My heart's in my throat, but at the same time I feel empty inside. I can't get motivated to do anything at all. I am struggling to even write this post I want to sleep, and when I can't, all I want to do is cry. It's so bad I don't even want to eat. I am not suicidal, but I can feel the loss of hope looming inside.

What's gotten me to this point was a lot of things.

The biggest is the site's financial status. We are 3 months into 2019. And my already meager pay has been short around $600 per month, so a total of $1,231.90 in the first 2 months of the year. (I make $1,400 a month) I have so much I need and want to do on the site, but I lack the funds needed to do so. I have recently lost two senior staff, but haven't gotten around to even thinking about their replacement.

I have cut every expense I can because it's to the point if the shortfalls keep up soon won't be able to pay my bills.

• Entertainment cut to the bone
• Hormones have been put on hold though i am not yet feeling the effects of that yet.
• No Medical or Dental Care even though i am past due for both. I am dealing with a raging psoriasis outbreak on my scalp.
• Food is mostly ramein noodles and skillet dinners, and very monotonous
• Forget personal care, I don't even have hot water in the house at the moment unless I boil it.

So far this year minus the direct site expenses I am getting around $800 a month, which works out to under $4.00 an hour right now, an amount well under the yearly federal poverty limit. Just over half goes to rent, the rest covers car insurance, food, water, heat, gas, etc.

I have asked for help from the site's members twice, and each time received very little response. Just so you know I don't ask until things are already financially dire!

Other factors include the cold and very wet weather, and so cabin fever is very likely a part of it. I need a warm sunny spring day. Winter weight gain from the inactivity isn't helping; no room for fitness equipment in a house this tiny. I desperately need to get out of the house but I don't even want to buy the gas that would take.

I am also extremely lonely, though the recent addition of a puppy has lessened it a little, it doesn't make up for a lack of real human companionship, and conversation.

I am basically at my wits end. Sorry, but I needed to vent! You can expect this post to disappear at some point soon. Good night I am going to go lay down.

Susan, I'm glad you reached out.  We all have our down moments, no matter how strong we seem.  This site that you created is proof that there is a need and that Susan's Place is a wonderful group of helpful members with thoughts that help get us through those dark moments.

Financial worries can send you next to panic when things you love are threatened, and you love Susan's Place more than anyone could.

Hopefully my donation of $100 can help you climb out of the hole monetarily.
But ever most, I pray that you climb out of the hole of depression.
No matter what the future brings to any of us, everyone can hold onto their successes they achieved in life. 
You have many successes.  Each and every member has had the potential of being a life you've saved by creating a place where we can get true support.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

I don't have anything to offer but sympathy. I'd like to send you something, but I don't know how I'm going to make it until tax time. Like you, I'm eating basic stuff I socked away for emergencies: lots and lots of dried beans.

I know it doesn't help now, but when I have something I will send you some.

I know depression can be very difficult.  Financial worries can be very hard on someone too.  You have created a site that many enjoy and has likely saved a few lives.  I am not familiar with money raising events or methods, but there has to be a way to raise money for this site that would keep you from needing to pay for it yourself.  The number of members here is huge for the amount of money you get to help pay the bills to keep it up.  I know for many the thought of others finding out they are transgender is terrifying.  Many may be afraid the credit card statement , paypal, etc. would out them.  Is there a way to perhaps make a way that the donation is listed as another name when the statement comes in to appear as another type of expense?  Perhaps I missed it, but a P.O. box  address to actually send a money order might help some that want to contribute but are terrified a spouse or other will discover they are are transgender person who is not out yet.  Go Fund me is popular these days too.

   Perhaps some other members can chime in here with some good fund raising methods that will help keep Susan from dipping into her own pockets and having to worry about money to pay for monthly bills for her home. 

  I am new here and donated via paypal this month.  I hope the members can step up in higher numbers so it isn't a burden on you. 

  Thank you for creating the site and the help you and the site has provided for millions of transgender people throughout the years. 

If you're nervous about a donation being traced back to you you can mail your donation using a money order, bank check or whatever way you want to do it. The address can be found in the post at this link..

I'm grateful and I know I don't donate enough. I'll try to be better.
I don't know if you've considered it but have you thought of setting up a patreon page? I know they take a piece, I'm not sure how much but it makes it easier to support something because you automatic monthly contribution.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Dena on March 14, 2019, 02:55:47 PM
If you're nervous about a donation being traced back to you you can mail your donation using a money order, bank check or whatever way you want to do it. The address can be found in the post at this link..

Some don't care and the convenience of paypal etc. may be very nice but for those who are still not out, having a way to donate anonymously may bring in more necessary dollars to support Susan.  Thanks for all you do as well, I notice you are here a lot and provide lots of helpful information.  The direct payment mailing address was easy to find at your link. 

sorry, hope things turn around

I'm so sorry about your situation Susan. Sadly, I have first-hand experience about the things you are talking about(both the depression and the financial troubles), it's a very bad place to be. I wish I was in a position to help financially, but I'm not much better off myself at the moment I'm afraid.