I'm mostly a closeted woman, afraid to present in public for fear of rejection and ridicule. Previously to today, I've only been Laura outside twice: once three years ago at a TG support meeting in the evening where few members of the public were present when I parked my car; and last fall when I went to a late movie with a friend, again when few people were around.
Today was different though. My Kaiser NorCal Senior Advantage policy affords me not only HRT, but now includes a variety of other services including voice therapy, FFS, and GCS. Today was my second appointment for voice therapy in Oakland, about a two hour, commute laden drive from my home. I chose today as my first, daylight public presentation mainly because I knew it would be a safe space for me. Even though I was quite worried about stares from others, I recognized that I have to push myself to expand my boundaries.
So, I dressed in something casual, nothing too showy, and applied light makeup. I know the key to passing (and I recognize that I'm not passable) is to blend into the crowd. Having arrived at the medical facility, which is 1/2 medical offices and half hospital, I walked the gauntlet between the parking garage and the first floor elevators, waiting patiently with others for the elevator to arrive, for us to enter, and for me to make the journey up to the fourth floor.
Once there, with a smaller group of patients, I was relieved with the respect paid by the counter staff and my voice therapist when she called for me later. I even surprised myself by using the women's bathroom, where I encountered other women. Was I scared? Damn right. Did I survive? Absolutely.
this was an important step for me, one we all have to make on our journey. It's only a single step and I have far to go before I'd feel comfortable "coming out", but every step counts.
Oh, and I'm really pleased with the voice therapy guidance at Kaiser.
Laura
Me, waiting for my appointment.
