So a couple days ago my aunt, cousin, and his fiance came to visit for a few days. Overall it was lovely. Aunt Sharon is a joy to be around, Cousin Andy is an absolute delight and his fiance is gorgeous and a total sweetheart. I really liked seeing them all especially andy because we won't be seeing him for another 6 years (he just got done with medical school and is now about to go to the other side of the country to do the next step and he might even get to goto third world country and fix cleft lips and stuff cuz he is a surgeon who wants to do corrective plastic surgery.)
Okay enough of the backstory...
They all know about me, and before they came over my mother was on the phone with them talking about me. "Oh yes, he... she is just as wonderful as always. Kyle, Claire, we switch back and forth, whatever. Not much has changed really, he's the same person. Just... You know, come with smiles and hugs and everything."
I thought a corner was turned! Wow, she's now even considering my correct name and pronouns.
But like always when we are around/have over guests or relatives my mother switches into super male-names-and-pronouns mode. She does it every time! When we're just alone she tries to go easy on all that stuff, but with guests she goes crazy.
Always referring to my little brother and I as "the boys" or "my boys" and then with all the extra people around I get called "kyle" and "he/him" FAR more than usual...
It just makes me really depressed and questioning how well I pass even though they're saying it just cuz they knew me before and I am not insistent on them changing and not because I don't pass. I never get "sir" in public. I never get called he/him or am referred to as "kyle" except inside my home by my family and with all the extra people around it gets really hard to ignore and I just felt really crappy the whole time. But I'm sure it's not the only thing. Not fitting anything I tried on when I went shopping with friend yesterday prolly helped with that depression too.
I wanted to, for whatever reason, really wanted to show them how much of a girl I really am, but that sounds like I'm just a dummy trying to overcompensate or something.
These feelings will go away. They always do. I just felt like spilling out.
