A Quaint Treatise of Brooke Renée

[D'Amalie]

Transsexual may have lost favor, but it is useful as a term because it describes something specific in contrast "transgender" which basically means gender norms don't fit me without saying how or why.

Agreed!  Transgender to me is a stereotypical classification of gender.  I'm just more female than male.  Pretty Zen really.  Its only more likely that I'm here now, since what my eye sees only what is already past.

[Brooke Renee]

Gulp..  changed my avatar to me.  Yes, slightly enhanced but mostly me.  I did this for a while this morning but I chickened out (no disrespect intended to any of our poultry members).  Anyway..  here I am. 


Hugs,

Brooke

[REM.1126]

Gulp..  changed my avatar to me.  Yes, slightly enhanced but mostly me.  I did this for a while this morning but I chickened out (no disrespect intended to any of our poultry members).  Anyway..  here I am. 


Hugs,

Brooke

Isn't that the same face we've been seeing?

[Brooke Renee]

Isn't that the same face we've been seeing?

Good Morning  @REM.1126 ,

It is.  I took a break from Susan's for a while, had to work out some thoughts and feelings.  When I came back I was not in the headspace to put my image up.  I guess I lost my nerve, I don't know, emotions are complicated.  Fear does some weird stuff to a person.  I played with the image to make myself feel more comfortable being seen but not recognizable.  All just a game to alleviate my anxiety. 

So yes, in essence the same picture but with some edits.  And for whatever reason, the same level of anxiety posting it as I had the first time. It's all a head game that I struggle with Rachel, sometimes I win, most times not.  I'm hoping this blog helps me to talk through and take out the mental garbage so that posting a silly picture is not such a big deal. 

Warmly,

Brooke

[REM.1126]

My avatar is a filter of me.  I do that because I don't want someone or some software to recognize the person in the closet and make it public.  I don't want my closeted self to be outted by my negligence.  FaceApp is one point of vulnerability.  My VPN is another.  And, then there are the descriptions of my life that, when taken as a whole, might out me.  But, that would require a lot of work, or an AI.

[D'Amalie]

My avatar is a filter of me.  I do that because I don't want someone or some software to recognize the person in the closet and make it public.  I don't want my closeted self to be outted by my negligence.  FaceApp is one point of vulnerability.  My VPN is another.  And, then there are the descriptions of my life that, when taken as a whole, might out me.  But, that would require a lot of work, or an AI.

Concurr with all you said.  I'm not really closeted, but its no ones business but my own and those few that know and care.  I'm too paranoid to trust the majority of the world I live in.  I suppose someone could put 3 and 3 together and come up with the right answer.  But they'd have to be a better detective than I.

Reminding me of the "pervert" blackmailing scam my wife got yesterday.  Very poor attempt at a shot in the dark at ransomware.  Luckily we are savvy to this IT nonsense, and really wouldn't be damaged by anything they can find.  Descriptions of my life are dificult to cull and compile, could be done.  Yet we aren't too worried, but strange things happen.

[D'Amalie]

I wonder what facial recognition software would do with my face?  It's me all right.  But I wonder what a web presence I have in that regard?

[Brooke Renee]

Chapter 10. 

When you push a boulder over the mountainside it is going to increase in speed.  I suppose I was the boulder and my recent epiphany was the push.  For me this pertained to some changes in presentation but mostly in how I saw myself and what I was now willing to accept about myself. 

I think some folks refer to what I went through as "my egg cracking".  Kind of a charming analogy. 

Anyway, all of those years of denial and compartmentalization had narrowed my field of view so much that I could only see a small facet of my true identity.  Honestly, for many years that was all I was capable of handling.  Anything else was just took much to take in.  However, over a very short amount of time those blinders came off and I could see everything, I was no longer viewing the Grand Canyon through a paper towel tube. 

Again, the egg cracking analogy is cute but I referred to this as when I came out to myself. 

Suddenly I was allowing myself to notice and experience all manner of things.  For instance, prior to all this I would have never given much thought pronouns.  Now I would hear every one of them spoken.  I now began looking at hair options and what make-up could do for me, and clothing too.  Everything. 

Allowing myself to experience these things also amplified the episodes of Gender Dysphoria and the desire to find the elusive Gender Euphoria.  I guess once you get a taste of feeling your true self you want that flavor all the time.  To find answers and peace I read everything about the trans experience and how to cope with GD.  Pretty much everything I read stated the same thing. 

The only true treatment for GD is to try and live your gender identity to the greatest extend possible.

I think this is where CIS people might get the wrong impressions of trans folk.  They just see a trans person presenting as their identity and they tend to think the trans experience mostly revolves around clothing or makeup.  For me this could not be further from the truth.  My identity is binary female regardless if I am wearing a potato sack or a prom dress.  Clothing, makeup, shoes.. those are all just artifacts of the female experience, their existence is very important in alleviating my Gender Dysphoria but they do not determine my identity.

It is also kind of circular too.  Perfecting my presentation (as much as I could) did allow me the most wonderful moments where I would look in the mirror and see the person that I actually am.  I call these my "there she is" moments.  These are so affirming and so powerful.  They smash through the worst of the GD, clear the fog, and bring immediate peace.  Ha!  So maybe it is all about the presentation!  Seriously though, the river of identity flows from the inside-out with the occasional eddy of outside-in. 

It was these types of mental gymnastics that compelled me to seek some form of therapy.  I would have never considered this before but now was different and I needed some professional input.  And oh my goodness what a journey finding a decent therapist is!  Just getting an appointment is a challenge but you will also quickly learn that not all therapists are created equal. 

My first therapist was amazing but as it turned out, she was not in my network. My second was in my networked but she was absolutely clueless to the trans experience even though she claimed she was well versed.  She once suggested that I try presenting as a woman one day a week at work to see how it went.  If it didn't feel right I could just go back.  What?  Yeah, I did not schedule a follow-up session. 

Eventually I found the therapist I have now and I am very happy.  None of them really tell you how to feel, they just facilitate self discovery for you to figure that out on your own.  That said, some are clearly better than others.  My suggestion is to treat a new therapist like a new Netflix series.  You know, give it three episodes to see if you like it and then decide what to do. 

Finally, it was during this period of self discovery that I made an appointment with a Doctor that specializes in the transgender care.  I was so nervous going to that first appointment, fortunately for me my Doctor is also a transgender woman so she kind of knows the ropes.  We talked about all manner of things, she asked her questions, I gave my answers and in the end I left after a hug with my first round of HRT meds. 

[Brooke Renee]

Chapter 11

So this is the HRT chapter, there's a lot of emotions and changes to discuss and I've been trying to think of how to word it all and not just be explosion of random thoughts.  Maybe dividing it all up into medical, emotional, and physical categories.  Sure, let's give that a try. 

As I mentioned in my previous chapter I am lucky to have a transgender woman as my transgender doctor, that sure makes conversations easier.  In my little brain, trying to explain this to someone who only on occasion deals with these issues seems awkward.  Even more so if that Doctor is male (eek).  But that is just me and I would guess that there are many affirming caregivers (of all genders) that are excellent at addressing our unique situation. 

Anyway, my appointment started with the usual physical exam followed by a discussion of medical history.  She was very thorough and took her time to fully asses my health.  After the physical she began asking me a comprehensive list of questions regarding my gender identity, my history of having feelings of incongruity.  Her questions closely mirrored the DSM-5 definitions of Gender Dysphoria. 

Once she was satisfied that enough evidence existed she shifted the conversation to the transgender experience, support groups, etc.  She wanted to know about my family situation, friend groups, my work environment.  In short, she needed to know I was safe, she needed me to understand my options. The conversation eventually shifted to HRT and how it can help alleviate the darkness of Gender Dysphoria.  She also discussed the risks and the pace of physical changes.  She made it very clear that most physical changes are slow and she identified those that are reversible and those that are not. 

In the end we decided that I would start on a low(ish) dose of Spiro (50mg) and a low dose of Estradiol (2mg).  Being she functions on the Informed Consent model I was not require to get a letter from a therapist.  And as an added bonus, her office also dispenses some medications, HRT being one of them.  It could not have been easier for me, I was truly blessed in finding my Doctor, she is amazing.  So after about an hour and half of chatting I left with my meds in hand. 

You will never forget when you take that first dose.  For me, my entire life and angst regarding my gender identity was flashing before my eyes.  I was about to take a huge step in acknowledging myself, my identity, and my right to do something about it.  Up until this point, it was all just mental anguish but now I was going to do something to brighten the darkness.  So yes, I sat in my car staring at the pills in my hand, heart racing and tears flowing.  Following her directions to the letter, I swallowed the Spiro and placed the Estradiol under my tongue to dissolve slowly. I savored this dose of Estradiol like it was the rarest confection made.  I smiled, I cried, it was a way more intense moment than I had thought it was going to be. 

In the days and weeks that followed the HRT began to work its magic on my emotional stability.  Just taking the meds is incredibly affirming, the act's effect on my state of mind was (and still is) incredible.  I mean, I am doing something affirming not just dreaming of doing something affirming.  Actions speak loudly and my emotions were listening. 

In the weeks that followed my hormonal chemistry began to shift and more positive results began to make themselves known.  I began to feel even more at peace.  I was less reactive, less angry.  I had less anxiety and in general, my moods were brighter.  My family noticed my changes and were relieved that the angry person that I had become was now replaced by a way more communicative and loving person.  The HRT did offer some positive impacts on the episodes of Gender Dysphoria.  I cannot say of these impacts were medical or physiological but either way, I felt better so I guess the mechanism doesn't really matter. 

The first physical changes were breast tenderness and OMG is that a thing!  Prepare yourself, this can be painful, especially of you errantly brush up against something.  Wow.  This was also nerve wracking for me because I am not in a situation where I will be transitioning publicly.  My imagination compelled me to think that tenderness indicated growth so I became rather nervous that I was going to wake up with some double Ds.  That of course didn't happen at all but fear did cause me to lessen my dosages on a few occasions. 

They say the other changes are finer body hair (eventually experienced), changes in body odor (yes), redistribution of fat such as hips (not yet!), slowing of male pattern baldness (maybe), and softening of skin and smaller pores (definitely!). 

Now that I have been on HRT for over 3 years I can say that I have achieved some breast growth on my low doses.  My growth is not much more than what I would call MSMBs (moderately sized man boobs) but I know what they are from and they make me very happy.  If you are on a full transition dosage the physical changes will likely be greater but they may not occur any faster.  Of course a lot this depend on the age you begin HRT and your own personal body chemistry.  Like everyone on this site says, "your milage may vary". 

With the HRT hurdle out of the way my next challenge was hair which would present its own series of comedic moments, episodes of anxiety, and eventually exquisite moments of gender euphoria. 

[Maid Marion]

Agreed!  Transgender to me is a stereotypical classification of gender.  I'm just more female than male.  Pretty Zen really.  Its only more likely that I'm here now, since what my eye sees only what is already past.

So often in the past I'd identify as male, interact with someone, and then have them gender me as female.  Most often in telephone conversations, but also in person as well!

[Brooke Renee]

Good Morning all, I hope you had a great week.  I've been mulling over this next chapter trying to figure out how to put some complex emotions into words.  Hopefully this will be somewhat coherent but I apologize in advance if turns into just an explosion of thoughts. 

Chapter 12

Since starting this blog I have been able to see so many of the little arrows life has tossed my way pointing towards self discovery and eventually acceptance.  It all happens kind of slow and sadly, none of those arrows were giant flashing billboards screaming "you are transgender, you now need to do the following things to be happy immediately!" 

Probably if I did see such a billboard next to my road of life I would have seen it as too extreme for me and I would think the message was clearly meant for someone else.  In any case, the little markers or arrows or breadcrumbs were way more nuanced but make no mistake they were there.

Looking back, my first such markers were mirrors and photographs.  Throughout my life I have avoided photographs, same with mirrors.  For many years I did not put together why, I just avoided them.  As a child when I would see a photograph of myself it would make me upset.  I didn't understand why at the time, it just did.  As I aged mirrors did the same thing.  It wouldn't be crippling mind you, just a little zing of angst each morning when I would be getting ready for the day. 

As I got older what I now know as gender dysphoria began to grow and become a familiar feeling.  However, even though these feelings of unease were growing I still had not added everything up as to why.  Truthfully, I had the answers, they were all right in front of me they were just occluded by denial.

Simple two plus two right?  You desire to feminine, you eschew mirrors and photos because they remind you that  you were born in the wrong body.  Period, end of discussion, answer found.  Yeah... so fear, denial, compartmentalization never allowed me to arrive at that answer. 

My two plus two never equaled four, it equaled tennis racket or box turtle or some other unrelated and ridiculous sum.  Fortunately reality did break through my willful ignorance and I was able to accept the why. 

This grand epiphany did not occur until later in life.  Sadly, not until the poisoning of testosterone had done its damage on my hairline.  To make matters worse, the timing of this self discovery was oddly enough the same time as when my gender dysphoria gained some solid traction.  Yes, I am sure these events are related.  I see that now, so let's keep moving please. 

Anyway.  As trans women we are faced with many a hurdle, hair is often a big one.  They say some medications will help such as Finasteride, or topicals such as Rogain.  None of those moved the needle for me.  Then there's implants which are very expensive and may not be permanent. 

What I needed was a quick fix, at a reasonable price to at least have a glimpse of my true identity. That pretty much left me with two options.  Remount my mirror lower on the wall so I only see myself from the neck down or buy a wig.  While I did give the mirror option some solid consideration I did eventually decide that was just silly. 

So off to the wilds of the internet I went in search of self esteem and maybe a touch of glamour. 

Talk about being blinded with options!  OMG, where to begin?  I browsed what seemed like a zillion styles and colors, I looked at the full spectrum of price points.  The more I looked the deeper the rabbit hole went. 

Eventually I backed away from the online retailers and sought refuge in trans specific guides that did provide some solid direction if one was seeking a natural look (read passing).  Notions like "age appropriate", "similar color to your existing hair", etc.  This all seemed like some pretty airtight advice so back to the retailers I went. 

Back and forth I went, more knowledge - more browsing- rinse and repeat.  I would add a wig to my cart, then chicken out and remove it.  Finally I decided I needed to make a move. So I made my purchase, I did it!  The wig (on the model) looked amazing.  It checked every box.  It was age appropriate, it color matched my eyebrows, the wig was feminine and sophisticated.  I was going to look amazing! 

Bring on the mirrors and photographs I will no longer fear thee!

About a week later the wig had arrived and I opened the box in rapt enthusiasm.

I did look nice in box, it was pretty and appeared to be the exact item I had seen online.  But somehow that all got lost in three feet between the box and my head.  My moment of greatness crashed and burned, perched atop my melon I (at best) looked like Olympia Dukakis.  No disrespect to Ms. Dukakis but this was not the direction I was going for.  I was crestfallen, now what?  Put Olympia back in the box and head back to the internet.

The answer was always there, I just was not brave enough to act on it.  I needed to seek out a trans friendly hair replacement salon and go (in-person) and have a proper fitting and styling session.  This I would mean I will be outing myself for the first time but it is the only way I am going to find the right look.  To my delight such a salon exists in Seattle and after about a week of anxiety I had built up the courage to make an appointment. 

When the day arrived I was buzzing with nervous anticipation.  So many emotions, so much to take in.  But by this time the GD had become untenable, the darkness demanded action.  My resolve would not waver. 

As it turned out I had booked a private session with a verified angel.  She was absolutely amazing, she put me at ease, she was warm and welcoming, and she had a lot of experience with helping members of the trans community.  We chatted about styles, what might look good, what might not.  It was such an affirming experience.  Then we began trying styles and colors, her focus was just have fun and we would eventually find my look. 

About three or four wigs in it happened.  OMG, I saw myself for the first time.  I knew it, she knew it.  There were smiles and tears.  Just for kicks we tried on a few more but the choice was made.  About 45 minuets of chatting and hugs later I left the salon with a clear vision of my identity.  Arriving at home it was time for the true test, would it look as good after the endorphins of the moment had worn off or would I be adding cognitive dissonance to my gender dysphoria? 

To my glee, the cosmos had smiled upon me.  At home, as in the salon, the wig was perfect.  I had found myself, I could now see the true me.  Looking in the mirror there was no longer a sad and depressed man staring back.  Instead, the reflection was a happy and confident woman. 

The reflection was Brooke, she was smiling, and she would no longer fear her reflection.   

[Brooke Renee]

Good Morning Ladies. 

No chapter today, just me taking out some mental garbage. 

I've had some highs the past week or so and some lows as my symptoms of gender dysphoria have gone through their cycles.

It's funny(ish) I frequently have this need to validate the authenticity of my identity, find ways to erase self doubt or maybe illuminate that it has all just been a mental misunderstanding.  Perhaps in a way I want to find a way out of this bizarre condition.  For instance, suddenly discover that I have a vitamin C deficiency and that's why I want to be a woman. 

Of course that is just silly but seemingly impossible situations produce some ridiculous answers. At least they do in the bewildering mind of Brooke, it's truly a puzzling place. 

Anyway.  I will be humming along, GD will be little more than a very distant whisper and I will begin to have some self doubts.  While the stresses of gender dysphoria are nauseating, they have always been a very reliable compass.  Moments where it goes silent can be confusing, I will just feel numb.  For me, these moments are generally short lived and I will get triggered, the tsunami of GD returns with a fury and I will again know who I am. 

However, during that period of numbness, I will feel compelled to re-diagnose myself.  I cannot tell you how many times I have read the clinical markers of GD.  I know I check every box, I know it.  But during these safaris into the "in-between" this re-affirmation is a practice I seem to be doomed to repeat. 

So, I am going to write all of this down in my blog in hopes of ending this Groundhog Day once a for all.  Here goes.. 

The DSM-5-TR defines gender dysphoria in adolescents and adults as a marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender and their assigned gender, lasting at least 6 months, as manifested by at least two of the following: 6 months? try 48 years

A marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics)
I have an overwhelming desire to feel and express femininity

A strong desire to be rid of one's primary and/or secondary sex characteristics because of a marked incongruence with one's experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics)
Yes, this is a dream for me.

A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender
Goes hand in hand with above.  Sometimes I muse if Ikea makes a home GCS kit and what it would be called but I digress

A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender)
Pretty sure that since I checked the first three boxes I have, by default, checked the crap out of this one.

A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender)
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes times eleventy

A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender)
See previous answer, ditto.

And yes, all of these symptoms have caused significant distress. 

Ok, there. Done.  No more of this nonsense.  I am who I am.

"So shall it be written, so shall it be done". said some dude in a toga. 

So with that rubbish taken out to the curb I resolve to find a new compass.  Sure GD is super reliable but I am tired of being in a place where I must count on emotional distress to re-affirm my identity.  This has become exhausting.  I need to find ways to feel Gender Euphoria on a more frequent basis.  Let something positive lead the way rather than being pushed by the darkness of dysphoria.

To this end, I took a giant leap this past week and I told my boss I was trans.  She has always been very supportive of me and I knew this would go well and it did.  I wasn't asking for any workplace changes, I just wanted a person at work to know the real me. Finally have someone that I could interact with where I could be seen.  Wow, I underestimated how calming and affirming this would be.  Being seen and accepted as your true identity, what a novel idea. 

Gender Euphoria is indeed a shinier compass, one that I will endeavor to use way more often. 


Warm Regards,

Brooke


PS:  Look for the könsbekräftelseoperation on an Ikea shelf near you. 

[Northern Star Girl]

@Brooke Renee
Dear Brooke:

Good morning to you too....    here, on Sunday morning it is 6:45am and a cool 2 degrees(f)
I am getting my coffee and getting ready to go to church.

   Wow-whee.... I loved reading your good report that you just posted this morning.   

"To this end, I took a giant leap this past week and I told my boss I was trans.  She has always been very supportive of me and I knew this would go well and it did.  I wasn't asking for any workplace changes, I just wanted a person at work to know the real me. Finally have someone that I could interact with where I could be seen.  Wow, I underestimated how calming and affirming this would be.  Being seen and accepted as your true identity, what a novel idea." 

I will be eagerly looking for more of your postings and updates here on your Blog thread and elsewhere around the Forum.

HUGS, Danielle

[Brooke Renee]

@Brooke Renee
Dear Brooke:

Good morning to you too....    here, on Sunday morning it is 6:45am and a cool 2 degrees(f)
I am getting my coffee and getting ready to go to church.

   Wow-whee.... I loved reading your good report that you just posted this morning.   

I will be eagerly looking for more of your postings and updates here on your Blog thread and elsewhere around the Forum.

HUGS, Danielle

Thank you Danielle!  It's nice when light finally turns on. 

I hope you have a wonderful day and stay warm up there!


Hugs,

Brooke

[Gina P]

It was nice to hear that you had confided your secrete to your boss. As you express more and more it will feel wonderful, fraught with the occasional wth am I doing? The wth moments get fewer and fewer. Stay on the right trail.
Hugs Gina

[Brooke Renee]

Chapter 13


Hold on, back up..  Yeah, I guess my last chapter did end with me using my name and perhaps now is a good time to chat about how the name Brooke Renée came to be. 

Finding my name was kind of my capstone on the journey of self awareness.  For many years I never allowed myself to see me as the woman within.  My reasoning was pretty simple, it was just one more facet of my denial.  Up until just a few years ago I lived comfortably in my little box.  My desires were nothing more than a hobby.  If I was too scared to acknowledge my identity I sure was not going to give that identity a name. 

This changed when all of those walls came crashing down.  I was starting to browse some of the forums such as Susan's and it occurred to me that I needed a screen name.  That notion really stopped me in my tracks.  Holy smokes, this is a super important decision.  Not many of us get to choose our name, this is a big deal.

But, because my walls of denial had just recently failed my identity was chugging all things feminine.  I remember talking to another trans woman regarding this and she assured me that I was normal.  She said that once you come to grips with your reality you are going to experience all of the emotions that you have held back for many, many years. 

Wow, was she spot on.  It seemed like overnight the list of GD triggers expanded exponentially.  While this was uncomfortable it was the real.  What I mean is, for literally decades I had been living a lie but now I was finally being honest with myself. 

So many trans women talk about how they went "a tad" overboard when they had a similar moment of self recognition.  It's like you suddenly explode in this giant pink mushroom cloud that envelops everything in its path.  One of my friends recall redecorating her bedroom in all pastels, others like myself turned to some serious online shopping where our choices were a bit intense.

And.. this pink explosion definitely shaped my early name musings.  I was now running away from anything that sounded even remotely masculine or gender neutral.  I scored baby name websites for hours to find a first and middle name that matched my identity.  Some of my early leanings were clearly ridiculous as they were hyper feminine.

But that is kind of how the transition goes for a lot of ladies in my shoes.  Fortunately I had the sense to just chill out and let the swinging pendulum find something a bit more in the middle.  I'm not going to divulge some of the early choices but trust me, there were some dandies. 

A few weeks later I was in a better headspace to take serious swing at this task.  For me, my named needed to represent who I am, what is important to me, what my energy is.  I have always been drawn to the mountains, I love all the little streams and wild flowers.  Closing my eyes and visualizing my happy places the name Brooke emerged pretty fast. 

Once I had that name at the front of my thoughts I needed to vet it against a lifetime of interpersonal relationships.  That's really just a pleasant way of saying "has anyone named Brooke pissed me off at any time in my life?"  Nope, I have known a few Brookes, and they all were nice. Okay, I got past that first hurdle.  Next was does the name Brooke seem feminine enough without being over the top?  Yep, that works too.  The more I said my name the more it just seemed to fit.  Choosing a middle name proved to be a tad more difficult but I eventually arrived at Renée which was a way to honor my mom's choice had I been born female. 

It was also at this time that I began to take notice of pronouns.  Oh wow, hearing She or Her in the context of Brooke was (and still is) incredibly affirming.  Up until this point I honestly felt that the pronoun movement was actually kind of silly.  But once I heard my name used in a sentence with my correct pronouns my position flipped immediately.  Sometimes I will craft a paragraph in my mind where I can use my name plus She and Her, perhaps a juvenile exercise but it does make me feel affirmed and it has become a nice little tool to fend off GD. 

"Did Brooke order that new dress that she has been talking about?  Yes, she did and it arrived at her house today.  Brooke said it fit her perfectly, she is super excited".

It's now be several years since I chose my name and hearing it spoken still gets me.  Yesterday I was showing my wife a dress that I thought was pretty and she immediately quipped "get it, that is soooo Brooke!"  I'm still glowing from that moment.  Happiness.

[Brooke Renee]

Good Morning Ladies,

Spent the night tossing and turning, mind seemingly unable to turn off.  I just couldn't stop thinking about what should have been.  You know, the pointless mind garbage of "why me"?  Why in the heck was I born with all of these feminine feelings crammed into a male meat suit. 

I guess just a plain old GD attack.  But this seemed particularly insidious and focused on all the missed opportunities from growing up in the wrong body.  I guess it's silly, but for some reason missed events such as girl's day shopping trips with my mom or attending parties and events as a girl.  Activities centric to little girls versus little boys.  Going to the mall and buying makeup for the first time.  Or the big one- bodily changes during adolescence that are in alignment with my identity.

Just all of the gendered activities and development that mark the milestones of a girl becoming a woman.

But no, I was forced to do all of this boy stuff that at best, I was totally apathetic about.  And at worst, I absolutely loathed. 

I suppose it is no surprise that I now run (screaming) away from anything remotely masculine and towards anything that is solidly binary feminine.  Yes, labels such as masculine and feminine are subjective and are very much a moving target.  And yes, they are frequently used to place folks needlessly into pointless boxes.   But, you know what I am trying to say.  If door number one led to blue jeans and baseball hats and door number two led to cute shoes and pretty dresses, I will always walk into the second choice.     

Seems like I heard this version of darkness termed "existential gender dysphoria".  Great, that is delightfully clinical.  Whatever it's called, I just know I woke up struggling.  I keep thinking about what it would be like to be openly feminine every day, in every way without hesitation.  To be seen by the world as the woman I am.  To be accepted, without second glance, as the woman I am.  Just another female living her life as another female.  Nothing to see here, move along. 

Anyway gender dysphoria totally blows.  It will pass, it usually does. Thanks for letting me vent.   

[Jessica_Rose]

Brooke, you are not alone. I think we've all been there. Instead of lamenting the past, use your energy to work towards a better future. It isn't easy, but for many of us, it's worth any price to finally shed our old skin and become the beautiful person we've always known ourselves to be.

Venting is healthy, please feel free to do so whenever the need arises.

Love always -- Jess

[Brooke Renee]

Chapter 14

This last Thursday I had my reoccurring therapist session which have become treasured moments.  They are video calls which makes the commute a snap (or a click..) plus I get to deliver the full Brooke experience without the anxiety of being stared at by a transphobic passerby.  But more on that later. 

Some of you may recall that I awoke Thursday morning with a particularly gnarly episode of gender dysphoria.  My moods became very dark and I am still bruised as I write this today.  Fortunately my therapist session was that afternoon which provided me the opportunity to talk my way through the event but also an epiphany. 

Some context.  My current living situation is complicated but amicable, my wife is well aware of Brooke but like many wives, she is not interesting in being married to a woman.  While the darkness of GD is exhausting, the thought of losing my wife is even more distressing.  So I have made a choice to not fully transition, instead I take my low dose of HRT and have my Brooke moments to feel whole. 

Not only does my wife support this arrangement, she is adamant that I take my HRT and she actively encourages me to have my Brooke time which is heartwarming.  Is this the perfect arrangement?  I guess that depends on if I am in the middle of a GD episode, if that's the case, then it is barely tolerable.  However, if the GD is in remission, then mine is a fairly cheerful existence. The problem, which has nothing to do with my wife, is I become very task focused on helping others, taking care of work concerns, and everything else about day-to-day life that I rarely grant myself time to take of my needs.  This always leads to some disastrous mental consequences. 

It's embarrassing to admit just how many times I have unearthed this little nugget of wisdom. 

Anyway, back to last Thursday.  Woke up, felt super yucky, went to work in a foul mood.  Got home that afternoon, still under a cloud of darkness.  Wanted to cry.  Actually cried.  Shook fist at sky.  Was generally a very unhappy person. 

Then I started getting ready for my therapist video call. 

I opened my closet, starting browsing my choices.  Would I wear a dress today, or a skirt and top?  How about those cute shorts?  Oh, I like the shorts, those would go great with that colorful chambray shirt over a white satin cami.  Then it was time for hair and makeup.  As I savored each step in getting ready I could feel the darkness clear, my mind quiet.  With the final touches on my lipstick I was again blessed with a dose of the most powerful GD treatment, seeing my true self. 

Ahhhhhhhhh, there she is, I smile at the sky, and I'm now a generally very happy woman.

Is it an epiphany if it is reoccurring?  Probably not. Is it even an epiphany if someone else has to explain it to you?  Also probably not.   

In any case, I spoke about this during my session and I'm sure my therapist desperately wanted to roll her eyes.  Instead, she compassionately drove the point home.  To paraphrase, "Brooke, you are Brooke.  You are a woman.  If you don't seize moments to take care of your needs the GD will overtake you.  There is only one treatment for GD and that is transition." 

All this time I have been very reactive in my approach to gender dysphoria.  I now realize (yes, re-realize) that is a horrible way to live and one that is doomed to fail.  If I give myself the time to be me at the front end, the GD episodes will be significantly less intense and perhaps even shorter lived. 

Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes.  I know this is a classic "No Duh Brooke" moment.  I know that okay.  At the most basic level, having my Brooke times are directly analogous to any other form of preventive health care.  Hopefully, openly admitting how thick I have been on this issue will help drive that point home to myself.

So here I am, once again focused on what I need to be the best me.  Maybe this time the lesson will take.

Crossing fingers and off to place a MAC order for some new primer and maybe a lipstick. 


Thank you for listening. 


Hugs,

Brooke
 





     

[REM.1126]

Why is transitioning the only treatment?  I need something else, because I can't do that. 

Yes, I understand how dark GD can make a day (week, month, etc.). I am glad that I am not having a hard time right now.  Right now, I am able to focus on others.  So, that is a good thing. 

There should be something that can help extend the mild times, and shorten the dark times.