I think most of us have struggled against it before accepting. But Alice, I've never seen anyone struggle so hard with herself out in the open. My two cents' worth: You are obviously dying to break free of male identity, and at the same time fighting just as hard against yourself to keep it bottled up. I don't know how long a person can keep going like that without tearing herself in two, I'm starting to get a little worried.
Your struggles with yourself are the starkest illustration I've seen yet of a saying one of my girlfriends came up with: I am my own jailer. I have the key to my freedom.
Based on not just my own experience, but the collective experiences of so many others who have fought against it and then surrendered, I think it's a foregone conclusion that, however determined you are to fight it, you will surrender eventually. I just hope you don't tear yourself to shreds in the struggle.
I'm not bustin on you, honey-- I also forced myself to bottle it up for so many years--it's just that I've never seen anyone keep on fighting so hard even after the battle had become obviously futile. By the time I went online about it, I had resigned myself to being trans and committed to dealing with it. But you're going through this fight with yourself in public. Your latest development reads to me like a pretty strong indication that you won't be able to keep fighting it much longer.
Imagine how relieved you'll feel to finally give in and accept it.
