Did anyone here have conflicting thoughts on transistioning?

[shawn1833]

Hello, I want to thank y'all in advance, this is my first post on here, and I apologize if I get a little venty, I haven't actually said this to anyone.

I am a 25 yo thinking about transitioning MTF. I have had gender dysphoria to some degree since around 5th/6th grade and have cross dressed on numerous occasions though allot less as an adult, but my problem is it hasn't always been the stereotypical I've always known thoughts I seem to gather from allot of girls that have transitioned already. I don't necessarily feel disphoria with my body right now, but I often go through thoughts of where I would much rather be a woman, usually multiple times a week, and I see girls and can't help but feel jealousy allot of the time.  Othertimes I am content with being a guy enough to where I think the process of transitioning would not be worth it. Even though I have a conservative family and  a girlfriend of 4 years who I know would be supportive of the decision even if it means we break it off, I have gotten to the point in my life where I need to do me.. I just don't want to make the wrong decision and look back at it with regret.

I like to think I'm just gender fluid, but there's no way to make this feeling go away except for when it randomly does. Has anyone else had this sort of problem? And if you transitioned anyways how did you feel about it?

[Alice (nym)]

I've not transitioned but I've suffered from gender dysphoria since I was 2. What you describe I think is pretty common.
The easiest way to think of it is like the ocean. It is constantly there in the background but when the tide comes in, the intensity is stronger, then the tide goes out and it is manageable... that will happen all your life.

But eventually the tide will come in and when/if it goes back out it will leave a lagoon... and each time it comes in, it will get higher and higher... until eventually it swamps all the land and you have no choice but to transition.

I am sure everyone is going to give you the same advice... go and see a gender therapist, or if you live in the UK, see your gp for a referral to a GIC.

For me, I've always wanted to be female... for 44 years every night I've gone to bed with a silent prayer in my head whether I have faith or not... to wake up female. But the dysphoria comes and goes in intensity. You are still young, so if you choose to transition then hormones will have a greater effect on you than someone my age. So I wouldn't wait too long in seeing the therapist and finding out if you are transgender or not. Good luck.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Shawn!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Relax!  Just about everyone has a similar experience of doubting the prospect of transitioning.  It would be so much easier to just carry on in the role you are used to: no coming out to anyone, no medical interventions, no surprises.  Except that that way, we don't get to be ourselves.

I would strongly recommend seeking out a gender therapist to discuss these feelings with.  Not everyone needs to transition.  But for those who do, postponing it just makes it worse.  (Ask me how I know: I started at age 62.)

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[Sarah1979]

 First, let me say welcome to Susan's place!   Now, transitioning is not something to do on a whim, take it from someone who started the process completely improperly. I don't regret starting the process, but I do wish I had done it the right way.   What you need to do is find a gender therapist that can help you work through these feelings and help you find out if transitioning is right for you. It's a complex and emotionally turbulent process.

Hugs

Sarah

[jkredman]

I can't talk to Gender Fluidity.  I knew I was wrong between my head & heart vs. body since 3 years old.

When I was your age, GD / ->-bleeped-<- was a medical disorder; and as such, something to be cured.  Now, 30 years later the medical establishment understands the curative treatments don't work.

Knowing what I know about myself now, I wish I had understood it at your age.  I would have made many life decisions very differently.  I would have been more open, perhaps honest about myself, in relationships.  Also, my transition would have been less complicated by relationships.

Only you can search your soul and decide.  I can't answer your should or shouldn't question.

In my case I've always knew I was wrong, personally, in some way.  Delaying my transition has only made it more difficult.  To answer your other question, I've never, never regretted the transitioning process.  My regret is that it took me 55 years to stop fighting with myself and to accept my true self, irrespective of society's expectations of me.

I totally enjoy the feeling of womanhood. 

Little things like smooth & silky legs, nail polish; or thinner, cooler, softer, & sexier clothing; deeper conversations, attracting a man's attention, all feel wonderful to me.   Male privilege, I never cared for or needed.

At a deeper level, emotionally I'm finally alive.  The emotional highs are much higher and the emotional lows are lower.  Yet, I won't trade that back because I'm finally living, truly loving, and now feel very alive.  I love myself now.

I can't directly answer your questions, but I can share my experience.  In some way I pray you find your answer.

Kate


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[krobinson103]

I can only repeat what has already been said. I spent 30 years trying to find ways to run away from myself and realized it is quite pointless.

We are born the way we are and no matter how much you rationalize or distract yourself it just keeps getting stronger as you get older. Till one day you are faced with a realization - that in order to really live you must LET yourself live as you were meant to.

Transition isn't easy or fun. There are many hurdles and push backs. Society at the moment tolerates but doesn't really accept. You do lose male privalege and having had it (depending on your field of work) you will notice. You may lose your wife and other members of your family.

That all being said... its still absolutely worth doing. Take each day as it comes, climb one mountain at a time and one day you realize... you are mostly there and there really isn't much left to do!

We aren't human if we aren't scared and anxious about such a large change. Make no mistake, the physical stuff is nice, but its the social transition that makes the biggest difference and will be your biggest challenge.

Be yourself... don't let anyone, or anything tell you can't.

[Dani]

Did I have any conflicting thoughts?

Well, yes I did. For 50 years I had conflicting thoughts. At first, I was given wrong information about the nature of gender dysphoria. Later on, I just tried to tough it out. That didn't work very well. Finally I made a new plan and here I am.

No regrets, except maybe a little, for taking too long to make a decision. But, that was a different time and we understand things so much better now.

[shawn1833]

Thank you everyone for the responses. I think it is time to at the least see a professional. Worse case scenario I spent some money going that route, whereas worst case scenario not doing so could be allot worse.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Shawn

I am sure you have made the right decision to seek professional help.

As others have said, if you are indeed transgender the feeling never goes away really and returns with greater ferocity as you get older. You will be able to explore with a trained gender therapist.

I wish you every success for the future.

Hugs

Pamela

[Devlyn]

Therapists are for:

(1) People who need therapy.

(2) People who need a therapist letter to proceed with an insurance-covered-WPATH style surgical procedure.

If you can live your life as you want without seeing a therapist, I recommend doing so. If you want a therapist to help you sort things out, I recommend doing so.

Good luck on your journey!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Alexa Ares]

Hello, I want to thank y'all in advance, this is my first post on here, and I apologize if I get a little venty, I haven't actually said this to anyone.

I am a 25 yo thinking about transitioning MTF. I have had gender dysphoria to some degree since around 5th/6th grade and have cross dressed on numerous occasions though allot less as an adult, but my problem is it hasn't always been the stereotypical I've always known thoughts I seem to gather from allot of girls that have transitioned already. I don't necessarily feel disphoria with my body right now, but I often go through thoughts of where I would much rather be a woman, usually multiple times a week, and I see girls and can't help but feel jealousy allot of the time.  Othertimes I am content with being a guy enough to where I think the process of transitioning would not be worth it. Even though I have a conservative family and  a girlfriend of 4 years who I know would be supportive of the decision even if it means we break it off, I have gotten to the point in my life where I need to do me.. I just don't want to make the wrong decision and look back at it with regret.

I like to think I'm just gender fluid, but there's no way to make this feeling go away except for when it randomly does. Has anyone else had this sort of problem? And if you transitioned anyways how did you feel about it?

Hi Shawn, its good you are posting on here, as this is a great place to get some advice and to see where you relate.

Gender Identity issues very from person to person. Some of us are 100% clear we feel we need to be as female or male as possible, and knew this from a young age.
Like yourself I felt different especially from age 9/10 (this is the equiv of 5th/6th grade I think)

Some of us , are not 100% on being openly Trans.  I still wonder at times, if I could not fit into a Male role, yet ultimately relflect on the last few years of intense GD before coming to some acceptance and that life now feels alot better than it did at peak dsyphoria of 2016-2017. So Trans it is for Me!

I will say if one is Gynephillic in their primary sexuality and is successful in a male role, with career, dating, social status, this does make it harder, in the sense there is a lot to give up.
Even now In leggings and sportswear, I still despite having lost a fair bit of size, end up Alpha dogging people!  Which is okay, as Women come in all types. I aspire to be Dana Lynn Bailey more than I do a Dainty Doll......

Speaking from experience it is not at all bad on the other side in a openly trans role,  but would I have been willing to look in depth at me and my GD, before feeling In love, or feeling I had done what I wanted to do in a Male role, yet still felt unhappy ?    I feel I needed to answer that for myself, so Im sure I make a good choice. Changing Gender roles particually as a Adult is a big thing to do, and the Straight Man has the least wiggle room in his choices, if he wishes to still be that.

I would advise you to speak to a good Pysch openly and honestly. It can take time to find one you like. Ive gone through 6 before I got the one I really click with. A generalist Pysch IMO is a good place to start, as it must be said, most people particually Gender Questioning, will have some other situations or issues to look at. In my case, this has helped me alot to understand, my ADHD, and as such my Wife and Me could understand me better which makes the Marriage stronger, while coping with the difficulties of GD and Transition.
IMO, I would see a Gender Therapist after seeing a generalist Pysch for a few months first. Mental health is way under rated and I fear some people rush through this, as they see these people as gatekeepers.
As there isn't a test per se for GD, its all about us being in touch with how we really feel and this can take time to work out. 


Further, please don't assume if you don't Transition NOW its a bad thing per se. There is a right time for people, based on many factors. It might be now for you, it might not. You may not even feel the need to. Personally, I always hoped to stay ahead of my Gender feelings however, as many people say over time, reality of how one feels bites.

Take your time, and think of what you really want.

Good Luck,
Lexa

[Denise]

Thank you everyone for the responses. I think it is time to at the least see a professional. Worse case scenario I spent some money going that route, whereas worst case scenario not doing so could be allot worse.

I agree with your assessment.  My story parallels yours (jealousy is a very power emotion that leads to anger, be careful) except you are 25 and I was 53 when I decided to do something about it.

One thing about therapy is to not do the therapist's job.  I recommend not starting with "I have gender dysphoria....".  I let two different therapists come to that conclusion on their own.  Admittedly, they were both gender specialist so it was on their mind.  I felt comfortable starting medical intervention after two therapists both identified my 'issues' as G.D.  My new GP specializes in HRT (in Chicago) and asked that I tell him my story to which he said "How did you last this long?"

Good luck and remember everything that you do should be on YOUR schedule not someone else's. Don't let anyone rush you into anything.

[CAB78]

I think I was always not entirely comfortable with my gender and have memories of dressing in clothes and doing stuff that did not match my assigned gender from as young as 10. One of the major feelings I always had was a feeling that I wanted to be/should have been female. I think fantasies of waking up in the correct gender are pretty common, I had them for most of my life. One thing to realise with gender dysphoria (for me at least) is it's not constant, sometimes it's stronger and sometimes it's almost not there but it tends to come back and often stronger than before. I decided to transition at 41, which was the right age for me, but I wish I had done it much earlier.

Everyone's different and there's no template for being trans or non-binary. Seeing a gender therapist is a good choice, but be aware that only you can know you well enough to know what needs to be done. A therapist can help you examine things and maybe provide some pointers but ultimately it's your life and decision.

If you are in the UK see a doctor and try to get a referral to a GIC, it took me 5 GP practices to get a referral and that was with a letter from the lead therapist at my local GIC stating I had gender dysphoria. Another reason to start with the NHS if you're in the uk is the waiting lists are long, 24 months for Charing Cross GIC for people being referred at start of September.


Also, when I felt I wanted to transition I investigated how long I had for permanent changes and decided to try hormones for a couple months, I think you wont get past most gate keepers if you reveal this to them. 1 month was enough for me to know it was the right choice for me.

[Gabrielle66]

Shawn,

You have already been given the best advice possible. Seeing a professional for help in discovering the true nature of your feelings is your best bet. Since you'v already reached that conclusion you are on the right path for yourself. I'm 52 and just starting my own discovery. I can attest to the fact that it definitely becomes more disruptive to your life if you try to bury feelings of gender confusion. I didn't realize that was what I was doing so it made it all the more difficult to honestly begin to explore my own feelings. I wish you all the best in your journey and never hesitate to reach out here at Susan's. This is the best place I have found online for honest advice and to not be judged for feeling however you feel. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Complete]

Hi Shawn
I find it interesting just how much I identify with what you seem just to be going through. I had a full on sex change when l was just a couple years younger than you, way back in 1972/73. It is a process, not pleasant, and it took me a couple of years to finally get all the way through it.
To me It sounds like you have spent lot of time trying to self-diagnose, and that is pretty typical. No one in their right mind would want to go through what is necessary to effect a successful sex change.
Now there are many here who feel/think that "going all the way" is not for them and l most certainly do not have any argument with how they have chosen to live their lives. If it works, don't fix it.. You see, just as many have already written here, we are all different. There are many different paths.
For me, l KNEW, from my earliest moments of self awareness, what  my path would have to be. Despite KNOWING, I refused to believe. I tried everything to deny that truth. It was not until I had finally managed to graduate college,  that l finally got to that point, which seems to happen to all of us, where I could no longer live a lie.
Talking to a shrink is a good idea.No matter how good they are, or whether or not they are an "expert" on GID,the truth is they will not be able to tell you what  to do. They cannot look inside your head, or your heart, and tell you who you are. Only you can do that.

[Lunarite]

I found that a big part of what got me feeling more settled in my decision was accepting the uncertainty.

I ended up (during a sleepless night) making a big list of arguments for why I wasn't transgender/shouldn't transition, and then wrote a response to each one. I found that many of them were not, when I wrote them down, arguments that it was wrong, but that it was difficult. And that is a factor, but they are different things.

I explored some of the items of that list with a counsellor - not a gender identity specialist, but talking helped.

I also considered individual parts of transitioning, and what would constitute a point of no return should I decide I had made a mistake. For my part, I decided that there was almost no part of the entire process (and the exact ingredients of that process are not the same for all people) that was unfeasible to live with as a man. In accepting that, I confirmed to myself that I was happy with the idea of living as a woman.

Talking to someone about this in a professional capacity is a great step - it commits you to nothing, but potentially opens up opportunities. I am one of several here, I think, who regret the time taken before doing so. Addressing it is definitely better than delaying, telling yourself "maybe this will pass".

Another thing to potentially accept, which you seem to have have already considered, is that maybe you do not belong at one end of the gender binary. Here in the UK at least, GICs are also open to non-binary people (can't speak from experience, but they certainly claim to). Or, even outside of the medical pathway, you may consider the idea of specific changes, rather than a full gender transition. Again, talking about and exploring these feelings is a worthwhile endeavour.

[Jaime320]

Shawn,

I've have noticed one thing over the past few years. Like you most of us question, and in my opinion that's a good thing. personally I've had similar thoughts over the years. I'm still figuring things out, but the one thing is I wish I'd started sooner. I forgot where it came from, but I heard this a while back. I think it was a video lecture on ->-bleeped-<-. Have you ever questioned your gender? If yes, guess what you are transgender to some degree at least.  CIS will not question. What should you do with this new enlightenment? As others have suggested seek help to Figure it out. see what route you should take if a route at all.

[Kylo]

I had an interesting experience following HRT.

The T seemed to settle the brain down, took away dysphoria etc to the extent that I am actually quite comfortable with my body, and gave the illusion that "maybe I didn't need to transition after all". But my previous experience with hormones makes me quite sure that this is a side effect of the "healing" process. So while it does create a sense of conflict, should I stop taking HRT, I know the dysphoria will most likely return.

It's a rather cruel situation, really - the "cure" alleviates the desire to continue the cure, and even if you did decide to stop, some of the effects of T have already taken place and are irreversible. I am not going to change my mind about transition; I am on the path to the end, but it has been a strange experience in that respect. The hormones have created a sense of wellbeing that makes you question the initial decision - but like I say, it is an illusion brought on by the mind finding contentment.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Well put! The irony of HRT. I know how that feels. I even stopped HRT between end of 2016 to end of 2017 - it created a back to square one scenario with angst, unease, dissatisfaction and dysphoria returning.

Back on HRT brought rapid relief. Also right now Im 2 weeks into a period of gender ambivalence.

This also means a cycle of gender push is about to begin.

Right now I do have conflicting feelings of transition but one of the big drivers to continue is I dont want to be thinking in 2 years that I regretted stopping.

I think you must do what your future self will thank you for.

Have you read Natalie Reeds pieces on the uncertainty of transition ?- very enlightening!

  Yours truly, Kirsten x

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[Allison S]

I always wanted acceptance from my family. I'm not sure why, but I think because I'm actually weak.
I didn't know there were passable trans people at all. I thought I'd always be an outcast that no one else would tolerate let alone accept and respect.
I often relied heavily on friends too. It was very toxic for me because in a way, I was sheltering myself.
I always had a fear that if strangers knew my body and mind don't match. That I'd be laughed at and ridiculed. With family and close friends, I did feel safer.

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