I'm honestly a bit scared to type anything here, but I'm just going to take a deep breath and write anyhow.
Last fall was the first time I said aloud to anybody that I had gender identity issues. Walking into that therapist's office and admitting that to get help was one of the hardest things I've done. Telling my wife about a week later... that too is right up there. But it also wasn't easy hiding those thoughts from the rest of the world, and for much of that time even from myself, for about three decades.
I was really good at compartmentalizing. It was in middle school that I first started having thoughts about what it would be like to be a girl. And then praying about it. And then trying to imagine it. Off and on, only at night, not necessarily every night, while my daytime self wasn't really aware. Not until really the last few years, after I already had a daughter and had been married for some time, have I really become fully aware of all of these thoughts. It's not as if I had a second personality: I just was really good at putting a part of my brain away during the day so I could get lots and lots and lots of things done.
My wife's trying to be supportive in the ways that she can, but this is not easy for her: she didn't sign up to be married to a woman, and she has a hard time envisioning romantic attraction if I were to transition. That's important to her, which I understand and deeply empathize with. I never wanted to hurt her, and I tried to hold out as long as I could from saying anything. I just couldn't hold this in any more.
I thought that maybe I could go to my grave with this secret, and at some point I realized that was maybe true, but that day would maybe just come sooner than I thought.
I started growing out my hair about 16 months ago, because I thought well maybe just in case I decide to say anything, maybe that would help: I was right! Having longer hair, a bit below the ears, helps me feel a lot better. Since last fall, I've started some new clothes, nothing dramatic, mostly androgynous, maybe on the side of a bit feminine—my wife has helped me pick things out. Women's jeans, leggings, yoga pants, cardigans, but nothing like skirts or dresses. And I've tried to make some clothing choices that I can wear outside the home as well as inside the home. There are some things I might wear just at home, but I really do want to start shifting what the normal is for me. That gets uncomfortable, but it tends to feel better once I do that.
I've told a few people, but not my close family members or long-time friends that I share in common with my wife. She's not ready for that, and I'm not sure if or when she will be. That's something that's maybe the most difficult. Not being open with those close to me.
Things like hormones or facial hair removal or a name change are well beyond her comfort zone. And I don't even know how I feel about things like surgeries. Body issues were a big part of what I spent my time thinking about, but the surgery-related items were not as big a part of that. Honestly doing some shaving of some body hair and regular facial hair shaving has been a really big relief for me.
What I can focus on right now is my personal health. I'm very, very, very overweight and have a lot of health issues with that. I have tried a lot of things over the years, but have started working with a new doctor and have had some good success. I have a really long way to go, but my wife and are in alignment on that, so that's a good area to focus on together.
I love my wife, I love my daughter (beginning of elementary school). I want to make things work. I know that will not be easy, and may not work out, and some personal happiness might be easier for either of us if we just let go. But for me gender relief is not happiness if I am not with my family. So I want to do everything I can do, even if it means that things are still difficult for me with gender issues. If I can find some ways to help with dysphoria, and we continue to each work on things in therapy, maybe do some joint therapy, I don't know, I want to hope for possibilities.
I can say to myself now, yes, I'm trans, and accept that. Working on self-acceptance and compassion is hard, working through dealing with shame and guilt is hard. My wife found the partner boards here helpful, in that she found them less judgmental than some other places. I'm hoping I might be able to find the same for myself too, in that right now for me what I need to focus on is improving my health and finding some ways to help me to cope while I work on that and try to continue to work through things.
Hoping I can find some community here, even if my path isn't exactly the same as everyone's.
