Totally new to this, confused and traumatized yet sublimated

[Swanson777]

Here's my introduction post for some background info:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244269.0.html

I really don't like this halfway in-between stage of not knowing who the hell I am or wtf is going on anymore, this weird changing of clothes and swapping genders multiple times throughout the day. It feels awful just taking my wig off.

Do I just go all in with this?

I know its unnatural and strange and stigmatized, but I have reached a point of psychosis where just shaving and dressing like a girl and looking in the mirror gives me this AHA moment of euphoria and relief. This narcissistic rush and the beauty I see in the mirror is overwhelming. I look SO good as a female. I should probably upload some pictures to show you all that I'm not BS'ing. But the transition is harrowing, I still don't know wtf is going on or how I'm supposed to structure my life around this and radically change everything, let alone afford it because I am deeply broke and in debt right now!

Just wanting to make some friends. Even the way I'm typing on here is starting to sound weird and girly and it's creeping me out but at the same time giving me freedom from self-consciousness. The dichotomy going on here is mindblowing. It's like I fully recognize this is a mental disorder but I'm embracing it because it gives me this odd peaceful feeling. I want someone to embrace me in my female form and cuddle with me more than anything, I haven't experienced any physical intimacy in more than a decade.

[Dena]

Some doctors provide therapy on a sliding scale where you only pay what you can afford. If you have insurance, it's possible that insurance will at least cover therapy. The transition is a long term goal with many steps you need to accomplish. If you set your goal and start working to accumulate the money you require, it's possible that you can reach your goal given time. It took me about years to accomplish my transition, partially because of money and partially because of the difficulty locating the information I required. This isn't something you can fix right away but it is something that can be fixed over time. Check out my signature if you want more details.

[Swanson777]

I have an aversion to therapists and professional help in all its forms. I've gone through A LOT of it, had many therapists and psychiatrists and none of them worked! It was a massive waste of money. So, really not interested in this therapist idea! They are all so academic and clinical, didn't seem to work.
Is it a prerequisite to see a therapist before becoming transsexual? I am increasingly eager to leave my male self behind, how I loathe that person.

[Dena]

You might consider trying a psychologist as they tend not to focus on understanding or changing you but instead help you find a way to deal with yourself as you are. It's a much different approach to therapy and as you can't change somebody who is transsexual. The best you can do is to find a way they can be happy for the remainder of their life.

As for becoming transsexual, if you are one, you were born that way. It's possible to transition with minimal therapy however therapy does help you deal with the many problems you will be faced with. You can move into the feminine role without therapy and you wouldn't be the only one on the site to do so. Everybody has their own schedule and your's may not be the same as anybodies else.

[Swanson777]

What do you mean born that way?
I slipped down this slope when I was looking in the mirror a lot and started to realize that I have physical features that biological females wish they had. Once I started crossdressing I discovered that I make a very good-looking female. I have a small, angular jaw and a very pretty "bitch" face. I have a thin waist but thick legs and ass. My upper body is pretty buff like any male but overall I look like a marvelous combination the best of both worlds.
Maybe being "born that way" is the feminine aspect of being a "receiver" rather than a "->-bleeped-<-" because I have always been extremely uncomfortable in the latter position, but as a magnet enticing others to approach me and be attracted to me instead of having to "prove" my manliness to a judgmental woman, awakens this deep down instinct. I don't wtf I'm talking about but does that mean I was born that way? When I was very young my mom was in awe of how beautiful I am, she always said I had the face of an angel, and she grew my hair long and I was often mistaken for a girl before puberty. Idk.

[DawnOday]

Maybe this will help you understand what Dena is saying.  http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Yes you will need psychological approval to start HRT and have any gender affirming surgeries.

[Dena]

The reason we are transgender is because of exposure or the lack of exposer to testosterone during a critical time period before birth. If AMAB fails to receive sufficient testosterone, the brain will default to female. Many of us take time to figure it out. The lower limit would be about 3 years of age. I discovered myself at age 13 and many on the site discovered it in their 50's and 60's.

Some of us may discover it at an earlier age but keep it undercover for a long time. In my case, I kept it hidden until I was 23 but some on the site have kept it secret much longer.

None of our stories are the same but if you read enough introduction, you will discover that we have a commonality that isn't something somebody who is CIS would experience.

Testosterone can cause us to have strange sexual drives that we can misinterpret and we may think we aren't transgender because of it. One of the advantages today that I didn't have is drugs that can block testosterone. In as little as a few weeks on blockers, you can eliminate the feelings caused by testosterone and get down to what you really feel. It doesn't change what you feel, it just removed the sexual aspect of it.

[Swanson777]

OK, thanks for the replies folks. Maybe I'll keep hanging around on this forum and get to know people and find complete sublimation through this.
I am going to sleep now, I always fall asleep as female now. It is so nice to curl my long hair around my fingers and touch my stockings something about it is so pacifying. I don't know if I'm subconsciously imagining that I am sleeping with a female, it's like I'm embodying two people at once... but enough of this senseless confusion. Trying to find peace now...

[AnneK]

Yes you will need psychological approval to start HRT and have any gender affirming surgeries.

Actually, that depends on where you are.  In Ontario, HRT is on informed consent and surgeries require two evaluations from a doctor, practical nurse, social worker with masters, etc. and a year on hormones.  No need for a therapist or psychiatrist.

[Swanson777]

Can't imagine myself ever getting surgery... I don't really need it, my body is already voluptuous. I've always been squeamish about going under the knife or getting any kind of piercings or tattoos... its not my thing.
Now that I think about it, the ability to openly express myself and be fully vulnerable and see-through with my feelings may be what's drawing me to become female... as a male I have to remain stoic and emotionless for weeks and months keeping it all in until I suffocate... since I've been suicidally manic-depressed for a while, is transitioning to female my path to peace and happiness if I can overcome the embarrassment of coming out???

[pamelatransuk]

I always fall asleep as female now. It is so nice to curl my long hair around my fingers and touch my stockings something about it is so pacifying. I don't know if I'm subconsciously imagining that I am sleeping with a female, it's like I'm embodying two people at once... but enough of this senseless confusion. Trying to find peace now...

Is transitioning to female my path to peace and happiness if I can overcome the embarrassment of coming out???

Hello Swanson777

Not senseless at all. For most transgender people gender identity and sexual orientation are two separate subjects. A transgirl can sleep with a woman by all means or with a man or on her own!

Yes you could be right. The main hurdle at this time may indeed be embarrassment removal.

I wish you resolution and happiness whichever routes you choose to take.

Hugs

Pamela

[Maid Marion]

You may just need a work and social situation where you are free to express  yourself and brings in enough to get you out of debt.

[Dena]

When we say transition, it's not a specific list of things you must do. You pick what you need and leave the rest. For some of us, bottom surgery is a priority. Others put facial surgery at the top of their list. Still others may just settle for HRT. You make the list and put only the things you need on it. We will not judge you if your list is different than our but we will help you checking the items off your list.

Dysphoria is strange in that we all feel it to some degree however we feel it differently. Because of this what we need to deal with it is different form person to person.