Robby's Journey

[Lori Dee]

Robby,

It seems like things keep going back and forth and up and down for you. If she is truly interested in trying to understand, would she be willing to talk with your therapist, with or without you?

If she is getting slanted information, that will only fuel any bias she may already have. Is she interested in knowing what is really going on? Or does she prefer to learn from people who will just agree with her bias?

I removed the last sentence from your post. I'll PM you in a moment.

Hang in there.

Hugs!

[Northern Star Girl]

@Robbyv213   cc: @Lori Dee  @Pema  @davina61  @Jessica_Rose  @Moonflower
Dear Robby:
Here on the Forum we have several members that have successfully encouraged
their partner/spouse to register as a member here on the Forum.

She will not only get unbiased and important information regarding the transgender
journey but also she will be able to view the various postings from our membership
and even get involved in the conversations with her own profile/membership.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[Robbyv213]

Still struggling... Had a therapy session yesterday, didn't seem to really help or do much. Feeling stuck is allowing doubts to resurface as to if I'm doing the right thing.

I saw old pictures of myself the other day from a few years ago, and I legitimately miss being strong and having the muscle mass. I know it probably sounds vein but I missed the attention that I got inside and outside of the gym since I was at a point of being bigger than the average guy, and bigger than what most people would ever see unless they follow body building.

And now I'm not at a place where I dont like my body. I'm struggling since I've always had body image issues, not including the body dysphoria.

The only good thing so far is that HRT has silenced the brain fog and all the noise in my mind that would be all consuming to the point that I could not focus on anything but wanting to transition and be a woman.

But now it's nice that the fog is gone and noise is gone, and I know for a fact that if I were to stop and go back yes I could prob get that body back but then so would the noise and fog return as well.

I feel like being stuck is allowing the same old doubts come to the forefront again. And with the issues I'm having with my wife I'm sure that's fueling it as well.

Going back would not solve my marriage issues, could cause future resentment and our marriage would never be the same, if we were even able to pick the pieces up and try to start over. And I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't be right back here in a few years.

And I know stopping would really mess with my body and hormones, and id most likely end up being on trt for the rest of my life. I'd hate to stop and lose all this progress I've made (even if it's not much since estrogen works a hell of a lot slower than testosterone). I know that stopping would only prove that hrt was helping with the noise and fog and not being able to focus, which would then probably be have me wanting to get back on HRT.

I just feel I don't know who I really am. I have never been on my own long enough to figure this out. I've always been in some form of long term relationship. While most people go through a period of being alone after a break up and then use that time to figure out who they are. And the only way to do that is by separating for a few months and that's prob not long enough to do the soul searching and figure it out.

I just don't know... I wish it was easier and not so much grey area with this.

And I don't even know if I can over come all the challenges that come with transition. At least I know what to expect from my previous life.

I think my first real hurdle and or challenge will be coming in the near Future ( and by that I mean with in half a year or so) that I will be faced with having to choose transition or my marriage and stop transitioning, and the financial struggles of going from 2 incomes to just my own.

All I keep coming back to is I wish I didn't even have to make a choice. Id much rather have it out of my hands to where it was way more obvious of what path I need to take.

[Sarah B]

Hi Robby

You are carrying so much right now and thank you for trusting us with it.  Remember, you are not alone here.

Sometimes one missed session that falls flat can shake one's confidence and leave anyone doubting themselves.  It can make you wonder whether help will come through, but that does not mean you did anything wrong or that nothing can change.  I hear the grief for the strength you built and for the attention that came with it.  That does not make you vain, it makes you human.  You are allowed to miss what you once had, that made you feel powerful while also caring for the part of you that needs peace.

Your note that hormones removed the fog from your mind makes sense.  Stopping them might bring back the noise and fog that you are trying so hard to avoid.  This is why your mind feels pulled in two directions.  Feeling stuck often wakes up old doubts, especially when home life feels tense.  I cannot choose for you, but I can stay with you while you sort out what truly matters.

You can still pursue a healthy lifestyle that will project who you really are.  Strength can remain part of your story whether that means training in ways that fit your current goals.  Your body still deserves the kindness you give it, while you figure things out.

I also want to be honest that I am not the best person to advise you on the exact relationship piece since I was not in a partnership when I changed my life around.  Lori has walked more of this road.  Her wisdom is worth considering.  Others here have also travelled similar paths.  Listen to what they share.  Somewhere in their words you may find the answers you are seeking.

About the relationship itself, I hear the fear of losing it and I also hear the fear of drifting away from yourself.  You do not have to decide everything today.  Couples who work with a therapist who understands gender questions, can create space for both of you to speak honestly.  If the fit with your therapist feels off, it is okay to seek a different one.

When the noise gets too loud, try one tiny step that is fully within your control today like a gentle workout, a nourishing meal, some feminine things you like to do, writing down what you know for sure or texting a friend.  Each small act is you choosing to take care of yourself.

I am here, reading, listening.  You are not alone.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Robbyv213 @Lori Dee @Northern Star Girl

[Robbyv213]

Thank you everyone. It def was a dark few weeks. From dealing with relationship issues finally boiling over, constant effort to try to conform to what society thinks is feminine, and trying to fit myself into that box when there's no way I could ever fit. Stopped working out, stopped seeing the point of doing anything.

Finally the light has come around and it's not as dark. Things have subsided a bit between my wife and I (which I feel we both needed break from it). Decide I was no longer going try to conform to societies standards for what is believed to be feminine and what makes a woman a woman.

I went back to working out and training like I used to do before I started transitioning, and it feels great, feels right. I will never be a small petite feminine thing that most of society believes is what women should be. It is just not possible for how I am built, and I'm slowly becoming more and more ok with it.

Not that I won't ever change or evolve and goals may change and evolve, but I feel that fitness and bodybuilding are something that is part of who I am, and not something I used as a mask, and now that I see that I have noticed a big change mentally.

I know transitioning and being on HRT will force me to loose strength and muscle and that's ok, but I'm no longer going to actively try to become something that is like 99.9% not possible for me to become without causing extreme negativity health issues.

It's time to embrace who I am in all aspects physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

[Lori Dee]

It's time to embrace who I am in all aspects physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Yes! Now you have realized that the only way to happiness is to live your own truth. Working out is a great stress reliever, too. As long as you are working out, HRT is not going to cause you to lose a lot of strength. You might lose some bulk, but there are plenty of sexy female bodybuilders. There is no reason you cannot do the same. And since working out is something you enjoy, go for it!

I feel like you have reached a point where your life can move in the most positive direction. That fuels a positive attitude, which in turn helps you get through the hard times. 

[Sarah B]

Hi Robby

So good to hear the light is coming back.  Those weeks sounded rough, so I am glad things have eased a bit between you and your wife.

When I do not swim I feel out of it too.  Getting back in the water flips a switch for me, those endorphins lift the mood.  It makes sense that returning to your training helps you feel like your old self again.

I have never been one to chase social trends.  I am more the loner on the sidelines who watches, evaluates then chooses my own path, so I do not get pulled into fads or whatever easily.  Letting go on the one hand is hard, yet you are doing exactly that.

Women come in all shapes and sizes.  I knew that from the start.  I was not petite or tall.  So I figured if I got hips or larger breasts, great, if not, so be it.  I did not worry about surgical results, I got what I got, however, it turned out better than I ever bargained or dreamed of.  Sephirah often points to Floor Jansen a female rock star who hails from the Netherlands,  Jansen is over six feet (1.83 m) tall, she has said, "she does not understand the fascination with her height."  It is okay to admire what others have.  That is human.  I wish for nicer features sometimes too, but I try to stay realistic.

When you say, "It's time to embrace who I am in all aspects physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually." that is what truly matters.  If fitness and bodybuilding are part of who you are, keep them in ways that support your health, your mind, your relationships.  You do not have to fit anyone else's script to live honestly.

I am really glad you are feeling better.  Keep listening to yourself, keep taking the next kind step.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Robbyv213 @Lori Dee @Northern Star Girl