OK. I've been quiet here for a few months, but thought I'd share an update. First, the history.
After my second marriage ended three years ago, I entered therapy to deal with my this loss. About eight months in, Laura came out, I contacted Kaiser for a referral to their Transitions Clinic, and I got "the letter" from my therapist to begin HRT. I began taking hormones during the early fall of 2016, but stopped in early December, mostly out of fear, a pattern that would repeat later on (yes, I know this is fairly normal.)
I then dated one woman for eight months, ended the relationship, and then began dating another woman for another nine months. Around June of 2018, I came out to her about Laura and told her I wanted to transition. She ended the relationship immediately, but said we could be friends. LOL
I then began HRT again (and replenished my wardrobe and make-up since I'd purged them two years ago). Between July and November, I started and stopped HRT many times, mostly out of fear of being outed and rejected. I will always be closeted since I can never be passable.
After several months of trying to date lesbians, which was a total failure, I found a wonderful woman on Match. I was really scared to come out to her, but did so after our third date. Happy for me, she was accepting, but insisted I not be on hormones until she was ready. I was also not to dress in front of her, although I could when we FaceTimed, which was several times a day. During our overnight encounters, which were incredible, she'd even suck my tiny breasts, so I had hopes she would feel comfortable with me being a woman. I did remind her from time to time about my need to return to HRT, that I could maintain my erections through altering my medication (Kaiser had said this was possible), but she often hinted that I should hide Laura like I did during my marriages. That if I could hide it for my ex-wives, I could hide it for her.
I found her comments a bit alarming, since I'd been upfront about my transitioning with her. I told her that I never expected to transition 24/7, or have SRS, but she was afraid both of me being outed in front of her friends (the theme was about hiding my boobs) and that she was afraid that my sexual orientation would change so that I preferred men. No amount of discussion relieved her concerns though, even when I told her about the binders I'd purchased to hide my boobs while playing tennis and being outside.
When she visited me this week, I again approached my need for HRT, and she strongly told me that she really hoped she could "change me" to just be a man around her, and that I could choose HRT or her. Not both.
And so, I find myself alone, again. I can be happy, but alone transitioning and dressing as Laura, or unhappy and in love with her. I had wanted both. I had wanted her support and her love. In the end, I found neither.
And so it goes.
