Actors, Actresses? Were we that good?

[Wendy C]

I cant recall this ever being discussed and was wondering after answering a question on another thread.
Were we such good Actors and Actresses that in what seems like the majority of transitions were we such good people that others oppose it so much. Mainly family and friends.

It seems like most transitions leave a lot of bitterness in its wake and I'm either very dense or I just dont understand it. My life to me me has been an utter failure in terms of ever really being happy. And while I have been sucessful in employment and holding decent positions and pay as a man, my family life has been pretty much chaotic. No real violence to speak of except that which Ive done to myself.

Everyone pretty much agrees with me that Ive never been a happy person and that they all knew it and in turn has influenced them. So why when I finally find happiness in my transition, so many oppose me? Was I such a good Actor that they never felt the brunt of that pain?  I mean suicide, alcaholism, depression, anxiety and yet they still want me as a husband/father/stepfather, and grandfather. I know I really hid all this well, some had no idea, some do understand by some of my feminine ways.

I really just dont get it and it makes it extremely difficult to avoid the guilt. Yes I cared, and yes I devoted as much energy as I could to them. So why do I feel so miserable about this? How can I have earned that much love and feel so hated?

Wendy

[Nero]

i don't think we're deserving of an academy award. Rather, families and friends are in denial. Especially if they already suspected and don't want it to be true.

[Wendy C]

i don't think we're deserving of an academy award. Rather, families and friends are in denial. Especially if they already suspected and don't want it to be true.

I see that Nero, but the level of denial to me just doesnt seem to be warranted in light of our past failures and familial harm that transition seems to cause. As an example, among many varied, is that my wife absolutely decrys she is not a lesbian or never will be. Yet in past acts she never hesitated in certain acts that could be construed as virtually lesbian in nature. This is one of her strongest arguments in that she states "I married a man, not a woman".

Wendy

[Nero]

It's about her, not just you. It's makes no sense, but our people - SOs and family feel their own selves questioned when faced with what we really are. Parents feels their parenthood questioned, wives feel their womanhood questioned - all because of what gender means in our society.
I think the denial is more of a weak declaration of 'You can't be a woman, because what does that make me?'

[Wendy C]

I can see that in her and while I have to admit that the thought crossed my mind, I never seriouly gave it much attention. That in turn starts to raise other flags as to how much else am I missing as to assimilating as a woman. I know who I believe myself to be and what my ultimate goal is but in order to blend my past, as I dont have the luxury of stealth to look forward to, is to try and make peace with them. Thats the difficult part. I hope Im not getting too confusing.

Wendy

[cindybc]

I may be wrong but in my own opinion the trans woman's wife may go along with the transitioning of their male partner to female if she is: 
#1 Lesbian, or
#2 Bisexual, or
#3 There is a strong bond between the two where their love for one another will hold true no mater how rough the seas of turmoil get.  I wouldn't depend to much on this one, maybe 1 out of who knows how many but on very rare occasion it does happen.

I believe that the only way it will work is if you out yourself to family and let them make their own decision as to whether they accept you or not then move on with transitioning.

Towards the end of my last relationship, I met a girl when I was living on the reservation.  I lived ten years with her, then things started to fall apart and I found out she was messing around with other guys behind my back, so I had to let here go. I found out later she started playing around behind my back because I was unable to satisfy her sexually.

After I transitioned she heard about it and called me and invited me to drop in at her apartment in this other town where she lived. I never got so many nice compliments from her than I did in a good many years. So I visited with her for some time but then I decided to move on with my life and I met Wing Walker.

Cindy

[lady amarant]

I think Nero has the right line of thought - It's about them, not about you. You make them feel uncertain about themselves, but more than that, you are taking a part of their security away, and we all know that people will sell their souls for a sense of security. If a person can change (and yeah, we're not really changing, just being true to ourselves, but that isn't the perception) that much, what can you really hold on to as a sure thing. People go to war, give up democracy, eat up any lie you tell them if it will make them feel more secure. Denying you your right to happiness is no biggie, in light of that.

~Simone.

[sneakersjay]

It's totally about them.

Mind you, I haven't come out yet to family but I have a pretty good idea of their reaction, and it won't be supportive.  How do I know this?  Let me count the ways, LOL!

Suffice it to say my whole life I've shaken their neat, tidy, little boring lives.  I *do* things.  Cool things.  I've lived abroad, I've run 2 marathons, I've owned a business, I bought a huge honkin' un-green RV, I write novels, I figure skate, I have a doctorate, I own ranch land in Texas (for my retirement)....nothing most people would consider abnormal in the least, but my family drives me crazy because *they* choose to stay home, not travel, and not really do anything but tend their gardens and watch TV.  It shakes their complacency that maybe their lives are boring, so rather than get off their butts and go do something, they ridicule me.

Now this.  They'll likely just think it's another one of my phases, schemes, moments of craziness, like everything else.  But: I do have reason to wonder about my siblings and their own gender and orientation, things that possibly may be there that I see, and their histories, and I'm concerned that this may bring out their own issues that are deeply closeted and I don't expect it to be pretty...

Jay

[Lisbeth]

Were we such good Actors and Actresses that in what seems like the majority of transitions were we such good people that others oppose it so much. Mainly family and friends.

No.  It's not that we were good actors; it's that people see what they want to see.

[Laura91]

Were we such good Actors and Actresses that in what seems like the majority of transitions were we such good people that others oppose it so much. Mainly family and friends.

No.  It's not that we were good actors; it's that people see what they want to see.

Yepper pepper.

[Kate]

How can I have earned that much love and feel so hated?

People come to depend on us for the roles we fill for them, even if we performed them poorly. Step out of that role, and they feel betrayed and deserted.

I guess I got lucky there in a sense as I don't have children, my parents aren't very close, I haven't spoken to my brother for over a decade, I have no contact with my other blood relations... and friends, coworkers and wife's family aren't as "invested" in me as a role, but moreso just as ME, a person - so they didn't care.

It's my wife that's hurting though. As she puts it, "it's not so much losing my husband as realizing that I never HAD one." She invested in me, in the expectations of my being a husband and father for our children. Now that we've both realized that no amount of hoping and wishing was gonna make that happen, it... well, it hurts.

~Kate~

[sneakersjay]

It's my wife that's hurting though. As she puts it, "it's not so much losing my husband as realizing that I never HAD one." She invested in me, in the expectations of my being a husband and father for our children. Now that we've both realized that no amount of hoping and wishing was gonna make that happen, it... well, it hurts.

~Kate~

That's got to be so hard.  While I never wanted my divorce in the first place (I keep my commitments, I have kids), it's probably for the best.  I think my marriage and owning my own business were huge distractions from my issues.  And once they were gone, Jay could finally be himself.  My marriage never would have survived this, either.  {{{hugs}}}

Jay

[Melissa]

Yeah, it's not that we were necessarily good actors, but people just accepted us as quirky individuals.  However, on that note, I actually do like acting and I started doing a musical before transition because I felt my life itself was an act and wanted to see what I could do with that.  The problem is, I played that role for so long, I had difficulty doing any other role.  Now that I've transitioned and am my true self, I still enjoy acting and I'm already in my second musical since transition (3rd altogether).  So, I think it's some of each.

BTW, my parents still don't accept me.

[cindybc]

Hi Kate, for the moment I have no words to express how I feel about you, wishing I had a magic wand and making everything better for you. But since I don't have a magic wand all I can do is send you all the cyber hugs I can give you for what that is worth.

May you be blessed with love and happiness.

Cindy