New direction

[Maddie]

For the past 7 years, I built up a business that bought me a car, and took me around 40+ of the united states. My plan was to pay off the car, possibly find a place to relocate to, and have $ for electro now and procedures later.

For the past couple years, I have found it increasingly uncomfortable to continue presenting myself as a man at business.  Not because I look too feminine(I wish!!), but rather I am feeling rather insincere.  Many of my interactions are with women, and they see me as a guy, and I feel really isolated somehow. My biz was practically the only time I tied my hair severely  back and wore mens clothes.

A few weeks ago, I was smashed into by another driver, just as I was leaving the bank having made my final payment on the car.

Not using that accident as the entire reason, but it was a catalyst- I cancelled all my upcoming work and gotten off of the road for now. I'm ready for a break and a change.

I'm considering what my options will be for me to be employed as a female person. My business, as it stands will not work, but could be modified.  But I am seriously considering a complete departure from my old life.

School?, training? Just move somewhere and dive in and swim?

I don't know what I'm asking here...maybe wish me luck?

[CarlyMcx]

However you got here, you are here!

Having openly transitioned in Southern California, and living in the grey area of cute-but-not-quite-passable, I have had no problems other than being consistently misgendered in the third person by older men who knew me for a long time as a guy.

You won't have that problem having lived on the road for a long time.

Find a trans friendly city, look for a job you like, and go for it!

[Maddie]

Thank you CarlyMcx.

Luv your cute and passable photo;)

I was born in LA, but didn't grow up there. Recently made a couple trips to hollywood and the valley, recording music with people who live and work there.  I definitely did not stand out crossdressing and acting feminine in that area. 

Where I live now is a very small town in northern WI. My neighbors here know me as Maddie, and I publicly dressed a lot more feminine than the women do here, until I toned it back a bit, to fit in a little.

I was kind of a novelty, and it worked for a couple years, especially because I was gone on the road so much.

Starting to feel like my welcome is starting to wear out in these north woods.

Southern CA, or any "trans-friendly city" that I find when I Google these things, would be a huge jump in terms of cost of living.  Definitely things I am considering when I posted this thread!

Are there particular clinics or programs near you that have helped you in your transition that you would recommend?

[Rachel]

Hi Maddie,

Philadelphia has several medical locations where trans are very welcome. The Mazzoni Center treats thousands of trans people. I have not had a problem being trans and working in Philadelphia.

I had always wanted to move to SoCal but never took the plunge.

I wish you luck in your transition.

[Maddie]

Hi Maddie,

Philadelphia has several medical locations where trans are very welcome. The Mazzoni Center treats thousands of trans people. I have not had a problem being trans and working in Philadelphia.

I had always wanted to move to SoCal but never took the plunge.

I wish you luck in your transition.

thank you Rachel! I took a look at the calendar of events on the Mazzoni site.  Looks like a lifesaving hub of help!

[Maddie]

Helloooo.

Its been 3 years now since I was referral-lettered for HRT. Seemed like an important thing to do
Was seen at a clinic, got a prescription, but instead of starting, I've just kept in touch with the doctor..to keep the door open.
Last summer decided to go for it, but coudn't get back in and be seen until Sept 2019 for a new prescription.

You know what?
I'm grateful for waiting.
I'm doing something every day, even just a little. Trying to be myself in a good way. Keeping eyes ears and mind open if I can. Trying to learn.
The plain truth  I am terrified of things I do not understand.

[Maddie]

I have been a working music entertainer throughout my life.
My most recent full time gig was as a solo johnny cash show, on guitar and vocals for 7 years. Performed at many nursing home and retirement communities. Enjoyed playing for members of the generations before mine. But have been increasingly uncomfortable presenting myself in such a masculine way.  So I recently stopped.

At one point, I played bass in an old time n roll/bluesy band. Part-time, bordering on full time for 10 years. The drummer of that act was a mtf transsexual who transitioned in the late 1980s I believe.  We were the rhythm section together for approx 1000 shows. She's all stealth. We all knew, but she wasn't out in the open, and we all (the rest of the guys in the group) seemed to respect that. Her identity was never brought up or questioned the entire time with the group. Never once in front of me.
A couple years ago, after I had left the band, I called her up, asked if we could talk, and told her that I believed I was transgender, and that I had felt this way practically all my life.  She then came out to me for the first time, confirming what I already knew. 
It was awkward, the conversation pretty much ended there. I've tried to call her since, but she doesn't seem to want to talk, and seems especially disapproving when I try to speak in a more feminine way.

I had a close working relationship for a decade with a mtf transsexual, and  our friendship seems to have ended, possibly because I told her I was transgender.

She doesn't owe me anything.  I wouldn't do anything to disrespect her or out her. Maybe she thinks I would, maybe not.

Just saying. This is a thing and it's real.

[Maddie]

Most of the neighbors in the apt building where I live call me Maddie in my 3 1/2 years here.  There are a few others who  still refuse to acknowledge my hellos.
One female neighbor(I'll call her Bonnie) always called me "Miss Maddie", and addressed me as "she" and "her". I love her for that!

A couple of drunken guys have moved into the building in recent months, and despite an early altercation with one of them, they're ok. They even return hellos when I see them (or I can't avoid them, lol). But they keep calling me Matt, which isn't even my male name. I usually correct them nicely and leave it at that.

Now Bonnie has started calling me Matt.

Dang

[CynthiaAnn]

Hi Maddie, I'm Cynthia nice to meet you. I've read your story, and just chiming in with some random thoughts, with morning coffee. I can relate to your comment of feeling isolated when interacting with females as a guy, it was soo awkward for me, it does get way better after getting to the other side, that can be fixed ! Johnny Cash's tune "Boy named Sue", that song and the story it tells was very powerful when I was growing up (child of the 60's). Just curious if that song was in your set, and your thoughts on performing that song ? I am also musically inclined here, and want to congratulate you on earning a living as a performer ! I always had a day job myself, but loved to get out at night and gig when I could (I'm bassist / guitarist). There are always computers and jobs in that field, not sure if any of that interests you, but it's a good way to earn a living, and many companies provide heath insurance that covers transition costs / medical treatments. That's interesting your story about being in a band with MTF, I guess I can kinda get it if someone living "stealth" would want to distance themselves from others transitioning, sigh. When I transitioned within a working  cover band here in the Seattle area (we did corp parties, weddings, festivals), I had support from other band members, but the lead singer turned on me in the end, the working relationship got so toxic I had to leave, after that I found a new band as myself from the beginning and that was the best ! I would think your marketability might actually increase in some markets if you went at it as "yourself" Maddie IMHO, perhaps that's what you meant by "modifying your business" 

Best of luck getting back on HRT, finding an "informed consent" Dr might help ?

Cynthia -

[Maddie]

Hi Cynthia, nice to meet you!

Glad to hear that you found a new band, as yourself.  Too bad the singer had a problem with you in the other group. Lead singers can be such a pain, when they throw their weight around, in any case

Sure I did Boy Named Sue, its one of the more popular Cash tunes that get requested!
My take on the song is different, I don't feel it powerfully. I didn't grow up listening to Johnny Cash though.  Just started getting put up to singing his music after the movie I Walk the Line came out, because I strongly resembled Joaquin Phoenix, who portrayed J Cash in that film).  My bass playing served as a good foundation for switching to the rhythm guitar style. Mostly, I was glad to simply have a marketable act that buyers enjoyed! The show made people happy,  and that meant enough to me to keep it up for around 2000 shows. I was not a Johnny Cash fan, but some of the songs grew on me. It meant so much to be doing something of value to others, even though I was faking it in more than one way.(I never used backing tracks though!!)
I worked my way through the northwest last summer, and was surprised how many trans/crossdressing folks I noticed on the roads, in truckstops, and even in nursing facilities I played at in Washington state.
I can only imagine how many trans people I didn't notice!
An amazing ENT that fixed my vocal chords years ago is in Seattle, and is where i would go if I ever had trouble with them again.

I am working with my 3rd "gender" counselor now, (gone thru about 1 per year, this time around) and am wondering why I have not encountered the words "informed consent", except on this forum.  Clearly I continue to find the wrong professionals to help my transition!  Or else I wasn't listening. Trying to listen now!

[CynthiaAnn]

Thanks for your thoughts on performing Johnny Cash's music Maddie. I can see how you treated as a business making people happy, how cool ! That was best part of performing was the crowd and dancers feedback, seeing people be happy in large part because of the memories the music brings out. I can see how that gig doing Cash might get a little "dysphoric" to say the least. That song Boy named Sue sparked cross gender intrigue in me as a young person I guess, I was only like 10 when I first heard that song....

Informed consent model of prescribing hormones by Dr's that specialize in treating GD patients is nothing new. I went that direction back in 2011 with my Dr for HRT. All I had to do was sign this form acknowledging the risks and benefits, and I was given a prescription given my background health and well being, I had no other health factors that got in the way ! I also had a GD diagnosis from my therapist, that was key in the referral process....

Interesting to read your comments and coming here to our area, yeah it's pretty open here. I love living here, and seem to blend right in....

Have a wonderful day

Cynthia -

[Maddie]

2011? Then I have already signed an informed consent form a while back. Definitely had GD diagnosis and referral letter when I got my scrip in 2016.

Trying not to be so ignorant anymore!

[Maddie]

Real transition seems to be attainable by motivated, self-reliant, fearless individuals. And maybe some folks who by luck or fate find their resources and path.

Right now, I am not being any of these things.
I am like a scared baby wanting someone to carry them.

Clearing facial hair, dropping a little weight, finding a counselor that I feel right about, and getting started with HRT have been slow and elusive for me.

Looking ahead at others stories of surgeries, pain, and more surgeries is sending me spinning!!
Transsexuals experiences terrify and impress the heck out of me! How can I ever get there when I struggle at the stages I'm at?
Because of my issues, I buried my head in the sand for a long long time.  I was one of the last people (in my little world) I knew to get a computer and get online, because I was afraid of what I'd find. Even since I did, I have intentionally not had internet connection at times because it made me crazy.   I haven't had a TV, in many years and I can't stand most shows and books because of my issues related to gender and other bad memories. Forget politics, I don't agree with anybody, And sometimes there is a lot of politics mixed in when you search for info on transitioning.

When the media and internet and society started changing a little in regards to transsexuals and awareness of them, enough to penetrate my walls of protective ignorance, my reaction was "Are you kidding? This is okay...NOW??? Why not back "then"...?

There is so much info out there now, where at one time there was next to no information available, to most people, on these subjects. Yet I am finding myself unable to assimilate the abundant ocean of data now available.

Important for me to close this post with the following:
There are many many folks on this forum who are older than I and carried their set of problems longer than me and you.
And i am reminded every time I go to the cemetery (real, or the cemetery in my mind) of how many humans were not allowed the lifespan or opportunities we have.

Still I want someone to pick me up....waaah!!

[Maddie]

Glad to vent all that.

I am strong.

Full of gratitude.

I have survived a lot, and have made it this far!

Maybe I will break down and cry a thousand times. But I will carry myself as far as I can.
For I know what I am and this girl is going to own it

[pamelatransuk]

When the media and internet and society started changing a little in regards to transsexuals and awareness of them, enough to penetrate my walls of protective ignorance, my reaction was "Are you kidding? This is okay...NOW??? Why not back "then"...?

There is so much info out there now, where at one time there was next to no information available, to most people, on these subjects. Yet I am finding myself unable to assimilate the abundant ocean of data now available.

Important for me to close this post with the following:
There are many many folks on this forum who are older than I and carried their set of problems longer than me and you.
And i am reminded every time I go to the cemetery (real, or the cemetery in my mind) of how many humans were not allowed the lifespan or opportunities we have.

Still I want someone to pick me up....waaah!!

Hello Maddie

Yes. I agree wholeheartedly on these two points:

1. Before the internet became the norm to view (first of all I got it in work) and then got it at home and this resulted in me researching so many different subjects from news to history to politics to the transgender subject such that I couldn't live without it. Before the internet it was hardly discussed and I thought I was virtually alone - certainly a very tiny minority would think and feel the way I did. The media also started to give us more publicity (both good and bad). So thanks to the internet and other media, the transgender subject became more in the public domain here in the UK around 2005. Hence Yes it is OK now; if only it could have been so earlier. I was born in 1955 and wish the 1970s could have been like the 2000s!

2. Yes I think of those of previous generations who are now passed and had to hide for the whole of their lives and just "live with it" and I feel so sorry for them. Furthermore I think there are still so many in hiding and will remain so until the "social taboo" now gradually diminishing, is eradicated at which time as transgender people we will attain complete acceptance. I suspect for the next 10 or 20 years our numbers will rapidly increase as more of us become public and visible.

I am 14 months HRT and live female in my house and sometimes outside. However I am going fulltime public after moving house in Summer.

I wish you happiness and success on your journey.

Hugs

Pamela

[Maddie]

Update from appt with counselor this week:
They suggest I contact clinic and try to move up my appt for HRT.
Its set up for September, but counselor seems to think they can get me started sooner.

This isn't my first time around with this.
Mind is still dancing around, back and forth, regarding irreversible effects of HRT.

I know that I definitely have a woman inside me.  But I'm not always sure that "she" is alone in here!

[CynthiaAnn]

may you get the answers sooner rather than later Maddie, sounds like progress....

C -

[Maddie]

I am 14 months HRT and live female in my house and sometimes outside. However I am going fulltime public after moving house in Summer.

I wish you happiness and success on your journey.

Hugs

Pamela

Thank you Pamela. I wish you successful happiness as you prepare to move house and become fulltime public in your life!

[Maddie]

may you get the answers sooner rather than later Maddie, sounds like progress....

C -

Thanks,  I like that sound 

[Battle Goddess]

Update from appt with counselor this week:
They suggest I contact clinic and try to move up my appt for HRT.
Its set up for September, but counselor seems to think they can get me started sooner.

This isn't my first time around with this.
Mind is still dancing around, back and forth, regarding irreversible effects of HRT.

I know that I definitely have a woman inside me.  But I'm not always sure that "she" is alone in here!

I'll tell you, Maddie, it's the darndest thing. Sometimes you shouldn't be careful what you wish for.

You may just find you were ready for it all along.