I attended a local support group for almost a year and learned a lot.
From them, I learned that I am kind of Pollyanna and sheltered in my small West Michigan world.
From them, I learned about how oppressed I am as a trangender person.
From them, I learned how almost all life's cards are stacked against me.
From them, I learned how every different political, racial or gender group feels like they are singled out and subject to bias, discrimination and bad legislation.
From them, I learned how some in our community may never be able to trust new members.
From them, I learned that my feeling different and lonely may not change even though I am a year into HRT transitioning.
From them, I learned how some therapists use support sessions like the ones I attended to recruit and build their business.
I learned that it is most important that "I" finally love myself and with that, that I truly want to live to see another day.
I learned that now that I am fully "out" to almost all my family and friends and how every one of them truly accepted and loved me as I am, that I don't really need to search for new friends or love elsewhere.
I learned that even though living with PTSD from childhood traumas, ADD and other negative acronyms, events and people in my life and youth, I am a survivor and that is why I am still here and considered successful at 65 years of age.
I learned that being hormonally right (with the gender chemicals I need to be me) takes away most of the need to hurt myself.
I learned that I am now strong enough to understand the "why" of my reasons for doing it and will take care to no longer hurt myself anymore.
I learned that I am still very fragile, and this scares me a little, so I need to take care with where I go and who I let into my life.
I learned that I need to take time to enjoy the simple things in life, beaches, picnics, dinners, children, and lots of hugs.
I learned that when you find a good therapist you need to hang on to them and visit them often as they have your best interests in their heart.
I learned that my therapist, whose office is 70 miles away, is better than the one who is 15 miles away.
I knew going in, that this was going to be a difficult journey.
I knew going in, that this journey had to be taken or I would likely not be here a year from today.
I knew going in, that I still have many positive things to do, enjoy and love in life, so I need to continue to push and take charge of my life.
I knew going in, that I needed to keep building on top of the positive foundations and corner-stones of my past.
I knew going in, that when I go boldly in life towards a positive goal, all the forces of nature will come to my aid.
I knew going in, that "it is" my positive mindset that will lead me to my best life, loves and fulfillment.
That said,
I know that I will go back to that group someday after I have walked in more surety of my own life as I search for and find out who I really am.
I know that when I am sure of me, I will contribute positively, gently and lovingly towards their life's journey.
I know too that soon, I must come out to the world as the real me to show blinded or preconceived ideas and people how there are so many colors of the rainbow.
I know that my rainbow is different from the norm, it is solely mine and no trans person should be shoved into a category that is not their own choice.
I know and have seen true evidence that the children of today are going to lead us all over the rainbow if they can somehow avoid and keep adults from getting in their way.
AJ
