I guess the universe decided I needed to become a woman this year. I have known I was transgender since Kindergarten. Throughout the years I cross dressed in private, played with makeup since very young, but always felt it was weird, shameful, and against the religion of the church my family attended. I told a few girlfriends though the years when I was close enough to trust them, which usually ended the relationship as they were looking for a man, and I don't blame them. The heart wants what the heart wants.
I always worried about losing family, friends, my career, eternal damnation from the religious teaching of my youth. etc. I retired early, so that isn't a fear any longer. I finished my military career years ago, not a worry. Our creator made us as we are, I can't imagine he would sentence punish me for something I have no control over. So my fears of transitioning are much less.
Forward to recent events, I am going through some stressful times, and they stressed me to the point of not being able to deny my true self. The stressful event is about over, but I am not letting go of wanting to find my true self.
I searched for a Dr in my area that specialized in Transgender patients, then found the local one recommended was my doctor already. He always wore the rainbow bracelet, it should have been a hint. I had an appointment for annual check up, so I pondered if I should tell him and see about getting some relief.
Dr appointment day came, and I thought I could always tell him next time, can't put that back in the bottle once on your medical records. I was driving to the appointment and just when I decided to chicken out and not tell him at my appointment, I got stopped by a stoplight. A very attractive woman walked across the crosswalk and she was dressed very nice yet professional. I asked myself why is it such a sin for me to want to be able to just exist the way she does? Then I said to myself, it isn't, and I AM going to tell the doctor today and see about trying to move in that direction.
At the end of the checkup, he asked if there were any questions. I said yes, do you do gender affirmation? (as if I hadn't already read it in his bio online) I told him I have always felt more like a woman, and believe I have Gender Dysphoria. I told him it isn't new, I have been this way since Kindergarten and it isn't going away. I gave him a short transgender summery of my life. He said normally if someone transitions, they go on HRT. I asked if that would help relieve my gender dysphoria? He said most people who go on HRT that are transgender usually find the depression goes away, the Gender Dysphoria goes away, and they just become much happier. If I wanted to talk about it, he would set up another appointment as he was booked that day and it would take a bit of time.
I researched online including this site for a long time. I was honest with myself, I have been recalling numerous facts and situations that tell me there should be no doubt. I emailed him over our healthcare app and also told him I was certain I was a Transwoman, and wanted to try HRT to see if I get relief from the Gender Dysphoria and the depression. He didn't have an opening until Jun, but a cancellation happened and I am going in on Monday the 11th Feb. to discuss options. I understand that if I begin HRT I should see if it relieves my Gender Dysphoria before any permanent bodily changes happen. I can live with small breasts if I decided to detransition, but the way I am feeling I am pretty sure I will not quit. So I guess my journey begins Monday, and if I am right about who I am, I will be at peace with myself for the first time in a very long time.
