Did you ever want to give up?

[BlueJaye]

Question for those who have made it to the other side of transition.

My wife doesn't fully support my transition. She knows that living as a man has made me suicidal for most of my life and she wants me to feel better, but is very uncomfortable with transition for several reasons. I guess I don't blame her. I can see how things look and feel from her point of view.

In addition to the lack of support from my wife, I have all kinds of fears about transitioning and my future and my family's future. I worry about what long term effects this will have on my kids. I worry about my career. I worry about my safety (trans women can be targets for violence). All kinds of worries.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I can handle all of it. I feel like giving up sometimes. Sometimes I think, "Living as a man sucks and makes me want to die, but I've done it for 37 years. At least it's familiar territory".

Did you ever have thoughts and feelings like this when you were beginning your transition?

[jill610]

All the time and for the reasons you mentioned.

IMHO if she is not supportive now, expect your marriage to end and be prepared for that. My ex and I loved each other immensely, and still do, but a number of factors led to our split including not the least of which was her family. Be prepared for that possibility - she signed up to be with a man.

I was exactly your age when I started transitioning, and it's a tough thing to do but for many of us necessary. I do think that a large degree of actual violence is from the trans person placing themselves in an environment with a higher risk. Not all obviously, but as with any woman, being aware of your environment and taking precautions is the best thing you can do. Also remember not all violence against a trans person is a hate crime, some of it is the normal situational bad luck and some is domestic. Be smart, be aware and trust instincts. Personally as my transition has progressed, so too has my safety and comfort levels, but then you also get used to having a different social role.

Be prepared for every relationship you have to change. Some are lost, some get stronger and others just change and it's all unpredictable.

Your career will be fine if you manage it appropriately, while bigots do exist for sure - employers care about making money or achieving a goal. If you are the best person to do that then you get hired. It is expensive to recruit new talent so unless you mishandle your career, behavior, attitude or performance, I believe you'll be fine. I do not buy into the "I'm trans so I'm unemployable" BS, and have personally received the largest raise in my career while I was transitioning. Just do your job and keep knocking it out of the park.

Is it worth it? For me absolutely 100% yes but only you can decide that. I've known about my "trans ness" my whole life and reached a point where every coping mechanism I had failed and no amount of therapy was going to fix that. So for me it was a choice to live. Not everyone gets to that point and not everyone needs to transition to put the dysphoria at rest.

[BlueJaye]

All the time and for the reasons you mentioned.

IMHO if she is not supportive now, expect your marriage to end and be prepared for that. My ex and I loved each other immensely, and still do, but a number of factors led to our split including not the least of which was her family. Be prepared for that possibility - she signed up to be with a man.

I was exactly your age when I started transitioning, and it's a tough thing to do but for many of us necessary. I do think that a large degree of actual violence is from the trans person placing themselves in an environment with a higher risk. Not all obviously, but as with any woman, being aware of your environment and taking precautions is the best thing you can do. Also remember not all violence against a trans person is a hate crime, some of it is the normal situational bad luck and some is domestic. Be smart, be aware and trust instincts. Personally as my transition has progressed, so too has my safety and comfort levels, but then you also get used to having a different social role.

Be prepared for every relationship you have to change. Some are lost, some get stronger and others just change and it's all unpredictable.

Your career will be fine if you manage it appropriately, while bigots do exist for sure - employers care about making money or achieving a goal. If you are the best person to do that then you get hired. It is expensive to recruit new talent so unless you mishandle your career, behavior, attitude or performance, I believe you'll be fine. I do not buy into the "I'm trans so I'm unemployable" BS, and have personally received the largest raise in my career while I was transitioning. Just do your job and keep knocking it out of the park.

Is it worth it? For me absolutely 100% yes but only you can decide that. I've known about my "trans ness" my whole life and reached a point where every coping mechanism I had failed and no amount of therapy was going to fix that. So for me it was a choice to live. Not everyone gets to that point and not everyone needs to transition to put the dysphoria at rest.

Thanks for the response. I really appreciate hearing from those who have been in my shoes and have successfully navigated all of this.

As you said of yourself, I have tried all of the coping stuff. I built an almost fairy tale like life of ideal masculinity: successful career (only person ever in my family to make six figures), beautiful wife, six beautiful kids, etc. By all appearances I am living the ideal "man's" life. But I have known since I was two years old that I am really female and have had some big issues living and growing up in a body that seems wrongly configured. I hated/feared that thing between my legs so much as a kid that I refused to go to the bathroom, especially at night. I daily wet my pants until about 2nd grade and wet the bed until I was 16. Dealing with that awful thing was made so much worse by the dark of night.

I have reached the point where I feel like transitioning is a matter of life and death. Living as a man has become completely unbearable and I just can't live the rest of my life this way. Or, the rest of my life might be very, very short. I do want to live. I want life to be bearable and even enjoyable, something it has never really been for me.

My career concerns actually don't center on a fear that my employer would fire me for being trans. They are headquartered in Canada, and though I work for them in the US, they would be playing with fire legally speaking if they tried to terminate me for being trans. My fear is that I do business to business capital equipment sales for them. I am afraid of rejection from my customer base. The region I love in and my customer base tend to be very conservative and I fear that many of them would not buy from me if they knew I was trans.

[jill610]

If you are in b2b sales that might be rough while you are in transition.

I am an executive in a fortune 10 with a significant down line so I had a concern about how that would affect my ability to do business within the company. As a result my social transition was driven by when my appearance outed me at work, though my leaders knew the situation about six months before that happened. As a result, I sped through transition, had BA 3 months after my OTJ transition, and GCS AND FFS 8 months after the OTJ. I was full time outside of work for six months prior to the work transition and so it got hard to "remember" how to be a guy at some point. You might be in a similar boat given your professional concerns.

My OTJ transition formally occurred the day after my name change, though was communicated to the ranks and business partners two months prior to that. I was on hormones 18 months prior to the OTJ transition, so the physical changes in my face, chest, skin were pretty apparent.

The thing that outed me on the job was the change in skin complexion from the hair removal.

[Chloe]

. . . successful career (only person ever in my family to make six figures), beautiful wife, six beautiful kids, etc . . . I am afraid of rejection from my customer base.

Short answer your only 37? Try a physical transition, light HRT, and work toward becoming a more "feminine man" only. Just forego the "social" aspect for now and see how you, and later especially wife & kids, really feel about it? Although most people these days know I'm "transgender" have still been nominally presenting "male" for the last 40 years!

         lol "One step at a time" can turn out to be a lifetime for many us. If so inclined a sex life is still possible and many worry about "breast growth" but can always cross that bridge if/when you come to it!

Four new Huskie pups arrived last night! Have two kids under 21, an "ex" and three grandchildren!

[randim]

BlueJaye,

I have not committed to  transitioning, though I am seriously considering it. I share all the concerns you lay out.  I don't know how anybody could do this and not have doubts. It is such a massive and uncertain life change. I am much older so my situation is somewhat different.  I will probably be retiring from my work at the end of this year, so dealing with a career and transitioning is not a large concern. OTOH, should transitioning cost me my marriage (a real possibility) that would drastically reduce my standard of living in retirement.  If it's not one thing, it's another thing... I do think that you (and I) am fortunate in that being transgender is slowly become more accepted.  One thing I can tell you, and it took me by surprise, is that these feelings do *not* diminish with age.  At least they didn't for me.  And if transitioning is in your future, sooner is almost certainly better than later.  You can't get lost time back.  Good luck moving forward.

[BlueJaye]

         Short answer your only 37? Try a physical transition, light HRT, and work toward becoming a more "feminine man" only. Just forego the "social" aspect for now and see how you, and later especially wife & kids, really feel about it? Although most people these days know I'm "transgender" have still been nominally presenting "male" for the last 40 years!

         lol "One step at a time" can turn out to be a lifetime for many us. If so inclined a sex life is still possible and many worry about "breast growth" but can always cross that bridge if/when you come to it!

Four new Huskie pups arrived last night! Have two kids under 21, an "ex" and three grandchildren!

Actually, what you describe is pretty much what I have been doing. The problem is I feel so much better with each little step that I want to go further. I thought at first that just low dose E and Spiro would help enough, and that hiding feminization wouldn't be a big deal and I would just present as a man for the sake of my already mentioned anxieties and such.

However, once I started estradiol and spiro, I felt SO much better emotionally and physically. And it seems my body really responds to it. In just under six weeks I am starting to get noticeable breast development and fat redistribution. At first I thought I was just imagining things, like a lot of other ladies early in transition feel like they have had huge changes when in reality very little has changed visually. But my wife was the one who pointed it out. My hips are rounding, my butt is also smoothing and rounding, and my nipples are more prominent especially if I'm wearing a thinner material shirt (and they HURT!).

The changes to my body have made me feel more comfortable in my skin. I can't really explain it, but it is starting to feel "right" in a way that my body never felt.

And so, the conundrum. Presenting as a guy seems to offer some convenience for the sake of buying time. But my body is on the fast track to femininity. I literally am on the lowest doses of estradiol and spiro that my doctor will prescribe. There is no backing down the dosage except to just stop altogether.

[jill610]

Look up "low dose HRT", you'd be surprised at how low it actually can be. Just because your dr won't prescribe a true low dose doesn't mean it can't go lower. It *sounds* like you are on a starter transition dose. If you are in the female range for E and below male range for T, you are not on a "low dose".

If you want to slow down the physical changes, find someone who will go lower.

[Chloe]

But my wife was the one who pointed it out. My hips are rounding, my butt is also . . .

Well, if wife doesn't mind . . . Really No Biggie! Just don't give in to that crazy urge to "dress appropriately"! Not yet anyway . . . 

Church sermon this Sunday says "fasting is good for the soul"! Look at it this way: you'd still be "all hers" (your spouse that is)!

[BlueJaye]

Well, if wife doesn't mind . . . Really No Biggie! Just don't give in to that crazy urge to "dress appropriately"! Not yet anyway . . . 

Church sermon this Sunday says "fasting is good for the soul"! Look at it this way: you'd still be "all hers" (your spouse that is)!

This is an uncomfortable area for us right now. For me, I have lost pretty much all interest in sexual things and have no desire to maintain a physical relationship with my wife. I love her, and I still enjoy affection, but don't need or want sex. I'm also unsure of where exactly I fall on the sexuality spectrum. I would call myself asexual at this point, but I am married to a woman, so am I straight or a lesbian? Kind of weird. I also don't really think of myself as a lesbian and don't want to have that label, even though I am not attracted to men either.

My wife on the other hand, has her own issues with my feminization. For the last ten years she avoided sex like the plague, showed less than zero enthusiasm or pleasure during sex, and complained frequently about it. I had accepted that she was just one of those women who truly hate sex. During our conversation when I came out to her, she confessed that she was really attracted to women, and had tried to find sex with me enjoyable, but guys just don't get her going. Although she had always been attracted to women, she never acted on it and doesn't want to identify as a lesbian. I could write a very lengthy post about our past and the stuff we were both hiding, but I will keep it short and just say that our marriage ended up being a great facade for both of us.

So, although I am "all hers", we're both kind of unsure what that means now. She is perfectly content to not have sex. So at least that is not a problem.

[Maid Marion]

I recall my doctor wanted me to take a very low dose of a supplemental thyroid medication, so she had me cut pills in half!  This was around 1970.  These days you can buy devices to cut pills in half.

[NatalieRene]

I never even thought about it after starting. I had thoughts about giving up and ejecting out of life before transitioning because I could not live with myself but the moment I knew it was possible it did not matter how hard or remote. I set my goal and I did it.

I will not pander to you you and  say it was easy. There where months of being in between where people on the street thought I was a freak and said hurtful things.But I pressed forward and got my voice training, got my facial hair removed, let the hormones work their magic and had my GCS.

If you are going to transition you have to prepare yourself for the marathon. You cannot allow other people's negativity to pollute your mind. Do not allow others to tell you what you can and cannot do. Many people confuse difficult and arduous for impossible. Push forward, ignore the naysayers, keep your eye on the prize and it will happen.

[KathyLauren]

Like Natalie, once I started, I never looked back.  I had all the same doubts as you are having (except worrying about kids - I never had any), but I had them before I started.  They were what held me back until I was in my sixties.  I managed to talk myself out of it for literally decades.  In effect, I wanted to give up before I even started.

Like you, I realized that transitioning was a matter of life or death.  That was an easy choice for me: I chose life.  The future I saw for myself without transition was a long, slow, decline into depression, who knows for how long and to what end.

I chose, instead, to let the woman in me out to experience joy.  It was not a risk-free decision: I still had to navigate telling my wife, with all the very real fears that that entailed.  And I chose, very consciously to let her decide what to do about us.  If she stayed, I would be happy.  If she left, I would let her go. 

Realizing that it was a life or death decision I had to make took most of the fear out of it for me.  I didn't really have a survivable alternative to transitioning.  I haven't looked back.  (My wife decided to stay with me.)

[Northern Star Girl]

During the middle of my transition when disappointments and difficulties came my way,
perhaps like many, I had fleeting thoughts of giving up,
but I then recalled the song lyrics:

     "I've come too far to turn back now
     Every battle that I have fought will soon be forgot"

I soon realized that I was at the point of no return so I made up my mind to continue toward my goals.
Personally for me, it was the best decision that I have ever made.

Hugs,
Danielle

[Linde]

I did not have a choice whether I would transition or not.  My body did that for me, once most of my testosterone was gone.  But I never had any desire to not go and do it, it was just a natural thing to do for me.  I was looking a little like a freak all my life, I was finally at the point that I wanted to look "normal".

[Kylo]

Sure. I have moments where I think how screwed this all was from day one. How stacked against me the deck always was.

What I do is just dispense with the expectations. I am what I am. Whatever that is, at least I can be that without effort, and that's exactly what I'm gonna be. I'm never gonna be in other people's league and they will never be in mine so to speak. Learning to find meaning in life when you expect to be given it and to conform to some general standard and you do not get either isn't easy. Letting go of unattainable things and developing what you are brings a measure of peace.

Ican't really 'give up' though. It's not in my nature. As soon as I sit back and think I've given up I ask myself "well what do I do now? just sit here in despair?" and that isn't much of anything so I go right back to trying to build on myself. 

[Jeal]

Question for those who have made it to the other side of transition.

My wife doesn't fully support my transition. She knows that living as a man has made me suicidal for most of my life and she wants me to feel better, but is very uncomfortable with transition for several reasons. I guess I don't blame her. I can see how things look and feel from her point of view.

In addition to the lack of support from my wife, I have all kinds of fears about transitioning and my future and my family's future. I worry about what long term effects this will have on my kids. I worry about my career. I worry about my safety (trans women can be targets for violence). All kinds of worries.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I can handle all of it. I feel like giving up sometimes. Sometimes I think, "Living as a man sucks and makes me want to die, but I've done it for 37 years. At least it's familiar territory".

Did you ever have thoughts and feelings like this when you were beginning your transition?

Absolutely.  I have to go trough daily or weekly battles with a list of things.  I grieve the loss of my marriage.  I grieve making life more difficult from my kids.  I worry about passing, or even the need to pass - shouldn't I be able to just go out in public the way that feels right to me without being so worried about stares or comments?I hate the idea of being seen as a man trying/pretending to look like a woman.  I worry about complications with HRT or surgery.  I even grieve the loss of the man I was; he was desperately sad and lonely, but he was familiar.

I have some wonderful hours/days of 'gender euphoria', but it is a difficult process.  I wouldn't go back, but sometimes I do wish, fervently, that I could just be 'normal'. 

I admit to more than a little self-pity at times, but self pity can be very constructive(healing), so long as we don't get trapped in it and let the victim-hood become our story.  The story should be about this incredible struggle and how we are strong and brave enough to enter the arena and dare to manifest our truth in the face of these seemingly insurmountable obstacles.  We really ARE amazing, it is just highly unlikely anyone who hasn't lived it will be able to recognize it.

I'm only two weeks into HRT, I have a long way to go. The good news is, compared to last year at this time, I am so much more at peace.  definitely worth it so far, just not every day =D

love,

Jael

[Linde]

I think the decission i made yesterday, to have my orchi, was the right thing to do.  No waffling anymore, this decision was final.  My balls will not grow back!
I  should have done this years ago!

[Jeal]

Congratulations   I hope you have a swift recovery.

[Linde]

Congratulations   I hope you have a swift recovery.

Thank you!  I am amazed how little pain I have, did not take a pain pill at all today.  There is some wound pain, but nothing that warrants pain killers.
One funny pain area (not really bad) is where I am supposed to have my one crippled up ovary (I wonder if that stauff as connected?)  It is up quite a ways in my abdomen, and over to the left.  I have no real explanation for this kind of rather dull pain!