum and another I am finding useful open most of the day reading, reading, reading. Trying to understand not so much myself but my options in life. Trying to work out what I want. Other people's journeys are helpful. I've been getting some amazing help elsewhere too.

At this moment, (I seem to be saying that a lot recently), I would just like to be open with people. Not so much transition but just be free to talk about the real me. To be able to say to a friend, 'hey, you know all those mood swings I keep having and all the weird stuff I keep saying... well this is the reason why...'
Perhaps I am kidding myself and just delaying the inevitable with excuses etc. I am on a journey right now but I am not sure where it is going.

Thank you. 

[Alice (nym)]

I've been reading lots and lots... I've still not got my head around it yet. Still not made any decisions. But I was thinking about it this morning as I went to visit the grave of my grandparents. I miss not having my grandmother to talk to, she never knew about this and I doubt she would've understood it, we often disagreed on things but she was a good listener. I thought it might've helped visiting her again but graveyards are silent places. It allowed me a bit of time to contemplate though.

I was thinking about another thread elsewhere that I read and the feeling of the sea. These feelings I have never go away, it is like the sea lapping the shore. Eroding the ground I am on bit by bit without me really seeing what is happening. Sometimes the sea comes in on a tide and the intensity of the feelings increase, then the sea ebbs away and the intensity decreases but the sea is still there lapping at the shore. About two weeks ago the sea started coming in again... I thought my friend who used to do a lot for the LGBT society at uni and is now a social worker might've helped build some flood defenses... instead he stood aside and watched as the sea came crashing in on a high tide. My life is on a cliff edge and the sea is undermining the base of the cliff. It could fall into the sea at any moment. The sea represents the female... There have been high tides in the past, in my teens and early 20s... but this is the highest tide so far. I feel that when this tide ebbs, if it ever does ebb... if I am not consumed by the sea, then there will be a lagoon left from this tide. I don't know how many more high tides I can take before the cliff comes crumbling down but if the tide does ebb and I can bring these feelings back under control and build new flood defenses knowing that they will not stop the tide... I want to share the lagoon with the right kind of people who will respect its beauty and not treat it like a landfill site or a place to fly-tip. Perhaps the tide will not ebb and I will fall into the sea... fight it, panic, flay my arms, reach out for a lifeboat... but ultimately succumb to the waves and find bliss in realising that I have gills and can breathe better under water than flapping about on the land.

Nym, the person who is scared of drowning.

[Danni98]

As others said bisexual dosn't equal ally. When I decided I couldn't repress being trans anymore I was in a relationship with two bisexual women. one was ok with it but I knew her for a long time and she was the first person I ever told. The other was ok till the talk of srs came about. Eventually she pretty much forced me to stop, and I did until I took her daughter the the gun range one day and she asked me about it. So we had a chat and she told me she didn't care what I was and she loved me regardless, my son was always supportive. But that was all I needed. For me the approval of the kids was all I cared about. You need to do what you feel is best for you.

As for the work, where are you applying that they ask your sexuality? I have never seen that on any forms except the dr's office. And if you live in America It's my understanding that is illegal just for them to ask.

And I also lost what I thought was my best friend just two days ago. I stuck with this guy when everyone else left him. Was there for him threw his divorce and everything else. After 16 years I told him I was trans and he told me "OH if your going tranni?...youll never find a handbag to go with those shoes and YES your arse will look big in everything.". Oddly enough it didn't really bother me, as I find the more time passes I just don't care and don't have time for negative people in my life anymore, and I've had to much positivity from others to let it bring me down.

You need to decide what's best for you, stop caring about what strangers and negative people think. Once you figure out your decision, it will all get better.

[Alice (nym)]

Thank you Danni...

I live in the UK. They are not supposed to discriminate here too but they do. The forms are called equality forms. They are supposed to help HR departments ensure that there is no discrimination of candidates. I am not 100% sure on the ins and outs of their usage but I do know for certain that I've been discriminated against twice which is illegal but very difficult to prove. I only know because the first job was a position that I have a Masters with distinction in doing and yet I didn't get an interview. The second job I did my PhD in that very subject, and as I know there are only 3 other people who had done similar research, all 3 are professors at good universities, I knew for a fact that I was the best qualified candidate and yet, I did not get an interview. I don't know if the discrimination was based on age, region (people don't like to talk about it but there is a lot regional prejudice in the UK), class, or they simply had a candidate lined up for the job already (jobs for the boys). There is a lot of who you know not what you know.

I tick the white hetero male box at the moment but that is going to start changing now. I am going to do a separate post about that in a moment.

[Alice (nym)]

So I took a big step today. I opened up to my wife. As I said she knew this bit about me. She was quite tearful but supportive. We made some agreements.

Firstly, she wants me to open up to my GP and seek help with a proper gender therapist. Even though I've made an appointment to talk with a therapist, I agreed with her. The more I've read and learned, the more I realise that I need specialist help.

Secondly, she is happy for me to meet with people who I can talk to about this. Make friends with people who are willing to accept who I am. She is happy for me to be more open about it to others. We both agreed it wasn't wise to tell my parents and to wait for at least my father to die before saying anything to my sister. I am not sure I mentioned it on this forum but I was raised in a far right wing household... I am not talking Conservative, I am talking about actively FAR right. It took me 2 years to deprogram all that crap from my childhood. Me and my father cannot stay in the same room for more than an hour before we are fighting. So, not a good idea to come out to them... and that means I can't come out to my sister either because she will just tell them. I am not sure how she will react either to be honest.

Thirdly, we are going to wait 5 years before telling my daughter. She is not at an age where she can understand and she is also still at that age when she has no concept of what needs to stay private. So if we were to talk to her about it now, she will probably blab it out to her grandfather.

Fourthly, if I want to transition in the future after my daughter knows the truth, then my wife is fine by that but it will mean that we will start to live separately. She would prefer that I waited until my daughter was 18.

It went a lot better than I anticipated. It actually made me laugh when my wife accused me of not doing enough housework to want to be a real woman. Talk about gender stereo-typing... but I agreed that part of the reason I've not been pulling my weight recently is because I've been trying to suppress myself and amplify masculinity. Not that housework has anything to do with gender but in the household I was raised in, it had everything to do with gender. My father doesn't lift a finger to help my mother. Any way, now I've decided to be a lot more open, I will start pulling my weight again. Funny, when my wife is visiting her family, and I've either got the house to myself for a couple of weeks or it is just me and my daughter... the house is spotless after 2 days of clearing up the mess she left. Still it made me laugh when she said if I am going to start being more open then I can start doing more housework... lol. And here was me thinking she would be packing the bags and filing for divorce. But she did admit that she knew what she was letting herself in for before we got married. I was honest with her before we got married.

So tomorrow I will make an appointment to see my GP... which will be sometime the end of next week now or the week after because I will need to talk specifically to our family doctor and not one of the others. I am already feeling like a weight has lifted a bit. Still very nervous and scared but I feel it is the right thing to do and it was good to be talking to my wife again. We've not really had a good chat in a while. She was crying not because of what I was saying but because we were talking again. So that's something I am going to have to pay more attention to in future. We need to talk more.


Thank you everyone for helping me come to terms with this. I still have not decided whether to transition... for starters I need to talk to a gender therapist and get some professional confirmation about that side of me, but I would be shocked if that isn't confirmed. But I am hoping to be more open. 

Oh... and I am going to start ticking the 'refuse to answer' box from now on. Let them make what they will of that. I am tired of pretending and hiding.

[HappyMoni]

Nym,
   I can't believe I haven't seen this thread before now. I am glad you talked with your partner. You sound a bit better. It strikes me that you are not letting go of the boxes on the applications because you really want to get this settled in your mind. You speak and it seems that there is emotional panic and desperation expressed. I hope for your own peace of mind that some of that panicky feeling will leave as you get a chance to openly discuss this. I admire that you are trying to face this and you are not burying your head hoping it goes away. IMHO, running from it is the worst. It is sometimes a long and emotional journey to figure what is right for you. If, as it seems like you are saying, you are in an area of society that is strongly 'old fashioned' in thought patterns, you may find that some of the first people you tell are not so supportive. Please keep in mind that there really are a lot of supportive people in this world. If you find that transition is what you must do, you will need to build a base of support. This may mean some new people in your life. Good thing right? The sucky part is that obviously, some folks now in your life may not be able to adjust. It is very unpredictable trying to guess who might be supportive. I was lucky not to have a lot of haters. Even some of them have mellowed after seeing I am just a normal (term used loosely) person. I hope you find a little calmness in talking to your wife. Your answers will come. If I could offer anything that I might think of as useful it might be this. Try to stay upbeat as a whole. You will have some serious down times, but negativity breeds more tough times. Others will many times mirror your attitude.
Moni