Coming out to friends

[Nero]

Well a little while ago, my best friend guessed my secret and asked a few questions, but I was caught off guard and not ready to open up other than to say, "No, I'm not getting a fake one."
He's incarcerated, so we haven't had an opportunity to discuss it until his phone call today.
He wasn't the least bit surprised and was very accepting. He said, "We're best friends. You're the same person you've always been. I always wondered why we think so much alike."
He wants to help me through this all the way. He'll be out in a few months, so I'll have his support. He even wanted to assist me in telling my mom, but I don't know about that yet.
I'm very relieved to know I still have my best friend.
Not sure about another close friend of mine, though. He's an extreme homophobe. So much so, that he used to call my house while I was out to harass a gay friend who was staying with me. This put me in an awful position. Having two guys I've known since high school hate each other. I defended my gay friend, but he felt betrayed that I would even remain on speaking terms with the homophobe.
I'm wondering now if I should give my homophobic friend a chance to accept me or should I cut ties with him all together before transition. We've been very close in the past, but since coming to terms with this, I've been distancing myself from him. I would be very hurt to discover that my friend of over a decade never really liked the real me. He's cool with lesbians, but hates gays, and I don't know what his views are on transsexuals - he probably just assumes it's a gay thing.
Should I give him a chance or is his intolerance a sign that he won't be accepting? He's already damaged my relationship with someone dear to me, my gay friend.

Nero

[Melissa]

First of all, I would give him a chance to be a good friend.  If you just cut ties with him, you may have lost a potential supporter.

Second of all, this doesn't sound like a very good friend to keep if he's already caused you some damage and dislikes you just because of who you are, so the risk isn't as great.  That being said, I would go ahead and tell him.  If he thinks it's a gay thing, he'll see you as a lesbian and still be cool with that.

Melissa

[Chynna]

Not sure about another close friend of mine, though. He's an extreme homophobe. So much so, that he used to call my house while I was out to harass a gay friend who was staying with me.

I'm wondering now if I should give my homophobic friend a chance to accept me or should I cut ties with him all together before transition.

Should I give him a chance or is his intolerance a sign that he won't be accepting? He's already damaged my relationship with someone dear to me, my gay friend.

Nero

I believe everyone deserve at least a chance if not 2 or three...and honestly it sounds like MR. Man may have some sexuality issues himself...
(Generalizing: most men who are homophobic is because there in denial or affraid they might be Homosexuals themselves)

But more than likely he'll just view you as a leisbian with his narrowminded perceptions.

But I think the moron..excuse me MR. Man deserves at least the choice or chance in this case especially if you value and truly call him a friend.

Chynna

[Luc]

Nero, I've been in the same position numerous times. Last year I told my friend Brian that I felt like a guy, and despite the fact that he's accepting of gay men and lesbians, he decided I was just crazy and delusional. He said that somehow, I must have gotten it into my head (as a child) that I was male, even though I wasn't, and that it was probably to compensate for some other shortcoming, and then persisted into adulthood, so now I was just suffering from that childhood delusion. All I needed to do, he said, was start trying to accept myself as a woman, start dressing like one, and acting like one, etc, and maybe even dating guys, and I'd be okay. Any time I tried to bring up the issue after that, he just blew it off or started a fight. I didn't exactly lose him as a friend, though that might have been better than the reaction he gave me. I guess you just don't know until you talk to people... and I'm of the mind that if someone doesn't accept me as I truly am, they don't deserve my friendship. I realize that's callous, and difficult to do with longtime friends like yours, but you never know. I'd say just test the waters first... try to figure out what his views on TSs are before you actually admit to it. You might be pleasantly surprised, or you might get a reaction like Brian gave me... going all Freudian, when I'm the one who's a psychologist. Anyway, good luck in whatever you do.

Rafe

[Nero]

Thanks Melissa, Chynna, and Rafe.

[sheila18]

Nero: I agree with Chyna sounds like your homophobe friend may fear being gay himself, just speaking from experience.  If that is the case he is not ready to accept gayness too close, see you are too close and as best friends you are like him, too close. Just be his friend and listen to him especially when he talks about his lesbian friends , see that is his cry for help but don't out him....just wait one day he'll tell you what his journey  is all about.
  I mean don't hide your life from him but if there is no need to press the issue don't, soon enough time will conspire to present the perfect opportunity.
  See years ago I used to believe what I was told that the right way to come out was to go and confess your sins type of deal, I know now that that is not always the best method  and perhaps is time that you came out to your self about the relity of your friendship with this person... "I've been distancing myself from him. I would be very hurt to discover that my friend of over a decade never really liked the real me."
My question is what was his motive for staying friends with somebody that hated what you really are... sounds like you have caring and forgiving streak in you and he was ironically atracted to you.  Gotta love it, seems that you are the better person in this.
love, sheila

[Melissa]

I used to be a homophobe in highschool more due to the fear that one of them may hit on me.  Now I have had some of them hit on me, but I didn't realize that they are just as scared of hitting on straight people as the reverse.  For me personally, I think it may have stemmed from an unconscious fear of being seen as male.  Now I'm friends with many gay men.  It's really kind of ironic.

I think actually getting to know gay men can really help; you soon realize that they are some of the friendliest guys you will ever meet.  I actually became friends with some gay men a while before I came out of denial as TS.  I'm so glad I did, because I think it helped with coming out of denial.

Melissa

[umop ap!sdn]

I used to know a guy (through instant messenging) who was very accepting of gays but when I told him what I am he wouldn't hear it. He basically said "lol ur gay" and kept starting conversations with "hey man what's up".  Finally I got tired of it and removed him from my friends list.

And this is someone who considered himself a hippie, didn't like living in the south because of prevailing attitudes, and disliked the flak that bigots were giving him for something unrelated.

[Luc]

Yeah... that's something I really don't get. Homosexuality is such a controversial topic in the world right now, with many people protesting and still others advocating gay marriage, but that's all an issue of sexuality... and I guess, somehow, people are more tied to their beliefs about personal identity and outside appearance than they are to societal norms of sexuality.

One might think, however, that the Bible-thumpers out there could have no real objection to transsexualism... after all, I know the Bible, and there's nothing condemning being yourself (though, of course, it doesn't specify whether you might have to rebel against your outside to become yourself). Just think, though, of something like leprosy in Biblical times.... It made people look hideous on the outside, but they were healed for who they were inside. Obviously, there is evidence that often, people are not who they look like on the outside, and that it's what's inside that counts (clicheed, but oh well).

I'm not trying to evangelize here, but seriously... it may be the other way around. Maybe the majority of people who are accepting of homosexuals aren't accepting of transsexuals because it goes against their beliefs that people are who they look like. I don't know. All I know is that my one friend who is very supportive and accepting of my being TS is a lesbian, but she also knows that people's identities come from the inside. I think that's the heart of the problem, and if someone is capable of seeing you for who you truly are, inside, it shouldn't matter to them that you're not okay with your outside.

Rafe

[sheila18]

Yeah... that's something I really don't get. Homosexuality is such a controversial topic in the world right now,
... and I guess, somehow, people are more tied to their beliefs about personal identity and outside appearance than they are to societal norms of sexuality.
One might think, however, that the Bible- thumpers out there could have no real objection to transsexualism...
Just think, though, of something like leprosy in Biblical times.... It made people look hideous on the outside, but they were healed for who they were inside. Obviously, there is evidence that often, people are not who they look like on the outside, and that it's what's inside that counts (clichéd, but oh well).
  Maybe the majority of people who are accepting of homosexuals aren't accepting of transsexuals because it goes against their beliefs that people are who they look like. I don't know. All I know is that my one friend who is very supportive and accepting of my being TS is a lesbian,
but she also knows that people's identities come from the inside. I think that's the heart of the problem, and if someone is capable of seeing you for who you truly are, inside, it shouldn't matter to them that you're not okay with your outside.

Rafe

Rafe:
  My experience agree with you in so many counts.   I found support among lesbians and straight people and other TS.  I found tolerance mixed with scorn from gay males.

  I as having a conversation 2 days ago with a openly and proud gay 22 year old, incredible gorgeous, we work for the same company, when the subject of transsexuals came up he explained why he did not understand transsexuals:

-" i don't get why is a gay guy is willing to go to all that trouble to end up with a woman, what a waste. I have tried to understand it for years, I can't turn it around in my head enough to understand that"

when i replied that is an identity issue nor a sex orientation issue (longer explanation was given) the more reluctant he became.

In my life I have found support among lesbians and straight people and other trans gendered people, never from gay males I found tolerance from them mixed with scorn.

  A lot of people find trans genderism confusing to the point of nnn mmh better not to think about. Unless is a personality in the media

Thanks Rafe,  Sheila

[Melissa]

I think I have an easier time with explaining it since I'm attracted to women. How could I be a gay man in denial if I'm attracted to women? 

Melissa

[Melissa]

I had 1 friend before transition.  I didn't lose him.  I have gained many friends too.

Melissa