Do You Call Your Childhood Self a Boy, a Girl, or Something Else?

[Arch]

Regardless of whether my audience knows about my past, I use neutral words to refer to my childhood. I don't use gendered pronouns at all--avoiding them is easy because I'm talking about myself--and instead of calling myself a girl or a boy, I say something like "when I was little" or "when I was nine" or whatever.

If I have to use pronouns, though, I use he/him/his because as far as I am concerned, I was a boy back then even if nobody knew it. I mean, if I had ever been a girl at all, EVER, I would not have needed to transition in the first place, would I? I transitioned BECAUSE I was a boy already and wanted to be perceived as one by everyone else.

How do you refer to your past self? What's your rationale, especially if you think of yourself as always having been a girl (if you are MTF) or a boy (if you are FTM)?

I'm particularly curious now because I've begun seeing a new therapist who uses "little girl" and female pronouns to refer to my past self. He has done it twice now, and he is well aware that I find it hurtful. I'm not sure why he does it, but he is not queer, nor does he specialize in gender identity issues. I'm thinking that maybe he hasn't seen things from my perspective. Anyway, I'm planning to talk to him about it soon, but I'd like a bit more ammunition for my perspective before I do.

[MaryXYX]

If it was in a context where I was stealth I would avoid gendered pronouns or names.  With the counsellor I am seeing now I refer to "My history" or "Mary's history", or for earlier times "His history" or "John's history".  I was living as male for 60+ years so that is a major part of my memories.

[Sarah B]

Hi Arch

Like you Arch, I'm the same when discussing my past even in front of my family.  It is: "When I was little," "when I was four or five," or something similar.  That is how I talk about myself to family or friends who don't know.  If I have to use pronouns I will use her or she, as they are the most common pronouns.

Why? Because I have always been a female.  Even a childhood memory tells me that I was a female (I just made the connection recently).  Even before I changed my life around I never referred to my gender, not that I can recall doing so.

I have been using those pronouns since 1989. Twenty-one years later, in 2010, I realised I was a female after joining Susan's, yet even then I rarely had to refer to my gender except on forms.

I still do not express my gender outside Susan's. There is no other rationale; using any other pronouns would feel foreign to me.

In the case of a therapist, if I were seeing one and discussion revolved around my medical condition, I would ensure they were a 'gender specialist' and I would insist that they use the right pronouns.  I would feel extremely uncomfortable if they did not.  If they persisted, then I would seek another therapist.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Arch

[Allie Jayne]

I knew I was different to those around me at 4 years old, and I couldn't identify as a boy or girl, so I have just been me all my life. When I talk about my childhood I simply don't use sex terms, and even now, I only use trans female to avoid questions and confusion for those in a binary mindset. If a therapist referred to my child self in binary terms I would correct them. I lived as me, with an obvious female side when I presented as male, and an obvious male side since I have presented as female.

Hugs,

Allie

[KathyLauren]

When I refer to my childhood, I usually say, "When I was a kid,..."  It works in most contexts, and it avoids both misleading and disclosing.

[Devlyn]

Boy. A smaller than average boy who developed a quick fuse and a drinking problem, but all boy. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[CosmicJoke]

Regardless of whether my audience knows about my past, I use neutral words to refer to my childhood. I don't use gendered pronouns at all--avoiding them is easy because I'm talking about myself--and instead of calling myself a girl or a boy, I say something like "when I was little" or "when I was nine" or whatever.

If I have to use pronouns, though, I use he/him/his because as far as I am concerned, I was a boy back then even if nobody knew it. I mean, if I had ever been a girl at all, EVER, I would not have needed to transition in the first place, would I? I transitioned BECAUSE I was a boy already and wanted to be perceived as one by everyone else.

How do you refer to your past self? What's your rationale, especially if you think of yourself as always having been a girl (if you are MTF) or a boy (if you are FTM)?

I'm particularly curious now because I've begun seeing a new therapist who uses "little girl" and female pronouns to refer to my past self. He has done it twice now, and he is well aware that I find it hurtful. I'm not sure why he does it, but he is not queer, nor does he specialize in gender identity issues. I'm thinking that maybe he hasn't seen things from my perspective. Anyway, I'm planning to talk to him about it soon, but I'd like a bit more ammunition for my perspective before I do.

I've actually been starting to ponder this myself. I am MtF but I have been starting to ponder the fact that I have always been a girl even before I "became a girl."

Sure, I grew my hair longer and started wearing dresses and makeup. I even grew breasts from estrogen therapy.

Despite all that, I was a girl. Maybe I wasn't expressing my femininity because of oppression by society, but that didn't make me less female.

I think you're completely justified in your perspective.

[Dances With Trees]

A most compelling question, Arch! My first memory related to gender was wearing one of my older sister's dresses (four years old). My second memory (five years old) is asking the neighbor girl to marry me. We sealed our engagement with a kiss. I think my early awareness of gender was in constant flux until scripting (as TanyaG eloquently describes) turned me into a 'boy'. Like so many of those who responded, I tend to refer to my childhood in gender neutral terms.

[Devlyn]

I'm just going to add that I don't want to have to force myself into a careful presentation of my memories. When I speak of the past, I am just recalling the events as they were.

I hung out with the boys. I went to vocational school, which in my day was attended by 99.99% male students. I joined the military in a combat arms MOS (16P for the curious), again in a time when that was strictly off limits to women. I worked in a foundry, at a time when women didn't.

I enjoy all of those memories. I just talk about them, and frankly if it isn't clicking for someone, I just say "That was before I transitioned". 

Hugs, Devlyn

[KathyLauren]

I joined the military in a combat arms MOS (16P for the curious), again in a time when that was strictly off limits to women.

Likewise, I was a military pilot when that occupation was strictly off-limits to women.  When I share war stories with other pilots from that era, I don't bother explaining my personal history.  It isn't relevant.  They will either notice that the dates don't jibe with the era of female pilots or they won't.  If they notice, they will either care or they won't.  If they care, they will either ask or they won't.  If they ask, I will tell them.  No biggie.  If they don't ask, we all just enjoy the story.

[Devlyn]

Likewise, I was a military pilot when that occupation was strictly off-limits to women.  When I share war stories with other pilots from that era, I don't bother explaining my personal history.  It isn't relevant.  They will either notice that the dates don't jibe with the era of female pilots or they won't.  If they notice, they will either care or they won't.  If they care, they will either ask or they won't.  If they ask, I will tell them.  No biggie.  If they don't ask, we all just enjoy the story.

As long as you're holding your hands up in the air at the proper angles while you're telling the story it's all good. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[KathyLauren]

As long as you're holding your hands up in the air at the proper angles while you're telling the story it's all good. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Hee-hee!      Yup!

[Lori Dee]

Likewise, I was a military pilot when that occupation was strictly off-limits to women.  When I share war stories with other pilots from that era, I don't bother explaining my personal history.  It isn't relevant.  They will either notice that the dates don't jibe with the era of female pilots or they won't.  If they notice, they will either care or they won't.  If they care, they will either ask or they won't.  If they ask, I will tell them.  No biggie.  If they don't ask, we all just enjoy the story.

Same here. Most people are not aware that women were not allowed in Combat MOSs, so telling them I lived on a tank for 15 years doesn't throw up any red flags. With other military or veterans, they may find it curious but quickly dismiss it. There are now women serving as Tank Commanders, but as you pointed out, they don't have enough interest to research the dates. Just sharing "war stories" is enough for them. 

[Sephirah]

Regardless of whether my audience knows about my past, I use neutral words to refer to my childhood. I don't use gendered pronouns at all--avoiding them is easy because I'm talking about myself--and instead of calling myself a girl or a boy, I say something like "when I was little" or "when I was nine" or whatever.

If I have to use pronouns, though, I use he/him/his because as far as I am concerned, I was a boy back then even if nobody knew it. I mean, if I had ever been a girl at all, EVER, I would not have needed to transition in the first place, would I? I transitioned BECAUSE I was a boy already and wanted to be perceived as one by everyone else.

How do you refer to your past self? What's your rationale, especially if you think of yourself as always having been a girl (if you are MTF) or a boy (if you are FTM)?

I'm particularly curious now because I've begun seeing a new therapist who uses "little girl" and female pronouns to refer to my past self. He has done it twice now, and he is well aware that I find it hurtful. I'm not sure why he does it, but he is not queer, nor does he specialize in gender identity issues. I'm thinking that maybe he hasn't seen things from my perspective. Anyway, I'm planning to talk to him about it soon, but I'd like a bit more ammunition for my perspective before I do.

This is an interesting question, Arch. As a kid I escaped into literature. I didn't really define myself as anything. I was literally Sebastion in "The Neverending Story." I lived through the characters I read about. So I kind of defined myself as everything and nothing. I was the people I held in my imagination. I think purely to escape real life. So... basically, everything. I was a gigantic bookworm when I was a kid. Far more than I am now, sadly. I didn't have a solid idea of who I was.

[Arch]

I didn't seem to have an awareness of my assigned sex until I was around five. Even then, I had an imaginary friend who was male, and I constantly pretended to be him and imagined myself as living his extraterrestrial life. My alter ego must have been an alien by design; I suppose I felt very alienated from the beginning. However, if someone had approached the thirteen-year-old me and asked me how I identified, I don't know what I would have said. By then, my ostensible femaleness had been hammered into me by all of society, and I kept my secret/imaginary lives a secret.

My therapist's misgendering seems to have been based on a misunderstanding, but I'm still wary. If I have to contradict him, I know what I'll say.

Thank you for the interesting perspectives and histories, especially the military ones! I wouldn't mind more . . .

[Sephirah]

Thank you for the interesting perspectives and histories, especially the military ones! I wouldn't mind more . . .

I served on subs in the Royal Navy when women were absolutely not allowed to serve in that arm of the forces. The reason they gave was weak. You could not have women on a sub because underwater, in a giant tin can, it might be dangerous. People might have a boner when they should be focusing on their job. Which is just stupid.

These days, it's changed a lot. The Dreadnaught Class of sub, from the Royal Navy, will be the first to have separate female quarters and bunks.

[Lilis]

Hey Arch,

I feel for what you're going through with your therapist referring to your past self as a "little girl," especially after you've already expressed how much that hurts.

Since you mentioned he's not queer or trained in gender identity issues, I wanted to offer a few thoughts on what might be going on, particularly in the context of inner child work and different therapeutic styles.

It's possible that this is part of an intentional "inner child" technique, but that doesn't make it okay without your consent.

It could also be unconscious bias, or even the therapist subconsciously seeking validation of their own framework.

Another possibility is that it's a misguided "therapeutic confrontation," where they're trying to provoke a reaction to surface unresolved emotions.

But the truth is, we won't know for sure unless they explain, and they shouldn't be using these kinds of tactics without discussing it with you first.

If you feel up to it, you might consider saying:

"You've used the phrase 'little girl' more than once, even though I've said it hurts."

And then asking directly:

"Is that part of a therapeutic method you're using? If so, I'd like to talk openly about why, and also be clear that, for me, it's not helping."

As for your original question: "Do you call your childhood self a boy, a girl, or something else?"

For me, it was both: a boy and a girl. That's what feels most true when I look back.

I hope this helps, and I'm wishing you clarity and strength for your next session.

Take care,

~ Lilis 💞🌷