I suck at beeing a man

[Aurora Polaris]

Hope you understand me (english isn´t my first language).

Hi,
I just realized I suck at beeing a man. I´m not good at this at all.

I have tried (a lot) to be a straight guy having relationsship with women and failed miserably. I just can´t do whatever men do. Most of the time I know what women wants from me as a guy but I can´t do it, it´s wrong. My brain allways stops me. it´s like it saying "you are faking it".

Everytime I failed with a woman I convinced my self that I´m gay but it doesn´t feel right beeing with a man who is interested in guys even though I´m attracted to men.

It has been like this all my life and it´s driving me nuts. I don´t want to feel like I´m a weird visitor from another planet. I want to be part of a social content where I can be whatever I am.

A year ago I started seeing a shrink mainly because I had started to withdraw my self from friends and social life (but I had/have no problems socializing at work, I´m a projectmanager = It´s a big part of my job talking to people). After a while I realized that I have issues that I have to deal with.

Somewhere inside of me there´s a feminine side/female but I don´t know if it´s really me or a part of me. I know that when I close my eyes and picture myself I see a woman and that´s weird because I can´t remember that I ever wanted to be a girl as a child. I was just a oversensitive looner who tried to do what the other guys did just to fit in and not get beaten. I was´nt really interested in doing boyish things or girl stuff I just felt like a weirdo.

I have started to think about myself as 50/50. I have to bring out my feminine side in some way. In some situations where I feel safe or forget to control my voice and body language I act out as really girly. The male "character" seems more and more fake, I don´t like to see myself in the mirror having a guy staring back at me.

It´s a bit strange confronting myself at the age of 34 but I just can´t allow myself living the rest of my life as a halfhuman.

[funnygrl]

Welcome to susan's Aurora!!!

I can totally relate to you're post. I'm 38 and felt it was too late to even look into what I was feeling. I have been in therapy since Oct. 07' and even though I had always felt that I was a girl I know it's true now

I guess I knew @ a very early age, 6 yrs. old actually and of course back then there wasn't anything I could do about it, especially being brought up in a conservative religious family.

Anyways, I hope that you will find the support and information you need here @ susan's, I think you will love it here myself!!! Good luck.

[lady amarant]

Hi Aurora, good to have you at Susan's!

Just because you didn't identify as a girl when you were a child, it doesn't mean you're not trans. Then again, maybe you're not - perhaps you are a person with a very strong anima (female side of your spirit) or perhaps you are gender queer or or or - don't try to paint yourself into a box too soon. This is a road of discovery, and kudos for having the guts to finally start walking it!

[debbie.j]

hiyea Aurora Polaris i think you will like it here at susan,s there is a lot of great people here. 

[Wing Walker]

Hello, Aurora Polaris, and welcome to Susan's.

Let yourself relax while you're here.  Ask questions, tell your story, see what responses you get.  There are many kind and wise people here so you have come to a good place to learn and grow.

Be well, stay well, and please don't judge yourself so harshly.

Wing Walker

[Pica Pica]

I just can´t allow myself living the rest of my life as a halfhuman.

that's a thought i remember. I tell you now that all this discussion on this site has helped me realise I am a whole human, if nothing else, I hope you get that. welcome.