Not trans enough to join the clique

[DawnOday]

I applied today to join a group of trans women in a meetup in Seattle. I told them I choose my places to appear female in public as I live in the burbs and not on Capital Hill where it is easy to express oneself. I also explained that I love my wife of 35 years and that we need each other. I explained my long quest to identify myself beginning in the early eighties and the fact that back in the fifties when a child put forward they were not the sex they were assigned, Mothers did not run to the doctors to get the kids sex changed. I started telling my Mom at seven. She knew at sixteen my testicles had not dropped. I explained to the hostess that due to health problems brought about by DES poisoning and the connection to my being transgender. I love that I have revealed myself after all these years and I was looking forward to being able to socialize with some other trans ladies that were over forty. When I was eighteen I was more worried about going to war than anything else as I was told I was a boy. Although I did not fully feel like it. At twenty six I married a beautiful woman because I was told I was a man. After a couple years I could not handle it anymore. Sex was not satisfying me and I went back to my crossdressing. Imagine that sex with a nympho not satisfying. I can guarantee I have spent more days dressed as a woman than 80% of the people on this site. I just don't go outside. Fear sucks. I was all set to come out in 1984 but lack of gender therapists contributed to my silence as I wanted a sympathetic ear and there was not the resources that are available today. Even as I write today transwomen are considered jokes, oddities, objects of Satan. I swear I am a human being. Just as much as any pius person. I have a belief in God but my God believes in Love not hate.  Whatever you do in your bedroom is your business, just as mine will remain private. It just boggles my mind that an oppressed minority chooses to make choices on who is oppressed enough to join their group. Oh well.

[AoifeB]

Oof, that sucks. Sadly, minority doesn't automatically mean nice, even to fellow people.

[Linde]

@DawnOday Those are the super Transistas, the self declared trans police.  I ran across of a few of them on reditt.  I was told that 1) I cannot be not intersex, because I would not have been able to get married, and 20 i can't be trans because i was married.  That was it, no further comment, I was outside!

I had a similar experience with a local LGBTQI Meetup group that turned out to be homosexuals only, and they did not wanted to be interrupted by this out trans person, who insisted that she was a lesbian.  After all, I was told, you were born with a penis, and this will never ever make you to be a lesbian, and that I am porbably only a horney guy who wants to see lesbians doing their thing and get high on this!

I think you find these super exclusive people in any place and at any level!

[Michelle_P]

Dawn, you may have just dodged a bullet.

Would you want to be a member of a group that judged your behavior and actions, that could turn on you for the crime of being 'not trans enough' at any time.  Would it feel like a safe social space for you, knowing that one slip could lead to rejection?

They sound fairly toxic to me.  There are many meetups for us out there.  Some are quite accepting and friendly.

[Jessica]

Dawn next time I'm in Seattle we can socialize with each other.  That may be in September and with all the gals considering joining in on the September West Coast Roadtrip, it might be a party.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[AoifeB]

I had a similar experience with a local LGBTQI Meetup group that turned out to be homosexuals only, and they did not wanted to be interrupted by this out trans person, who insisted that she was a lesbian.  After all, I was told, you were born with a penis, and this will never ever make you to be a lesbian, and that I am porbably only a horney guy who wants to see lesbians doing their thing and get high on this!

I think you find these super exclusive people in any place and at any level!

Ugh, TERF lesbians. Definitely not worth anyone's time.

[Devlyn]

Dawn, you may have just dodged a bullet.

Would you want to be a member of a group that judged your behavior and actions, that could turn on you for the crime of being 'not trans enough' at any time.  Would it feel like a safe social space for you, knowing that one slip could lead to rejection?

They sound fairly toxic to me.  There are many meetups for us out there.  Some are quite accepting and friendly.

^^^^^^^ This.

[Linde]

Ugh, TERF lesbians. Definitely not worth anyone's time.

You got it sister, the gas to drive there again is to valuable for me.  The money would be better invested in a lollipop!

[Sabrina Rei]

I applied today to join a group of trans women in a meetup in Seattle. I told them I choose my places to appear female in public as I live in the burbs and not on Capital Hill where it is easy to express oneself. I also explained that I love my wife of 35 years and that we need each other. I explained my long quest to identify myself beginning in the early eighties and the fact that back in the fifties when a child put forward they were not the sex they were assigned, Mothers did not run to the doctors to get the kids sex changed. I started telling my Mom at seven. She knew at sixteen my testicles had not dropped. I explained to the hostess that due to health problems brought about by DES poisoning and the connection to my being transgender. I love that I have revealed myself after all these years and I was looking forward to being able to socialize with some other trans ladies that were over forty. When I was eighteen I was more worried about going to war than anything else as I was told I was a boy. Although I did not fully feel like it. At twenty six I married a beautiful woman because I was told I was a man. After a couple years I could not handle it anymore. Sex was not satisfying me and I went back to my crossdressing. Imagine that sex with a nympho not satisfying. I can guarantee I have spent more days dressed as a woman than 80% of the people on this site. I just don't go outside. Fear sucks. I was all set to come out in 1984 but lack of gender therapists contributed to my silence as I wanted a sympathetic ear and there was not the resources that are available today. Even as I write today transwomen are considered jokes, oddities, objects of Satan. I swear I am a human being. Just as much as any pius person. I have a belief in God but my God believes in Love not hate.  Whatever you do in your bedroom is your business, just as mine will remain private. It just boggles my mind that an oppressed minority chooses to make choices on who is oppressed enough to join their group. Oh well.

I think you got lost in the emotions of your storytelling. What did they actually say when they rejected you? Was it the group as a whole or a sour gatekeeper of sorts? Perhaps you can appeal to others in the group?

[Lacy]

Sorry Dawn. I'm assuming they did not accept you.

You are plenty trans enough! If I was in Seattle I'd go out and socialize with you! It's a shame that these woman are caught up in their own bullcrap. They missed out on making friends with a wonderful woman.

I will agree with the above stated bullet dodge.
Imagine yourself as a female version of Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix being directed by the Wachowski twins!

Lacy

[DawnOday]

Elle.   It's a small group of about 25 so far. Mostly there are 4-5 show up. They are on their 6th meeting. The leader recommended I go to a therapist because I can't come to terms going full time. I am full time I just don't always display the garments that quash my dysphoria like bra and panties. Mostly I wear jeans and blouses when I go out. Maybe that's too dudiesh but it works for me. They all are from the Capital Hill area of Seattle where being yourself is pretty much accepted.

Lacy    I appreciate that. I would love to hang out with you too. I am so backward, it is a challenge to catch up to 50 years of hiding my identity. But those were the rules. Some people got lucky and happened into information.

Jessica   Woo hoo. I'd love that, truly. I feel I already know much about you and the girls. One thing I would love to do is go see Kendra in concert.

Michelle  I thought about that. She was saying they are dealing with things that I have not dealt with because I don't dress full time. That is in deference to my wife of 35 years. I wear enough to keep my dysphoria at bay. I'm too old to live on my own, too poor thanks to the Bushman, to move out, and love my family more than anything in the world including myself. Thirty years ago it would have been much different. I was healthier, firmly middle class.Then came the Bushman and the end to my 401k.

Thank you all for letting me vent. I am so proud to be a member of this group. You do not know how much you all mean to me.

[MeTony]

You don't need them. If they have no understanding of other people's challenges, you will do better without them.

Sometimes it takes time to find a good group of people. Have you thought of searching for support groups in the city? Might be a bit to travel but it could be worth the time.

I found a great group of people 40 km from home. I go through rush hour traffic to get there. Takes 1 - 1 1/2 hour to drive there. But it is worth every minute.


Tony

[Margarine]

Dawn,
I am so very sorry this happened to you, for a group that is to be accepting they are pretty closed minded! I sent them a message a while ago and was rejected not for the reasons you were, but for being a bit right of center. I was told "Margaret, your reputation and attitude proceed you...." I responded to the "woman" in charge where do I mail my "trans card" back to. She did not respond. Have you tried the gender alliance meetings on Fridays and some Tuesdays in Tacoma at the Rainbow Center? I know Saturday morning T was great when Catharine was running it, now not so much, Susan and I went last week and it was a no show for leadership A few people showed up and we chatted. That might be an option for you to approach the Rainbow center about a group?

I am again so very sorry they treated you like that! I will say hi to all of them when they arrive in hell with me!

Take care,

Margaret

[Cindy]

Dawn you absolutely don't need them.

I organised a TG support group in Adelaide, that is still going - Lizk goes to it I think. Our rule were simple. Turn up and join in. No one cared if you were done and dusted, just starting and bewildered, dressed like Jennifer Lopez at the Grammy's, or in the clothes you do the gardening in.

Support = support and there are no pre conditions needed for that.

[big kim]

Sadly there's a lot of it about. I'm not "real" as I worked as a bus driver, had girlfriends,I'm bi, wear jeans, don't do make up, listen to punk & metal, go to the punk rock festival every year ride a Harley & like muscle cars. I went to a good support group til it became over run with the "unless you're just like us you can't be a real TS" crowd.

[GingerVicki]

Sadly there's a lot of it about. I'm not "real" as I worked as a bus driver, had girlfriends,I'm bi, wear jeans, don't do make up, listen to punk & metal, go to the punk rock festival every year ride a Harley & like muscle cars. I went to a good support group til it became over run with the "unless you're just like us you can't be a real TS" crowd.

That mostly explains me. I'm not girly or dare I say 'flaming' enough to be trans in the local community. I think it is funny because they say that people do not accept them, but they can't even get along with themselves most of the time. It is sad because I get along with most people excluding many MtF people, which is why I found Susans in the first place.

I've been considered a straight acting gay guy for most of my life and it worked well. Although they are all wrong I am just a woman trapped in a man's body. So I guess that I am an outcast too.

I've been through rough days and know to look where I am accepted. Maybe I'll find some people that have had some of the life expiriences that i've had and we can relate on that level. I am sure that they are out there somewhere.

Wishing everyone luck.

[Margarine]

I've been through rough days and know to look where I am accepted. Maybe I'll find some people that have had some of the life expiriences that i've had and we can relate on that level. I am sure that they are out there somewhere.

Wishing everyone luck.

I have found acceptance in places where it was least expected and rejection where I thought it would be. I get along with most of the world, I have friends that are to the Right of John Birch and almost as left as Uncle Joe Stalin. I kept a few friend when I could no longer play the role of Phil, I have had much better relations and acceptance being ME. Being a MAJOR Alpha Richard Cranium most of my life hiding and fearing someone would find out was rough. I hope you find your people Vicki, it's amazing when you even find one!
Take care
-Margaret

[jill610]

Let me play devils advocate here.

I do not necessarily agree with exclusion, but from one potential perspective, if you are not "full time" then how do you and they relate? Your experiences are completely different and you benefit from them, but hey do not benefit from you.

I have stopped going to a number of groups because I don't benefit from being there. 

Have you had your ass grabbed because you were wearing a skirt? Been mansplained or had mechanics attempt to upsell you, the "dumb broad"?

Not saying it's right, but understand your life experiences and challenges are quite different from theirs and perhaps that is not the point of their group. I am in many women's groups and it is often important to be able to relate.

If the exclusion is more of a "well you aren't living as a woman so you aren't trans" then yeah I agree with you, that's dumb and you probably don't want to socialize with them anyways.

[GingerVicki]

Have you had your ass grabbed because you were wearing a skirt? Been mansplained or had mechanics attempt to upsell you, the "dumb broad"?

One does not have to be female to have these things happen to them. I've presented androgynous most of my life.

Unfortunately, I have had my butt grabbed and even backed into a corner by men before. I do not like being treated like that by men because they are that much larger than me, but what can I do.

Mansplained and mechanic upsell are also included. I think that many men think that there is a height requirement before a man is a man. This is my personal experience. Other peoples may vary.

Cheers to invalidation.

[jill610]

One does not have to be female to have these things happen to them. I've presented androgynous most of my life.

Unfortunately, I have had my butt grabbed and even backed into a corner by men before. I do not like being treated like that by men because they are that much larger than me, but what can I do.

Mansplained and mechanic upsell are also included. I think that many men think that there is a height requirement before a man is a man. This is my personal experience. Other peoples may vary.

Cheers to invalidation.

I think you missed the point of my post.