My heart's in my throat, but at the same time I feel empty inside. I can't get motivated to do anything at all. I am struggling to even write this post I want to sleep, and when I can't, all I want to do is cry. It's so bad I don't even want to eat. I am not suicidal, but I can feel the loss of hope looming inside.
What's gotten me to this point was a lot of things.
The biggest is the site's financial status. We are 3 months into 2019. And my already meager pay has been short around $600 per month, so a total of $1,231.90 in the first 2 months of the year. (I make $1,400 a month) I have so much I need and want to do on the site, but I lack the funds needed to do so. I have recently lost two senior staff, but haven't gotten around to even thinking about their replacement.
I have cut every expense I can because it's to the point if the shortfalls keep up soon won't be able to pay my bills.
- Entertainment cut to the bone
- Hormones have been put on hold though i am not yet feeling the effects of that yet.
- No Medical or Dental Care even though i am past due for both. I am dealing with a raging psoriasis outbreak on my scalp.
- Food is mostly ramein noodles and skillet dinners, and very monotonous
- Forget personal care, I don't even have hot water in the house at the moment unless I boil it.
So far this year minus the direct site expenses I am getting around $800 a month, which works out to under $4.00 an hour right now, an amount well under the yearly federal poverty limit. Just over half goes to rent, the rest covers car insurance, food, water, heat, gas, etc.
I have asked for help from the site's members twice, and each time received very little response. Just so you know I don't ask until things are already financially dire!
Other factors include the cold and very wet weather, and so cabin fever is very likely a part of it. I need a warm sunny spring day. Winter weight gain from the inactivity isn't helping; no room for fitness equipment in a house this tiny. I desperately need to get out of the house but I don't even want to buy the gas that would take.
I am also extremely lonely, though the recent addition of a puppy has lessened it a little, it doesn't make up for a lack of real human companionship, and conversation.
I am basically at my wits end. Sorry, but I needed to vent! You can expect this post to disappear at some point soon. Good night I am going to go lay down.
