Well, the L.A. Marathon was fun, what I saw of it. I walked 3 miles to get to it (I was exercizing, Alice!). Wore my water bottle but didn't really need it -- it was a coolish day with big fluffy white clouds in a bright blue sky. It was good to get out. I ended up walking through a newish shopping mall called "The Grove" which looks a lot like a trendy main street in anytown, USA. The stores range in architecture from Art Deco to warm traditional to L.A. modern. I stopped in the Apple Store and ended up listening to three lectures on various new software. It's truly MAGICAL! I sat in awe of how easy it is! I just bought an Intel iMac a few weeks ago and, upon going home (3 miles back), tried the new stuff. In no time at all, I arranged photos in iPhoto, created a website on iWeb, and uploaded it to my new .Mac website (I'd never done any of those things before this). I only cite the above to show how getting out got me interested in new things. It's the best recipe for getting rid of the crap I was dealing with at the beginning of this post.
Thanks for the good wishes, KAREN, and the suicide website. Actually, I've checked various suicide websites before this and so know a lot of what was said on yours. No, I haven't planned on any way to do it. As I said, ALL ways are disgusting to me. Probably that disgust and my love for not wanting to hurt my ex or my best friend are the strongest reasons I'll never do it. Oh, I may ponder somewhere down the line but it's like the bank guard daydreaming of knocking off the bank. It ain't gonna happen. Other careers in editing are possible but, as you say, probably will pay less than my old union wages. Hey, at least I'm not half way through a career at General Motors. There are times when I'm happy that I'm not younger. I sometimes wonder if we're creating a hidden nationwide mass of jobless people (because everyone's home, unemployed) - today's slightly different version of "Grapes of Wrath." 4% unemployment? Yeah, right.
ANDY, yes. I got out of the house, like you suggested. Okay, I'll try the steaming baths and talking to strangers. Movie-wise, though, I seem to be fine with what's on TV or on my DVD's. News and the Discovery channels are also something that's always interested me. Astronomy shows (Galileo, planets, space exploration), in particular, have always fascinated me. Other than the show, "24," I watch little dramas or sitcoms. I can't believe how exciting "24" is - amazing! (I'm just showing you, ,again, I have interests!)
LOE - We've had quite a few posts on the angst of transitioning while married. Under "Transsexual Talk," go to "Male to Female Transsexual Talk (MTF)" - try posts "A U-Turn In Transitioning," "Fearing Transition," or "OCD and GID." All had good discussions. You have my deepest sympathy. I wish you good luck, no matter which is your choice, transitioning or not transitioning.
HELEN, nice flowers! Thanks for the birthday wishes. Your flowers reminded me that, before transition, I'd never received any (funny people often don't think to send flowers to guys). I saved those buds, given to me by my best friend, my "womantor" (opposite of "mentor"). I thank you for what you said but would add I am, daily, very impressed with the caliber, intelligence, humor and wit that make up the posts here at "Susan's." If anyone wonders whether TS's are smarter in many ways compared to most, they need only to look here. I'm honored to be part of "Susan's" family.
As you can probably tell, I'm in a much better mood than yesterday. Most of the time I am generally a happy person. A thought occured to me tonight. It's only four more days 'till my best friend gets back from her Bali trip. There will be hugs and good tears. I guess that's a risk, too, when you love someone. After college, as I mentioned, I was on my own for years, alone, with no problem. I even took a six week train trip back and forth across the U.S. alone. In those days, I didn't really know what a hug felt like. My family was not a hugging type. We never said "love you!" when going to work.
Care of my best friend, I learned to love hugging and even just leaning against her. As some of you have heard me mention, a hormone, oxytocin, is given off when people touch and hard SCIENCE tells us that the hormone gives people two sensations: Peace and happiness. The suicidal stuff scares me when it happens but, like other dangers in the world, I've gradually learned to control it by cognitavely thinking about it. It's a horrible habit that revisits me on rare occassions when a lot of bad things happen at once. The best ways out of that dank rabbit hole is by realizing the disguisting waste it would create and thinking of my best friend...
And that hug she's WAY overdue in giving to me. Though I can't reach you all, know that you've been a huge help - a blessing - to me. And know that I'm hugging each of you back. Thanks for caring.
Teri Anne
