Rediscovering Pema

[Pema]

Annika, I always dreamed of being a farmer. I wanted to spend as much of my day with plants and soil and worms as I possibly could. I never had the confidence that I could succeed and survive doing it, and I also worried that if I *had* to do it I might not love it as much.

I can't say I regret that I didn't take the risk. I've had the opportunity to spend a lot of my time doing those things and, in the process, built a life where now I can do it as much as I want. But I still admire and even envy people like you who integrated their love of nature with their very survival - and that of others.

[Dances With Trees]

I always dreamed of being a farmer. I wanted to spend as much of my day with plants and soil and worms as I possibly could.

I know the feeling, Pema. When I was six years old, I fell in love with dirt (or, more technically, soil). I was fortunate to have a daughter who fell in love with flowers (they called her the 'flower girl' at farmers' markets). Those were good years.

[davina61]

I like growing veg, must get it from my mum and my grandparents . Mums dad was a gardener and always had a big veg plot and dads folks had orchard ,soft fruits and a large veg plot. Shame I dont have any garden as on 2nd floor flat! Looking forward to the runner beans from mums garden, already had some broad beans.

[Pema]

Any space on a balcony for containers, Davina? I know it's not the same at all.

[davina61]

Its an old Victorian building with sash windows, not room for a window box.

[Pema]

Its an old Victorian building with sash windows, not room for a window box.

I understand. Here we have community gardens where there's a shared space for people to plant a raised bed of their own. I've never known how one gets such a plot for themselves. I've seen some very impressive gardens in them, though.

[Pema]

We're down to our last 3 days before my mother arrives on Monday for a week-long visit (postponed from last month). It's been a somewhat frantic couple of weeks to prepare - deep housecleaning, recreating the "guest room" from a combination music/backpacking equipment room, never-ending work in the garden, trying to get a day hike in when we can, and the usual errands and life-stuff.

As I do the mindless chores, I often imagine ways of discussing my being transgender with my mother when she's here. At times I feel optimistic and at others I feel... much less so. I know that I can't predict or control how she will receive it or how the conversation will flow, and it's mostly pointless even to contemplate it in advance. Still, I do think I've come up with a few ideas that I can try. We'll have a whole week, and I expect we'll go through many phases in that time.

[Northern Star Girl]

Dear Pema:
I can feel your trepidation and anxiety that you have written about regarding your mother's visit.
Please try to handle all of the emotions and fears that you are feeling with calmness. 
You are correct that you can not control her reactions to your transgender life but you can
control how your react... display calmness, understanding, and allowing her to voice her views.

Wishing you well.  I will be looking for your updates as you feel it is appropriate to share.
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

We're down to our last 3 days before my mother arrives on Monday for a week-long visit (postponed from last month). It's been a somewhat frantic couple of weeks to prepare - deep housecleaning, recreating the "guest room" from a combination music/backpacking equipment room, never-ending work in the garden, trying to get a day hike in when we can, and the usual errands and life-stuff.

As I do the mindless chores, I often imagine ways of discussing my being transgender with my mother when she's here. At times I feel optimistic and at others I feel... much less so. I know that I can't predict or control how she will receive it or how the conversation will flow, and it's mostly pointless even to contemplate it in advance. Still, I do think I've come up with a few ideas that I can try. We'll have a whole week, and I expect we'll go through many phases in that time.

[Pema]

Thank you, Danielle. Calm is always, always my goal. My mother and I have a wonderful relationship, but she has a very narrow view of the world. I learned a long time ago to be myself and to share that self with her in a calm way. Still, it won't be easy.

More than anything, I think I hate the idea of bringing pain into her life. I think she could pretty easily come to accept me as I am, but the more difficult part will be dealing with her friends and other members of our extended family. That will all be uncomfortable for her, and I'm sorry that I'll be putting her in that position. But I will be.

[Dances With Trees]

I have no advice, Pema. My mother passed away many years ago long before I 'came out.' It would mean so much to me if I could sit down beside her and say all the things I never said before she died. Give her a hug. That type of thing. However much you choose to share with your mother and whatever her reaction might be, hugs are awesome!

[Pema]

Anni, you said you had no advice - and then you gave me advice. And it was excellent.

My mother has lived alone for more than 30 years. She's never been a physical person or even particularly affectionate. But I've seen at other times when we've been together how she responds to being touched - a hug, a shoulder rub, stroking her hair. She's probably not even aware that she loves it; I think she doesn't dare admit it.

You've reminded me to show her more affection and to be physical with her. I will hug her every day and probably more than once. I know it will seem odd to her, and that's OK. I want her to know that this is who I am.

Thank you for helping to make that clear to me.

[Dances With Trees]

Sending warm thoughts and virtual hugs your way, Pema. Hope your visit with your mother goes swimmingly!

[Pema]

Thank you, Anni. I love the new avatar with the orange lilies.

The house is as clean as ever, and we're as ready as we're going to be.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Pema
Dear Pema:
Tomorrow is Monday, July 7th ...  the day that you interface with your mother.
I trust and hope that the conversation goes well and everyone stays calm and respectful.

Along with your other followers and readers, I will eagerly be looking for your update.

HUGS, and well wishes. ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[Pema]

Thank you, Danielle. I'll definitely let you all know how it goes.

[Pema]

Last night I told my mother I'm transgender. Friends, it went better than I could possibly have imagined.

My wife was there to support me, of course. I did my best to lead into it with, "You know how I've told you this and that..." and "Remember that I've always done/preferred these things..." She was very quiet and interested and said things along the lines of "I'm just glad you're happy." After about an hour, we asked her how she felt, and she said she loved me, she'll always love me, she's glad we're both happy, and she'll have a hard time learning a new name and pronouns after 61 years, but she'll try.

I told her I was sorry that this would have the impact on her life that it will (she lives in Texas), and she said that any impact on her life will be minor. She'll tell her friends and our extended family, and if any of them respond negatively "Well, piss on 'em." Then she asked if she could hug me.

My wife and were both in tears. Amazing.

More later. I need to go spend time with my mom.

As always, I thank you all for your support and your example.

Much love,
Pema

[davina61]

Love to your mum, my mum was the same very supportive.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Pema
Dear Pema:
Thank you for your update regarding the conversation that you had with your mother....

    Really Good News !!!!

I am not sure that it could have gone any better.

HUGS and more HUGS,   ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]