Thinking back and feeling a bit down *possible trigger warning*

[Releca]

I am watching I am Jazz on TLC and thinking back on my past where I used to wear high heels when ever someone would let me put them on. I liked to wear dresses, still do but unlike back then I worry more about what society will think  at my age vs when I was younger and wanted to go to school in a dress.

I am also worrying about how my job would be affected while transitioning since I am in line for becoming an assistant manager.  Well that and how to hide IT.

I'm realizing that growing up I exhibited quite a bit of these signs growing up and the way my mother dealt with these "outburst" was to make fun of me and tease me till I stopped doing it. All this really did was make me feel worthless for feeling the way I did to the point I wanted to kill myself.

I had the blades out and was ready to do it. I wonder if somehow I did because I had a "vision" of a better word of what would happen up till I was buried and the emotions of everyone who was part of what happened after. Then I came back to the moment beforehand and haven't entered a time in my life I wanted to do that again. Makes me cry to think life ever got to that point for me.   

I have a few friends that know I am trans but I am still worried. That and since I am way past puberty I worry about how I can take care of the extra hair that grows faster the more you shave it.

I am feeling a little bit better after talking it out so thank everyone for listening. It just hurts quite a bit, worse than being physically hit sometimes. I sometimes just want to go underground and disappear for a few years until I can come out as the true me in a new country. I dreamed of being able to find a magical portal to an amazonian society that could mystically change me into one of them. It also comes down to a doctor that will be willing to see me or a therapist that will treat me as what I am vs someone who had a mental issue. All I want is to just be me and it comes down to my work life, societal stigma, and to financial limitations. I don't want to give up but sometimes it just really makes me feel so down that I just want to curl up into a ball with a nice blanket and some hot coco and just watch a fireplace for a few years or run away into a forest where the gods still live and breath and things like hunger and fatigue don't exist. A place where you can live without dealing with life. Even then there is still the underlying issues to deal with. I get so Jealous of girls whom have a nice body and wonder why I can't look like that where I could just crawl into their skin and look like that for a while, while still being able to have my life. Still looking like a dude helps a bit since people don't seem to judge as much a guy checking out women but its really because I would like to be them more than I'd like to be me.

Sometimes I wonder if I just need a hug or a strong shaking. I'm just getting tired of it but know I still have a long road ahead of me and sometimes just don't know what to do.

[Angela H]

I'm sorry that your mom was so awful about this. It sucks when parents--who should love their children unconditionally and want to see them happy--force us to live a miserable lie because of their bigotry.

Before I started transitioning I wasn't sure of anything. I wasn't sure if I could ever pass, I wasn't sure if living as a woman would make me happy, I wasn't sure if I was even transgender. But what I found out is that transitioning is a slow process that works in stages. There's no harm in taking a single step, and nearly every step on the way can be undone. You can easily hide the effects of HRT (when I first came out at work one of the warehouse guys asked me if I was joking, while I was wearing a bra and had noticeable (to me) breasts! In my experience it's never as noticeable as we think it is). I found that every single step I took felt right.

I think you probably know what you have to do to be happy. I'm not saying that your path should be the same as mine, but if you know you're unhappy the way things are now, then don't let fear hold you back from making changes.

I think you'll be alright because you seem smart and it sounds like you have good friends. I wish you the best of luck!

[dee82]

Hi Releca,

The road isn't easy. But the journey makes it worthwhile. To become fully alive by, being the true person inside makes the pain bearable.

I don't know why, but I re-read that second last paragraph about 5 times. While it speaks of your pain, I find the wishing and imagery quite beautiful. I know I would like to find that portal.

Hang in there, and one step at a time. It's not about the end-point, but being on the journey that's important.

~Dee.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Releca.

I am sorry that your mother was mean to you growing up.  Depending where you live, most of society is not like that.  As both Angela and Dee said, you can take one step at a time, at whatever speed and however far you want.

I started to feel the same way you do at about the same age.  But I let it simmer for another 30 years before I did something about it.  I don't recommend that.  If you start now, you can have many beautiful years ahead of you.

You mention facial hair.  I recommend starting to work on that by laser and/or electrolysis first.  It is something you can do that makes a difference, and it will not 'out' you to others.  And it is less painful if you do it before starting hormones, should you decide to go that route.

I also recommend talking to a gender therapist.  A regular therapist might not understand gender dysphoria, but one who specializes in gender issues will, and can tell the difference between it and mental illnesses.  Talking to a therapist will help you understand yourself, work through your fears, and plan how you want your future to unfold.

I think you might need more than just a hug, but hugs are free, so here's one from me: (((((HUG))))).

[Releca]

Thank you all for responding.

I  think she was the main reason that I haven't started since we had some arguments where I told her I wanted to be a girl like I see in so many of these transitioning videos and was told but your a boy until I stopped telling. She kept saying it was just a faze that would pass like being interested in boys, well that was a phase it would seem since it passed but the desire to be a strong beautiful woman has not, just my attempts to state it to her. With all of that and the first marriage I had where I tried to be a good husband I think I somewhat became afraid of trying to be me but its also that which cased the end of it. Well one part of it. But my current wife wants to work with me and help me become the woman I know I am.

Kathy thank you fro advice on order with the laser hair thing. I did have a therapist that was good-ish. She did admit that I did have an issue most of my sessions were with her asking me what I wanted to do and when I asked for any opinions the only response I got was I can't really tell you what to do since its your body. All I wanted really was someone to listen and then help me set up some steps to help me actually transition. That was a bad enough experience that I haven't been back to anyone in years. I think I will start looking for another one again though. I'm making myself feel better tonight by watching makeup tutorials to not look sick when I put on more than just a base foundation.

[pamelatransuk]

I worry about how I can take care of the extra hair that grows faster the more you shave it.

Hello Releca

I empathise with you so much as yours is such a sad story. I believe you should take positive action when you feel able by therapy and then if you feel it appropriate HRT.

However I have been bodyshaving all my adult life and I did not find it resulted in the necessity of more body shaving due to more and thicker hairs to remove; they grew at the same rate for me. I buried and suppressed my trans status till aged 62 in 2017 and then had therapy followed by 11 months HRT and BHR (Body Hair Removal) by Laser and Electrolysis. I shall publicly transition in 2019.

I wish you success whichever route(s) you chose to take.

Hugs

Pamela

[KathyLauren]

most of my sessions were with her asking me what I wanted to do and when I asked for any opinions the only response I got was I can't really tell you what to do since its your body.

It sounds like you need a better therapist.  For sure, a good therapist will not tell you what to do.  But a good therapist will also recognize when you are stuck, and will ask leading questions or assign homework to help get you un-stuck.

[dee82]

Hi Releca,

I second the Laser Hair Removal for facial hair. It is relatively inexpensive and has the big advantage that it will not "out" you at work. I started doing it and no one noticed at all.

Then when I was wanting to go out female, not having a five o'clock shadow seriously boosted my confidence and self-esteem by 500%

Note, it can take a few sessions to see the difference, but once it starts to work it feels like magic. (Of course, that's just me, not everyone finds it suits them.)

~Dee.

[Releca]

Thank you for the pep talk.

Good news is I've started looking into therapist. Bad news is the nearest is about an hour and a half away.

For the facial hair part I feel more comfortable when its shaved off but usually run with a 5 o'clock shadow due to hating shaving. Both me and my wife are looking into this because neither of us like to shave. Last I heard though it was about 100 per session and you needed about 1-2 sessions every 6 months. Am I miss understanding the cost of it?

[KathyLauren]

Last I heard though it was about 100 per session and you needed about 1-2 sessions every 6 months. Am I miss understanding the cost of it?

That sounds more like a long-term maintenance schedule than a removal schedule.  It would work for a cis woman, but I think you need more for beard removal for a trans woman.  Generally, they want you to come back every month, so as to catch hairs in the right part of their cycle.

Some limitations of laser are that it only targets dark hair on light skin, and that it tends not to be permanent.

[Releca]

That sounds more like a long-term maintenance schedule than a removal schedule.  It would work for a cis woman, but I think you need more for beard removal for a trans woman.  Generally, they want you to come back every month, so as to catch hairs in the right part of their cycle.

This is why I haven't gone yet because finances are still a bit tight until I can get some bills paid down.


I do at least know a bit of what I will look like when I transition since I have shown my cousins picture to some people and they thought that she was me in drag. The only big difference is she has curly hair and mine is quite straight but we have similar bone structure. I have come to wearing at least foundation on a regular basis and when I feel more skilled at applying the other parts I will add them. I figure if I do little by little out in public then it may get to a point where I can go full out and no one thinks twice about it. After all it will be a multi-year transitioning anyway.