I wish to introduce myself...

[Gregori]

I am Gregori.  I am FtM, early to mid 40's transgender. 

I have had no surgeries, have had no hormone therapies, have had no couceling.  The likelihood for surgery or hormone therapy is zero and my likelihood for counceling is rather slim.  As a result, I am simply looking for support, where I can find it.  I am looking for like minds who might be able to give me tips as to live out the rest of my life in as much peace as I can manage.  I am hoping I might ask for specific assistance in some issues, like nightmares and how to deal with being called "ma'am" and "lady" without either running screaming from the room or yelling at them.  I am hoping a moderator or admin pops by to tell me if I should start separate threads for these things.

At this time in my life and my "bodies" dimensions, any alterations to said body is not going to occur.

I am faced with living as a woman, being addressed as a woman, and all that everyone reading this understands.  I am told that in the town in which i live it would, even if I could be, be physically dangerous (due to assault) to live openly as a transgender.  There is no hope for an improved physical situation.  What I have now is what I have now... I am going to have it until I die.  Unchanged.

What I seek is assistance with the emotional problems I am experiencing as I go through this, knowing that it is not going to change.  I seek coping skills so I can hold onto my identity as myself... Gregori.  I do not know if all transgenders have, in their minds, their own bodies, their own looks, but I do.  To me, Gregori exists, despite looking down and having his existance disproved.

So, what you have with me is a man at the end of his rope (the rope is fraying and I am dangling over a cliff), in his middle age, looking to survive until life's natural processes take him with as much as possible of his mind remaining intact.

Thankyou for your time.

[wolfie]

welcome gregori!

you have most certainly come to the right place. feel welcome to ask any questions you may have and don't be afraid to jump into posts.

by the sounds of it you have a tremendous amount of strength and courage, this is admirable.

i like how you said:

To me, Gregori exists, despite looking down and having his existance disproved.

that is a very good way of putting it and exactly how i believe many of us feel or have felt.

   tino

[Nero]

Hello Gregori,
We're here for you.

At this time in my life and my "bodies" dimensions, any alterations to said body is not going to occur.

How can you be so sure of this? If it's because of medical complications, don't answer that, I understand.

I do not know if all transgenders have, in their minds, their own bodies, their own looks, but I do.

OMG, yes. Down to the last detail. It haunted me always. I think I might've remained in denial forever if not for the fact that he began materializing before my very eyes these last few years.
I looked in the mirror one day and thought, "Holy sh**! He does exist!"

So, what you have with me is a man at the end of his rope (the rope is fraying and I am dangling over a cliff), in his middle age, looking to survive until life's natural processes take with as much as possible of his mind remaining intact.

I believe we have all felt this way at one time or another.

To add to Tino's welcome, we're glad to have you here. We need all the guys we can get.
I look forward to hearing more from you.
Nice meeting you.

Nero

[Chynna]

Welcome, Gregori
Let me say Besides echoing Wolfie & Nero.......
It's never too late to change.
Despite almost any reason
if that is a path you choose and are dedicated to making yourself happy on the outside as well has the inside.
Whats more painfull your mental anguish or the physical pain you MAY experience by people for living transgendered?
Speaking from an individual who has had her azz icked more times then I wish to count I myeslf would prefer the physical as oppossed to the mental assualt I constantly gave myself!

But hey that just me
But Realize being the person you are.....Impossible... should not be a word in your vocabulary
Here you'll find all the emotional support you are looking for by people who are just like you!

So I leave the floor to more knowledgable and capable individuals who can better relate
Nero, Wolfie, Marco, UP, etc.

Gentlemen!

Chynna Doll

[Gregori]

Thankyou my friends.

Wolfie, I most certainly do not feel strong, but thankyou.  I feel quite weak.  I also do not feel courageous, but again, thankyou.

Nero, I would be most certainly interested in hearing more about this.  I know what I look like, down to a scar on my cheek and an odd eye color.  However, I cannot see myself. I believe I would not be losing my mind if I could see myself in the mirror even once.  I have not looked in a mirror for over 8 months now.

Chynna, I would do anything, undergo any pain, to make my mental anguish cease.  This is not a matter of physical pain.  This is logistics and doability.  It is money and facts.  Permit me to explain:

Surgery is inaccessable to me for a few reasons.  First, I am in my early to mid 40's and the likelihood of passing all the tests is difficult (though I think I would), secondly, if I tried to live in this town as is required (for a year and a half) I would be beaten to death, thirdly, this body has a bad heart and lungs (minor surgeries are difficult), fourthly, I am broke.

Hormone therapy would bring my voice down into a lower register and increase my muscle mass.  However, I am a double D and this body is quite visibly a female.  I would be a muscly, deep voiced woman.  As far as the emotions and mentality of a man, I have them.... in spades.  Assuming I could benefit from hormone therapy, with a bad heart and lungs I am a little hesitant to throw something into my system.  Also, who is going to convince a doctor to give them to me and how am I going to pay for them?

Coucelling (the only thing left):  I am looking, however, things look rather slim for a man of extreme financial limitations and the nearest possible coucellor I live by is 2 hours each way.  I have not yet contacted this coucellor... shall do so Monday.  Her advertisement does not state she takes medicare.

I could bind, but binding a double D is, well, difficult.  If I bound, 'I' have the fat deposits accociated immediately with a girl and am 5'6".  There is no doubt in anyone's mind that this body is female.  People with me agree that binding the breasts is going to make me look like a flat chested woman. 

Hence, the only option I have is to live out my life as it stands.  I walk as a girl in that world.  I am known as a girl in that world.  When I step out that door I am seen and addressed as one.

Impossible is in my vocabulary for surgery and hormones.  It is impossible.  Binding and non surgical mods are, mostly, useless.  So now what I do is establish exactly what I have to work with, no blinders on my eyes.  I take what I have and I have to accept stark, staring reality.  Now, with this stark, staring reality I learn to live out the rest of my life.

I am trying to find a way to survive with what passes as my sanity intact when I finally meet my end.

[Chynna]

Gregori,

Allow my to help you realize some other FACTS you haven't considered from my heart and mind to you baby.

Surgery is inaccessable to me for a few reasons.  First, I am in my early to mid 40's and the likelihood of passing all the tests is difficult (though I think I would), secondly, if I tried to live in this town as is required (for a year and a half) I would be beaten to death, thirdly, this body has a bad heart and lungs (minor surgeries are difficult), fourthly, I am broke.

I have never meet anyones qualifications nor have I ever been to a therapist or Endo. nor did I ever live a year and half before I did anything So as far as trying to meet someones requirements to be yourself there IS A WAY to meet only one requirement yourself. and like you I was sure that I would be beaten to death (almost was once or twice) but im still standing my dear in heels no less!

besides I like a good fight do I have to move to your town for a year and a half???

Bad Lung and heart.....I'm HIV+ and at one point in time was diagnosed with AIDS have an immune system that couldn't fight off the microbes found in an ordinary cup of water. I have minor\moderate brain damage due to physical abuse and have asthma and a weak heart now those are serious complications just has severe as yours are.l

Being broke I can relate...but I have found out there is always a way the area I live in Philadelphia as several clinics that provided transgender counseling, therapy, and HRT on a sliding scale if not free we are a state funded agency so me being the realist know we are not the only TS resource that serves broke folk! I am a counselor at the clinic for GLBT Youth And HIV issues and would be willing to see if I could find out whats in your area if you like (might take some time but I will definitely try)

Hormone therapy would bring my voice down into a lower register and increase my muscle mass.  However, I am a double D and this body is quite visibly a female.  I would be a muscly, deep voiced woman.  As far as the emotions and mentality of a man, I have them....

Perhaps Underground Panther might be able to shed some light on that.

I sense by reading your words in your post you are depressed and perhaps waiting a bit to enthusastically for an end............ I can definitly realate
I am just trying to say to you that it does not have to be this way there is always hope.
don't short change yourself or deny yourself of the dream of being just you!

I know Im an optumist and you probably don't want to hear this but there IS ALWAYS OTHER WAYS.

If you want you can PM \ e-mail me in private

CHYNNA

[Gregori]

There is hope for me... learning to live in this situation.   That is the only chance I have.

I have people researching the net for resources available to one in my situation.  The options are, so far, shall we say... limited.

I have been told that there is some doubt of this body surviving any surgery requiring to be "put under".  Last time I had a surgery was in '94 and they had to call in a special anaesthesiologist. 

My hope is in training my mind to accept my situation, not in changing my situation.

[Nero]

Gregori,
Tino was correct, you are strong. You're facing this knowing your limited options and you've survived thus far, that is strength.
As far as the mirror thing, I really can't explain it, so I attribute it to maturity - though I'm way past puberty, somehow my body matured further. Or maybe he just had to display himself. I don't see the whole picture, but parts of him coming through. Actually the picture is almost complete, just need top surgery and the face could stand to lose it's soft edges, and then if I'm correct, there you have him.

I walk as a girl in that world. I am known as a girl in that world.

I feel you. The only words I have are:
You know who you are, even if everyone else fails to recognize it.

To me, Gregori exists, despite my looking down and having his existance disproved.

I'm with Tino, that says it all.
My heart goes out to you and I'm here if you need to talk or anything.
Maybe some of the other guys will have some advice on how to handle this.
Just be Gregori, don't give the body a thought, just be you.

Nero

[Chynna]

I feel you. The only words I have are:
You know who you are, even if everyone else fails to recognize it.

Well said sir....well said

[tinkerbell]

Welcome to Susan's Gregori


tinkerbell

P.S. I'm very proud of you, sir.

[HelenW]

Welcome, Gregori, To Susan's!

I've learned that when things look impossible to me, I should really say to myself, "Impossible for now!"  Things change.  Always.  So there's hope always.  No one can predict for sure what the future will bring.

I can't give any advice for someone who wishes to be male even though I've been masquerading as one for many many years.  Perhaps minor binding with very loose clothing?  If voices can be trained to speak higher I would think that they can be trained to speak lower too.  The men on this forum will be able to offer more advice, I suppose.  But I do know that we must keep remembering that others have gone before us and have made it through even when opposed by greater odds.

I'm very happy that you found us and have decided to join.  Please consider Susan's your new, replacement, rope.

Again, Welcome! 
helen

[Gregori]

I am most pleased and honored at the reception I have recieved here!  I have been cast adrift and ignored for quite some time.

Most thankyou Tinkerbell and Helen!  I believe I have thanked all others and, if I have been remiss in doing so and hence missed someone, my apologies.

I do have my voice modulated to a lower pitch to the point where sometimes I am addressed in the masculine occasionally on the telephone.  I am certain that it is apparent from how I write that I am a soft spoken man at all times... with my preferred soft speech it is relatively easy to maintain a lower register indefinately. 

I could bind, but again, binding would only reduce a double D so far and this body is so remarkably feminine as to make such efforts null and void.

I am quite pleased to make Susan's my replacement rope, Helen. 

I have not mentioned that I have some blessings to accompany the pain.  I have the blessing that in my home I am addressed as "he" and none consider me otherwise than "he".  I know that many do not have this blessing.   I am also blessed to have lovers who think of me as "he" (I am not going into specifics).  Hence, I have it luckier than many people in my situation.

I suppose that I am just suffering what I assume is common for a non-treated transgender of my age.  By my age and in my health I just must face the bald reality and find a way to live with this.  As I say, I do not say that coming to peace with this is impossible.  Changing my physical situation is impossible, however, due to the things I have mentioned above.  I also cannot "pass" and I accept this.  So, now I learn to stay sane with this knowledge.

Thankyou all for saying I am "strong".  That means much to a man who considers himself to be a classic basket case.  I heard long ago a statistic for older untreated transgenders: 45%.  I am trying to not become a statistic.


I do believe I shall like it here.

[Dennis]

Welcome, Gregori. Everyone else has said it all, so I'll just add a welcome.

Dennis

[2GregoriTrue]

I read through the rules I could find, and I apologize if I am out of place.  If I am, please forgive and know I will gracefully find my place with significant others.

I am Gregori's lady.

Gregori, there IS hope for surgery if you ever want to do that.  It can only be your choice but there IS hope.

We recently moved into a gorgeous antique home, which we rent, but the owners wish to sell.  You already know the steps I am taking to purchase this home for us.  Love, the surgery is half, less than half of what this home would cost, and I would gladly take the loan to do surgery over purchasing this home.  The utter truth is, that I would rather live in a small apartment, and have you happy and fullfilled, than live in a mansion while you struggle to hold onto your identity.


Your last heart exam showed no noticable damage, so that has improved.  At the time of your respiratory issues, you were extremely more in need of medication to control your illness and that has also improved--Not to mention that anestesiology has come a very long way since you had that assessment.  You know by the experience with my own mother, and her heart problems, that they have come very far since then.  I am not saying it is without a doubt an option medically, as I am not a doctor, but I ask you not to give up hope, or shut the door on possibilities.  Please do not give up, I will not, and I do not want to fight alone.

I love you, Gregori.  I always will.

Thank you all for being here for Gregori.  I can give him love, I can try to understand, and try to say the right things to soothe him, but no one can do for him what you can do... truly understand.  Thank you so much.

Inga

[Nero]

Gregori,
I don't know what you mean by please delete. Don't feel embarassed, man. There are many significant others here. You're lucky to have such a caring lady.
By the way, how are you doing today?

Nero

[Peggiann]

Welcome to this wonderful place of such caring people Gregori and Inga.
Inga you are fine here. You may want to come over to the Significant Other's Board and post too. Also put in your own introduction on the introduction board too.

I read your post on Pam's and will wait to address some of those issues you raised there in your own post in Signifcant Other's or Introductions.

Welcome both of you.

I am out of time here today but will look back in soon.

Smiles,
Peggiann

[Kate]

I do not know if all transgenders have, in their minds, their own bodies, their own looks, but I do.  To me, Gregori exists, despite looking down and having his existance disproved.

Interesting you'd say that, as I often refer to myself as being "transpersoned" rather than "transsexual." It's not so much that I feel I'm the wrong sex specifically; but rather, that I'm the wrong person, one who *happens* to be a different sex than the body-image my mind sees.

If I relax my sensory expectations, and allow my mind to feel what it instinctually knows, I can feel... with perfect clarity... my "real" body. I normally feel disconnected with my actual body, as if I'm driving it around using levers and dials and buttons to command it as I will. But when I relax into my real body, I AM her... there is no disconnect. It's like waking from a dream, where I can feel not merely particular secondary characteristics, but an overall sense of joyous belonging and relief, of being natural again. My entire bodily *gesture* changes - instead of me holding on to it, it instead cradles ME. It's an experience that comes easier at night, while falling asleep, and I instantly both smile with joy - and cry in dispair at the "curse" I've temporarily glimpsed through.

I recognize bits and pieces of her in the women I see and encounter, always resulting in a frustrating, teasing ache to BE her... I want to say "again," which makes no literal sense... but that's the feeling. It's a home that I've lost and desperately long to return to.

[Gregori]

I love you Inga, and am grateful for your support and love.  However,  I am not going to put is family in further debt for myself. I refuse to do this.  We are not millionaires and I refuse to put this householding into debt for my comfort.  I refuse to have us live in a dinky, cockroach ridden apartment for my comfort. 

The medical doctors do not know the extent of this damage to my heart because I have, admittely, not allowed further examination of my cardiac process.   I know my heart and I know medicine.  I know what is right and what is wrong...  I know the symptoms and symptomology.   I also know what is damaging and that which I have engaged in between then and now is considered dangerous (there is much).  The only test performed upon myself is an EKG which is, clinically, useless.

You know why I cannot pursue this process even if I were to have a complete "green light" from medical doctors and even promise that I would not have to fight (I am not going to elaborate).  I know medicine and have spoken with those in the medical field.   The reason I will not allow further diagonosis of my cardiac condition is one you know of.  I am dealing with a risky proposition at best.

You also know of what I speak.  Even if this situation is medically addressed it shall not resolve the issue.  One cannot take a 5'6 inch female into a 6 foot plus male regardless of what occurs.  One cannot grant the moneys of a wealthy person upon the poor.  One cannot make a rural population tolerant of someone like myself for a year and a half.  And, again... there is the issue I do not desire addressed.

My Love, I know what I have to deal with... the emotional and mental complications as the situation stands.  As is.   

All I seek to do is address the situation I am in... I am going to live this way for the rest of my life and I know it.  All I seek is to do this as comfortably as possible.

Thankyou most kindly, Peggiann.

I am certain I am not addressing anything past Inga's reply to me because I am not in the best "mood".  I shall return upon the morrow.

[Kate]

I am going to live this way for the rest of my life and I know it.  All I seek is to do this as comfortably as possible.

Hope is more painful to bear than dispair.

And yet... and yet...

[Dennis]

Your height should be the last thing you're worried about Gregori. There are lots of short guys (me included -  5'5) and we're no less man than taller guys. There are bio men shorter than me. Lots.

And if you had diabetes, would you sacrifice your health for the 'family wealth?' Listen to Inga. You're lucky you have a partner who is willing to support you.

Dennis