Hiya

I just need to share something with the forum.

I signed up here the Sunday before last convinced that I was Elizabeth and introduced myself. Then I became really unsure as to why I signed up.

The thing is, I have spent the last forty years convincing myself that I wasn't her.  In the main being a guy has worked out, yeah it was all pretend but I was determined to make being a guy work again. So I opted to get off of this site and start my life again. As a man.

I have lasted about 10 days.

The thing is, and I am unsure how to say this openly but here goes. The older I get the stronger the feeling gets. I don't know if it is a drop off in testosterone levels as I get older but something is not right. Every waking moment is a case of "what if".  I keep waking up at stupid O clock and waking up and being her. I want this to stop but it won't.

I have a wife but no kids. I guess that I will just carry on as things are. I am positive, things will get better 🥰

The thing is, I am genuinely at a loss as to what to do right now.

Please don't think of this as a cry for help as it is not what is intended. I just wanted to get my thoughts off of my chest and here seems to be a safe place to do so.

Ps, thanks to Northern Star Girl for help with verification. I was being monumentally stupid.

Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to what you're saying. I've been through the internal "debate" and eventually decided to stop doing that to myself and just be who I am.

We all have to find the path that's right for us. We'll be here to listen anytime you want to talk.

I wish you the very best.

@Elizabeth_71
Dear Elizabeth:
The Susan's Place Forum is exactly the right place for you to "safely" vent with other like-minded members
here and get things off of your chest.

                Please find the time to do some reading of the transition experiences posted by our
                members on the  Member Blogs  sub-forum.
    Click LINK -->  https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,326.0.html 

There is no hurry for you to do anything, the Forum is your "safe haven"

Please let me know if you have any questions, and please continue posting on the Forum as
you feel comfortable sharing.

HUGS and caring thoughts,    ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
      The Forum Administrator    Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com                                           
                                                                        cc: @Susan  @Devlyn  @Lori Dee  @Sarah B  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah

Quote from: Elizabeth_71 on Yesterday at 12:21:59 PMHiya

I just need to share something with the forum.

I signed up here the Sunday before last convinced that I was Elizabeth and introduced myself. Then I became really unsure as to why I signed up.

The thing is, I have spent the last forty years convincing myself that I wasn't her.  In the main being a guy has worked out, yeah it was all pretend but I was determined to make being a guy work again. So I opted to get off of this site and start my life again. As a man.

I have lasted about 10 days.

The thing is, and I am unsure how to say this openly but here goes. The older I get the stronger the feeling gets. I don't know if it is a drop off in testosterone levels as I get older but something is not right. Every waking moment is a case of "what if".  I keep waking up at stupid O clock and waking up and being her. I want this to stop but it won't.

I have a wife but no kids. I guess that I will just carry on as things are. I am positive, things will get better 🥰

The thing is, I am genuinely at a loss as to what to do right now.

Please don't think of this as a cry for help as it is not what is intended. I just wanted to get my thoughts off of my chest and here seems to be a safe place to do so.

Ps, thanks to Northern Star Girl for help with verification. I was being monumentally stupid.

I'll be honest I spent about 45 years "knowing" I was male even though I wanted someone to forcefully transition me. Once I was able to realize that yes indeed I was trans things just started getting worse and worse. Up until a couple of years ago I was thinking that I was non binary, I thought if I could get the surgery and pretend to be male it would be ok. Then one day after male failing a number of times I decided to go out dressed in a skirt. Very soon after that I was hooked I changed my name and except for the coldest of winter days I would dress in skirts and dresses. I'll tell you know I am so much happier now, now part of it is I haven't faced discrimination so I've been very lucky on that part.

Having to do laundry in a public laundromat I would wear black panties and womens t-shirts that would pass as male. Now that I am out and proud I only use those t-shirts when I am going to get dirty. Any male clothing that I actually still have I am gradually getting rid of. I now need to wear obviously feminine clothing otherwise I am just uncomfortable. Male clothing or even pants for the most part I just refuse to wear anymore.

Hello,

Thank you for sharing this.  I am older and I have experienced the same thing.  I have even fought, and tried to convince myself of the same thing over the last several decades.  Yet here I am.  I am married, and have kids, and worked among the most macho environments you can think of (Marines, Army, trucking, oil field, mining, construction) and yet I cannot shake the feeling I am a woman at heart.  I understand waking up, and thinking about being the wrong gender everyday.  It is a hard struggle, and very tiring.  I joined Susan's place 15 years ago, and then life happened and I got off the website.  Recently I joined back into the site, and I am glad I did. I am still coming to the reality that I have been fighting this my whole life.  Also I realize just talking about it makes it more real.  This is an amazing place to find safety, and people that understand.

Please know you are not alone, and not the only one here who is older, and struggling to accept your gender identity as real.  It is a process to get to that point, however, for me it just hit a point that I had to either accept it after all the research, or continue to fight the battles of being in the wrong gender.  For me it will be a slow process, but accepting who I truly am has brought some peace. I have found another amazing therapist that is helping me via Telehealth, and that has helped me to make sense of my gender dysphoria, and be able to talk this openly, without judgement, and someone with a genuine desire to help me. 

  Please remember you are not alone.  However, I personally understand how hard that can be, even to make the decision to state publicly how you feel.

Hi Elizabeth,

You are definitely not alone. I think we all have had our moments of questioning if this is the right path and what the consequences might be. The best advice is to listen to your inner self. She will guide you in the right direction.

If you have read my story, you will know that we shared a common path. What I learned in therapy is that the male role I was playing was just camouflage. I needed to fit in to prevent the bullying and harassment I endured because I was different.

When I was first diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria, I rejected it outright. "That's not me! I'm not one of them." It took two years of therapy to fully understand what this diagnosis meant, what being transgender means. Once I understood it, I decided that if that is me, then I will embrace it. You cannot be happy while fighting with yourself. That is the very definition of dysphoria.

You have come back to the right place. When you need to vent, we are here. We understand because we have been through it too. Hang in there. The answers will come to you if you are listening. 🙂

The only way to know for sure is to allow yourself to explore this side of yourself. You know what life is like as him. But you question, day dream, wonder, and fantasize what's life as her. And no matter what you do these feelings, thoughts and desires return.

For me no matter what I did these questions and what ifs never fully went away. They would always come back, sometimes just barely there in the background to being so consuming that I couldn't focus on anything other than feeding those thoughts questions and desires to be her.

I reached a point where I knew what life was like and if I continued down the same path I knew what life would be like in the future, and it made me sad. Sad that I know I would only be existing and not living. Eventually I had to explore this side of myself, and when I did my depression went away. My suicidal ideology subsided. I was excited to live life again and I had hope for the future and what it might bring.

Ultimately only you know when you've reached your breaking point. But the only way to know for sure is by allowing yourself to explore this side of yourself and to go down this path and see how it makes you truly feel deep down. Just pure honest feelings from your heart and soul before anything else like fear affects those feelings.

The following is a link to a YouTube video. The individual is a trans woman, and one of the best persons I've heard put into words of how I've felt. Granted not all of our experiences are the same, but for the most part we have similar stories and experiences. Anyways like I said she is one of a few that have been able to make me think a different perspective and allowed me to get past the mental road blocks. I hope it helps.

I am glad that you feel safe to talk about your feelings here.

Everyone's experience of gender dysphoria is different, but one thing that almost every story has in common is that the feeling gets stronger over time.  Most of us have felt the same way.

Of course, what, if anything, you do about it is entirely up to you.  But the reason many of us transitioned is because we realized that the feeling would not go away, but would just get stronger.

Hello Elizabeth!

You are far from alone in the experience of these feelings becoming stronger as years pass... Many of us see ourself and our development throughout our life described uncannily well in this paper in the sections where Dr Vitale speaks about Group 3 individuals

https://www.avitale.com/essays-details/?name=the-gender-variant-phenomenon--a-developmental-review-5

Onward We Go Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

Hi Elizabeth,

What you're describing is something many of us recognize. Some call it the "purge cycle": you lean into who you are for a while, then try to tuck those feelings away and recommit to living as the gender others expect. It can work for a while—until it doesn't—and the feelings return, often stronger, just as you've noticed.

"The older I get the stronger the feeling gets" is a refrain we hear often. For many of us, these feelings don't fade with time or willpower; they persist because they're telling the truth about us. That isn't a failure. It's your inner voice asking to be heard.

Those early-morning "what if" spirals can be relentless. You don't have to solve them today. If stepping back feels safer right now, that's okay. If you want to stay connected while you sort things out, that's okay too. You're welcome here in uncertainty, in exploration, in non-transition, and even in detransition🔗 — wherever you are. There's no timetable, no test, and no judgment.

It's natural to worry about how this touches your marriage. Move gently with yourself and with your wife. When you're ready, honest conversation—at your pace—can help. Many here have navigated similar terrain and can share what supported them. A gender-aware counselor can also be a useful, neutral sounding board if you ever want one.

Thank you for trusting us with something so personal, and thank you to Northern Star Girl for helping with verification. I'm glad you're here, and you will always have a place with us—whether you're reading quietly, asking questions, or just needing a safe spot to breathe.

Take good care of yourself, Elizabeth. Always remember: you're not alone.
— Susan

Hi Elizabeth

As you can see many members here have offered support, help, wisdom and insight from the long paths they walked to discover who they really are.  From what you have shared you sound to be in a similar place.  You are not alone and you do not have to walk this path alone.  Susan's is a safe place to speak openly.  You can read, reflect, ask questions or just breathe among people who understand.

There is no pressure from anyone here.  You set the pace.  You decide how fast or how slow you go.  You are never too old to start, to pause or to stop.  Different outcomes are valid.  Some people try small steps.  Others take larger ones.  Others choose stability while they think.  All of those choices are respected because they are yours.

You have carried these feelings for about forty years and you have noticed that they do not leave you.  They sit in the background then surge forward when you least expect it.  When they resurface they can hit you harder than a brick wall.  Members here such as Allie Jayne and Jessica Rose have described the same pattern over many years.  Many of us hoped time or effort would make the feelings fade.  For most of us they did not.  That is not failure.  It is your inner voice asking to be heard.

Give yourself permission to explore this part of yourself in ways that feel safe and kind.  You might paint your toenails or wear something that feels feminine but is not obvious.  You might remove body hair or grow your hair.  Choose what is right for you.  Accepting who you are can bring real peace.  It can lessen the conflict inside.  When you stop fighting yourself you make space for calm because this is who you are and there is nothing wrong with being that way.

You wrote that you tried to step away then returned in "ten days".  You also wrote, "I do not want to be a woman, that I am a woman." Many people find that this journey feels like the five stages of grief.  First denial, telling yourself that life will work as a man if you try harder.  Then anger at yourself or at the world when the struggle does not go away.  Then bargaining, hoping that marriage or work or trying to act more macho will make the truth disappear.  When those bargains collapse depression can follow with grief over time lost and fear of rejection and despair.  Finally there is acceptance which brings relief and self compassion and the first steady steps toward living as yourself.

Then as some have mentioned that what you have described is Gender Dysphoria, the dysphoria is the source of the distress.  The stages of grief are the pattern of emotions that people often experience as they try to come to terms with that distress and move toward living authentically.  A gender aware psychologist, psychiatrist or counsellor specializing in gender identity can help you sort through this with care and skill.  Professional support will not tell you who to be.  It will give you a safe place to work out who you truly are.

For me personally my story is a little different.  I did not suffer from gender or body dysphoria in the way others describe.  Up until I changed my life around I simply felt a stronger longing or wanting to be female as the years passed.  When I first changed my clothes I did not question what I was doing, I just felt, "this feels right". Later when I went on holidays and was able to live as myself more fully, I knew deep inside that I wanted more of this.  There was no doubt, no questioning, only the certainty that it was right for me.  I share this so you can see that there are many paths and not every story follows the same pattern.  What matters is recognising what feels right for you.

It is also wise to think about your marriage with care.  Whether you have told your wife or not there will come a time to talk.  A therapist can help you prepare for that conversation and in some cases couples sessions help both partners to be honest in a safe way.  There is no guarantee that a marriage will remain unchanged.  Some couples make the journey together and others cannot.  What matters is compassion and honesty for both of you as you move forward.

Please keep using this space in whatever way helps.  Read member blogs if you like.  Speak when you feel ready.  Ask when you have questions.  You do not need every answer today.  You do have a community and a calm pace that is yours to set and a way forward that honors who you are.  Take care and all the best for the future and remember, "you are not alone".

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Elizabeth_71

Hi Elizabeth,

I can relate to what you're feeling. I had the same internal debate with myself every single day until my egg cracked. I still had that gnawing feeling at the back of my
head that wouldn't go away. I'm a risk taker, and said to myself: " I'm miserable, what do I have to lose by getting on hormones?" Things will get better for you , I'm certain of it

Hugs,

Alana

I don't think dropping testosterone levels have anything to do with it. I was treated with androgens as a teenager, and it greatly increased the feelings of dysphoria. I don't know why that feeling of divergence from your true self gets worse as you get older, but it seems to be a very common thing among trans people.