What happens to a relationship when one of you has no interest in sex?

[TaraJo]

My boyfriend is Lee, he's F2M (didn't start transition until after we got together) and we've been together since 2011.  We're probably closer than a lot of married cis couples with kids and everything and we've certainly been together longer than a lot of them.  His family even accepts me, which is surprising because they're kinda religious fundamentalists.  But there are still concerns. 

So, Lee and I had a bit of a heart to heart tonight. We had been having some problems and this really helped clear the air and vent for both of us. But.... just because you talked about the problems doesn't mean they aren't there. And this is one of those problems.

Where would you say it started? Let's go back to 2014. We moved into a really crappy apartment; the kind that, if they burned down, I don't know if I would miss very much. I think those apartments were a place to live, but they carried with them a kind of depresion that resulted in me not taking care of myself. I really let myself go; that was when I ballooned up to 300 lbs, I didn't have any nice clothes. Lee admits to being a bit disgusted; I would, for example, go into a restaurant in dirty clothes, eat with my hands, drop food all over myself and not even care that I'm a disgusting slob. It was a turn off and sex kinda stopped happening.

And this was the way it went. It gradually got worse and worse. There was just less physical affection, less kissing, holding hands, hugging and, yeah, less sex. Now I can't even remember the last time I've had sex. Before, I didn't mind all that much. I mean, I didn't really care about sex.

Then, about a year ago, I got my current job. Suddenly, things really started to change. That depression I had, which was rooted in the depressing belief that I would never be able to advance myself, was suddenly starting to go away. Financial security, surgery, stability..... those went from pie in the sky fantasies to realities almost overnight. But the depression REALLY went away earlier this year. I knew if I wanted surgery I would have to lose weight and I've lost quite a bit. I've gone from 300 pounds to 250 pounds; I still have another 25 or so pounds to go, but it's still major progress. And whe I lose that weight, I seemed to lose a lot of that depression and some of my body issues. I started to like how I look again, I like my appearance. And it's making me more happy, more cheerful, more upbeat.... and more physically affectionate and more desiring physical affection from others.

And this is where my problem comes up. I've been getting more interested in sex but Lee admitted, no, he's not. If anything, he's less interested in it. He's having issues with his own weight, but even if that's gone, he has his own body dysphoria. I mean, he can get top surgery to help with some of it..... but he's having issues with bottom dysphoria, too, and that isn't exactly an easy fix for the guys. So with me gaining interest in sex, he's losing it and that scares me a bit.

What can we do? He's stated that he would just force himself to have sex even if he doesn't want to, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with that at all. We talked about the possibility of an open relationship, but I don't know if I can really do that; I don't know if I can really seperate sex and love or do just a casual sex thing. I'm afraid if I tried an open relationship or casual sex within a relationship, I would wind up falling for whatever guy I get with; I just know myself like that.

Top surgery can be dealt with dysphoria via surgery but for guys, bottom dysphoria is a different story. He would consider it if the results were better, but between the lack of functionality in the end result and the arm scars via donnor tissue, he doesn't want it. We thought maybe some kind of strap on device could work; we tried one before but, honestly, we couldn't quite get into it. I wonder if they would work better with a little practice and I'm post-op. And even then, would a prostetic penis be the same as a real thing for me?

And I worry about these things because sex is something I'm looking forward to after surgery. I know I'll have to take some time to recover, but eventually I want to experience sex with a vagina. But how can that happen if Lee has no interest in sex?

[DustKitten]

I can't give any concrete solutions, but I've been one both sides of a one-person-wants-sex-more relationship, so I'll try to offer what little I can.

1) Try to look good for your partner. Staying in/getting in shape helps for both partners (exercise and a healthy diet can sometimes improve libido), and taking care of your appearance in general (hygiene, nice clothes, makeup or scents) can help your partner feel more attracted to you. That goes for him too; knowing that he looks good (or at least decent) could make him feel more confident and sexy.

2) Take care of your relationship. People tend to desire their partners more when the relationship is good outside of bed. Be affectionate and supportive. Spend time with your partner doing things you both enjoy, keep the house (or at least the bedroom) neat, and take care of whatever other problems you may have, both inside and outside of the relationship.

3) Sometimes one person just wants sex more, and there's not always a solution. Try to find a compromise if you can. When I was the partner who wanted more sex, I remember asking my boyfriend to try to manage it at least once every two weeks, since I felt like that was the minimum I needed to feel emotionally attached to him (sex and emotions are inextricable for me). When things flipped (same relationship--he started hormones) and he wanted it every day, sometimes twice a day, I couldn't keep up, so I told him I could guarantee that I would be in the mood--or at least force myself to be--once every two days, but he shouldn't demand it more often than that (I also promised I'd try more often if I could). Not everyone may get exactly what they want, but relationships require compromise, and if you should try to find a place where you're both comfortable. If you need to you can use masturbation to make up the difference.

4) Try to minimize dysphoria. I'm sure you're already aware of this, but darkened rooms and blindfolds can help with that a lot. You may be able to help him with that in general by complimenting him on his more masculine attributes, and if he can get in shape (building muscle tone specifically) that might help him a little too. In terms of secondary sex characteristics, very few things scream masculinity like a solid, well-defined bicep.

Unfortunately, that's all I can think of. Sorry I can't help more but I hope it works out for you.

As for the strap-on stuff--it works for lesbians, so why shouldn't it work for you (post-op, obviously)? My understanding is that most guys are too big to fit comfortably for a trans woman anyway, so that might be ideal for you, since you get to choose the size yourself.

[DawnOday]

My first wife was a nymphomaniac. Wanting sex every day. Before we married we did it a couple times a week and I was happy. But I lost interest doing it in bed. For the prior four years we had done it in public on the console of my car. or the park, or the beach, at the Rose Parade etc, etc. We would grab a bottle of Annie Green Springs and head to Belmont Shores. When we married things were ok because we both worked dayshift and then I lost my job. Northrop had not gotten the contract for the F18 although we had the better plane. We had not tried to land our F5's on aircraft carriers so we were rejected. That was in Sept. 1976 and I did not work until January 1977. With that job I worked nights and most days started around noon and I often would not go home until 4:30 in the morning. But mostly I went home about 2 A.M. She was sleeping so soundly I didn't want to wake her. We went on for another two years and she started having affairs. By filing for divorce I felt she would see what she was losing and we could reconcile. We didn't.
I met my current wife in 1982 just months before my mother died. She helped me through the loss and then my father died the next year.  I was so depressed I lost all sexual desires. My wife and I have had sex maybe 15 times and she got pregnant on two occasions. But the thing is I have discovered she loves me. Not the sex machine, that's why she has been so accommodating since I came out. I got sick in my early 40's and began taking spiro and it only took a little over a year before my libido had disappeared. We like hugging and kissing but she knows there is a good chance I could die if I had sex. My heart is not strong enough. I've said it so many time how blessed I have been by being with her all these years.

[Dani]

Some couples have considered an open marriage.

Not considering the physical health issues of having multiple sex partners, the emotional issues are challenging enough. If both partners can agree on this issue, it can work. However, I really do not think it will work for very long. Someone, sooner or later, will want to be with someone else more than the original partner.