Working Through Changes from Boyfriend Taking Testosterone

[ChicagosLorant]

Hey there! I'm brand new and created an account specifically to talk about this. I wasn't exactly sure if I should have this topic here or the SO board because I'm transgender myself and wanted trans opinions.

Anyway, I'm a nonbinary college student dating a trans masculine college student. We've been dating for a bit over a year and my boyfriend's recently gotten on testosterone. I think we're on month three? Anyway, I'm having a little bit of a struggle with adjusting to his new temperament. He's easily frustrated and feels angry way more than he has before taking T and struggles with getting it out in a healthy way because anger was fairly rare for him and he also had a lot of built-up negativity around anger as an emotion in general. He's finding ways of coping with it, but sometimes he just kinda internalizes it and sits with his frustration for hours or days.

I'm 100% supportive of him and happy he's taking T, but sometimes I'm not sure what to do when he's in a bad mood. He's much more closed-off than he was before, making communication difficult sometimes. He will sometimes not talk to me or just generally say that he's frustrated or mad but unable to verbally process or understand it, which is normally how we work through things. I also have a history of men taking their frustration out on me so I my gut reaction is to try and make it better because the little trauma center in the back of my head is afraid that my boyfriend will start yelling or ignoring me if I don't fix it. This is wrong and I know it - we are very clear that yelling and violence has no place in our relationship and he has never been threatening towards me at all. This is an irrational fear, but one that just keeps coming up.

We've talked as much as we can about it and he knows I've been looking for people to talk to about this and agrees that I need to find people that understand the situation. I want to be the best partner I can be for him because I know these changes are difficult and scary for him too. He just has more people to talk to (he goes to an on-campus LGBTQ support group and has a lot of other trans men / trans masc folks on T) and I don't really know anyone who's dating someone on T who knew them before starting hormones and have been dating for more than a few months.

I guess I'm looking for validation and tips? Has anyone else dealt with this situation, of a partner going on testosterone and bringing emotions into the relationship that weren't there before? I feel like I'm not being a good partner and I don't want to make him think I'm ever upset he went on T or fed up with him. I just feel lost and alone with my struggles and I don't want to heap them all on him. Thoughts?

[Jessica]

Hi Lorant 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
Emotions when starting hrt can be a bit of a rollercoaster.  It took me a few months and adjustments made by my endocrinologist before I got used to them.  Hopefully your boyfriend has access to counseling that can help him steer through the rough spots.
You mention that you too are transgender but on the NB spectrum.  Are you amab or afab?
If you were assigned male, maybe you have experience that can help him also.

I see you're new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

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[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. T can result in a lack of communication and anger issues. When this happens, communicating with doctors can be very important. In the case of a endo, it's possible the blood levels are excessive resulting in this type of behavior. If so, a reduction in dosage could help with the problem.

In the case of a therapist, some of the natural male responses are to bottle up emotions. This is somewhat affected by high levels of T so somebody on T may need to learn new ways of dealing with emotions.

I read the information about hormones for both MTF and FTM and it is surprising just how much of our personality is determined by a chemical in our blood. Changing the chemistry means we have to learn how to deal with the many changes it brings to our body and mind.

[Kirsteneklund7]

 Vigorous physical activity can be a big help with this. Anybody running on male level androgens needs to blow off some steam now and then.

Going for a surf, games of sport, martial arts, a run or bike ride can help. The worst thing is being cooped up with it all - being out and about in the great outdoors doing stuff can provide relief.

I bet stability and even an upbeat more motivated boyfriend will develop with time.

It sounds like you are a real rock for him.

Wishing both of you the very best,  Kirsten.

[ChicagosLorant]

Hi Lorant 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica...

Hey, thank you for the links! I found a few of them by myself but missed others. I'm AFAB but have suspected for a few years that I have higher natural levels of T than average, so I can't 100% relate but I should probably reflect on my experiences and how my mood has differed from other AFAB folks, maybe that can be a good conversation point with him.

Also to everyone who's replied, I really appreciate it. I'm gonna let him know that I've found somewhere to express my anxieties so they're not all lumped on him and also advise him to talk to his endocrinologist about his mood swings at his next check-in so they can decide if it's a dosage issue or just normal for his situation. Y'all are so kind!

[krobinson103]

Coming from a male to female perspective I remember having to do a lot of vigorous physical activity to stop the frustration and anger from building up. I found that going on e fixed most of those issues for me but I became far more emotional, which took a while to get used to!