Well, the L.A. Marathon was fun, what I saw of it.  I walked 3 miles to get to it (I was exercizing, Alice!).  Wore my water bottle but didn't really need it -- it was a coolish day with big fluffy white clouds in a bright blue sky.  It was good to get out.  I ended up walking through a newish shopping mall called "The Grove" which looks a lot like a trendy main street in anytown, USA.  The stores range in architecture from Art Deco to warm traditional to L.A. modern.  I stopped in the Apple Store and ended up listening to three lectures on various new software.  It's truly MAGICAL!  I sat in awe of how easy it is!  I just bought an Intel iMac a few weeks ago and, upon going home (3 miles back), tried the new stuff.  In no time at all, I arranged photos in iPhoto, created a website on iWeb, and uploaded it to my new .Mac website (I'd never done any of those things before this).  I only cite the above to show how getting out got me interested in new things.  It's the best recipe for getting rid of the crap I was dealing with at the beginning of this post.

Thanks for the good wishes, KAREN, and the suicide website.  Actually, I've checked various suicide websites before this and so know a lot of what was said on yours.  No, I haven't planned on any way to do it.  As I said, ALL ways are disgusting to me.  Probably that disgust and my love for not wanting to hurt my ex or my best friend are the strongest reasons I'll never do it.  Oh, I may ponder somewhere down the line but it's like the bank guard daydreaming of knocking off the bank.  It ain't gonna happen.  Other careers in editing are possible but, as you say, probably will pay less than my old union wages.  Hey, at least I'm not half way through a career at General Motors.  There are times when I'm happy that I'm not younger.  I sometimes wonder if we're creating a hidden nationwide mass of jobless people (because everyone's home, unemployed) - today's slightly different version of "Grapes of Wrath."  4% unemployment?  Yeah, right.

ANDY, yes.  I got out of the house, like you suggested.  Okay, I'll try the steaming baths and talking to strangers.  Movie-wise, though, I seem to be fine with what's on TV or on my DVD's.  News and the Discovery channels are also something that's always interested me.  Astronomy shows (Galileo, planets, space exploration), in particular, have always fascinated me.  Other than the show, "24," I watch little dramas or sitcoms.  I can't believe how exciting "24" is - amazing!  (I'm just showing you, ,again, I have interests!)

LOE - We've had quite a few posts on the angst of transitioning while married.  Under "Transsexual Talk," go to "Male to Female Transsexual Talk (MTF)" - try posts "A U-Turn In Transitioning,"  "Fearing Transition," or "OCD and GID."  All had good discussions.  You have my deepest sympathy.  I wish you good luck, no matter which is your choice, transitioning or not transitioning.

HELEN, nice flowers!  Thanks for the birthday wishes.  Your flowers reminded me that, before transition, I'd never received any (funny people often don't think to send flowers to guys).  I saved those buds, given to me by my best friend, my "womantor" (opposite of "mentor").  I thank you for what you said but would add I am, daily, very impressed with the caliber, intelligence, humor and wit that make up the posts here at "Susan's."  If anyone wonders whether TS's are smarter in many ways compared to most, they need only to look here.  I'm honored to be part of "Susan's" family.

As you can probably tell, I'm in a much better mood than yesterday.  Most of the time I am generally a happy person.  A thought occured to me tonight.  It's only four more days 'till my best friend gets back from her Bali trip.  There will be hugs and good tears.  I guess that's a risk, too, when you love someone.  After college, as I mentioned, I was on my own for years, alone, with no problem.  I even took a six week train trip back and forth across the U.S. alone.  In those days, I didn't really know what a hug felt like.  My family was not a hugging type.  We never said "love you!" when going to work.

Care of my best friend, I learned to love hugging and even just leaning against her.  As some of you have heard me mention, a hormone, oxytocin, is given off when people touch and hard SCIENCE tells us that the hormone gives people two sensations:  Peace and happiness.  The suicidal stuff scares me when it happens but, like other dangers in the world, I've gradually learned to control it by cognitavely thinking about it.  It's a horrible habit that revisits me on rare occassions when a lot of bad things happen at once.  The best ways out of that dank rabbit hole is by realizing the disguisting waste it would create and thinking of my best friend...

And that hug she's WAY overdue in giving to me.  Though I can't reach you all, know that you've been a huge help - a blessing - to me.  And know that I'm hugging each of you back.  Thanks for caring.

Teri Anne

Hey Teri Anne,

Glad to see you are in a better mood. There is nothing like getting out and doing some exericse. I did 90 minutes on my bike today and even though I was a bit sore from my race last Saturday it was just nice to be out instead of at the office.

We all have days when we are not feeling the best. I now think of the words one of my friends SMSed my last week when I was having a bad time. She wrote "Do not be too hard on yourself. Life is a Journey and being happy and living life to the fullest is what we all aim for. But it is an ongoing process and all we can do is try our best and learn as we go. It is not easy everyone struggles along sometimes. Just gotta keep at it." Maybe these words can help you as well. We only have one life so we should get out and enjoy while we can.

Alice

Teri Anne,

I've just joined this forum in the last few weeks, and I want you to know how much I have appreciated reading your thoughts, advice, and cautions. You have a tremendous capability to find the heart of what someone else is feeling and offer caring, thoughtful suggestions. I am greatly impressed by your compassionate and logical responses. I'm glad you are feeling better now. Please remember how valued you are to others around you and how important the gifts you have are.

You are truly a beautiful woman.

Steph

Thank you, Alice and Steph, for the kind words.  I will enter escrow on the sale of my place tomorrow -- but, of course, there is always the chance of it dropping out of escrow for 3 million+ reasons so I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much.  Selling my place and lack of work are the two biggies as far as TENSION in my life.

As I reread the stuff I've written in this thread I guess I won't take any of it back or revise it.  There is a certain embarrasment about revealing your inside feelings to others.  Before, I was a just a helpful TS.  Now, I'm still a helpful TS but you know my weaknesses.  Sometimes, I read the beginning posts of this thread and think, "Who is this wailing weakling?"  Other times, I see the hurt and know a lot of it is inescapable, given the life I've lived.  I still will have times of depression so I don't mean to imply ever that my problems are over and it's clear sailing from this point on.  I will have to be on GUARD to letting my emotions pull me down.  I'm hopeful that my future up north will ease some or most of my tensions and will be able to pursue a happier life.  No guarantees.  But that's where my sail is tacked.

Again, thank you for help and kindness.

Teri Anne

^{*smiles and hugs Teri Anne*}

We are all patchwork dolls...

Teri Anne,

I am new here and we don't know each other. I was deeply affected by your post. I could offer sympathy, even empathy. I could say how sorry I am that you ever had to feel that way. I could offer you hugs and wish upon you a thousand happier moments. I could, with earnest and love in my heart, say and do all of these things and more. But that is not what I thought as I read through this thread.

I want to say thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your truthfullness, your disclosure, your vulnerability. Thank you for being afraid to be afraid. Thank you for having doubts. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being you.

No one should ever have to feel this way. But I have. And obviously so have many others. All our situations are different, unique, special. Part of life involves pain no matter who we are, and that pain, for all of us, all humans, often stems from something deep inside that the world around us has absolutely no comprehension of. Yet we are not alone, not any of us, no matter how different or unique or special. While it may seem strange, I read your words with a gladness in my heart. I read your words of extreme sorrow and saw in them a committment to life. I am practically in tears just thinking about this, and I want to thank you for your bravery, for your willingness to address the uncomfortable and the terrifying. I want to thank you for not simply crumbling away into despair. I want to thank you for not giving up.

I want to thank you for living. For being you.

Hope for the flowers,
Madison

Thanks for the smiles and hugs, Kimberly -- hugs and smiles, back at ya!

Madison, wow!  What a nice letter.  Thank you.  I think being honest and open is partly (1) a need to break through the BS and isolation that most of us have (2) a need to put my feelings on paper (rather than just think about them) and (3) the novelist and biographer-side of me coming out - You can't be half-hearted when you write, otherwise there's still distance.

It's a shame that society makes us feel guilty about our differences.  In another post, a bi-woman lamented how she keeps quiet about what she is because she's learned that much of society doesn't understand or approve.  If a bi can think oppressed thoughts like that, imagine what TS's must face where, at the beginning of transition they are somewhat FORCED to come out to coworkers and family as part of RLT.  And, as we start, we don't look as feminine at the beginning.  It's a tough road and it's surprising so many of us come out alive.

Thank you again for your wonderful letter, Madison.  I'll treasure it.

Hugs, Teri Anne

Depression can be overwhelming. I speak from experience. Over the past year i have been up and down with my mood to the point where i actually stopped what was a very progressive transition. I just felt i did not have what it took to go on anymore. From nov-feb I isolated myself from both family and friends and lived in total seclusion except for work.
Being a emotional overeater of course in this time i packed on weight which made me more depressed.
Most people in my life do not have a clue about transsexuals they think more so its about the clothing and thats it. Where i live i am the only transsexual i know. Life is crazy and sometimes i wonder when its all going to end.