A Lifetime of Dysphoria

[soyunachica]

Hi all,

Often in life we want to know stories of where people like us ended up later in life based on their consequences. This is a little harder for trans related things lol.

So I'm 22, and gender dysphoria has always haunted me in some way, but particularly picked up after puberty really hit and has been more slowly worsening since.  I didn't say anything about it until a few months ago, and for a while all hell broke loose in my life. I've already been referred to for HRT by a decent gender therapist, which means something I'm doing now could have permanent gravity. Although the years not living authentically are a permanent loss too I guess.

But for those of you significantly older than me or have stories, if you went on HRT like this in your early-mid 20s, are you happy with how things turned out years later and/or do you wish you could have been on it then and wish you were on it then? Do you know anyone who moved didn't want the effects of hormonal transition much later; is it common?

I want to check my hunch (and with this also calm my parents down) that gender dysphoria this persistent probably won't ever go away without transition, even middle-aged. The only thing I don't want to decide on permanently is children - am looking into freezing places next.

[KathyLauren]

When I was in my 20s, I wasn't aware of what my dysphoria was.  In hindsight, I see clearly the signs of it, but at the time, I was not aware enough to catch it or identify it.  There was just a vague feeling that "something" was wrong.

It never went away.  That is a common pattern that I see all through people's personal accounts here.  Common enough, that I would say that it is a general rule: gender dysphoria does not ever go away.

It took me until I was in my 60s to identify it, break through layers of internal transphobia, and do something about it.  Yes, I wish I had figured it out in my 20s.  Not enough to beat myself up about it: my life is in a good place now, so I am not complaining.

[Sephirah]

From the perspective of someone unable to transition, due to health reasons, and having dealt with it for well over 30 years, I can tell you that in my case it doesn't go away. It hasn't for me. It's there like an incessant toothache from a tooth I can never remove.

I came here looking for answers when I was 28. Now I am 39. My deepest regret in life is that I thought I had time. I thought I could wait to take the steps I knew deep down I needed to take. I waited until it was too late. Until something happened that took the decision away from me and forced me down a road I never wanted to take. I have to deal with that every day.

It doesn't go away. And the less you can do about it, the worse it is. Some days it's a throbbing ache. Other days it's a vicious whirling chainsaw of biting anguish. But it's always there. Always lurking in the shadows to bare its fangs and show you that whatever you do to try and live, you're living a shadow of who you are.

*sigh* Sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear. But that's where I ended up later in life based on consequences of leaving things too long. Thinking it would all be okay "somehow". And not getting my backside into gear when I had the chance. And now trying to live the best way I can. Seeing a holy grail forever out of reach.

That isn't how it's going to be for everyone. That's how it was for me. I can't tell you if it would go away for you. Everyone is different. Sometimes people think something that proves later on to not be the case. It happens. Down to many factors. You will find your own path. All I will say based on my own experience is... you don't know what the future has in store. Don't think you have all the time in the world because... that may not be the case. And the last thing you ever want to do is live a life with regrets and wishes. *hugs*

[Dena]

I started the process about your age however things progressed at a slower rate. You can check out my posting history or the link in my signature. Your question and the unasked question - I am glad I did it and have never regretted my decision. Why am I here? To help others avoid the problems I had to deal with and the problem I didn't have to deal with.

[D'Amalie]

Well, my dear.   I'm 58 now.....and it has worsened over the last 30 years.  One can only immerse oneself in family and work for so long.  Your life will implode.  Okay,  YMMV.  Only is society would have supported me at 13 years old.

[krobinson103]

Hi all,

Often in life we want to know stories of where people like us ended up later in life based on their consequences. This is a little harder for trans related things lol.

So I'm 22, and gender dysphoria has always haunted me in some way, but particularly picked up after puberty really hit and has been more slowly worsening since.  I didn't say anything about it until a few months ago, and for a while all hell broke loose in my life. I've already been referred to for HRT by a decent gender therapist, which means something I'm doing now could have permanent gravity. Although the years not living authentically are a permanent loss too I guess.

But for those of you significantly older than me or have stories, if you went on HRT like this in your early-mid 20s, are you happy with how things turned out years later and/or do you wish you could have been on it then and wish you were on it then? Do you know anyone who moved didn't want the effects of hormonal transition much later; is it common?

I want to check my hunch (and with this also calm my parents down) that gender dysphoria this persistent probably won't ever go away without transition, even middle-aged. The only thing I don't want to decide on permanently is children - am looking into freezing places next.

I knew at 12 or 13 that I didn't like my body. I tried to escape in many ways. Being gay, overwork, obsessive hobbies. I even tried to get married to prove I could be 'normal'. But... in the end at the age of 43 I was faced with a stark choice. Transition... or die. Of course by this time my life was established, I had a wife, kids, house, career.

Transition cost me my wife and kids and I no longer live in the house all my money is in. A lot of my income goes into supporting a life I don't live. I don't regret the past. Not one day of it. I did some amazing things in running from myself. I will say however, that it was all unnecessary. The pain, the anxiety, the self doubt. If I had transitioned early 20's I would have lived my life far more authentically.

If you are trans and have a brain that doesn't match your body it never goes away and nothing you can do or say will change it. Its best to accept it, transition, make the changes you need to make, then build your life on a solid foundation.

[Linde]

I was like several others here, I really did not know what was going on with me, society did not know either at that time.  i tried to live a life as a man, it worked out OK, until everything more or less exploded!  It destroyed my marriage and I lost almost everything I worked for all my life until that point.  I am now living s a happy woman, but if I think back, I missed out on a life as a happy woman!!  Dysphoria will never leave you alone, until you do something bout it and become the gender who you are supposed to be.  If you suppress it for long enough, it will destroy you!

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Soyunachica

I always "knew" and indeed told my grandmother I wished to be a girl aged 4 in 1959. Childhood knowledge is not a qualification however and one can come to realize one's trans status at any age. The most disappointing time was puberty at 14 onwards and I wished to remain a child. At 16 I hated my body. All my adult life I have bodyshaved and crossdressed. The feeling of misalignment of body to mind caused significant depression and it never went away. Transgender matters have only really been in the public domain here in UK since around 2005; before then it was hardly discussed and when it was, the reports were usually on ->-bleeped-<-s rather than transsexuals. Society had an anti-reaction to the entire transgender subject until the millennium and there remains many still opposed to us.

I buried and suppressed for decades essentially by immersing myself in work and I took early retirement to look after my mother in 2013 who sadly passed in 2015. I was bitterly disappointed at her death but a few months later, my problem became so dominant that I had no choice other than to take positive action. At the age of 62 I had therapy followed by HRT and these along with BHR (Body Hair Removal) have loosened but not removed my Gender Dysphoria. I am publicly transitioning in Summer aged 64.

So in answer to your questions:

1. The GD may be suppressed temporarily but it never goes away and each time it returns, it is usually at a higher rate.

2. I am glad I took action to start my transition aged 62 in 2017.

3. If I could have taken action to start my transition aged 22 in 1977, I most certainly would have.

4. Regrets? Yes and No. We do not have the facility to turn the clock back. It was virtually impossible to transition in the twentieth century - I know some did and I admire them greatly - my attitude was to try and live with it. I was only existing and never properly living. So I missed out on so many years. OTOH I am definitely now on the right track and I am beginning to enjoy the benefits of living female (mainly HRT/BHR) and am publicly transitioning shortly. I am enjoying the liberation and authenticity and shall have a damn good try at enjoying the remainder of my life!

Incidentally my mum died at 94; so if I can match that I have 30 years fulltime as a woman ahead of me!

Hugs

Pamela  xx

PS: The societal taboo against us is diminishing especially among the younger generation. We are gradually gaining acceptance; we are getting there!

[CynthiaAnn]

But for those of you significantly older than me or have stories, if you went on HRT like this in your early-mid 20s, are you happy with how things turned out years later and/or do you wish you could have been on it then and wish you were on it then?

Hi, we are all unique, my story does not apply to anyone else, I am stuck at work today, so this is a nice distraction typing here. I am 60 today, when I was your age (early 20's), I was already aware, I was "different", so much so I told my wife before we got married, figuring she needed to know the truth about me as best I knew then. I struggled with GD in my early life, it was always there, just did not have "diagnosis". I don't regret my decision to live with it as best I could, living behind this empty shell, it was a hollow existence. I am grateful for our 2 beautiful daughters today, they would probably not be here if I started HRT back then. I can tell you that by age 51 my situation was getting dire, my health declining, anxiety, trying to mask the pain of living what felt like an empty life, I drowned myself in alcohol (I was borderline alcoholic). I finally got wise to this and sought professional help back in 2010 (GT). I began a full transition slowly, and incrementally then, taking each step and evaluating my results, I kept journals and had regular visits with my therapist. Now in 2019 speaking in hindsight, this was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. For me transition has largely fixed dysphoria, the medical and social steps I took worked for me. I have mostly good days now, I am in the best physical and mental health of my adult life today...

Cynthia -

[soyunachica]

Wow, so it sounds like I'm not crazy then. And this leaves me with the only reservation really being fertility - which can be addressed with freezing clinics, costs allowing.

For a while I was planning on starting my life "normal" and "wholesome" and have kids, then hoping to find a chance of lower social costs to transitioning or maybe just secretly writing a chunk of my will to a transgender-related charity. But if I've thrown myself under the bus for the teenage years and nothing changed, I guess I should just go for it. I really don't like living as a male or being male physically. I can't explain why, no matter what, but I never really have. The girl in me wants out.

If I don't do HRT, I'll probably just be viewed as a super feminine male with a girly voice and an increasingly femme vibe. (side note: although my voice was close to begin with, I have pretty much achieved a passing female voice. this makes me feel great, one of the best feelings ever.)

In terms of a mental breakdown, that pretty much was how the close of 2018 was for me. I had a lot of other issues hitting me academically and professionally, and at the same time was experiencing the empowerment and authenticity that came with accepting, embracing, and celebrating the fact I have mild autism and live with a different mind. The "final frontier" of acceptance was getting closer, and it really upset how I viewed myself, some life plans, and social status. It all crashed, although I'm starting to recover a little. Mentally I'm better than I've been in quite a long time, and probably in my entire adult life so far.

There were crises when I was close to coming out, especially more in High School, but the episode last summer-fall had quite a vengeance to it. I've never voluntarily turned myself into counseling before.

Taking baby steps forward helps, but the steady growth of dysphoria still is growing. I feel at a loss for many moments

[D'Amalie]

I blame/credit the Interweb for learning enough to self diagnose.  I would have struggled thinking I was a pervert for the rest of my life had it not been for the availability of information.
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Thank you Susan!

-Richelle