How do I find myself?

[lostandconfused]

You can tell by my username, that I'm "lostandconfused"...  . I was talking to my friend and she offered read my palm then said "It says you'll have to make a life changing decision in your life; to choose one of two paths to go down." Obviously this brought up the TS thing in my mind, and she simply said "Just wait for life to choose" (she doesn't know about the TS thing, I hinted at reasons for my depression). This brings up something... I need to start thinking about this again. Or should I? Should it be something I should repress again, like through the years? Or should I start tackling this? But would it ruin my life? I love my friends and family, and I don't want to leave them. I know my dad hates it, he caught me a couple of times and says "You're a disgrace to our family". I don't know what to do, but the fact there's a ticking time bomb in me doesn't help. One night I looked in the mirror and realized that my face was slowly getting more masculine and will continue that way... I ended up curled up in bed crying. I feel so alone in the world; no will accept me... not even myself. When I talk about it... it feels so wrong...

I know, I know this is a generic cry for help, but there's no one else to turn to...

[Lori]

If you are TS you don't have a choice. You have already chosen. There is only the gut wrenching agony of delay. How long is up to you and how much you can handle.

[Just Mandy]

Hey lost... I feel for you. You have to do what makes you happy... not what others
expect of you.

You can put the GID feeling away... many of us do... but if I had
to do it over... I'd choose to do it young... I think most, if not all of us would tell
you the same thing. If you are TS you will have to deal with it at some point.

Amanda

[Janet_Girl]

Let me speak of my life.  Twenty years ago I started transition.  I got scared because of family and socity in general.  I am now 54 and I kick myself for not continuing with transition then.  I have hurt more people, including myself, by not continuing.  You will need to decide if you will continue to let others control you or if you will be your own woman.  I know you love your family, but if they truly loved you they would back you.  Do not make my mistake and let other drive you to depression or worse.  Yes you may lose them, but you need to be happy and only you can make that happen.

An old chinese proverb says " Make a choice, right or wrong, and deal with the results later".

Good Luck and Peace in your journey.

Love
Janet

[Robyn]

See a gender counselor - the sooner, the better.

See our list of gender counselors under Medical links.

Robyn

[monica_mis]

I agree with Robyn, seek a gender counselor...

They will help you begin to sort things out, it is a long journey and any help you can get along the way is great. But the ultimate decision is yours as to whether you act on what you feel inside.

[lostandconfused]

Gender consular... I'll need to come out to my parents... and I'm afraid to...

Posted on: April 26, 2008, 12:56:55 PMARGGHHH. I hate it. I hate the thought of my body slowly turning more manly everyday, my voice rotting away. There isn't even much I like about having a female body, I just hate the masculine side. I don't have much of a problem most of the time until I'm laying in bed with nothing to distract, then it HAUNTS me. All the pressure, I can't wait, but yet I MUST wait until I'm sure... but I'm never share. But my dad, how can I ever tell him. He found out I was crossdressing and made it very far that I was a "disgrace to the family"... there are so many things that are too late... like my voice... how that haunts me everytime I speak...

[Valentina]

Being transsexual is tough and not knowing how to act upon your feelings is even harder.  Look for support groups... maybe even start one of your own.
It's so hard now because you want to be who you feel you are on the inside. But, try to be patient with yourself and realise you've got to go about this on your own pace.

As transsexuals there are so many times when we have to act, or fake it.  Do things slowly... small steps... transition one thing at a time. Make a list... for instance next week I'm gonna make my first appointment with a gender specialist. Then next week set yourself a different goal and try to accomplish it. You're stepping into who you are, an unknown territory still, but don't know how to get there yet.  Remember that the world is your oyster and you're the pearl! Good Luck! :>)

[Godot]

Like what others said, it's best to find yourself and be happy and comfortable with yourself first before you let others know. The palm reading thing I would not put a lot of stock into and believe exactly what it says but if a life changing decision was coming your way it'll only be for the better. A lot of transsexuals feel unaccepted by everyone it seems but there are people who will accept them for how they are..

[Elwood]

I'm having a similar situation. As far as I know, your happiness comes first. I have to distance myself from my family if I want to transition, because they too feel like I am a freak and disgrace. They don't say those words, but they act like it. What is worse is that they think I'm a liar. They think I'm MAKING up my feelings. That is hard for me to deal with... I think we're in a very similar boat. I don't feel so lonely anymore... But I really wouldn't want to share this boat with anyone because it sucks.

I'm sorry that your face has bothered you... miss? Yes. I have a similar problem, except I am the reverse of you... I notice my body increasing in femininity and that is a problem for me.

If you are new to being transgendered, it will feel wrong. It felt so wrong to me that I DENIED it. I was borderline transphobic. I'd tell transpeople that they were crazy for thinking they could be a sex that they weren't. I didn't realize that sex and gender are not connected and they aren't binary.

Everyone in this thread is giving words of encouragement. Both you and I need to remember that our personal safety and happiness comes first. It hurts to have our families mad at us. I think it hurts more to deny who we are. At least post transition you can look at yourself, be with yourself, and know that's you... I look in the mirror and I ask, "Who is that girl and what is she doing in my room?" I'm sure you have the same issue, except switch the pronoun...

It's scary. This is ALL in my hands. My family has always been there for me. But when I said I was a boy, they dropped the ball. My mom restricts me more and more. I might disappear from this forum if she finds out I'm on it. She wants to make me dress femininely and she wants me to live life as her daughter. But that's not who I am. I'm sure your dad has pushed you to be masculine, or will eventually. Parents who are opposed try to stop or change their child's gender identity. It's very hard, very frustrating. Especially since my parents think I'm LYING about it all. They think it's my way of seeking attention. But I've made it clear. I want to be a normal boy who blends in with a crowd of boys. Not a flashy transsexual...