I'm honestly a bit scared to type anything here, but I'm just going to take a deep breath and write anyhow.

Last fall was the first time I said aloud to anybody that I had gender identity issues. Walking into that therapist's office and admitting that to get help was one of the hardest things I've done. Telling my wife about a week later... that too is right up there. But it also wasn't easy hiding those thoughts from the rest of the world, and for much of that time even from myself, for about three decades.

I was really good at compartmentalizing. It was in middle school that I first started having thoughts about what it would be like to be a girl. And then praying about it. And then trying to imagine it. Off and on, only at night, not necessarily every night, while my daytime self wasn't really aware. Not until really the last few years, after I already had a daughter and had been married for some time, have I really become fully aware of all of these thoughts. It's not as if I had a second personality: I just was really good at putting a part of my brain away during the day so I could get lots and lots and lots of things done.

My wife's trying to be supportive in the ways that she can, but this is not easy for her: she didn't sign up to be married to  a woman, and she has a hard time envisioning romantic attraction if I were to transition. That's important to her, which I understand and deeply empathize with. I never wanted to hurt her, and I tried to hold out as long as I could from saying anything. I just couldn't hold this in any more.

I thought that maybe I could go to my grave with this secret, and at some point I realized that was maybe true, but that day would maybe just come sooner than I thought.

I started growing out my hair about 16 months ago, because I thought well maybe just in case I decide to say anything, maybe that would help: I was right! Having longer hair, a bit below the ears, helps me feel a lot better. Since last fall, I've started some new clothes, nothing dramatic, mostly androgynous, maybe on the side of a bit feminine—my wife has helped me pick things out. Women's jeans, leggings, yoga pants, cardigans, but nothing like skirts or dresses. And I've tried to make some clothing choices that I can wear outside the home as well as inside the home. There are some things I might wear just at home, but I really do want to start shifting what the normal is for me. That gets uncomfortable, but it tends to feel better once I do that.

I've told a few people, but not my close family members or long-time friends that I share in common with my wife. She's not ready for that, and I'm not sure if or when she will be. That's something that's maybe the most difficult. Not being open with those close to me.

Things like hormones or facial hair removal or a name change are well beyond her comfort zone. And I don't even know how I feel about things like surgeries. Body issues were a big part of what I spent my time thinking about, but the surgery-related items were not as big a part of that. Honestly doing some shaving of some body hair and regular facial hair shaving has been a really big relief for me.

What I can focus on right now is my personal health. I'm very, very, very overweight and have a lot of health issues with that. I have tried a lot of things over the years, but have started working with a new doctor and have had some good success. I have a really long way to go, but my wife and are in alignment on that, so that's a good area to focus on together.

I love my wife, I love my daughter (beginning of elementary school). I want to make things work. I know that will not be easy, and may not work out, and some personal happiness might be easier for either of us if we just let go. But for me gender relief is not happiness if I am not with my family. So I want to do everything I can do, even if it means that things are still difficult for me with gender issues. If I can find some ways to help with dysphoria, and we continue to each work on things in therapy, maybe do some joint therapy, I don't know, I want to hope for possibilities.

I can say to myself now, yes, I'm trans, and accept that. Working on self-acceptance and compassion is hard, working through dealing with shame and guilt is hard. My wife found the partner boards here helpful, in that she found them less judgmental than some other places. I'm hoping I might be able to find the same for myself too, in that right now for me what I need to focus on is improving my health and finding some ways to help me to cope while I work on that and try to continue to work through things.

Hoping I can find some community here, even if my path isn't exactly the same as everyone's.

Dear ReyOfStarshine

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.


I can relate to the idea of taking "my secret" to the grave with me and vowing never to tell anyone. I think many of us feel that exact same way. There is no set path you have to take. The key is finding out where the comfort zone lies for you. I found that a good therapist helped me sort this stuff out and also to help me evaluate my relationships along the way.

There is such a lot of great information on this site and lots of really valuable experience. Feel free to tap into it and I am sure you will find your own path. Many people are able to improve their Dysphoria with low dose HRT as an alternative to full transition dose. Having support during this time is crucial wether it be from a place like this or the local support group. So pull up a chair make yourself comfortable and enjoy your time here.

So you are able to get the very best from being here there are a couple of links we give to all our new members

Regards

Liz

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Hi ReyOfStarshine 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

@ReyOfStarshine
Dear ReyOfStarshine:
     I am so very glad that you have become a member here and that you have started posting in the Forums.
     
    As you continue to post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

   
     For sure this is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

     I see that our lovely member  @LizK  has already welcomed you but please allow me to also warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    Attached near at the end of  LizK's  Welcome Message are important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Hi ReyOfStarshine!

Welcome here in the forums!

Except for a few details I am in the exact same position as you and I joined here on Susan's about 2 months ago and have found these forums very helpful. I am sure you will find them helpful too.

I wish you good luck on your journey and would love to follow your progress, thoughts and how things are going!

Hugs,

HM


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Welcome ReyofStarshine!

If you can, I think it  helps to share as much as you can with your partner.  It did for me.

Good luck with improving your health.  You can't do much until you that straightened out.

Marion

Hi, Sweetie. 

Your job is not to fashion yourself into whatever other people need or want you to be. Your job is to be real.

Life is a journey. Cis women, in our culture, have freedom to experiment, to play with different presentations, to discover who they are. Karyotpic males do not; their paths are set. Conform, or suffer the unimaginable.

You are who you are. It doesn't matter who you are; what matters is that you don't try to bury it in order to make someone else happy. Many -- in fact, most -- sacrifices people make for loved ones are appropriate; but sacrificing who one is, is not. We are who we are. Denying reality is a ridiculous way to live.

I think we sometimes adopt the view, unwittingly, that being a woman -- or a man -- is something we have a choice about. We don't. We are women in the wrong bodies. Well, ->-bleeped-<-. It could be worse, believe me. The proper course is to play the hand we're dealt as well as we can. We're not alone in this, after all. Everyone gets dealt some ->-bleeped-<-ty cards; how we play them is what matters. Anyone who has played Spades, or Bridge, can tell you, sometimes a hand that looks completely ->-bleeped-<-ty is really gold; it all comes down to the play.

if you're a woman, then be a woman. I admit to being prejudiced; I can't understand anyone wanting to be a man. OMG, what a horror. And yet, if that's your gift, then I'm sure you feel the same way about being a woman.

What a weird situation we find ourselves in. 

LIke LizK says.... this is a wonderful place.  As soon as your heart rate steadies out

I find it fascianting.  In fact I know there's a doctorate in here somewher... but I'm to old to pursue it now.  The fascination is that so many of us are overwieght?  Not something I am proud of, but it really helps to know I'm not alone and neither are you! 

Welcome!  I've been lurking for a year or two, getting the courage to raise my hand.  I look forward to accompanying you in the travel to self rationalization.

Regards,
Amalie

Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on April 02, 2019, 04:45:24 PM
Except for a few details I am in the exact same position as you and I joined here on Susan's about 2 months ago and have found these forums very helpful. I am sure you will find them helpful too.

That's reassuring to hear, thank you HM.

It's hard to be in a place where you feel almost your whole life like you're on your own, and you need to figure this out on your own, deal with this on your own. Getting some help, any help, was hard. Letting go of feeling alone and trying to connect with others, for me that's a big step.

Glad you're finding the forums helpful. There's a lot here! I'm sure there will be lots to read.

Quote from: Maid Marion on April 02, 2019, 06:29:17 PM
If you can, I think it  helps to share as much as you can with your partner.  It did for me.

Good luck with improving your health.  You can't do much until you that straightened out.

For a while we were sharing everything and it brought a lot of closeness, but it also brought some pain when we each shared some things that were hard for the other person to hear. I backed off for a while to just try to cope, and that led to some distance. We did more sharing and openness this week, and I think that was helpful.

Keeping the focus on health is important for me. We both agree on that, and it's just a good thing to do no matter what. That doesn't need to be a means to an end, but yes, it's important. I've spent a lifetime not feeling good about my body for numerous reasons, not all of them to do with gender. If I can do something about that, that would feel good to me. It's hard not to be skeptical, as I've tried and failed so many times. I have had two good months now, so that's good. One day, one month at a time.

Quote from: Ann W on April 03, 2019, 08:49:00 PM
Cis women, in our culture, have freedom to experiment, to play with different presentations, to discover who they are. Karyotpic males do not; their paths are set. Conform, or suffer the unimaginable.

I hear you on that. I've felt the pressures of conformity and the lack of that freedom to experiment with presentation. I feel like I'm doing that now, and I have to say, it can be really scary sometimes, and I can see some looks people give, even with what feels like not huge, huge changes. Maybe I'm just imagining some of the looks, but I would guess not all of them. It's just... scary... to step outside the box of what it feels like I've had for presentation. And maybe it's bigger than I believe it to be. I may have made my box smaller than necessary—subconsciously—to make it easier to keep a low profile. But it still feels like not a huge box.

I haven't heard the term Karyoptic before, and I didn't find it in a search. Curious what that is?

Quote from: Ann W on April 03, 2019, 08:49:00 PM
any -- in fact, most -- sacrifices people make for loved ones are appropriate; but sacrificing who one is, is not. We are who we are. Denying reality is a ridiculous way to live.

I think we sometimes adopt the view, unwittingly, that being a woman -- or a man -- is something we have a choice about. We don't.

Definitely not trying to deny reality. And I didn't choose to feel this way. This is something I'm trying to deal with in the best way I can. I'm just trying to find how I can thread the needle, because my family is such a really important part of my life. I just want to make this work. I want to try my very best to do that. Maybe that will take playing just the right cards, and hoping for some sort of lucky break with the way the next hands are dealt.

It's not as if I'm completely burying myself. I'm not exactly the same person I was six months ago. I mean nobody is, right? We all change and grow. I need time myself to adapt to trying out some new things, because it's not always easy for me either. And I am not feeling a need to try All The Things. I hear what you're saying though. I do need to keep myself in mind. I'm a part of my family too. For me it's a balance. Or I am trying to do a difficult balancing act?

Quote from: Ann W on April 03, 2019, 08:49:00 PM
if you're a woman, then be a woman.

I think—at least I hope?—that different people's brains might conceptualize this differently? My brain has just never processed all the feelings I have towards gender in that way. I've always felt this is something I want to become rather than something I am. And other people feel like that is the way they have always felt, which seems like it would maybe be almost less confusing? But I mean God, this isn't easy for anyone. I also feel like there are sort of these onion layers around me that have been built up as defense mechanisms. And that maybe if those were peeled away or if I just let go of them, well maybe that's what that becoming means. But my brain isn't there. That's part of the whole acceptance that I'm working on, the shedding of shame, and that is no easy process.

Thank you for your insights!

Quote from: damalie on April 04, 2019, 12:32:44 PM
I find it fascianting.  In fact I know there's a doctorate in here somewher... but I'm to old to pursue it now.  The fascination is that so many of us are overwieght?  Not something I am proud of, but it really helps to know I'm not alone and neither are you! 

One thing I've wondered is that for so long I spent so many nights praying and wishing and just begging to change my body, just trying to visualize and feel that change. And I almost wonder if somehow deep down my body responded to that by doing the only thing it knew how to do to give me some degree of curves and some degree of a chest. Now not in the way that I envisioned that, and with terrible health consequences, but I just wonder if there's something that was going on subconsciously there.

And I also kind of feel that same effect has been a big part of my difficulties with losing weight, because there's a big fear about losing the aspects of my body that come from being overweight that actually sort of feel more right than wrong. Despite all the other side effects. And I frankly still have that fear, but can't exactly talk to the doctor I'm working with about that. That might be something that actually drives me to some more specialty care that deals specifically with gender care issues, although I have a lot of fear about that marking me forever in the medical system. Yaaaaaaay electronic health records.

Agree that this would be a great area for research