Hi Elizabeth As you can see many members here have offered support, help, wisdom and insight from the long paths they walked to discover who they really are. From what you have shared you sound to be in a similar place. You are not alone and you do not have to walk this path alone. Susan's is a safe place to speak openly. You can read, reflect, ask questions or just breathe among people who understand.
There is no pressure from anyone here. You set the pace. You decide how fast or how slow you go. You are never too old to start, to pause or to stop. Different outcomes are valid. Some people try small steps. Others take larger ones. Others choose stability while they think. All of those choices are respected because they are yours.
You have carried these feelings for about forty years and you have noticed that they do not leave you. They sit in the background then surge forward when you least expect it. When they resurface they can hit you harder than a brick wall. Members here such as Allie Jayne and Jessica Rose have described the same pattern over many years. Many of us hoped time or effort would make the feelings fade. For most of us they did not. That is not failure. It is your inner voice asking to be heard.
Give yourself permission to explore this part of yourself in ways that feel safe and kind. You might paint your toenails or wear something that feels feminine but is not obvious. You might remove body hair or grow your hair. Choose what is right for you. Accepting who you are can bring real peace. It can lessen the conflict inside. When you stop fighting yourself you make space for calm because this is who you are and there is nothing wrong with being that way.
You wrote that you tried to step away then returned in "ten days". You also wrote, "I do not want to be a woman, that I am a woman." Many people find that this journey feels like the five stages of grief. First denial, telling yourself that life will work as a man if you try harder. Then anger at yourself or at the world when the struggle does not go away. Then bargaining, hoping that marriage or work or trying to act more macho will make the truth disappear. When those bargains collapse depression can follow with grief over time lost and fear of rejection and despair. Finally there is acceptance which brings relief and self compassion and the first steady steps toward living as yourself.
Then as some have mentioned that what you have described is Gender Dysphoria, the dysphoria is the source of the distress. The stages of grief are the pattern of emotions that people often experience as they try to come to terms with that distress and move toward living authentically. A gender aware psychologist, psychiatrist or counsellor specializing in gender identity can help you sort through this with care and skill. Professional support will not tell you who to be. It will give you a safe place to work out who you truly are.
For me personally my story is a little different. I did not suffer from gender or body dysphoria in the way others describe. Up until I changed my life around I simply felt a stronger longing or wanting to be female as the years passed. When I first changed my clothes I did not question what I was doing, I just felt, "this feels right". Later when I went on holidays and was able to live as myself more fully, I knew deep inside that I wanted more of this. There was no doubt, no questioning, only the certainty that it was right for me. I share this so you can see that there are many paths and not every story follows the same pattern. What matters is recognising what feels right for you.
It is also wise to think about your marriage with care. Whether you have told your wife or not there will come a time to talk. A therapist can help you prepare for that conversation and in some cases couples sessions help both partners to be honest in a safe way. There is no guarantee that a marriage will remain unchanged. Some couples make the journey together and others cannot. What matters is compassion and honesty for both of you as you move forward.
Please keep using this space in whatever way helps. Read member blogs if you like. Speak when you feel ready. Ask when you have questions. You do not need every answer today. You do have a community and a calm pace that is yours to set and a way forward that honors who you are. Take care and all the best for the future and remember, "you are not alone".
Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator@Elizabeth_71
