Confused

[FaithlessTheologian]

I am a new member to this community, finding that in my quest for answers I require outside help rather than what is presently available. Advice from a more diverse background would be a boon for my own development as a person.

I have been haunted by a strange medley of thoughts over the past five years. Born a genetic male I have always been fascinated with the opposite sex but not for the reason you would expect. I'm not necessarily attracted to well, anybody in particular, in fact I have the sexuality of a chunk of stone.

There is something about the female body which not only allures, me, but also haunts me. Over the years I have experimented with dressing up as female, with mixed results. I love to wear dresses, blouses, skirts and the like. Yet what always haunts me more so than anything is this persistent desire to have a more feminine shape. Particularly I wish I could grow breasts. Why? I don't have a clear answer, part of it is that when I dress up they just "look right" on me. I often feel like my body is underdeveloped, almost like I never hit puberty proper. I love the feeling of bras around my chest and the extra substance seems to fill some sort of void. On top of that, I have no connection to my genitalia whatsoever. I often wonder if it is tied int my lack of libido, as I have no desire to fill the male sex role.

My question here perhaps stems from this unsightly circle i am caught in. I am not a particularly masculine or feminine personality, so as far as that goes its kind of a gray area. Yet my physical sex irritates me on a gross level for days, weeks or months, followed by periods of apathy and repression. Is this normal?

Twice now I have made appointments to start HRT and I continue to see a therapist but twice have I lost heart and canceled. I constantly fear that I am going to make a mistake or that this is part of some sordid fetish/fantasy. Yet it always comes back in force and pushes me to the point of severe depression and discomfort.

Please i implore you good folks, I need some advice, is what i am feeling normal or am I just some confused weirdo?

[Devlyn]

Welcome to Susan's Place, oh Faithless One! 

You asked for advice, I'll give you some. One of the first things I learned here on the site was this: If you think you're transgender, if you dwell on it....then you're definitely transgender, because those thoughts never cross the mind of someone who isn't transgender. Never.

Go see a gender therapist, they'll help you, it's what they do. 

Hugs, Devlyn

PS Accepting this about ourselves is usually the hardest hurdle. Learn to love yourself, and the rest is downhill.

[KathyLauren]

Please i implore you good folks, I need some advice, is what i am feeling normal or am I just some confused weirdo?

Well, you are clearly confused, but I don't know you well enough to know if you are a weirdo or not.   

But, to answer your serious question, yes, what you describe is totally, completely normal.  From your description, I don't think there is much doubt that you are indeed transgender.

Talk to your therapist about your fears and doubts.  And, next time you have an appointment to start HRT, keep it.  Nothing bad will happen in the short term if you start on HRT and decide it truly is not for you.  Chances are, though, that you will love it.  You won't know for sure until you try.

[angelats]

Please i implore you good folks, I need some advice, is what i am feeling normal or am I just some confused weirdo?

What is normal or what is considered as normal changes over time. And now things and persons are normal that were considered as some confused weirdo. And things and persons that were normal are now considered as not good.

Who can decide this? A therapist? Holy scripture? Faith? Science? What some people say? I think in the end it is only you who has to decide what to do with your life. Therapist can help. Holy scriptures or faith can help as can skeptical books and faithlessness. Science can help as can the lived experience of other persons.

To be alive is great and i think you have the power to learn and to understand and to change and to heal. To recognize the confusion. To recognize your thoughts, fantasies, emotiones and imaginations and to realize what truth is, how it is and how it should be.

Brightest blessings,
Angelats

[FaithlessTheologian]

Accepting this about ourselves is usually the hardest hurdle. Learn to love yourself, and the rest is downhill.

Yes. This right here is a principle I have struggled with most of my life, dysphoria or no. I am cynical, a perfectionist, and have impossibly high expectations for myself. I beat myself up over grades and mistakes even if I'm alone. I know that this is a pertinent issue which I have over the years addressed for the most part. I have learned to forgive myself and allow myself to learn in order to grow, but that becomes far more difficult in this situation.

I can easily catastrophize my future, despite all prior evidence leading to myself being on an upswing. Yet I cannot seem to believe myself that I may indeed be transgender, that I may indeed wish to transition, that this is who I may be. Yet I have this weird expectation impressed on myself, of normalcy, of stability. Anything that uproots those principles are heretical and my mind attacks it like some sort of pathogen, especially during my numb periods.

[Alice (nym)]

I've spent the last 4 days thinking this through for myself. From what I've managed to work out, I had a massive anxiety attack on Friday that is still happening now, although it is a lot less than it was on Friday/Saturday. I was incredibly confused by it all. So I can sympathize with what you are feeling right now.

The soundest advice is find a therapist. I don't know where in the world you are right now, but in the UK there appears to be a bit of a waiting list, so the faster you get your name down the better. You can refer yourself through the NHS website for therapy but you need to go through your GP for more gender specific advice (at least that is the way I read it). So I referred myself. I got a phone call today telling me the next step. It would appear that I am going to get a phone call therapy session... not ideal but better than nothing. The way I heard it, the call will be 30 minutes, so once I get the date and time, I need to make sure I have what I want to say written down... or at least the points I want to cover. Once again not ideal but it is a huge step for me.

Right now, at this moment in time, I don't hate my bits or my body. I don't like it, but I don't hate it. BUT, in the past when I was feeling suicidal, I really hated my bits. There was more than once I took a knife to them but couldn't go through with it. I tried tattooing the sign for female on them with a compass I sterilised and luckily that didn't work. Sadly, I can't remember how I overcame that episode in my life. A girl at school who was worried about me helped me snap out of the suicidal thoughts. She didn't ask me what was wrong but just provided me with a friend to talk to and introduced me to her circle of friends who took me in so that I wasn't alone anymore. An act of immense kindness from a stranger. I decided I wasn't going to transition after visiting Transformations and seeing myself as a bloke in drag... but that is me... this is you. Talk to a therapist... it is great advice. You will instantly start to feel a bit better once you've made the step to make an appointment. It won't be 100% (well it isn't for me) but I can at least function now. Even if I am still shaking, I am at least not crying anymore.

Good luck and take care. We will get through this episode in our lives... there are a lot of brave and kind people who have been where we are now and their advice is worth listening to.