Up until I was diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria last month the VA had been treating me (for the past 12 years) for Severe Depression, PTSD, and Anxiety with suicidal tendencies. I went to weekly appointments and used lots of medications. I was completely withdrawn from society. I found no pleasure in anything. I had lost all hope. They thought the above mentioned conditions were all related to my military service and multiple combat tours. Until last month I had never told ANYONE the real reason for my depression and isolating. Let me bring you up to speed so that maybe you can seriously help me.
I have been married for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart. Over the years we had three children, All adults and making their own way in life. My daughter has a slight setback currently but this too will pass. Wife has known about my issue with femininity since before we got married. She accepted me for who I was but put limitations on me. (more on that later)
When I was a child age 4 or 5 I was drawn to everything girl. Toys, clothes, friends, everything. I am the oldest of 5 siblings. I went to kindergarten as a girl. I went to school as a girl up until the second grade. I had long curly hair down to my butt. It was a great time in my childhood. My mother encouraged or entertained my behavior until I was about 10 years old. That's when my father was paroled from prison. He had been in prison for a long time. When he returned home we lived in Presidio Texas. He began to beat me every day. Teaching me to "be a man" "act like a boy" ect. I was so brusied and cut up I missed over a month of school and had to repeat the 3rd grade. I was made to stop everything. Stop dressing, stop playing with my female friends, everything. Its like I died inside right then. So in order to keep from being beat to death I put everything away and hid my true identity. This was around 1980 or so and there was no internet, and I had never heard about anyone with my "problem" I was beginning to believe something was wrong with me.
I felt I was a female with the wrong sexual organs. I hated them. I tried to hide my genitals when in locker rooms at school or swimming pool. I hated everything male. My mother threw out all my clothes and shoes. I was heartbroken when I found out. A few years went by and when I was in high school I guess I was about 16 or 17 I couldn't suppress my female identity any longer. The only time I found happiness was when I was in female mode. When I was "Jenny" I felt almost peaceful and even though my outside didn't match my inside I was feeling pretty good. That was until my father found my hiding place with my clothes. I was beat again. Now by this time all my siblings were born and witnessing this. They were young and didn't understand why I was getting beat but knew that they didn't want any part of it. My mother never stood up for me/us, but that's another story. At that point I left home and was pretty much homeless. I still went to school and lived in my car. Then my future wifes dad gave me an after school job working in his upholstery shop. He let me live in the back of the shop. I was a sophomore in high school when I met her. We dated and went to school dances ect. She found me wearing a pair of panties and asked me about them. I told her what I knew and Why I thought I had to wear them. At that time I had no idea there was a condition known as Gender Dysphoria, or Gender Identity Disorder which at that time was considered a "Mental Defect" I had a seriously messed up home life and she had a similar home life. She was being sexually assaulted/molested by her uncle for the past 8 years. Her mother used to drop Her and her sister off at her uncles so he could baby sit them. He mother let it happen. Her older sister told everyone she was making it up, her dad beat her for "lying". She wanted to get away. We both needed to get away from our messed up families and fast or we were going to end up dead. So we got away together. We made a plan and followed through. We graduated high school got married and the next day I entered the US ARMY.
That was in 1988. My first duty assignment was in Germany. The wife and I lived in Germany for 5 years and first son was born. Now you have to understand I was in the Military and could not tell anyone about my "Mental Defect" or I would have been kicked out and then back on the street with no future. We had nothing to fall back on. So my wife and I decide that I could be Jenny at home and at home only. Also on occasions when we would travel to another country or city where no one we would know us, she would help me to dress and be my true female self. It is these times that allowed me to keep my sanity. Then BAM...1990 Gulf War. I deployed to Iraq and fought in the Gulf War. Seen stuff Did stuff but what I remember most was NOT being able to be myself. I had to act macho and be super MALE so as not to attract unwanted attention. I bet you are going to take one look at this email and see how long it is and not read it. LOL
Second son was born in Germany then we transferred to Fort Stewart GA. Wife put more restrictions on me there. Now that the kids were getting bigger she didn't want them seeing me as Jenny so I was limited to the bedroom and that was it. I was in so much pain. I didn't think I could keep up the charade any longer. I attempted suicide As you can see I failed. The Army found me and for some reason wrote it off as a reaction to a medication instead of a suicide. I guess they thought they were helping save my career.
Went to therapist but couldn't be honest with them for fear of being kicked out of the military.
Transferred to Fort Knox KY where our daughter was born in 1993. At this time Jenny hasn't been seen for years. I was isolating myself making myself sick. It was horrible being inside my body as a male. I know it sounds crazy and I can't explain it but its real.
We went to Fort Bragg NC in 1998 and stayed there until I retired in 2014. During that time I had multiple back to back deployments to Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, and the Philippines. The only opportunity I had to be myself and let my female show through was in the Philippines. I was the overseer of a safe house. I was alone in the house for 10 months. Basically I was house sitting for a "Special" element of the Army and I had to make sure the house was ready to receive "guest" with 4 hour notice. I was able to spend my days and night as a true female. I was the happiest I had ever been. I made many friends in the Philippines presenting as a female. They accepted me. They didn't think I was strange. It was a nice feeling to be validated. Then after 10 months I was transferred back to Fort Bragg NC.
On my next assignment I was sent on a special assignment to Ft Campbell KY by myself. Wife and everyone remained in Ft Bragg NC. I had to rent an apartment for just me. Oh boy was I excited!!! I had my wife mail me all of my special clothes and was so happy. That only lasted about a month. Then the Army assigned another person to my detail and we had to share the apartment. Fast forward 5 months. I attempted suicide again in Kentucky. You probably remember this time. I took a bottle of Ambien and taped a hefty trash bag on my head and went to sleep. I woke up in a mental hospital in Nashville TN. I spent 2 months in the hospital and still was not honest with them as to the reason for my attempt. I had to figure out what they wanted to hear in order to be released so I played the game. I went back to Fort Bragg NC and the Army decided that 26 years was enough and told me to "Retire" Thank you for your service but See Ya. 2014 moved to Texas with my wife. We came here to be close to Son and Daughter and wifes family. We had our own place and I was able to be my female self at home only. Wife has lots of family and friends in the area and does not want anyone seeing me. She is embarrassed I guess. She tries to understand but ........
I couldn't take it anymore. I was always holding on with the hope at the next place, the next fork in the road I would finally be able to be myself.....Nope. I attempted suicide again. Sleeping pills and Percocet I woke up in the hospital and they told me I had had a stroke or a TIA. A TIA is what they call it if they cant figure out what happened. So no one really knew.
Fast forward to October 2018 and I finally broke down to my therapist and explained why I was so depressed and unhappy. She evaluated me and diagnosed me with Gender Dysphoria. Now I had a name to research. When I looked it up I read all the symptoms and signs......I had every single one of them. I mean 100% I had every symptom. We then began talking about what it would take to make me happy and whole. I thought long and hard and I felt its time for me to be me or I'm going to be dead. The writing is on the wall. I was crashing. So the therapist started me on a plan to transition. I needed a person that I trusted and that I felt confident to support me emotionally. I had to find this person before I could progress with the process. My sister in law was my first and only choice. I had no one else I thought I could trust. I am so very glad that she said yes.
I have hope!!! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its amazing!! I can't begin to tell you how much this means to me.
The next step is being evaluated for HRT
