Could I be a pickle? Could you be a pickle? Is it OK to be a pickle?

[Just Mandy]

Lori posted this in her intro way way back... it makes a lot of sense in someways:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2597.msg40120.html#msg40120

Thank you Tink. I read posts daily in here and just mainly lurk. I enjoy your posts. I orginally came here for support but now I just read the posts and see if there is any new information out there for my condition and to keep up with a select few and their lives.

I've been absent for some time and I'll catch those up that are interested.


I really dont have anything to contribute since I'm only a Pickle.

Acutally I hate labels. If society just has to put a label on me, I would call myself a Pickle. It has two meanings, first it is what I am, and second it is what I am in.

I personaly want to become the woman I am. To ME that is being able to pass as a woman whether I have GRS or not. The more I thought about that, the more I realised that if you had to describe somebody at work you could easily describe them as a man or a woman....but how can you do that without ever seeing their genitals? I feel there is more to being a woman then just having a vagina. Our daily routine involves pinning gender labels on ppl, but we never do this by looking inbetween the legs and determining their sexual identification. It would be rather rude or inappropriate to even bring up genitals unless you were serious about a sexual encounter/relationship with that person.  Other visual clues define gender for us. Shape of body, face, movement, breasts, muscles, actions, voice, style of dress and many other things.

I feel I'm dysphoric and need to cure that byt HRT and FFS and then worry about what cannot be seen after I have assimilated womanhood. I'll admit I'm vain and must pass as a woman before getting a vagina. That is me though, my personal goal, nobody elses. Some would say I'm not a transsexual because the genital operation is not on the top of my list nor even that important. I dont hate what is down there, I'm just not comfortable with it and would prefer to change that, but I'm not worried about it. When it stopped working I was happier, and it became less important. SRS/GRS would just be a completion of the rest of what I have done as far as feminization, sort of a validation to my womanhood. Some would say I am a Transsexual. Some have no clue.

Currently, I feel there is a bigger spectrum of Genderdysphoria and what is in the DSM needs to be updated because it tries to squeeze too many cases in such a small description. Each case is different and each person is different. There are those that have body dysphoria and it has to to with gender not sexual identification.

I am still seeking where I fall on that gender spectrum changing things slowly to see where I land. To me this is not a contest nor is it a search for a label like it started out to be when I first got here. I felt if I could find the label for me I could cure my problem because I had my diagnosis wrapped up in a little bottle that could be poured onto a table and studied for examination and disection. I could find the offending piece and tear it apart and do things in reverse and cure what has stricken me.

I've read so many books, heard stories, and interviewed many people that have crossed over that gender barrier. I have studied quite hard over the last few months as to what a True/Real transsexual was/is. I think there are so many variations of "Transsexual" that those that say who is and who isn't should look around past themselves and understand just because they exhibit some of the symptoms does not make them an authority on who is and who isnt a certain label. Everybody is different. Each case is different. Each life is different and I believe there is a varying degree of Transsexuals. That belief is not a popular one to have here or anywhere.

It's been noted and seconded and thirded over and over that a Transsexual will Transition. I read it here, my therapist says it, the one I went to years ago said it, and others I talk to have said it. Then I have talked to some that have many things in common and opt for other things such as hrt. Oh but we have a another label for them...->-bleeped-<-/TV. It is also well documented over and over that if you can resist then do it. I agree with that as well. So if you get labled a Transsexual do you transition or resist it? As I get older the attacks are more frequent, solid, longer lasting and stronger. I can see coming to a point one day when nothing will stop me from either killing myself or plunging in head first. I can also see fighting it tooth and nail to the bitter end. I would fight it and deny it even going under the knife for srs. Why? Because the cost is going to be enormous and its in my nature to deny and fight anything this surreal. It doesnt matter what Transgendered ppl label ourselves as. Society does not care. We are preaching to the choir in here and at our meetings and with other professionals. Society is ignorant and lethal. We know so much because we have spent lifetimes trying to figure out what is wrong and have become well educated.

Since there is no Gender Dysphoria meter, who is to say my attacks/squirell cage/pressure is any less or worse than a person that just has to cut it off/invert what they have? Mine may be way less or 100 times stronger and because of my life, I have been given more more tools to resist longer.

To sit there and say that a Transsexual will Transition is not an educated thing to say in my mind. To say I am a Transsexual and I must transition makes more sence. You only know about yourself, nobody else. You cannot say who is and who isnt a Transsexual and what they must and must not do, or what they will and will not do. You only know about you and you alone.


To me, being a Pickle is about Gender Identity not Sexual Identity. I want to change gender and become the female that has been screaming at me to come out since I was 5. To me, a Pickle is a person that just wants to be a normal female. Its not about the skirts, lingerie, panty hose, makeup, and heels. Its not about having a vagina. Its only about being a woman in todays society. Living, working, breathing as a recognised female amongst the masses. It has nothing to do with sexual identity. Last I looked around there are many variations of what a female is. To me being a pickle is looking in the mirror and seing a woman.


Some call that just being Transgendered, some call it being an idiot, some call it being whatever they want to call it. Since I dont fit the textbook defintion of a Transsexual Type IV apparently I am not a transsexual and to many out there, including some here on this site...unless you are a Type IV then you are not a Transsexual.

I'm nothing in the DSM except broken and TG. I know if I went as far as to change genders I would also change sex. I dont feel that would make me a Transsexual because I dont think you just become one with a surgery. It is a condition that must be met under certain criteria before that is done.

Hence, I'm a Pickle.

I've spent hours and hours and probably days really looking at myself the past few months. And I realize I have always been
female mentally. It's amazing to me how much so... but I did not recognize it... it's just been me. Being female is
just part of me, I can't deny it.

My biggest problem is my face and body... I NEED to have them match an inner picture of myself. What is between my legs
is of secondary concern. It is a concern but it's not a OMG cut the damn thing off now type of need... like the NEED to look
female.

I see this picture myself in two years... I'm totally female looking... I have nice breasts... my nose is pretty... I weight 135 pounds
and I have no hair on my face or body. But "HE" is still there between my legs. Am I happy?  I ask myself that a lot. And the
answer varies day to day. I mean I would love to have "IT" gone... that would be awesome. But the surgery scares me.
I have no need for a vagina in my present situation.. in fact it would complicate things. And  when I ask myself "would I be happy"
for the most part I think I would be. "It" does not define me. What is in my brain defines me... I am a female becuase that is
how I think.

And then the whole issue of how I dress comes up. I like feminine clothing, I love talking about it, I love shopping for
it, I just don't feel a drive to wear it. I really don't see me wanting to wear skirts and dresses. Heels? No. Short shorts... that would be
cool. Tank tops yep. I do wear panties now becuase it enhances the look of my body. Will clothes do the same? I'm not sure. And
makeup... I do that... becuase it enhances my face... I look MORE female, more pretty.

What about things I do? Male hobbies? I don't plan to give them up. Will I lose interest in them?

OMG this is a biggie... how I act and move. I don't what to change who I am... I'm me... I'm not some caricature of a woman. But
I worry that the way I move is not female enough. Can I be a woman and still walk like a man. I don't want to be "the guy in the dress".

To me, being a Pickle is about Gender Identity not Sexual Identity. I want to change gender and become the female that has been screaming at me to come out since I was 5. To me, a Pickle is a person that just wants to be a normal female. Its not about the skirts, lingerie, panty hose, makeup, and heels. Its not about having a vagina. Its only about being a woman in todays society. Living, working, breathing as a recognized female amongst the masses. It has nothing to do with sexual identity. Last I looked around there are many variations of what a female is. To me being a pickle is looking in the mirror and seeing a woman.

That sums up what being a pickle is...

So am I a pickle? Am I a transsexual? What are you?

Amanda

[gina]

Amanda,
After reading this a couple of times and giving it some good thought I decided to post. I also fall into this category that was originally posted by Lori with your follow up. I think I'm a little older then you but not by much so age wise we are very close. I also believe being a woman or a man is more then whats between your legs. I often put off joining forums for this reason of being told I'm not a true transexual because of not wanting  SRS and so I fall between the grey area. Just like everyone else I could use some plastic surgery here and there but overall I'm very passible. Being on HRT has matched my mind to my body in general, except for down there...but I could live with that. In my case it just does not have that much of an importance and my finances are such that I could barely afford my HRT and I'm not going to one of those cheap chop shops overseas.. so maybe I die from some sort of complication, because of lack of proper care. Also another point is if I was younger and very sexualy active I think I would do just about anything for SRS, but not at this age (no offence to the older girls) for me its just not worth it. So am I a pickle for having a tiny pickle (sorry had to say that...lol) I guess so. Am I a transexual, I also believe so, others could call it what ever they wish...Its my mind, body and soul and thats all that matters.

gina

[tinkerbell]

Perhaps if we look at the entire situation as an evolution process, it may make a bit of sense!

Part of an email from a dear friend which I received sometime ago:

I have been at **** for some time and have found transsexuals who are just coming to grips with themselves and have all the transitional steps ahead of them tend be be positive they are transsexual but not positive about SRS or HRT or some step far down the line. As each step is reached they realize that step was necessary and in the end Transsexuals will transition completely. Those that have been thru it understand that. Many feel it at first but cannot come to grips with the all consequences that entails. They have come to grips with their transsexualism but have yet to realize all the consequences. We are asking someone who just realized what they are to instantly make decisions like leaving their wife, most likely losing lots of their family. Changing or losing a profession and salary. These things come one by one and the TS must go on to the next but does she have to make these plans in stone 5 years ahead of time?  No she does not even though some know she will if it's real, she doesn't know that yet.

tink

[cindianna_jones]

No, you are not a pickle.  A true pickle is green and born of true cucumber heritage. Only breeding with the highest quality bovine excrement will give you the proper flesh for transition from cucumber to pickle.  And what of the sweet pickle you say you crave? No. God has determined that you were born a cucumber and must remain so.

The scriptures tell us:

"There is a time for wine and a time for dance.  Yea, and though he traveled a fortnight, he found no rest. And yet the naysayers lay their heads in shame as their espoused rent their cloaks."

Is that not proof enough?  Oh nay, ye sinners, do not be led astray!  A pickle? Oh ye of little faith!

Cindi

[bethzerosix]

i agree with tink.

i am only at the beginning of this and have found that it isnt  the absolute need to transition, but the continual change, that in the end is transition. i find my self constantly pushing further after i have reached a goal that i said would be far enough. when i first heard that " a transsexual will transition" i was a little upset. i identified with transsexuals but felt that i couldnt possibly transition. then i realized that it is ultimately the path, not the label that makes one t/s. regardless of how far i get... i will always label myself "girl in a boy body" because that IS what i am.

[Shana A]

In the words of Arlo Guthrie

"I don't want a pickle
Just want to ride on my motor-cycle (pronounced to rhyme with pickle)"



Seriously though, it's absolutely OK to want to live as a woman and keep your you-know-what. There are some people for whom it is more important to live in the desired gender than to have all the correct anatomy. One can be non-op TS, or some might call this transgenderist. Whatever works for you.

Zythyra

Now if you're craving pickles and ice cream... well, someone has to be the first pregnant MTF  >

[TamTam]

In the words of Arlo Guthrie

"I don't want a pickle
Just want to ride on my motor-cycle (pronounced to rhyme with pickle)"

I'm sorry, I just had to say.. LOL and thank you so much for that reference, I'm cracking up right now..

[Kate]

Perhaps if we look at the entire situation as an evolution process, it may make a bit of sense!

Part of an email from a dear friend which I received sometime ago:

... As each step is reached they realize that step was necessary and in the end Transsexuals will transition completely...

Yup! One door leads to the next. And when you're facing that next door.. whatever it may be... it's the most important thing in your life to get through it.

You were right. You all know who you are. I resisted and fought and kicked and screamed when I heard all this in the beginning. God, I was SO mad at you, lol. Religious zealots spreading the Cult Of Transsexuality, rofl, wasn't that what I said?

My apologies

To me, a Pickle is a person that just wants to be a normal female. Its not about the skirts, lingerie, panty hose, makeup, and heels. Its not about having a vagina. Its only about being a woman in todays society. Living, working, breathing as a recognised female amongst the masses.

Well count me as a pickle then, lol. I've always felt like I was coming at all this arse-backwards, since my driving need is to have a female *context*. I don't crave breasts or a vagina per se... I crave a female LIFE. I don't envy a woman's body parts... I envy her entire experience of growing up as a girl and later into woman. The parts and clothes and expression are *consequences* for me, not the goals driving me.

But I also recognize that those parts are necessary for the experience to be authentic (for me). Imagine walking though the bad section of town while carrying a concealed handgun. Sure, no one can see it, but YOU know it's there. Now walk through that same section of town unarmed and try and tell me the experience isn't totally different?

For me, walking around with a penis is like walking around with a concealed male weapon. *I* know it's there, and it contaminates every perception of my experience with maleness. I don't hate it for what it is or what it looks like... I'm just saddened for what it's doing to my living experience, my personal context in this world.

I've always said that I need to "have been born female," since what I TRULY want is to have grown up that way, having been molded by life into who I should have been. Growing breasts and creating a vagina surgically won't get me there, but I hope and pray that somehow, some way, all these things I've done, all these changes I've made will SOMEHOW magically rewrite history and show me that I've always been Kate anyway since birth.

It's a longshot, but it's all I've got

~Kate~

[NicholeW.]

Perhaps if we look at the entire situation as an evolution process, it may make a bit of sense!

I have been at **** for some time and have found transsexuals who are just coming to grips with themselves and have all the transitional steps ahead of them tend be be positive they are transsexual but not positive about SRS or HRT or some step far down the line. As each step is reached they realize that step was necessary and in the end Transsexuals will transition completely. Those that have been thru it understand that. Many feel it at first but cannot come to grips with the all consequences that entails. They have come to grips with their transsexualism but have yet to realize all the consequences. We are asking someone who just realized what they are to instantly make decisions like leaving their wife, most likely losing lots of their family. Changing or losing a profession and salary. These things come one by one and the TS must go on to the next but does she have to make these plans in stone 5 years ahead of time?  No she does not even though some know she will if it's real, she doesn't know that yet.

tink

No, you are not a pickle.  A true pickle is green and born of true cucumber heritage. Only breeding with the highest quality bovine excrement will give you the proper flesh for transition from cucumber to pickle.  And what of the sweet pickle you say you crave? No. God has determined that you were born a cucumber and must remain so.

The scriptures tell us:

"There is a time for wine and a time for dance.  Yea, and though he traveled a fortnight, he found no rest. And yet the naysayers lay their heads in shame as their espoused rent their cloaks."

Is that not proof enough?  Oh nay, ye sinners, do not be led astray!  A pickle? Oh ye of little faith!

Cindi

Yup! One door leads to the next. And when you're facing that next door.. whatever it may be... it's the most important thing in your life to get through it.

You were right. You all know who you are. I resisted and fought and kicked and screamed when I heard all this in the beginning. God, I was SO mad at you, lol. Religious zealots spreading the Cult Of Transsexuality, rofl, wasn't that what I said?

My apologies

Growing breasts and creating a vagina surgically won't get me there, but I hope and pray that somehow, some way, all these things I've done, all these changes I've made will SOMEHOW magically rewrite history and show me that I've always been Kate anyway since birth.

It's a longshot, but it's all I've got

~Kate~

Hi, Mandi.

I agree with Cindi, no you are not a pickle, not yet. Lotsa nice bovine excrement and the factory and brine and all that other 'arrangement' has yet to come.

Tink's letter from her friend is absolutely spot-on. It is an evolution, an evolution of understanding and living, one that, far too often, women who have been through the process want to deny the process of passing through to those coming later.

So, people in those first stages of discovery come to feel like they will "never make it." Or that "Well, I don't feel this overwhelming need to rid myself of all that I love and have and isn't there an easier way to go than what you have gone through?"

And yes, there probably is an easier way. Is it for you? Now how the heck would any of us know that yet? The evolution of process has the nature of being a character in a novel or movie. The character has no idea of her place in the plot until the plot has worked out & she steps off the roof-top with her aunts and sister and daughters before the waiting townspeople and her lover down on the ground. Finding that she can float, because the magic is within her, always has been, no matter how badly she longed for it not to be there, or not to use it. Finally, she comes to find she simply must be who she is. (I love Practical Magic!! So forgive the analogy.) 

We arrive at the next step and take it, because, to continue living and thriving we cannot remain where we are at this step. Oddly, perhaps, we find that the steps arrive when they are ready to arrive, not when we press ahead, or bound eight steps forward or make the walk at light-speed or like a snail. We come to the next step as our lives unfold. And, it's a natural progression, like any other human life.

Is there a magic that takes a life and transforms it? No, I have often wished there were, but I cannot be where Cindi is, or Kate, or Tink and they cannot be where I am either. We have similarities and will often understand what each other has experienced or will experience as we also understand what you will experience or might. But, those lives, frustratingly sometimes, are separate. One transsexual is not a uniform regulated life that equals 'real.'

That's why, Kate's opinions two years ago to the contrary, that there is no "Cult of Transsexuality" there's a life of transsexuality that becomes the life of a man or a woman. No, body parts don't 'get' anyone there (that's in the plot for I, Robot, different movie and book altogether!!) 
But, the changes in shape and that last surgery do, indeed, prepare us for the next step. Each one before and after the next or previous.

There are always more steps to transition, until death overtakes us, Heart. Transition has no terminus nor, I believe, any beginning. The process is eternal and universal. But, as a wise woman said: "As each step is reached they realize that step was necessary and in the end Transsexuals will transition completely." As will we all.

Love,

Nichole

[Veerle]

Yup! One door leads to the next. And when you're facing that next door.. whatever it may be... it's the most important thing in your life to get through it.

Just wondering, is it "normal" to be scared, going through the other door?

Cause right now i'm facing the "take-estrogen-door" and i'm somewhat terrified.

(Sry if i go offtopic, maybe I should make a new one ....)

[Just Mandy]

I have been at **** for some time and have found transsexuals who are just coming to grips with themselves and have all the transitional steps ahead of them tend be be positive they are transsexual but not positive about SRS or HRT or some step far down the line. As each step is reached they realize that step was necessary and in the end Transsexuals will transition completely. Those that have been thru it understand that. Many feel it at first but cannot come to grips with the all consequences that entails. They have come to grips with their transsexualism but have yet to realize all the consequences. We are asking someone who just realized what they are to instantly make decisions like leaving their wife, most likely losing lots of their family. Changing or losing a profession and salary. These things come one by one and the TS must go on to the next but does she have to make these plans in stone 5 years ahead of time?  No she does not even though some know she will if it's real, she doesn't know that yet.

Thanks everyone. The post above makes so much sense. SRS is just another step... maybe the final step you take on
the entire journey. I can see how it is no different than anything as we step closer to what we want and what we need.

And I guess a good question to ask to those of you that felt like a pickle to start with...  how long was it after you
started transitioning until you accepted that you would have SRS?

Like I've done in the past I feel the need to share all this. All my deepest pickle thoughts, doubts, fears. It helps me to write
about them here... I know it's ugly and probably stuff no one wants to hear. But I'm going the share them anyway. Maybe some
of you share these thoughts, maybe not. Maybe you've been here... maybe everyone has been here. And maybe one person will
find it helpful.

I'm sure some of you may feel I'm not TS. That's OK. I'm not sure either. I think some of you are afraid to admit
your doubts too. To admit you're less of a TS than anyone here. I know I am. I want to be a part of susans, I need
to be a part of susans, and to admit my deepest doubts, to admit to everyone here that I question my TS'ness is hard.
But I NEED this to be the right thing for me. I need to express these doubts. I need to talk about this.

So it's like this... I see all of you... you're all perfect, you knew you were female from birth and ABSOLUTELY believe
you need to transition to be happy, to be complete. You want SRS, you know it, you feel it. But that's not me... that's not
were I am. As each day goes by I'm filled with doubt. Am I really a TS? I ask myself that all the time. I mean it feels SO good to
see the physical changes. It feels SO good to be on HRT. I LOVE my body today... I'll love it more tomorrow, I know that. I'm
starting to see the right face in the mirror now... that makes me SO happy. And mentally... yea... I know how I think is
female. But is that all it takes? Just a female brain? Is that all being TS is? I mean I never felt the "I'm a woman in a mans body"...
but I get that my thought processes and my viewpoints are totally female.

But then I think about all the things I need to start. I need to start laser. But I come up with a million reasons why I can't.
I need to schedule my rhinoplasty but I don't. I need to do so many things... and I'm frozen. Scared to move forward and
un-willing to go back. I feel locked in time and trapped.

And some of you make this sound so easy. "We're just changing our sex, no biggie" Kate told me. Kate I love you... you
know that... but this is gut wrenching for me... it's not a biggie... it's a huge-ie... it's bigger than big... it's massive lol...
it's torture. So what does that say? Does that mean I'm not TS? Does it mean I've not accepted being a TS?

I feel like running again. Running from Susans, running from all this. Three months ago I was certain that this is what
I needed to do. But it's like a chess game to me... I'm looking so far forward... 10, 20 moves in advance. I see all
the moves where I get checkmated. Un-passable? Checkmate. Wife leaves me? Checkmate. For many of you
it's transition or die. For me it's totally passable and married still or die. I sincerely believe that. I don't know how
any of you get through this.

Obviously I think it's possible that I'm just not totally accepting being TS. Is that what wanting to be a pickle is about?
In so many  ways I know I'm still struggling with not transitioning. There has not been a day in the past couple of weeks
when I've not had those thoughts. Just stop and put this out of my mind I think, go back to whatever I was before. Deal with
it. Sometimes it's just a passing thought and other times I dwell on it, but the doubt is there. I doubt that I can ever pass as
female, I doubt that I want to ruin my life trying. It makes me sad, it terrifies me becuase I can't think of a worse destiny for me
than living as an un-passable TS the rest of my life. But at the same time I can't imagine moving backwards.

Has anyone else had these thoughts?

Amanda



Posted on: May 21, 2008, 01:32:40 PM

Just wondering, is it "normal" to be scared, going through the other door?

Cause right now i'm facing the "take-estrogen-door" and i'm somewhat terrified.

(Sry if i go offtopic, maybe I should make a new one ....)

LOL... well you posted your response right before mine. Yes... I'm terrified of each new step
and no this is a perfect thread. 

Amanda

[NicholeW.]

SRS is just another step... maybe the final step you take on the entire journey. I can see how it is no different than anything as we step closer to what we want and what we need.

Yes, Heart. It's just another step. And a step is a step. Not a bound or a leap. A step. You know, one foot in front of the other foot? *smile* Breathe, Amanda. Just breathe. You're fine.

No, not the final step, not unless someone is desirous and ready to 'die on the table.' No thanks, that would be such a waste of life. It's just another step in your life.

Kinda like, starting school was a step for me. Doing each paper and test, going to classes, graduating, taking the national exam, getting interviews, being hired, working, each new client, each new group or session, opening a private practice, getting each new client, paying the bills, loving the work I do, Get the idea? A step. Each one. With others that I will discover right in front of me at some point.

Are they easy? Not always. Am I always confident? Not always. At some point do I take the next one? Yes. You will as well, Heart. You will as well. And we will be here for you to query and worry with.

And I guess a good question to ask to those of you that felt like a pickle to start with...  how long was it after you
started transitioning until you accepted that you would have SRS?

My personal answer to that is prior. By the time I was ready to start, I felt very deeply that, for me, there needn't be a way back. This is me. Was there hesitation and anguish, wndering what this will do? Yes. But, once I started .... YMMV. 

Like I've done in the past I feel the need to share all this. All my deepest pickle thoughts, doubts, fears. It helps me to write
about them here... I know it's ugly and probably stuff no one wants to hear. But I'm going the share them anyway. Maybe some
of you share these thoughts, maybe not. Maybe you've been here... maybe everyone has been here. And maybe one person will
find it helpful.

We have all been there, Amanda. Some of us have been fortunate enough to be here or in other forums where we had our confidence bolstered, got excellent advice, got smacked a few times, been slowed down or speeded up. In that way, I would imagine we are all alike. You too. So relax.

I'm sure some of you may feel I'm not TS. That's OK. I'm not sure either. I think some of you are afraid to admit
your doubts too. To admit you're less of a TS than anyone here. I know I am. I want to be a part of susans, I need
to be a part of susans, and to admit my deepest doubts, to admit to everyone here that I question my TS'ness is hard.
But I NEED this to be the right thing for me. I need to express these doubts. I need to talk about this.

If someone thinks that you aren't a real woman, aren't they allowed? Everyone is allowed a thought or two. Everyone's allowed to be wrong, right, or incomlete in his/her thinking and opinion. Right?  That doesn't affect you, or needn't.

And I imagine you are right, some are afraid to admit doubts. Wanna say they always knew what and how they'd do this and that. But, you've lived for 40 years. You know what it's like to make these HUGE decisions. You really don't always 'know' do ya?

Yep, neither did they. But, you're right. Hindsight can be wonderfully changed to make things the way we would like others to see us having been. Especially when others weren't about while we struggled and wondered and doubted. *smile*

So it's like this... I see all of you... you're all perfect, you knew you were female from birth and ABSOLUTELY believe
you need to transition to be happy, to be complete. You want SRS, you know it, you feel it. But that's not me... that's not
were I am. As each day goes by I'm filled with doubt. Am I really a TS? I ask myself that all the time. I mean it feels SO good to
see the physical changes. It feels SO good to be on HRT. I LOVE my body today... I'll love it more tomorrow, I know that. I'm
starting to see the right face in the mirror now... that makes me SO happy. And mentally... yea... I know how I think is
female. But is that all it takes? Just a female brain? Is that all being TS is? I mean I never felt the "I'm a woman in a mans body"...
but I get that my thought processes and my viewpoints are totally female.

I never felt the 'woman in a man's body either. I was always a woman in a body that I found repugnant. That changes, Amanda, as you are discovering.

O, yes, we are all PERFECT!!!  O, Goddess, just ask Tink and Cindi and Kate. We get together and extol the perfection in each one of us on a consistent and religiously sound basis!! Puh-leeez, Heart. My goodness. I made a mistake just the other week!!  I'll bet my new shoes that everyone here has. So, lay off the perfect. 

As some are fond of pointing out there may be a number of etiological 'reasons' for TS. A 'female brain' is definitely one.

But then I think about all the things I need to start. I need to start laser. But I come up with a million reasons why I can't.
I need to schedule my rhinoplasty but I don't. I need to do so many things... and I'm frozen. Scared to move forward and
un-willing to go back. I feel locked in time and trapped.

So, you think you need this and that and still hesitate? Hmmm, sounds pretty-much human to me, Heart. Amanda! Amanda, are you remembering to breathe?

Sometimes we hesitate to take a step. Doesn't mean we don't when the time is right.

And some of you make this sound so easy. "We're just changing our sex, no biggie" Kate told me. Kate I love you... you
know that... but this is gut wrenching for me... it's not a biggie... it's a huge-ie... it's bigger than big... it's massive lol...
it's torture. So what does that say? Does that mean I'm not TS? Does it mean I've not accepted being a TS?

Umm-huh. Yeah, I presume you've read all of Kate's posts? And have seen the way she just merrily skips into everything she does? No hesitation, recrimination, doubt?

It's massive for us all, Amanda. It just doesn't always seem as massive from a year, two years, five years or twenty years behind me as it does while I am still staring forward at it. A chasm from a mile or two away doesn't seem as deep or wide as it did at the edge.

I feel like running again. Running from Susans, running from all this. Three months ago I was certain that this is what
I needed to do. But it's like a chess game to me... I'm looking so far forward... 10, 20 moves in advance. I see all
the moves where I get checkmated. Un-passable? Checkmate. Wife leaves me? Checkmate. For many of you
it's transition or die. For me it's totally passable and married still or die. I sincerely believe that. I don't know how
any of you get through this.

Your life and mine are not a chess-game, Heart. They are lives. How far forward can any of us see? A minute, and hour, six days? And you are trying to peer how far forward? Or are you just expecting and fearing the absolute and positively worst?  Goddess!! Addicts and TSes!!

Always seeming to do that. Ever strike you that maybe that happens because so many of us relied on puberty, age, or god to 'change' us, or that 'magic' that Kate talked about up there? And every time we were bashed in the face with the knowing that those things didn't happen.

The magic is in you, Amanda. In Kate and Tink and Cindi, Tasha, Dennis, Sandy, on and on. We make the magic as we can. Now, some witches and magicians have lots of magical resources that allow them to do the spells a bit quicker. Others have to plod along. But, each of us has the magic within ourselves, Heart.

Obviously I think it's possible that I'm just not totally accepting being TS. Is that what wanting to be a pickle is about?
In so many  ways I know I'm still struggling with not transitioning. There has not been a day in the past couple of weeks
when I've not had those thoughts. Just stop and put this out of my mind I think, go back to whatever I was before. Deal with
it. Sometimes it's just a passing thought and other times I dwell on it, but the doubt is there. I doubt that I can ever pass as
female, I doubt that I want to ruin my life trying. It makes me sad, it terrifies me because I can't think of a worse destiny for me
than living as an un-passable TS the rest of my life. But at the same time I can't imagine moving backwards.

Has anyone else had these thoughts?

I think all of us have had those or very similar thoughts. Refer back to Tink's friend, please. See there? A step at a time. Each one fraught with possibilities.

The unpassable thingy I decided wasn't worth my effort. It was what it was and has been exactly that.

I simply knew that worst case, I would live with if I had to in order to reach the me I am living right now and hope to continue living into as I go forward. As it has turned out: that particular bridge I crossed mostly prior to even HRT when I was feeling all the chagrin of being laughed at on occasions.

After four or six months that hasn't been a problem. In fact, the problem for me turned out to be that people saw this tremendous difference: "who's that woman over there? It's WHO? OMG." Yeah, that can be as problematic as the kind your worrying about, especially when you're working for the Catholic Church. LOL.

How you decide or hesitate is all up to you, dearest Amanda. But, rest assured, we'll be here to support you, hold you when you allow it and tell you just how tough, easy, or in-between it was for each of us.

You are not alone, Amanda. Never again will you have to be alone, no matter what. 

Love and Hugs,

Nichole

P.S. And Veerle, this post is for you as well.

[Veerle]

Posted on: May 21, 2008, 01:32:40 PM

Just wondering, is it "normal" to be scared, going through the other door?

Cause right now i'm facing the "take-estrogen-door" and i'm somewhat terrified.

(Sry if i go offtopic, maybe I should make a new one ....)

LOL... well you posted your response right before mine. Yes... I'm terrified of each new step
and no this is a perfect thread. 

Amanda

LOL

SRS is just another step... maybe the final step you take on the entire journey. I can see how it is no different than anything as we step closer to what we want and what we need.
And I guess a good question to ask to those of you that felt like a pickle to start with...  how long was it after you started transitioning until you accepted that you would have SRS? 

I'm not that far, but I still haven't worked this out either.

As each day goes by I'm filled with doubt. Am I really a TS? I ask myself that all the time. I mean it feels SO good to see the physical changes. It feels SO good to be on HRT. I LOVE my body today... I'll love it more tomorrow, I know that. I'm starting to see the right face in the mirror now... that makes me SO happy.

Same here, but I'm not "filled with doubt" I sometimes have doubt, and actually today I worked out some doubt.

Does it mean I've not accepted being a TS? 

I now probably found a new insight in my own doubts 

P.S. 1 Thx for your post Nichole

P.S. 2 maybe I have less doubts than other people here, cause, at 21 / 22 , it's more easy to pass 

[Kate]

And some of you make this sound so easy. "We're just changing our sex, no biggie" Kate told me. Kate I love you... you
know that... but this is gut wrenching for me...

Hey, that's just my hindsight talking! See my post count over there?? There's a reason for it. You're tuning in late to my show... those initial struggles and inner wars are over for me, and I'm mostly just kicking back with lemonade in the shade now.

But the very first thing I said to my therapist was, "look, it's not that I don't know if I need to live as a woman, it's that I don't know if I CAN!" I agonized too kiddo, wondering how the HECK I could do this, wondering if I was about to throw a very good life in the trash for... what? A snowball's chance in Hades that I'd ever be anything more than a TS to everyone? And I mean curled onto the bathroom floor SOBBING agonizing. Sitting in my car staring into nothingness, my brain totally locked and frozen, can't do something... can't do nothing. For months I did nothing but cry. Cry when driving to work. Cry when microwaving my lunch. Cry in the shower. Cry myself to sleep. I was being crushed between walls of impossible choices. I thew up constantly. I ate antacids like candy. Ask Lori what I was like, lol... I have NO idea how she put up with me.

So when I say "We're just changing our sex, no biggie," that's a lesson I *learned* afterwards, not one I lived while transitioning. Transitioning itself was the absolute scariest, most terrifying thing I've ever done. Every day was a new chance for the "other shoe to drop," the doom and gloom to finally fall on me at last. I built a very carefully-constructed womb for myself between work and home, giving myself a safe place to grow and mature within. I lived in terror of ever leaving that shelter, and it became something of a prison for me, with "here lurk dragons" lying beyond those known borders. Only recently have I finally begun exploring my new world openly and without fear.

BUT!!!! Just like when you get off a roller coaster and think, "well heck, THAT wasn't so bad!", in hindsight *I* made it much more frightening than it had to be. One "I can't do this!" after another, I learned that I was just projecting my own fears and internalized guilt and shame onto a world of people who deserved much more credit than what I gave them. If I could reach back in time and talk to that younger Kate, that's what I'd tell her. And what I'm telling you now.

Yes, the physical changes and all are important. But don't lose sight of the INNER changes, the work you gotta do to get over all that baggage we accumulate over the years of trying to deal with this. All the "I don't deserve!" and "I can't do this to those I love!" and "what if I'm just a pervert?" doubts and shame. Work on that TOO as you move along, or it'll all follow you right through a transition and into your womanhood, pinning you down as a "transsexual" rather than an Amanda.

~Kate~

[Shana A]

I'm sorry, I just had to say.. LOL and thank you so much for that reference, I'm cracking up right now..

Thanks Darling... or maybe I should say Dill-ling 

Z <hiding before I get myself into a pickle>

[cindybc]

Hi Kate, just a short post to say that what you have written bellow does happen, it is quite possible and it has nothing to do with magic. We do not only change our outside physical being, we also awaken the inside, beleive me you are not the same person as in the beginning. You have a beautiful soul and I do so pray for all the best during the conclusion of your metamorphosis.

Growing breasts and creating a vagina surgically won't get me there, but I hope and pray that somehow, some way, all these things I've done, all these changes I've made will SOMEHOW magically rewrite history and show me that I've always been Kate anyway since birth.

Cindy

[Wendy C]

What a amazing topic and post Amanda, and the responses have been insightful. Im not even going to try and be eloquent here as I am but a baby yet in my transisition even though in age much older. One never ceases to learn if they keep their ears open and mouth shut.

From what Ive seen and heard over the last year is that there is no perfect pace or perfect transition and as life has taught me, its not perfect either and that I think most here have caught the brunt of a very screwed up one. While each of us face a common thread, each thread is colored a little differently and it is up to us weave that new garment with the threads we are given. The result will hopefully be something to admire although slightly different than the others.

If you desire to be a pickle, than you try to be a Dill or Sweet pickle as suits you. For myself the choice was made a very long time ago and up until last year I was cacooned with no idea or belief that a thing had changed in over thirty years.  I didnt know that I could now transition and that the times had changed. So for me I am the transitioner and only doing what had been sought thirty years ago and denied me. Yes, I will move through this one step at a time, prudence dictates that but the ultimate goal is still GRS and I will be as congruent as I can get or die trying.

So find your pace, your way or method, the one that suits you and benefits you most and can be done as safely as possible. Hugs and love. And I hope I am not being offensive, I just like giving hugs.

Wendy

[Lori]

I often put off joining forums for this reason of being told I'm not a true transexual because of not wanting  SRS and so I fall between the grey area.
gina

I want to be clear. I want SRS. What i don't want is to put everything in front of that. What good is having SRS if nobody accepts me as a woman? Why spend the money only to have to whip out your drivers license at every turn to prove to society it has an F and you are female. I don't want that in my life. I want to be a woman that passes day to day and doesn't get hastled or reminded about my past. So how best do I do that?? I pass from the neck up. I spend money, time and effort on every thing else before SRS. Once that is done and I can work and move about in society freely without persecution I have achieved womanhood. A vagina does not make you a woman. Its a sexual thing. That is a pickle.

Posted on: May 21, 2008, 08:53:11 PM

Lori posted this in her intro way way back... it makes a lot of sense in someways:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2597.msg40120.html#msg40120



So am I a pickle? Am I a transsexual? What are you?

Amanda

WOW lol I posted that...geez...2006 I think. I dunno I've come and gone so many times..been banned since then. Maybe Susan knows.

Amanda sweety..you are a pickle lol. And you are in one too. I've known others in the past and every once in a while things change. Maybe its the hormones but I have go to see in the mirror what I see in my dreams. And I'm always dressed in my dreams. Its my face, hair, chest jutting out.....

Either way it has nothing to do with what is below. That must be dealt with but the greatest source of pain is what I see in the mirror. I hate mirrors, and there are almost no pictures of me anywhere.

[Just Mandy]

Thank you all for the responses... I've read them all... over and over. I'm sure you can tell from
my posts yesterday that it was a bad day.

Somehow, someway I'm going to get through this. I've got too, I don't think I have a choice. Because
really, if I had a choice I would not have started HRT. Guys don't do that.

And If I were not TS I would not have shared my deepest secrets here. Guys don't do that either. So I'm going to
share another. Is this off topic... probably... but it's an example of one of those small steps. And it made me
feel good. Yesterday was a bad day but today is a good day... no today is a great day. I'll share how I woke up this
morning... it made me feel good, it made me feel like a woman. And a sex object... but that's OK... I'll take being a sex
object any day if it makes me feel like this. But more than all that, it made me feel connected to the love of my life in a
way that I've never experienced. And it makes me think I can do this, and she will be there every step of the way.

My love is usually up about thirty minutes before me so she is always bright and chipper about the
time I'm waking. Damn her... she is a morning person, I don't start living until about 7pm... some
times it does not mix. But she is standing there at the end of the bed looking at me with this
look on her face. Staring at me really. Staring at my body. I was awake but was just dozing and I turned smiled at
her. I was on my side and uncovered. My hands instinctively covered my breasts as I pull up the sheet.

"Remember how I f***ed you last night?" she says smiling.

You have to understand... we don't say things like this to each other, OMG I've never used the F word... call me
a prude but it makes me SO uncomfortable. You see we have this relationship... I can't even refer to "him" without
using a pet name. She is the same way. For us talking about sex has been off limits. Thats the way it's always been. And
for her to say that... and how she said it... so aggressive...  just wow. I reached down and pulled the sheet up more, I did not
know what to say.

But she did F*** me last night. She had said some things earlier in the evening, a few touches, some kissing. I knew she
was in the mood. But a weeknight?... never happens... and I was not really interested. So I'm in bed before
her and dozing off and she gets into bed and slides over. I could tell she was naked. I won't go into details but she
started it, she climbed on top, she was the aggressor, she did her thing and she kissed me and rolled off when she
was done. No thought of my needs, never even asked if it was good (it wasn't), she was such a guy. I've never once
treated her like that. Never. You see I "can't" unless she "does". I've never been able to just "use" her. That's not
the way it's worked for me. But I loved being "used" last night. It felt so good to please her, it did not matter at all that
I didn't. But it never has.

She is still standing there, looking at me. "Did you like it? she says.

I just turned over. Smiling. Embarrassed. Silent. I loved it, I wanted to tell her, but I just could not say it.

"I know you did" she says playfully as he walks up to the front of the bed and playfully rips off the sheet.

I'm laughing and she is smiling at me.

"I know you liked that... just admit it" she says.

I'm naked except for my panties. I had tucked him away moments earlier. I'm exposed and feel it.. but I don't hide. As a
boy I would have been mortified... now I like it. I like her to see me naked.

She holds my hands back over my head and starts kissing me. Then one hand drops to my breast. After a moment
of kissing she stands up and looks me over, she drags her nails down my body as she smiles and turns to leave. I just lay there
silent, stunned.

"See ya tonight" she says as she walks out of the room.

I look down and my body feels so right. So feminine. I touch my tummy, my skin feels so smooth. I'm deep in thought
about what just happened.

"I'm going to f*** you when I get home" I hear her yell from the hall.

I giggle as it sinks in. She gets me. She really really gets me. I love my life.

Amanda

[MaggieB]

OMG, Amanda, What a wonderful story! I could only dream to have sex again with my SO as she is so against a girl on girl thing. Then again, if it happened right now at my stage of transition, I could not perform but I could give her a good time. That is beyond my wildest dreams.

On the next step thing, I recently called the surgeon's office for the first time for an Orchi as I  have my letter. I am cool so far with it but I gotta say that I simply don't know how I will remain conscious as I feint with anything medical. I was traumatized as a youth by a doctor that tore off my big toenail without numbing it when I stuck by bare foot under a running lawnmover. Been passing out regularly when I get blood taken etc ever since. Still, I will do it. Why? Because it is next.