One New Life to Live

[LauraE]

September 23, 2022

This is an exciting time. On sunday, my mixed doubles partner and i will play in the semi-finals of the season ending tournament, after surviving a three-hour grinder last weekend. However, this league has been just a respite from the rejection i've faced at my tennis club. As i shared last time, i've surrendered and decided to join another club in hopes of fitting in there. This is the story about you don't always get what you hope for.

No Escape
Today I drove an hour north to the city i had nearly moved to two years ago to begin my life as Laura. it's a medium sized, liberal city with a fairly large tennis club holding 20 tennis courts compared to the 11 at my old club. it's an impressive complex with most of the same facilities you'd see at clubs, just nicer. Given that the club is larger and has more tennis events, my hope is that once i've been around a few months, i can find a group of people to play with and find a team to belong to, all while being Laura in an environment where no one knows who i used to be.

Oh, how wrong i was.

After going through the formalities of signing up for membership, i grabbed my tennis gear and my basket of tennis balls to practice my serve. I first made my way onto shaded area that oversees the teaching courts. In progress were two group lessons, one led by Mark, the club pro, who also used to be the pro at my old club. I'm hoping he can provide some guidance during my stay here. Our eyes briefly met and and we waved to each other. He never met Laura until today, but despite having FFS and three years of HRT, the resemblance to <deadname> is easy when you used to know <deadname>.

I moved a few courts over to the court i'd reserved and set up for practice. As i was looking around, i noticed a woman (and she noticed me) who looked like someone from my old club. I was a bit puzzled what she was doing playing here, since she's on the ladies interclub team at my old club. Later i discovered she's also on the ladies team at this new club. Now, the surprise is that she's one of my bullies, someone who <deadnamed> me during the last social at my old club. I have no doubt that she'll be a problem for me at the new club, since she knows who i used to be and how i was bullied last year. I also assume she'll be problematic here.

I'm committed to this new club and i plan to make the one-hour drive several times a week to beging participating in socials, drop-in tennis and clinics. We'll see what happens next.

<coda: While I thought this was a great idea. It wasn't. I never was able to connect with people at the new club, and the opportunities to socialize with others was too limited to make a difference. As Dorothy once said, "there's no place like home.>

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

September 25, 202

Just a short story about an amazing weekend of tennis with a wonderful surprise thrown in for good measure.

No One is More Surprised Than Me
It's been a busy weekend of tennis. Saturday is my doubles group where 12 people joined me for four sets of tennis. I probably shouldn't have played because Sunday's matches proved to be a grind. My partner and i arrived early to warm up before our semi-finals match in the season ending tournament. it was a tough, two-hour match where we squeaked by in the first set and then pounced on the other team in the second set for the win. I really enjoyed playing this married couple, maybe because the woman was on my team last year in ladies interclub. By the time we finished, the weather was getting hotter as the forecast called for a high of 95F. Off we were to the finals, playing against the best team in the division.

Because this match would decide the first place team, our match was moved to Court One, which is next to the shaded area where the other 20-30 players were seated to watch the match. To be honest, I would have been happy to not have anyone watch because this crowd tends toward the noisy before and during our points. And, yes, this threw me off at times. Still, though three tough sets, my partner and i pulled out a win for the championship.

No one was more surprise than me. This league has been a wonderful experience and the opportunity to play so many different teams (many of them married couples). I was completely spent as we walked off the courts.

The biggest surprise, though, happened during the off time between our matches. While talking to a few people, Yeng came up to me and began talking. If you've followed our drama from last spring, you'll know how destroyed i felt after she got mad at me and ended our friendship, so i was a bit shocked, but not disappointed, how friendly she was. We had a wonderful conversation, so perhaps things can improve between us. I do hope so.
. 
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Laura

[LauraE]

October 11, 2022

Thank you @SarahC, @Davina, and @ImAllie for you comments, and, of course, @Danielle, for your encouragement.

HRT Third Anniversary
On October 7th, i celebrated my third year anniversary of restarting HRT, or as my footer says, re-re-restarting, because October 7, 2019 wasn't my first day on HRT. It was instead, at least the sixth time starting HRT since coming out to myself six years ago. What made it stick this final time was the support i felt from my best friend, Person One, Nora. I had only come out to her a few months back and it would be another year before i told anyone else, but her support gave me confidence to commit to transitioning.

At three years, i can tell you that HRT's effects topped out before the one year mark and i've seen no breast growth since them (Hence the BA last November). Still, the three patches i apply each week, hoping they'll last seven days, are the lifeblood of my transition. My skin is a bit softer, as are my emotions. i'm a kinder gentler person now, something i wish the Mean Girls would appreciate. There is a slight decrease in body hair growth, but i still end up shaving my arms and legs at least once a week, something that seems like a chore rather that a joy. Oh, the maintenance women have to undergo. LOL.
As for my patches, it's a good week they they last seven days. Because i play tennis and sweat a fair amount, it's not uncommon for the patches to lift up after four days. it's even more common that i have to peel them off  early because they irritate my skin so much. Such is the translife. You do what you have to because this is the journey we chose. Transitioning's first step is coming out to yourself, but the thousand mile journey requires untold steps and patience. Three years in, i have at least two years before i feel Laura is fully formed.

You see, transition is both physical and social/emotional and each has a pathway and tasks to accomplish. yes, FFS and BA are complete, but despite 20 months of electrolysis, i know i have between 18 and 24 months to go before it's finished. then comes the decision about GCS which could take two more years. Why not do both concurrently?  Easy answer. I drive into the Bay Area for facial electrolysis so my Tuesdays are completely consumed with this task. I've considered back to back appointments with the first two being facial and the last two being genital, but to be honest, laying down for two hours being pricked by a needle is enough. Four hours would be too much. Spending another day of the week to drive our for bottom electrolysis is out of the question. i'm not in a hurry because my social emotional development is equally important.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

October 3, 2022

My emotions have been dipping the past week, a result of both my disappointment in the new club i joined and my continued status as an outcast at my present club.

Between July and September, i was part of the club's Mixed Doubles League, something i've written about previously. I think what i appreciated the most was not winning but belonging. I loved being part of a team, playing competitive matches against both friends and members i'd not met before. It wasn't the winning that lifted me those three months. It was the fact that i belonged to something. I had so  missed being part of the Ladies Interclub team that these three months filled a void and kept me from thinking too deeply about being excluded. Now that the league is over, i'm back to scavinging for playing time. Now, i only have my Saturday group and my friend's Monday and wednesday night groups. I'm not a big fan of playing at night, but when that's all you have, that's what you take. Still, i so wish women would want me to play with them. I did volunteer to subsitute on this years Interclub team, but doubt anyone will ever ask. Yeng, who recently reconnected with me, has substituted three times in the first four matches. My phone remains silent.

Which is why i joined a new club, an hour's drive north from my home. My current prospects there look dismal.

Laura

[LauraE]

October 12, 2022

When I start feeling down because "Well, we're transitioning, aren't we?", it's always nice to reflect on the successes I've had on this roller coaster of a transition journey. Today's story is about my BFF and how we celebrated her 43rd birthday. Yes, this post is long.

Laura's Amazing SLO Weekend

SLO is Californian for San Luis Obispo, one of the many towns on highway 101 which runs through the state, mostly close to the Pacific Coast.  SLO is also a college town, hosting Cal Polytechnic University (Cal Poly).

"I want to fly to San Luis Obispo."

That was Nora (Person O early last June, thinking about the next flying trip she'd like to take with me. I've been fortunate, not just that Nora has been my best friend and feminine tutor, but also that she enjoys flying with me. Just one of those would have made me happy. I'd taken her on just two flights the past few years; A Bay Tour where we spent a few hours flying around the SF Bay Area and the Golden Gate Bridge, and in late spring a one-hour flight to Half Moon Bay for lunch next to the ocean. This time her reasoning was that she wanted to get away from it all and have some girl time to herself.

Over the next few months, we'd chat a bit about what she'd like to do during the weekend, mostly centered around a mountain-top winery she visited with her husband pre-covid. That wine tasting visit would be one of the center pieces of our weekend. Over time, we fleshed out a few big things we'd like to do, leaving lots of time to wing it. While her birthday is in late September, i set this past weekend for our trip, with me picking up the tab as her birthday gift.

It was well worth it. This trip was a gift to her as a small token for all that's she's done for me, but in reality, our weekend vacation was another opportunity for Laura to continue evolving. Our visit would touch on San Luis Obispo, Paso Robles (about 30 minutes north), and Pismo Beach (about 20 minutes to the south). We shopped everywhere we stopped and purchased more that a few things, having some of them shipped to us for reasons i'll explain.

Flight planning usually begins a week before take-off, setting our course and altitude, looking at any restricted areas that often pop up, and checking the weather forecast for the weekend. My little plane is VFR (visual flight rules), so i can't fly into the clouds. I have to maintain visibility with the ground. This isn't often a factor, but it can be with trips to the coast in California. The direct flight to SLO would take just short of two hours, while driving would consume four. Early forecasts predicted sunny weather both days, but as Saturday approached, an early morning fog was expected at SLO, but predicted to burn off by the time we were to land. Of course, weather forecasts are often wrong, so i wasn't surprised when i woke up Saturday morning to discover that fog wouldn't lift until 10 or 11am, spoiling the start of our trip.

I punted, choosing instead to fly first to Paso Robles which is just north of SLO and would be an 18 minute flight away. That way we could continue to take off early (7am ish) and arrive in SLO during the morning. The trip to Paso Robles would take less than 90 minutes. Better was that there is an on field cafe where we could eat breakfast and wait for the fog to burn off.

Now, i have a little, two-person plane that only flies about 100 MPH and was designed to hold two, 170 pound passengers and just 29 pounds of luggage. Overweight planes don't fly well, taking longer to take off and climb to altitude. Worse, they can be very difficult to control if the weight is distributed unequally. So, both of us weighed our back-packs beforehand so i'd know we'd be under the weight limit. This restriction would also be a factor in the shopping we'd do.

Picking up Nora at 6:30am, we drove to the airport just as dawn was beginning and 20 minutes before sunrise. I performed the pre-flight inspection, carefully packed the plane, and waited for the fuel truck to arrive to top off the tanks. We finally departed at 7:45am and landed at Paso Robles around 9:15. The airport cafe was packed, so we had to wait a few minutes for a table, but the food was worth it. By the time we finished, the fog at SLO had dissipated, so i paid our bill and we took off for the quick, 18 minute flight to our weekend home base.

The airport at SLO is mid-size with a control tower and regular commercial service. A variety of jets landed both before us and after us. After landing, we taxied over the the jet center to park, and walked over the rental car counter at the terminal to get our car. Then the fun began with our first stop, Tennis Warehouse where we both purchased shoes. This is when reality hit that our shopping could put us over the weight limit. Shoes aren't heavy but combined with other purchases could pose a problem. Part. of the solution would be to put less fuel into the plane before departure, which is possible because our trip home didn't require full tanks.

The first of two major activities Saturday was wine tasting at the mountain top tasting room at Daou Vinyards , west of Paso Robles. For 2 1/2 hours, we sampled a variety of wine, shared some delicious food, chatted, and took dozens of pictures. We also decided to purchase several bottles of wine, having them shipped home. Now, we both have iPhones, but because mine is the current model, every time we'd stop, Nora would take my phone to AirDrop the pictures i'd taken to her phone. These memories would be fodder for our FaceBook posts. I had planned for us to drive back to SLO  afterwards to check into our hotel before our evening activity, but we spent so much time (and money) at the vineyard, we decided to do a little shopping before our evening activity.
Which was an awe inspiring art installation next to the Paso Robles airport. Created as temporary artwork three years ago, it proved so popular that it's now permanent with the creators currently expanding the art installation and constructing new buildings on site. The  Sensorio Field of Lights was a beautiful closing activity for our first day, one i'd encourage you to experience if you're ever in our neck of the woods. (Yes, i've included. few pictures below.)

We finally arrived at our hotel after 9pm and fell asleep shortly afterwards, exhausted but thrilled by the day's events.

Sunday was mostly a free flowing day with our primary destination being Pismo Beach which is about a 20 minute drive south from SLO. We had a ball exploring, eating, and shopping which continued until we arrived back at the airport around 3:30pm. Now, i don't fly at night and with sunset being around 6:30pm, we'd need to take off by 4:30pm for the two hour flight home. We dropped off our car at the terminal and asked the jet center to call their fuel truck so we could refuel before take off. More than 30 minutes later, we were still waiting and time was becoming precious. the center has very high ratings and while staff was friendly, my little plane didn't seem to be a priority. Finally, i made the call to taxi to the other side of the airport to the self-serve AVgas. Afterwards, we called the tower for instructions and got in line behind one jet and one very large cargo plane awaiting take-off. That was fun.

We had a great flight home, arriving just as the sun was setting and getting backto our homes around 7pm. In all, the best birthday gift i could find for NOra, one she loved and i enjoyed immensely. Below are just a few pictures.

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Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

November 3, 2022

Thanksgiving is on the horizon. When i had family, we'd travel to the Bay Area to spend the day with my family for both feast and drama, which nearly always ensued. Since my divorce, i've spent Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. However, traditions are important so i've always made a complete Thanksgiving dinner for myself as a reminder.

This morning, my tennis coach asked about my Thanksgiving plans, and after I shared, he invited me to his home for the feast. Evidently, his entire family are strong tennis players, who begin Thanksgiving morning playing tennis, with the losers having to wash dishes that night. It sounds lovely and tempting. Of course, i don't do pity and while i felt today's invitation is sincere, I can't feel confident about attending, I'll withhold a decision until next week,, so see if he persists.

Sometimes

Sometimes i don't care about the haters, those who reject me because i'm trans.
Sometimes, i wish the people caught in the middle would reach out and play with me.

Sometimes i see Laura in pictures taken of me.
Sometimes, i feel like everyone clocks me.

Sometimes I forget i'm an outcast at my tennis club and that no women will ask me to play with them, or sub for them on the team. Sometimes i tire of this rejection.

Sometimes, well every day, someone will stop, turn and stare at me.

Laura

[LauraE]

November 27, 2022

My apologies for not posting, but life has been busy, in a good way, so while i've been writing in my head, i'm finally getting around to providing an update.


Two Years FT: Evolution & Reinvention

Yesterday, I celebrated two years living full time as Laura and no one is more surprised than I am. It's been an "interesting" two years, with year one feeling more like junior high where you learn people can be cruel and the second year being more like "Screw 'em. I don't need the Mean Girls to be happy. There's plenty to be thankful for and it's time to focus on what makes me happy."

First, though, an update.

Part of my evolution can be traced back to my trip to Hawaii last June, when i tested the waters, asking myself if i could feel comfortable traveling alone and whether i could feel happy being Laura, a transwoman, at a distant location. The results, as shared here, were that i was ready to move on and continue evolving. That simple realization, that some people will never accept me but that it's just as easy to cultivate new friends who do was the fire starter that motivated me to grow as Laura.

I returned from Hawaii determined to express myself and to continue reaching out to possible new friends. Now determined to redecorate my family room (the room i spend most of my time), I decided to move the Chinese furniture and paintings to my vacant living room. My new room theme would be tied to the Hawaiian artist, Pegge Hopper and her paintings, which i'd fallen in love with in the 80s and 90s. It would be a tropical room reminding me of my fond feelings for the islands.

Now, as i may have mentioned before, my first wife was from Hawaii, so i'd already traveled there frequently. Perhaps more importantly, my grandparents, including my namesake, worked in Hilo from 1922 until 1928 with my father being born there in 1925. Hilo continues to be my favorite place to visit.

After purchasing six Hopper prints, some framed in Koa wood, i contacted a Big Island wood worker who built a Koa coffee table for me, it arriving in early September. Most of the Hopper pictures are already on the walls, with two still at the frame shop (he's in demand). My furniture would be rattan with a floral print, popular in the islands, so after much research, i placed my order in early July. Initial delivery was predicted to be December, but until a few weeks ago, i'd been informed that February was a more likely date. It was a pleasant surprise when they all arrived two weeks ago. They would stay in my garage, though, because last week  i had my carpets replaced, feeling that i might as well start fresh.

All of the furniture is in its proper place, Christmas lights are on the outside, the Christmas trees are in place (I bought two artificial trees after buying "live" trees all my life), Christmas music is playing, and the cats are napping near me. I still have much decorating to do, but the deliveries from Amazon with Hawaiian decorations continue to arrive. I still need to clean the entire first floor but all things in due time.

Laura's Crab and Conversation with Friends
Last December, i hosted a crab dinner for some of my friends, including Yeng and Nora (Person One), and because i continue being unlike <deadname>, i thought a second annual crab feed was called for. This time, though, I asked Nora to help me plan the party. As before, i'd supply the food and drink, but now i'd have a new set of friends to invite, several who are new to me this year. After drafting the party details, Nora helped create an invitation graphic that i'd text to the invitees. Of the initial invite list, two would be out of town, but because i have more friends now than last year, i reached out to others who said yes. In all, i've limited this party to six which is what my dining table can handle. Am i ready for a larger party? I'm getting there. Hosting parties still feels new to me, but i hope to in the future when i have more friends. Nora suggested we do a White Elephant gift exchange, something that's new to me, but we'll figure that out soon.

On Thanksgiving, my friend Dai texted wishing me a happy Thanksgiving. Now, Dai was on my Interclub team last season and was both a mentor and staunch defender of my transition. She paid a price though and chose to leave our club and join the country club in our city. This Interclub season she's playing there. As we texted back and forth, I learned she's unhappy with her partner who is neither friendly nor energetic about playing well. As a result, they're losing most of their matches. On a whim, I told her i'd gladly join the country club (which is quite expensive) for the chance to be her partner next season. After some back and forth, she shared that my presence there would cause a riot. Apparently, there are more trans haters there than at my club (and that's saying something.) So, i guess i'm an outcast at multiple clubs. Quite an accomplishment.

As i've shared here, i told Dai that the mean girls can't affect me anymore because my happiness is no longer tied to their acceptance. I'm happier and more confident now and, as a result, I've made more friends along the way. The mean girls will never change, but i have and i'm happy for it. I do hope to play competitively again though.

My evolution continues now into year three. I'm looking forward to more adventures and new friendships.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

December 11, 2022

Friendsgiving, aka Laura's Crab and Conversation with Friends

Last night i hosted five friends, some new this year, for crab, ravioli, minestrone soup and more. It had been a hectic week that i'd fortunately planned out, finishing up my house cleaning and making several dishes in advance for the big day. I felt good though. My redecorated house was complete and reflected who i am, and i looked forward to hosting a party.

Saturday, a major storm rolled through our area, flooding parts of many streets, including mine. Still, everyone arrived on time, and enjoyed an hour of hors D'oeuvres and wine before we began dinner. Oh, there was too much food, enough for a party twice our size, but i'm fine with that. For me, hosting people still feels new. <Deadname> never invited people over, but as Laura evolves, she's continuing to learn how to be her best woman. Nora and i have talked a few times that as i gain more new friends, i'm ready for something bigger.

Nora's idea to have a white elephant gift exchange was brilliant. Retiring to my family room after dinner, i was pleased with the scope and depth of the conversations that ensued, me learning new things about several of my friends as we all opened up. The Gift exchange was a riot, in the best of ways, serving as a bit of crazy entertainment for the evening.

Nancy, a retired judge, in a small aside with me, shared how different i am now that before. She, like most people at the club, knew <deadname> and apparently some people didn't like him. Laura, by contrast, is a very different person, and Nancy wanted me to know that. I feel that too. I continue to grow into the woman i want to be. I've always said that transition is a 1000 mile journey and making slow, steady progress helps get us to the end. Transitioning can't be completed quickly, just as a planted seed doesn't grow into a full tree over night. Keep watering and seeking sunshine and you'll get there in time.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

January 2, 2023

I have stories for you, but first a few comments.

I haven't been logging in often, partially because i'm just trying to live my life, but also because i like to have something substantial to say before i journal. I've always been a writer, and having Susan's as a place to publish has meant much to me. My journals are my way of chronicling my transition and processing not just how recent events have affected my transition but also how i've been evolving as Laura. 

I've always hoped that my trans sisters would see how my life has evolved since i came out to myself 6 ½ years ago, because too many transwomen expect instant results, or have difficulty seeing through the fog of their early transition. Becoming your true self is a journey, one that can't be rushed. Oh, sure you can rush your physical transition, getting all your surgeries and electrolysis taken care of in a year's time. However, becoming a woman is more than acquiring physical attributes. The social and emotional evolution takes longer. Much longer.

Thank you also, @Danielle, although i'd disagree with your comment that i've arrived.  For me, "arrival" is reserved for a time near the end of my transition, which is a few years away. That's the destination where i'll feel i've fully evolved, metamorphized into my womanhood. I would say, though, that sometime last spring, i passed a tipping point, one where i stopped letting the haters reside in my head and decided instead to live my life fully, to seek out new adventures, and focus on both the gifts i've been given or earned as well as the new friends i'm finding. It was a sweet thought though. Tipping points are important because they indicate that a new phase has begun, one where we leave behind the fodder of our early transitional struggles and look forward to the final phases of our evolution.

But, i digress. I have stories.

Baking
I was never a cook, at least not one who could easily rifle through a cookbook and churn out daily meals. What I discovered after Laura appeared, was that i enjoyed finding and experimenting with recipes i discovered online, saving those that i'd want to cook at various times of the year. For me, the holidays are all about making minestrone soup and baking Christmas cookies. The two i made in abundance this season were a thumbprint cookie (with jam filling) and snowball cookies, also called Russian Tea Cookies.

I'd already baked several dozen for my dinner with friends, but now the volume baking would begin as we counted down to Christmas with destinations being my tennis group, the Women's Book Club, and my neighbors.

Up until now, i'd done all my ingredient mixing with a small hand mixer, finishing the butter/flour combining by hand. Because i'd always begin baking by making double batches, this preparation had become cumbersome so I finally broke down and bought a KitchenAide 4.5, a classic machine that will last long after my death. Now, i could easily and quickly make double batches and get them baking.

The weekend after my Friendsgiving party held two cookie give aways: my tennis group, which recently had grown to 16 and the Women's Book Club, which meets for lunch immediately after tennis.

I'd missed the previous two book club meetings, since club tennis socials were held the same Saturday's in October and November, so reuniting with them was a joy. At the Christmas meeting, not only would we discuss December's book selection, but we'd also share cookies and exchange books at a white elephant event.

Many book club members had already arrived by the time i entered our private room at the restaurant, so i settled down in a chair and scouted the room, finding Donna chatting with friends at the far end of the room. If you remember from last summer, Donna is an elected official in my town with a FB friend list quadruple mine. After we met for drinks last summer, spending three hours sharing our stories, i'd learned that she has a larger outer ring of friends and a very small inner ring, of which she was inviting me to enter. Scouting her friend list, i discovered many common acquaintances, mostly from my work life as well as a real estate agent who'd worked both with <deadname> and with Laura two years ago when i sold my condo. About a month ago, Donna had taken her to the same bar for drinks and when Donna name dropped me, the agent immediately shared that she knew me too. Now, the agent is a wonderful woman i'd gladly work with again, so when she texted me the following day, we ended up having a nice conversation.

I made my way down to the corner to hug Donna, commenting on her European vacation she'd just returned from and reminding her of our common acquaintance. A while later, she came up to me, suggesting we go out drinking again, adding one or two of her other friends. Of course, i agreed. I do love these meetings, partially because they're completely different from my other experiences and partially because i'm enjoying getting to know the other women.

It was now one week until Christmas and i'd begin baking for my neighbors. Nora, my BFF, asked if i would teach her how to make them, so i printed out the two recipes and invited her over. In all, we baked around 10 dozen cookies as i showed her how to make both the snowball and thumbprint cookies. In return, she showed me how women wrap cookies as gifts. She'd given me the task of buying several cookie boxes with her bringing over a gigantic tub of wrapping paper and ribbon. In all, she wrapped four boxes for her friends. Afterwards, i placed the remainder of the cookies in the cool oven to keep them away from my curious cats. I still had several batches of dough in the refrigerator i'd bake the following day, after i'd shopped for more boxes as well as my own stash of ribbon and box to store them in.

All was good.

So, the next morning, i turned on the oven, getting the dough and butter out of the frig to make the final few cookie batches for my friends and neighbors. By the time the oven had preheated, my day had turned sideways. Yes, i'd forgotten that l'd left several dozen cookies in two plastic containers in the oven and now they were melted on the oven floor. The remainder of the day was spent airing out the house (and it was cold outside), cleaning out the melted plastic, and performing an oven self-clean. Cookie baking would wait until the following morning. Fortunately, i had enough dough to make gift boxes for my neighbors. And yes, i'd so glad Nora taught me this aspect of womanhood i'd not learned before. She really has been my mentor in so many ways.

It's been a rainy December here in Northern California, so I had to cancel three Saturday tennis groups at the last minute due to rain but given the long drought we've had, our snowpack needs it more than i need tennis. And so it goes. It's 2023 now, but i have to admit, 2022 was one of the best years of my life.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

January 14, 2002

Well, it's another rainout for my Saturday doubles group. The past few months i've found several new people while attending Sid's Monday night tennis and several people came and asked to participate. This was a pleasant surprise. From the beginning, i've only invited people i felt were nice, that i might be able to trust, and that enjoy playing our format of tennis. I'm still widely shunned by the women at my club and at other clubs in the area, but i've accumulated a nice group of people to play with.

And now, another story.


Tea Time

"You're such a girl", Nora said to me as we were talking on the phone. We talk frequently and it's not unusual for us to talk for an extended amount of time. I really am thankful to have a BFF who also has been a frequent catalyst in my evolution.

"You're such a girl. Even your FaceBook posts are girly" she concluded. Now, i've not given much thought to the different ways i've evolved, partially because i know i have years before i'm complete and partially because i continue to have trouble seeing Laura in the mirror. I've written about this many times, so i won't dwell, but I wonder whether the primary problem is that i'm simply not passable or if the greater problem is my mental image, having spent 6+ decades as <deadname> that I can't not see him instead of Laura.

After my second annual Friendsgiving crab dinner i threw in December, I knew i was feeling comfortable throwing parties, although this was a new feeling. I've never been a party person, rarely attending or holding one. Such is the life of an introvert. I'm still a shy introvert, but i've realized how much fun i have both preparing for and holding an event for my friends.

With this mind, Nora told me, "You should have a tea party." "What", i replied, "I've never even attended one. I have no clue about tea parties, but i'm in." With this, Nora introduced me to the world of tea parties including ideas about all the food that can be served and the suggestion, "Check out Pinterest."

I did and i was sooo ready to try. With Nora's ideas in mind, i found a number of recipes i'd like to try and downloaded them. I'm excited to experiment making them in the next few days to see if they taste as great as they look. Laura's first tea time will happen in late March or April.

I'm such a girl.

Laura

[LauraE]

January 15, 2023

Why I've Not Posted Trans News

Transitioning, particularly in the beginning, isn't easy. Just taking that first step of your thousand mile journey requires bravery, but then reality slowly reveals itself. Fear, uncertainty, dysphoria and more are common early on, but the real challenge begins when you begin living your new life full-time.

It's not all negative. I was lucky to have both a best friend who had my back and cheered me on, as well as a safe space, Susan's, to share my journey, my challenges, and my successes. I've been particularly happy the past year for one main reason; I chose to begin ignoring the hate directed towards me and my tribe, both by the women at my tennis club and in the red states who had begun ramping up anti-trans legislation. By deciding to stop caring and not letting haters rent room in my head, i found a peace that allowed me to begin living my life in full. 2022 was a wonderful, happy year.

I'd begun posting news at Susan's some time ago with encouragement from Danielle and i took my job seriously. Of course, anyone with a phone or browser could find the same stories, but i felt more involved by doing so. I have many sources, including an automatic Google search that emails me daily about trans news, but other sources like the Human Rights Campaign also track stories about us.

My first year full time, which began 26 months ago, was somewhat bi-polar, consisting of both extreme highs and horrible lows that often sent me into deep depression. All these "falling into the rabbit hole" periods were instigated by the hate i faced locally. \

Reading and posting trans news didn't help. During the past few years, I've seen an increasing number of anti-trans legislation in red states around the nation. Beginning with so called "bathroom bills", the majority of the news i posted reminded me that our tribe isn't safe, that even in progressive California where i live, many people believe we shouldn't exist, nor have the same rights as others. The growing number of hate crimes and anti-trans legislation built on my own challenges, easing me into another "rabbit hole."

So I stopped. I only began feeling happier and left depression behind when i stopped caring about the haters. I'll never change them. Nor do i have any power to stop all the creative ways our haters continue to find and use against us.

Since then, the news has gotten worse with anti sports legislation and now laws that forbid our younger sisters from receiving any care or medical treatment. "Religious freedom" is now used a  a device to deny us our rights for simple things like hearing our chosen names and pronouns. I'd hate to be a trans teenager in a red state now.

And yet, I know i should do more, so i plan to begin posting news again, starting out slowly to see how it affects me.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

January 28, 2023

I've been down a bit the past few days. Not "rabbit hole" down, but at times like this, i feel less hopeful and more lonely. There are many reasons for this hopefully brief interlude: every day brings more news about laws being submitted or passed in red states against us from banning any gender affirming care to minors to banning care for those under the age of 26; with all the rains we've had, i've played much less tennis (sometimes just once a week) and my game has suffered. It's sunnier now, but for a time, it was depressing to see my game affected, even though i knew what mistakes i was making; and I continue to be saddened that i'm effectively blacklisted by women at the club, never being asked to play, nor asked to substitute for their team. Sometimes i'm just thankful my cats are here to make me laugh and feel a bit loved.

I have one major story and several updates.

Tea Party
When Nora suggested i hold a tea party this spring, i instantly accepted and began searching for both decorations and recipes. New spring wreaths are on the doors and the house is slowly filling with spring decorations. Last Sunday, Nora came over to watch the 49ers game with me which gave me opening to have here try my cucumber sandwiches as well as shrimp canapes. Both were delicious so i'll be keeping those recipes.

Saturday Doubles
Over the past four months, i've added a number of new people to my i invite list, some that i scouted in Sid's Monday night group and some that were recommended to me.Included in this group are several women and while they all have careers and hence are unavailable to partner with me for Women's League, they're a wonderful addition. Perhaps what i appreciate more is that they're genuinely nice people who never knew <deadname>, although clearly i don't pass.

Happily, i'm having no trouble filling out each week's doubles group and our size has grown from 12 to 16 people, the maximum on the public courts we play on. Even better, i'm filling out all 16 positions within an hour of my invitations going out. At least Saturday doubles is going well. Now, if only some of those people would invite me to play with them on other days.

Another League
I joined a new tennis club in September in hopes of playing more often there, but i'm finding it's nearly impossible to meet people there. After scouting to see which teams were being created for the spring season, i texted one of the captains introducing myself and asking if it were possible to try out for their team. Fortunately i received a reply and i'll be playing there next Wednesday. Wish me luck because this is a shot in the dark and perhaps my only hope of playing competitively with women.

Electrolysis Turns Two
Shortly, I'll celebrate (if that's really the word) two years on electrolysis.

For the past two years, my week has had six days with the seventh being totally devoted to needles and pain. I leave in the morning to fight the last of the commuter traffic, arriving an hour before my appointment to give me time to apply the numbing cream. Instructions for the 2.5% Prilocane/2.5% Lidocaine indicate it an take 60 to 90 minutes to achieve full effect so i'd rather be safe. After my two hour appointment, i fight the afternoon commute traffic home, arriving just in time to feed my cats.

I didn't know it would take this long when i started. Somehow, i'd convinced myself we'd be done in a year, something that was quickly dispelled as i learned my punishment would last closer to three years, if not more. Time on the table, like HRT, is YMMV. The younger you are, the more likely you'll need less time. At 71, i've had too many decades for testosterone to do it's damage. Fortunately, i'm not a particularly hairy person and the body hair i do have is fine and sparse.

In the beginning, i'd only need three days of beard growth to achieve an acceptable length. At two years, some areas are requiring four to five days while others require seven days growth, enhancing the time i feel dysphoric. At some point, i'm told i'll just stop shaving because i'll need that much time for hair growth before the next session. I'm both looking forward and regretting that reality.

Still, i see the progress we've made. Things are better now that they were at the beginning.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

January 30, 2023

Pros, Cons and Everlasting Doubt

I learned this weekend that one of my FB trans friends, someone i met once six years ago, died recently. We had similarities, being close in age and even after being full-time for many years, still were unpassable. She was happy, though, and had a loving wife who stayed by her side from the beginning. I envied that she was brave and that she had love in her life.

I'd met Stephanie 6 ½ years ago, shortly after i came out to my therapist and after being on HRT for a few weeks. I'd joined Susan's for the first time and decided I might benefit from being in a support group with other transwomen, so one evening i made the trek, terrified my neighbors or anyone else would spot me. It was a brave moment, one I wouldn't repeat for many more years.

In attendance were six or seven other MTFs, all in different phases of their transition. Stephanie sat opposite me at the table and looked comfortable and confident, which pretty much was the opposite of what i was feeling. None of the women were passable, and many, if not most, would probably never be, including Stephanie and I, but we'd all reached a point where transitioning was easier than the dysphoria we'd felt. Still, as the meeting concluded, i knew i'd never return. It was just too depressing seeing myself in these other women,, each a reminder that while we'd all undertaken a most difficult journey, we'd always stand out. We'd always be stared at and excluded. That was just too much burden to carry given the absolute fear i felt the first four years of my transition. My fear may have subsided since then but it's been replaced with an under-the-surface sadness that sometimes pops up to remind me things will never get better, that despite all the surgeries, electrolysis, and other emotional work i've done to progress through this puberty, some people would always see me as a freak, someone to either stare at, gossip about, or  exclude.

Oh, there are positives in my life, so don't think I regret transitioning. I'm a better person now, transitioning having enhanced my positives while minimizing some of my negatives. I'm clearly different and my friends have noticed the changes. Having friends is also a positive.

However, I am lonely so often that without cats in my life, I hesitate to think where my emotions would be. Certainly I have a BFF in Nora and several others i consider friends. <Deadname> had none. He was, though, an active tennis player who was often invited to play with others. Since transitioning, those invitations disappeared and despite organizing a popular Saturday doubles group, no one asks me to play.

 So i sit on the couch for now, watching Netflix and petting one of my cats who naps next to me. Hardly a hermit anymore, I do plan excursions that I take alone; several concerts in May, a trip to Hawaii in June, camping in late June, and an excursion to New York in late August to see the US Open tennis tournament, all of these alone. At least Nora is accompanying me to Indian Wells for their tennis tournament in March. Overall, I'm trying to be active find ways to have fun. Under the surface, though, is a constant sadness that i'll never be accepted.

I trudge on though. There's no going back on this thousand mile journey.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

January 31, 2023

I've always used the analogy that i'm on a thousand mile journey that began with my first step, coming out to myself and many of my posts have referenced where I am on that road, how much progress I've made, and how I'm still walking the walk towards my finished evolution.

I've evolved so much the past three and a half years that some parts of me are unrecognizable. My journey certainly would have been easier had i moved north to a more accepting community, so i get why you and others have. I took the risk, though, because of the encouraging signs I found as I was struggling to go full-time, knowing staying would place more obstacles in my path.

Despite these troubles,, I'm glad I stayed. For example, my neighbor across the street, who as one of people who completely accepted Laura from the start, texted me Sunday expressing how much she was enjoying looking out from her house to see the new wreaths on my front door (See my avatar). I shared back that as I've evolved, I've become someone different, someone who loves decorating. It's little comments like these, unsolicited from people who knew <deadname> but recognize I'm different now, are what encourage me that i've made the right decision.

This IS a thousand mile journey. In the beginning, during the three years before I came out to Nora,, I'd often take two steps forward and three steps back. Those truly were very hard years. There are times, however, when something either temporarily stops my progress or takes me on a side excursion. My first year full-time included both large steps forward as well as lengthy side excursions, as i've shared in my posts. This journey could have been a book or even a buddy movie of the trials and tribulations we all face as we find our true selves. I'm glad I stayed regardless of the side excursion I'm on or the ones that will happen before Laura is complete.

I always have hope, which can be both benefit and an curse. (That last statement should probably be a long post by itself.)

So, thank you for being part of my support group, for reading about my evolution, and for your ongoing empathy and encouragement.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

February 18, 2021

Spring is here. Well, for me, the unofficial start has arrived. I'm not a big fan of winter, now being more sensitized to the cold. I love the holiday season with all the decorating, but the shorter, colder days don't serve me well. Now, here in the California central valley, the vast almond orchards surrounding our communities have begun to bloom. Soon, my own yard, still with the winter flowers that began blooming in October, will awaken one plant and tree at a time. I do wish spring could last all year. This is a perfect time to fly, so i did some practice maneuvers a few days ago,  I took a friend (see below) on a Bay Tour yesterday, and next weekend, Nora and I are making the one hour flight to Half Moon Bay for lunch and some hiking. More on that later.

I have more news about Nora and tennis, but today's story takes precedence.

Dating

When i began transitioning, I accepted the reality that i'd probably never be in another relationship. I'd spent most of my life partnered, so it's taken some time to get used to living alone and evolving into the woman i am, one who has friends but not lovers. Oh, i'd tried off an on the past few years, but most of the women who approached me on dating sites were instead scammers. Lesbians, my main focus, had little interest in dating a trans, many even saying that in their profiles. Still, i'm stubborn enough to occasionally open a dating app and putting my hook in the water.

So, it was surprising when i heard back from someone after reaching out two weeks ago.

I've begun dating someone we'll call V for now and both of us are taking this slowly, tiptoeing to see if this will work for both of us. Her because while she's had liaisons with other women, she's never explored dating a woman and falling in love with one. Me because while i've always been attracted to women, Laura has never dated and this is a completely new experience for me. V sees me as a woman, so being trans isn't a problem with her.

V lives about 35 minutes from me to getting together hasn't been a problem. Our lives are quite different though. She has nine siblings, three children, and four grandchildren, as well as her own host of friendships. My friendship circle is smaller, but I'm comfortably growing it. So, we each have independent lives and are busy. Complicating things are her large, relatively nosey family which is fairly gossipy and because V has never dated a woman, she's cautious about keeping these beginnings private so we have time to figure things out. She's exploring if she can fall in love with a woman and i'm exploring my first relationship AS a woman.

Our first date was at a Starbucks near her house which turned out to be a 4.5 hour conversation that only ended when workers began closing down. A few days later, we went out to dinner and a movie.She's cautious about keeping this beginning private, so last Friday, she came over to my house for a crab dinner and more conversation, returning yesterday where she flew with me for the first time. I took V on a Bay Tour which basically is a flight into and around the Bay Area including a few cycles around the Golden Gate Bridge. I never bore of these flights i share with friends. After landing, we lunched at a downtown restaurant before returning to my house.

She's shared many stories about her siblings and children, so many that sometimes i feel i need a scorecard to keep track of all the players. After joking about this, she pulled out her phone and began to show me pictures of the various characters in her stories. In turn, i pulled out mine to show some of my pictures, stopping at the beginning of my life full-time two years ago. I was surprised as I realized how different i look now compared to then. I also stopped myself from showing V pictures of my family because they only show <deadname> and i'm feeling dysphoric about revealing who i used to be.

During out third date at my house, I leaned back on V and took our first picture together, later sharing this with Nora who replied that I looked pretty. Nora knows how i feel about my looks, that i continue to have problems seeing Laura in the mirror. Still, I appreciated the compliment.

Things are progressing slowly and smoothly with us. We both are taking out time, realizing that this might evolved into something deeper with time, or that we might just end up being friends. In that sense, I'm more comfortable now than in many relationships from my past. I'll be ok either way.

Intimacy
We're approaching the point where we may be ready to be intimate and, at least for me, this is scary for two reasons, which is why i hope others will comment on this post.

First, while I've always dated women, I've never dated a woman AS a woman and i've never been intimate as a woman. <deadname> knew how things worked in bed and loved both pleasing and being pleased. Laura, though, is still transitioning. If you've followed my story, you know that I've focused my electrolysis on my face these past two years. I'm not repulsed by what's downstairs although i'm not enthusiastic about using it again. Still, because my face is public, that's been my priority and it will be at least another year before I can move over to bottom electyrolysis. (I've covered this before, but currently I devote one day a week for electrolysis, driving out to Bay for my work. I'm not enthusiastic about spending four hours on a table along with the pain that follows. NOw i wonder if that was a mistake.)

Secondly, because i've not had bottom surgery, i'm on the same drugs as the rest of our tribe: estrogen in the form of patches and Spiro to stop testosterone production. I love the effects except for this: Spiro killed my libido and all sensuality associated with my breasts. My only option would be to stop taking Spiro so these sensations return. However, i'm not happy about having my T levels return to <deadname's> levels.

I've shared with V my fear, that i'd like to approach intimacy with her, but that i'm afraid my body will betray me because Spiro keeps me from being turned on.

I'm certain others have had this same problem. I know everything will change once i've had bottom surgery, but that option is at least two years away. Any advice would be appreciated.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

March 13, 2023

I have stories including a trip that Nora and i took to Indian Wells last weekend for their yearly tournament. We had a ball and returned home late last night. Today's story is mostly about......

Hate
I'm continuing to have difficulty posting transgender news to Susan's. Oh, I'm still tracking stories around the country, but the race to the bottom to hurt my fellow sisters and brothers is triggering.

We saw it coming, beginning with bathroom ban legislation a few years ago. I can't imagine being forced to use the men's bathroom, so i'd be tempted to call the police, tell them i'm trans and give them the location of the women's bathroom I'm about to use. Please arrest me for trying to live my life.

Last year, the main focus was on "Saving women's sports" from us, as if there are large numbers of trans girls who are dominating women's sports when all we want to is to participate in a sport that we love.

This year, they've come after our medical care and hormones. There has been a race to the bottom to deny us our rights. Red states have been particularly and increasingly cruel to our tribe. None of it makes sense, except when you understand that anger and hate fuel some voters and bullying us, a minority with no lobby, is free from repercussions. Never mind their complete denial of what parents, students, and professional medical and psychiatric organizations have said.

To understand why we are being attacked, one should pay attention to Michael Knowle's speech at CPAC this year where he pronounced, "...for the good of society ... transgenderism must be eradicated from public life entirely"

A particularly cruel response to our testimony came from a red state legislator. After one of our sisters began her story about the need for gender affirming care, the first question she was asked was whether she had a penis.

Really?

And the legislation is getting worse. Not content with attacking our adolescent sisters and brothers, now they're talking about prohibiting care for trans adults.

I'm not affected for now. I have the privilege of living in a blue state, I have excellent medical care, and i have the means to pay for care without insurance. Most of our sisters and brothers are not so fortunate, so each time i read a story about new ways legislators have dreamed up to hurt us, i cringe and turn away. Cruelty and hate seem to be the point and I fear it will be decades before the pendulum swings back.

In the meantime, hate toward us continues to grow and i wonder whether I experienced some of that this weekend at the tennis tournament.

I know i'm not passable, at least to the majority of the population, and I am thankful when someone is surprised to hear that i'm trans. Still, at least once a day, I notice someone turning their head and staring directly at me which is never a comfortable feeling. I've become accustomed to it and while these events dig at my heart a bit, I continue to live an happy live as Laura.

While on our seven hour drive to Indian Wells, we stopped a few times to charge my Tesla. Instead of waiting in the car, we'd walk to a nearby restaurant, store, or Starbucks to stretch our legs and get something to drink. Only later did Nora tell me that while we were ordering and waiting for our coffees, two women stared at me the entire time. Now, Nora knows this is a feature of my life, but this was the first time that she saw it in action, making her feel uncomfortable. Not wanting to upset me, she said nothing until we'd left. Still, Nora now has a better understanding of the hate that we all face.

I've attended the tournament often over the past 20 years but this was the first time Nora has come with me. We had a great time and look forward to attending together next year. More than 50K people attend each day, so lines for food and even bathrooms were often long. More people, though, means more opportunities to be clocked. Friday's session was the first time i was stared at multiple times in a day with one person even saying "trans" as he and his partner passed me. I don't know whether all the red-state legislation has created more haters, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did.

And so it goes.

Laura

[REM.1126]

How is the Tiger?  Do you hate the differential braking, or is it a non-issue for you.  It doesn't bother me at all. 

How do you like the low wing v the high wing?  I'll bet the above the wing visibility is great in the Tiger.  Does the sunlight from above head bother you?  Or, do you just wear a cap with a visor?

[LauraE]

Hi @Rachel Montgomery.

I absolutely LOVE the Tiger. It's a little pain having the front wheel caster, but as long as you straighten out plane before stopping, it's not so bad. Braking has been fine too.

What took some work, while I was being checked out, was the increased float on landings due to the low wing. I've mastered that now and my landings are better now than in the Cessna 150.

The plane is a bit heavier, so harder to pull or push. Our hanger, the only one available, has a slight incline as be push the plane in the hanger, so the previous owner installed a winch at the back of the hanger. One of my partners, though, built an electric tug that should make life better.

Overall, I'm in love with the Tiger. After my trip to the Indian Wells tennis tournament in March, we're getting a new transponder that will give us ADSB in. For now, I"m using a Sentry Mini,,which works great.

150MPH cruise? Amazing.

Laura

[LauraE]

April 5, 2023

It's been a long, wet winter here in northern California. The snow pack is nearly 300% of normal and rivers are trying to overflow their banks. While I know our drought-stricken state needs all this water, tennis and flying were deeply impacted the past four months due to all the rain outs.

What i hope was the last atmospheric river departing a few days ago, the skies are now deep blue and life seems to be returning to normal. I'm playing a bit more regularly and i intend to fly this coming sunday, just to practice and feel the magic again.

I have a new experience to share.

Laura's First Funeral
I received a call from a former worker this afternoon sharing that the woman who had been my administrative assistant when i was Director at the county office had died in her sleep late last week. She and a former workmate had divided up their contact lists and were calling to share the news and the date/time of the funeral. It was a bit of a shock when the first words out of her mouth addressed my <deadname>. At the time, I didn't acknowledge but referenced her name instead.

Now, none of my former work friends and employees were <deadname's> FaceBook friends, so I doubted they knew about my transition. However, quite a few of my work friends from around California and the nation were <deadname's> friend and most transitioned over to Laura's FB page two years ago.

After hearing of my assistant's death and plans for the funeral, I knew i'd need to attend. However, everyone there would be expecting to see <deadname>, not Laura. So, I launched into the news about my transition, my new legal name, and my intention to attend. I told my caller to share this news with others so they wouldn't be too shocked, stressing the importance of addressing me as Laura and not <deadname>.

Frankly, I question my decision to attend. This is supposed to be Debra's funeral and I worry about how my sudden appearance as somebody completely different will impact the solemn occasion. I will recognize quite a few people there and it seems a bit too random to expect everyone to be accepting.

Still, I do have a black outfit to wear should i attend.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

May 17, 2023

In May, Laura decided it was time to enjoy going to concerts alone. The entry below is about my experience seeing the EDM group, M83 in Oakland.

For me, M83's concert was one of my best nights of this year. I've always surrounded myself with music, and while my iTunes library is full and diverse, different genres connect with different parts of my life. I have music for writing and thinking, music for when i'm at airports, and so much music that makes me feel alive.

I had the pleasure of sitting next to a 25 year old couple who'd known each other since they were 14. They were adorable together. This was their second M83 concert, having seen them during their 2016 tour. The boyfriend commented how there's one song he always listens to at the conclusion of an event in his life while other songs are directly connected to certain times of his life. I can relate. His girlfriend and I talked about music and books, her having also read this month's Women's Book Club selection, Elenor Oliphant is Completely Fine, which we discussed. She also shared a title i might be interested in reading.

This is why the past year has been the best of my life. I'd locked Laura up for 50 years, but now she's enjoying the life she always wanted to have.

M83's music makes me feel alive, energetic, and reflective, so i was only able to capture two clips near the end of their performance.

Laura