Desperate to know what I have done wrong to my child

[cluelessparent]

Fortunate living in the Adirondacks. I'd love to live on Lake George.

Hugs, (and other than a couple of exceptions I rarely hug men.)

Nichole

   Why Thanks!! 

Yes, Lake G is very pretty. We're in the mountains, near Lake Placid. Gorgeous up here!! And plenty of bugs 

Oh yea, you were correct: It didn't 'come outta nowhere'. Now that I think about it, some signs should have been evident all along. I was just,,,,,well,,,,,,,to be honest,,,,,,just fricken' clueless.

thanks much

[Dennis]

Hugs, (and other than a couple of exceptions I rarely hug men.)
Nichole

can I be an exception?

Dennis

[Nero]

Hugs, (and other than a couple of exceptions I rarely hug men.)
Nichole

can I be an exception?

Dennis

oh, I'll hug you and squeeze you to death, Den. you sexy thing you. * Nero ducks as Den decks him*

[NicholeW.]

Hugs, (and other than a couple of exceptions I rarely hug men.)
Nichole

can I be an exception?

Dennis

oh, I'll hug you and squeeze you to death, Den. you sexy thing you. * Nero ducks as Den decks him*

I was going to tell you that of course you're an exception, Dennis, but it looks like Nero has the situation 'in hand!' Hmm, looks like you guys are doing just fine without me at all!!

@ Clue: Thanks for the confirmation. It hasn't been my experience that children leave GID unspoken of. But, it has been my experience that parents are less-than-willing to accept and talk about it.

As a mother, I cannot say I don't understand that. I am pleased that my children have never shown signs of having GID. I doubt I would have passed off signs as being 'a phase' or 'nothing.' I know I wouldn't have handled things the way Mommy & Daddy did. But, it's a hard thing to accept that your child is not the sex he look like he is.

All the best, Clue

Nichole

[jet3]

I was just reading this...you are an AWESOME parent! You should honestly be proud of yourself for taking the step to support your son through his transition.  A lot of parents arn't that willing. Only if there were more people like you, this world would be a better place! Good luck to you and your son both!

Jet

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I haven't read more than the OP and the first few replies.

I know that it hurts deeply to be referred to as 'she' or my legal name. If in your shoes, I would start off the process of regaining a relationship by asking what he would like to be addressed as, and making sure you use he in reference to him. It hurts far more than a cisgendered person could imagine, to be referred to as the wrong gender by your own parent, and the damage of that has obviously been done, but can be repaired.

[Sarah]

Hey Clue,
I'm jumpin in this late,
But one thing I wanted to tell you is that it isn't always a problem with you.

I did the same thing to my parrents that your son is doing to you.


Sometimes we need some space to find out ourselves and who we are.

It is realy hard to do that with parrents arround.

You might just try to realize that he will likely be back in fairly regular contact with you after a while, but it might be year or two.

I needed space. Space to think. Space to reflect.
Without my parrents influence.

The bird has to leave the nest at some point.

It will likely be back in touch and for visits, but right now it might be seeing how beautiful the world is outside of the nest, and learning what fun, thrills and dangers lie there.

Don't think it's just you, although little things like pronouns are huge things when you are on a short leash like  at times like these.

My teacher once said: "Sometimes we need to retreat, in order to advance"

We all need some space sometimes.

We all need to step back sometimes and reflect.

That isn't a mark on your character that your son may need to now.

Sara

[cluelessparent]

Thank you, not sure I deserve so many good words from you all but it sure helps.
I am just a tad more confident for our meeting tomorrow.
<fingers are crossed>

Sara, methinks that you're right. Nailed it, I think.

And tomorrow I will wish him well, tell him I love him at least 12x and send the little schitt off to San Fran
And then hope for the best.

I keep saying 'Thank You' to you guys. I really mean it.

Here it goes again
thanks....

Clueless

[Nero]

Thank you, not sure I deserve so many good words from you all but it sure helps.
I am just a tad more confident for our meeting tomorrow.
<fingers are crossed>

Sara, methinks that you're right. Nailed it, I think.

And tomorrow I will wish him well, tell him I love him at least 12x and send the little schitt off to San Fran
And then hope for the best.

I keep saying 'Thank You' to you guys. I really mean it.

Here it goes again
thanks....

Clueless

That's great. You'll do great. And I'll have Mother say a prayer for you that all goes well with your son. (mean no offense, if you're not religious)

[cluelessparent]

No worries Nero.
Intentions like that couldn't offend anyone.

thanks

[Andrew]

And man oh man,,,,,,,I always wanted a son!!!!

That's the best thing I've heard in a loooooong time. Kudos to you!

[Tea]

I moved across the country (west to east) and have to say it's the best thing in the world. There was no way I could handle being around my parents and people that I grew up with. I just wanted to find a place to hide and finally grow up. I also don't call back or email back my parents all the time, not really sure why. I haven't come out to them yet so it might be that I hate hearing how upset my moving was, or that "I will always by their son". Guess I'm just saying that moving away isn't so bad bad emotionally for your son. I feel so free to finally move forward.

Also I started crying in reading about how the you two are at least getting along. I'm just so happy, and hope that my parents will be as involved in learning about how I feel. Maybe it's time to start having some father/son bonding time? I would guess that finding out what he likes doing and see if there is a way to incorporate it in to something you do. It might also help to do some background work, find some books, and stick around here.

Oh I'm so happy, and wish you the best of luck

[cluelessparent]

Well, we all did meet today and it went very, very well.
PHEW
Everybody is happy with everybody, and even we parents are happy with his decision. We're excited for him.
His head seems to be on very straight, very well informed & aware and just plain ready to act. He's happy.
And the little schitt even has a cute girlfriend! And she is very involved with his regime.


So, it went very well.
And I even made it home in time for the kickoff.......

Nichole, I wished you well today as we cruised by L. George. (You can see glimpses of it from the highway and it looked nice in the bright winter sun)  I hope ya felt some good vibes come "from outta nowhere" today around 8:30 & 4'ish...........


Thanks all  btw- I am still reading & learning thruout the site. You folks are good to each other, I tip my hat to y'all

Clueless

[Sarah]

Cheers! Clue!

Sara

[Mario]

  I don't think you are clueless anymore. You need to know how much it will mean to your son that you are behind him. I never had that. Ever. I stopped transition 20 years ago because of the guilt I felt from hurting my mother so much. Because of that, I waited until after her death to finally do it. It has only been 2 years now since the beginning of my transition. Your son does not know how lucky he is. Your words have touched me. That is rare.

                                                Marco

[bethzerosix]

i think that my parents were concerned about me... i even think that would have been  very accepting. they tried to talk with me a couple of times but i never really opened up to them because i was unsure of my feelings and i just wanted to be normal...

clue... i  think that you are wonderful. the is one of the best posts i have ever read 

[NicholeW.]

Thanks for the good vibes yesterday, Clue. Looks like you are giving them off to a lot of folks now.

Not bad for someone who didn't known what he was doing just a couple of days ago. Sometimes wisdom arrives when we least expect it and from the direction we least expect it as well. Listening to your heart can be a pretty good thing, no?

Just remember it came from you, all that wisdom came from you.

Hugs,

N~

[TreeFlower]

My parents "say" they are supportive but still call me by my male name, say he, and my dad still calls me Bud.  Idk where Bud came from.  They even do it while we're in public.  That really ticks me off.  They're like "Well its hard to remember".  Geez! Make an effort!  Do they buy me jewelry or girl stuff for my birthday or xmas?, no.  At least when I started presenting as female they stopped inviting to all the family pick nicks, weddings, birthday parties, etc.  When are they going to figure out I want nothing to do with them?

Actually.....   My dislike for my parents goes deeper than the GID issues.  Ultimately, I think its because they never talked to me or played when I was little.  I feel I grew up alone.  They feed and reprimanded me when I was little.  That's about it.  "Hey guys.  Thanks for the food, shelter and clothing.  Now beat it."

[cluelessparent]

You folks are making me a little weepy-eyed here..................
I'm humbled by your responses.

I've learned a few things here this past week (Gawd, has it only been ONE wk? You should see all of my new grey hairs )
I have learned:
- you're compassionate people here, willing to share knowledge & emotions freely
- there can be happiness found after your transition (I did not really know this)
- it's much easier to find your way when you have solid support
- friends, not family, are most often the key supporters

But don't naturally assume that your parents are gonna not understand, not accept, not care.  Just continue to give them the opportunity to love you, know you, and know how you feel and what causes you pain.  Then the ball is in THEIR court and they'll have the chance to respond PROPERLY, to the CORRECT ISSUES. (This problem applied to our situation anyway, I am not saying that it does to yours.)

Ya see: It's real easy for us to be clueless, cuz we basically think you're almost perfect just as you are!  And we think "ok, I am not always perfectly happy myself, yet I survive, almost thrive,,,,,,therefore my kid's troubles may not be so extreme". "I will wait and see"
And, clearly, we are often wrong - so stay in our faces and try again. Throw us a crumb once in a while so that we know that ya don't just hate us. Do ya have any idea how much time Mrs Clueless and I have spent wondering how we could have made our kid so PO at us??? Jeez Louise........

Yuppers - We parents are clueless , but we love you.  Capitalize on that.


Nichole - got your message but I cannot PM backatcha.   
You're just terrific.  And you're right, and I will get that message out as well as I am able to.
If you have any suggestions as to where & how other than just thruout my daily life, I'd like to spread that word a little farther.

Got to run - actually supposed to be working today
<can you imagine?>

Have a great day
Still Clueless, but I'm working on it.

[Susan]

6 more posts and you will be able to pm! It really comes faster than you expect