I don't know what to do..

[rlacy2018]

I'm 19, about two and a half months on HRT, and couldn't feel any worse right now (that's not true, but I'm being dramatic). Since starting HRT, things have gone well overall. I've had my days where I became extremely depressed for a few hours (from the Spiro) and I've had doubts here and there, but overall I've been a lot happier. My family has been fairly supportive and my co workers have been especially supportive, though I haven't told my grandparents yet.

I discovered a was trans when I was 15, and have gone through cycles of knowing I want to transition, to not knowing my identity, to repressing my trans feelings and just trying to be male, and so on and so forth. At this point, I don't exactly know how I identity, other than that it's fluid. But I've mainly just concerned myself with, "well, that's not important. Do I want to transition?". The answer has usually been a hesitant "yes", with problems x and y to figure out (ha, pun not intended...).

Anyways, at this point, I still don't exactly know how I identity, or for that matter, what identity truly means to me, other than that, like I said, my identity is fluid and I'm probably nb. Regardless, the thought of transition has always made me happy, excited. Tonight, I talk to my mother about the fact that my brother told me he'll always use the pronouns he/him/his with me. I talked to him about it, trying to get him to see that pronouns are usually based on societal gender, and that people use pronouns based on how people look/interact in society, but he wouldn't see my side.

Anyways, I talk to my mom about this, and she told me she basically feels the same way. I'm sure she wouldn't use those pronouns because she knows it would hurt my feelings, but still. She also told me that she had a conversation with my sisters, and that they all think I'm basically making a mistake by transitioning, and that I should be dealing with the emotional abuse of my father first.

I personally don't believe his abuse affected me much. Yes, it hurt, but I feel like I've gotten over it. I honestly can't say that I'm upset about it. I've tried talking to my therapist about it, and I just don't think it's possible that I'm still hurt from it, I've tried and tried to find the pain that he's caused me, but it just isn't there from what I can tell.

The worst parts about this is that I feel like I'm tearing my family apart, and that I honestly don't know how I identity or if transition is completely right for me. I mean, I know my family will always love me, but still. And as far as transition goes, yes, it's true that I've never been happier about myself, but like my mom thinks, it could just be that it's new and exciting, and that I think it's what I need.

I've just put so much time, money, and effort into this already that I don't want to just throw it away. I don't want to detransition but I don't want to make the mistake everyone else seems to think I'm making. I don't want to regret transitioning. I'm scared to stop, but I'm scared to continue.

Sorry. I just had to vent. I love all you girls! (And others...). You're like a family away from family! <3

[Lacy]

I'm 19, about two and a half months on HRT, and couldn't feel any worse right now (that's not true, but I'm being dramatic). Since starting HRT, things have gone well overall. I've had my days where I became extremely depressed for a few hours (from the Spiro) and I've had doubts here and there, but overall I've been a lot happier. My family has been fairly supportive and my co workers have been especially supportive, though I haven't told my grandparents yet.

I discovered a was trans when I was 15, and have gone through cycles of knowing I want to transition, to not knowing my identity, to repressing my trans feelings and just trying to be male, and so on and so forth. At this point, I don't exactly know how I identity, other than that it's fluid. But I've mainly just concerned myself with, "well, that's not important. Do I want to transition?". The answer has usually been a hesitant "yes", with problems x and y to figure out (ha, pun not intended...).

Anyways, at this point, I still don't exactly know how I identity, or for that matter, what identity truly means to me, other than that, like I said, my identity is fluid and I'm probably nb. Regardless, the thought of transition has always made me happy, excited. Tonight, I talk to my mother about the fact that my brother told me he'll always use the pronouns he/him/his with me. I talked to him about it, trying to get him to see that pronouns are usually based on societal gender, and that people use pronouns based on how people look/interact in society, but he wouldn't see my side.

Anyways, I talk to my mom about this, and she told me she basically feels the same way. I'm sure she wouldn't use those pronouns because she knows it would hurt my feelings, but still. She also told me that she had a conversation with my sisters, and that they all think I'm basically making a mistake by transitioning, and that I should be dealing with the emotional abuse of my father first.

I personally don't believe his abuse affected me much. Yes, it hurt, but I feel like I've gotten over it. I honestly can't say that I'm upset about it. I've tried talking to my therapist about it, and I just don't think it's possible that I'm still hurt from it, I've tried and tried to find the pain that he's caused me, but it just isn't there from what I can tell.

The worst parts about this is that I feel like I'm tearing my family apart, and that I honestly don't know how I identity or if transition is completely right for me. I mean, I know my family will always love me, but still. And as far as transition goes, yes, it's true that I've never been happier about myself, but like my mom thinks, it could just be that it's new and exciting, and that I think it's what I need.

I've just put so much time, money, and effort into this already that I don't want to just throw it away. I don't want to detransition but I don't want to make the mistake everyone else seems to think I'm making. I don't want to regret transitioning. I'm scared to stop, but I'm scared to continue.

Sorry. I just had to vent. I love all you girls! (And others...). You're like a family away from family! <3

Rlacy2018,

I am sorry to read that you are struggling with feelings of confusion and emotional pain.

Family is a funny unit in life. Even if they accept you are trans, most of them do not offer full support (i.e. pronouns, name change and surgeries). It is a hard thing to even think of your relationship with them changing. It is all apart of the journey.

Being 19 I imagine it is especially difficult as you are at the age where you are having to decide your identity as an independent individual yet still young enough that a good relationship with parents is important. One thing that I realized, and this isn't always the case, but most family members will feel that their child/sibling/spouse etc. is dying and being replaced by someone new.
That is not completely false. You didn't to choose being trans, and they didn't choose it for you. So while it is fun and exciting to transition into your true self, the are being forced into a transition as well. Time is an important thing for this. Patience on your part and continued communication is the best you can do to facilitate a helpful environment for them.

As for the issues they feel you haven't dealt with, that is completely in your hands. You are going to therapy, which is very good at this juncture! You are being able to find the truth in how you feel by digging deep with your therapist.

I spent 20 years living my life for my family. Doing everything I could in order to convince them I was not making (their perceived) mistakes. Do that was the biggest mistake I have made in life. If it wasn't for that, I would have started transitioning 10 years ago when I was your age!

All change is scary and uncomfortable. I pray you find solace and comfort in those that fully support you. Be patient and loving with your family, but realize that this is your life not theirs. They are living in a way that makes them happy. You have the same right to do that also!

Hugs,
Lacy

[rlacy2018]

Rlacy2018,

I am sorry to read that you are struggling with feelings of confusion and emotional pain.

Family is a funny unit in life. Even if they accept you are trans, most of them do not offer full support (i.e. pronouns, name change and surgeries). It is a hard thing to even think of your relationship with them changing. It is all apart of the journey.

Being 19 I imagine it is especially difficult as you are at the age where you are having to decide your identity as an independent individual yet still young enough that a good relationship with parents is important. One thing that I realized, and this isn't always the case, but most family members will feel that their child/sibling/spouse etc. is dying and being replaced by someone new.
That is not completely false. You didn't to choose being trans, and they didn't choose it for you. So while it is fun and exciting to transition into your true self, the are being forced into a transition as well. Time is an important thing for this. Patience on your part and continued communication is the best you can do to facilitate a helpful environment for them.

As for the issues they feel you haven't dealt with, that is completely in your hands. You are going to therapy, which is very good at this juncture! You are being able to find the truth in how you feel by digging deep with your therapist.

I spent 20 years living my life for my family. Doing everything I could in order to convince them I was not making (their perceived) mistakes. Do that was the biggest mistake I have made in life. If it wasn't for that, I would have started transitioning 10 years ago when I was your age!

All change is scary and uncomfortable. I pray you find solace and comfort in those that fully support you. Be patient and loving with your family, but realize that this is your life not theirs. They are living in a way that makes them happy. You have the same right to do that also!

Hugs,
Lacy

Thank you Lacy. I can definitely empathize with them and see where they're coming from. I really do appreciate your help and support, I think I'm doing better now. I just get into moods and have emotional breakdowns haha. While it's great to have their support, I need to just worry about what I need and stop worrying about what others think.

[Jessica_Rose]

We all occasionally wonder whether or not we are doing the right thing. At first it was easy to suppress who I was, and be the person others expected me to be. Hiding that part of myself slowly began taking more and more energy, and I began lashing out in anger. Eventually my anger turned into rage. After a few decades it reached the point where it almost destroyed myself and those I love. It took me over 40 years to realize what was wrong in my life.

Something Lacy mentioned reminded me of a lyric from 'King of Anything' by Sara Bareilles:
"All my life I tried to make everyone happy, while I just hurt and hide waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide."

All I have to do is think for a moment about who I used to be, and once again I know this is the right path. If I had asked my wife, my family, or my friends most of them would have discouraged me. It is good to listen to the advice of others, but you are the only one who knows what is right for you. Take the time to understand who you are, but don't let others tell you who you are.

Love always -- Jessica Rose