So, when do you tell...

[lady amarant]

Okay, so you've been full-time, maybe even post-op for a while now. You pass pretty-much perfectly, your old life as a member of the opposite sex is little more than a bad memory...

Then Cupid comes along, uses your butt for target practice, and you are smitten. Problem is, they're straight, just that bit less open-minded than they think they are...

You get the scenario.

So when do you tell, if at all? If pre-op, do you just claim abstinance until you can sneak away to have some surgery, or if post-op, simply hope it never comes out? Do you tell, and if so when. Give it enough time, and they might just realise that their prejudice is damn-silly, but wait too long and its a betrayal, or tell too soon, and they just run-off...

Or do you decide to take up celibacy and start meditating three times a day?

[deniz]

honey. have i inspired your question???well you know me:) i do not think i will ever tell.I used to and the results had never been good. however not everyone wants to do this.some others can not(due to passing completely)

[lady amarant]

honey. have i inspired your question???well you know me:) i do not think i will ever tell.I used to and the results had never been good. however not everyone wants to do this.some others can not(due to passing completely)

Well, I have been giving it a lot of thought lately - this morning my electrologist and I were talking about a client she used to have, who had been married for fifteen years and then it came out - the poor woman had her entire life ripped apart, because her husband proceeded to ruin her career, divorced her and left her with nothing. It's a difficult call that I'm going to start facing sooner or later as well, and I honestly don't know how I would react, for all my principled talk about being open and honest with the other person.

[SarahFaceDoom]

Third date.  Tell them on the third date.  That way you still have some fun.  You get to know each other a little bit.  And then on the third date you tell them.

I couldn't love someone who I was holding such a big secret over.  A relationship is about trust and loving everything about another person even their flaws, if it's going to work.  So if you're with someone who won't love you when they find out that you are trans, then they don't really love you in my book. 

[deniz]

WELL, i would never have gone so far(i mean marriage) .even if you tell you can not have children, you always have responsibilities and obligations towards your husband.(also leggaly) .but a long lasting love affair is sth else. i know it is very hard to say no to a marriage proposal but it is the only way. Be cruel, be a monster if necessary. but never say yes to a marriage. Because once they find out you will face their monster inside...
i will make love affairs, but since i am not natal i can not get married being stealth,since happy endings hardly take place.
then agaIn, if i end up with someone for 7-8 years  i might get the urge to reveal my secret. i don't know.i am so confused.but i am str8 ts woman, and once my secret is out i am nothing but a ->-bleeped-<-got with boobs.But men are wonderfull to women.and since i feel and i look like one , why ruin the wonder:)

[lady amarant]

and once my secret is out i am nothing but a ->-bleeped-<-got with boobs

Take that back!!! You are not. Stop talking about yourself like that. You are a woman, secret out or not.

[soldierjane]

First I'd avoid hanging out with men who are not open minded enough to handle it. The definition of Mr. Marvelous (at least for me) doesn't include close-minded men.

Suppose you do hang out with someone like that though:
If preop, before sex or never (just invent a pretext and leave him, it'll save you tears and pain in the long run and possibly deliver you from violence)
If postop, as soon as stuff starts to get more serious (L-word pops up). No later, for the sake of both of you.

[Sarah]

I would tell right away.
I don't like the whole dating strangers thing.
I prefer it be someone I already know, and for them to show some interest on thier own.
I try to be open and honest about it.
That way there's no hang ups later in that area.

Sara.

P.S. I think sarahface's advice was good if you are dating. 3'rd date.

[Alison]

My advice is tell earlier rather then later... I'd also say putting a time limit on is needless pressure, don't worry about HAVING TO TELL on such and such date, just tell them while it's still early...   Basically my opinion is that if they would break up or not date you because of the knowledge, you don't want to be with them anyway...  You want someone to love you for who you are, everything in your past... not just certain parts.

[Natasha]

hubby knows (long time friend that knows me from before).  yet it's my decision if i want to tell people.  if my situation were different, i wouldn't say a thing.

[KarenLyn]

Before the first date. If they're so shallow that it's a problem, I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship with them anyway.
As for anyone I don't plan on being intimate with, it's none of their business how I started out life so I don't feel obligated to tell them.

just my 2¢

Karen Lyn

[Keira]

But, before the first, or even third date, why should you reveal your deapest secret to a total stranger, or a quasi stranger?

Do you go revealing you've been arrested for shoplifting on a first date?
Do you tell your date you've had a quadruple bypass and may keel over at any time on the first date?
Do you tell tell your date that every women in your family had breast cancer before 30 and they all had to have a mastectomy.
I could go on and on and on with similar things you wouldn't say until far into the relationship.

I think that if your post-op, its only societal latent homophobia and the implied treat of violence
that would force you to tell. A pretty sad state of affairs. It actually would sicken me to have to tell up front before a person even knows me because its such a big thing and I'd want them to know me a bit more before uploading this on their lap.

Also, most people here at least kiss a guy they like on a first date.
Why should I tell that guy anything! Is that the price I've got to pay for being me!!!
Anyway, just a bit discouring to even think about it.

[Hypatia]

a client she used to have, who had been married for fifteen years and then it came out - the poor woman had her entire life ripped apart, because her husband proceeded to ruin her career, divorced her and left her with nothing.

Horrors. How exactly did it come out?

Stealth in a marriage or long-term relationship is feasible as long as you can identify every possible way you could be outed, and ensure that none of those ways will ever happen. In the old days they used to tell TSs to move to a new state and destroy all evidence of the past, maybe even concoct evidence of a different past in the right gender. If you lucked into a Witness Protection Program, the state would set up a lot of the identity infrastructure for you...

[SarahFaceDoom]

But, before the first, or even third date, why should you reveal your deepest secret to a total stranger, or a quasi stranger?

Um, because it's not my deepest secret.  I don't have a deepest secret.

Renate

Exactly.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  It's not like you've committed a crime as in Kiera's example.  If someone doesn't accept you, that's on them.  I only say the third date really, because  getting into the habit of saying it as the first thing out of your mouth constantly puts you on the defensive before you've even met the person.  And it usually takes a couple dates before you can figure out if the person is even worth knowing.

I think it just varies depending on the person and situation and where things are going.  It's something you can kind of have a feel of.

If anything trans should be a bonus.  Even if we're sometimes not fitting into set aesthetics for either gender--our range of experiences mean that we probably have common ground somewhere with either gender we choose to date.  There's insight and empathy to share there to some degree.  Which I think can sharpen more relationships than anything.  But what do I know, I'm single

[tinkerbell]

This is a quote from a long time ago:

I don't usually discuss my past with people at work (I don't know if they know, and I really don't care if they do)  or people I just meet, but if someone asks me an honest question about my life, I will certainly tell them the truth. 
As far as telling someone in a relationship, well... in my opinion, that's something different, and I think a boyfriend deserves to know everything about the person s/he is romantically involved with.   

Tink

I have never encountered such situation.  My ex-boyfriend knew because we had met in "my previous life", and he basically helped me out through my transition.  My current boyfriend knows because he's also TS; however, if I were in a different situation with a different guy who didn't know about my past, I would definitely tell him the truth.

tink

[Keira]

Its not the telling I'm annoyed at,
its having to tell before any physical
contact (which often happens early,
at least kissing does).

What happens if I only tell on the 5th date,
get killed, get outed, get harassed,
get dumped, etc.

Normally, you get to know someone real
well before telling that kind of background.
What if I'm 10 years post op and for me its
the deep past, why should I feel obliged to
drag back something that's no longer relevant
to who I am now (some wil say your always TS...
Don't even get me started on that point...).

[Wing Walker]

But, before the first, or even third date, why should you reveal your deapest secret to a total stranger, or a quasi stranger?

Do you go revealing you've been arrested for shoplifting on a first date?
Do you tell your date you've had a quadruple bypass and may keel over at any time on the first date?
Do you tell tell your date that every women in your family had breast cancer before 30 and they all had to have a mastectomy.
I could go on and on and on with similar things you wouldn't say until far into the relationship.

I think that if your post-op, its only societal latent homophobia and the implied treat of violence
that would force you to tell. A pretty sad state of affairs. It actually would sicken me to have to tell up front before a person even knows me because its such a big thing and I'd want them to know me a bit more before uploading this on their lap.

Also, most people here at least kiss a guy they like on a first date.
Why should I tell that guy anything! Is that the price I've got to pay for being me!!!
Anyway, just a bit discouring to even think about it.

Excellent advice and very well written, Keira.

Wing Walker