sexual arrousal and gender identity

[stephb]

I spent many years before understanding that I was TS rather than something else. One of the things that has made it difficult is understanding how sexual arrousal complicates this. Let me try to explain.

I've known since as long as I can remember that I felt like a girl inside. Even as a young child, I knew that I felt drawn to feminine things. Not that I was ever effeminate ... I always played my male role well, so that no one knew what I was inside. Even when very young, I can remember getting arroused thinking about it. This was an age when I didn't even know what getting arroused meant.

As I entered my teens, I experimented with cross-dressing and all the other things we do as we explor our identities. I alway got very arroused during these times. Of course, I always had a very strong sex drive, and most things would arrouse me until I got older. Getting this repsonse always made me question whether I was TS, TV, or in some other catagory. It seemed like getting a sexual reponse implied that I was drawn to the cross-dressing rather than being a girl.

Into my twenties, I thought about this a lot, trying to understand myself. Although I wanted to become a woman badly, I feared that, once hormones and SRS diminished my sex drive, I would realize that it was just a sexual desire rather than an identity problem and regret my decision. Sex was very important to me then. Knowing that there was some risk of losing sex drive altogether, I worried that this would leave me feeling that it was all a mistake. So .. I continued to try to live with it.

As I grew older, I still continued to cross-dress occasionally as a release. I began to realize that I no longer became as arroused during these times but felt more at ease, relaxed, and comfortable with myself. Although I still enjoyed sex very much, it was less entertwined with my identity issues. Other than some very brief, isolated events, my sexual activities were always with women and I never felt drawn to males. During sex, however, I usually fantasized about being a woman.

As I grew even older (and older and older ...), my sex drive has lessened more. My gender identity problem has gotten much worse. I began seeing a therapist, and she has confirmed my diagnosis as TS. I now know that I am TS and accept myself as that. Oddly enough, I can now imagine having sex as a woman with a male and I know that I would enjoy it. I am still attracted to women, so I suppose my orientation would be BI.

So, my purpose in writing this was to describe how sexual arrousal confused me for much of my life in understanding my gender identity and taking action at an earlier age. Now, my life is much more complicated, so deciding how to deal with it involves more people who I love.

I suspect that the younger girls here may not identify with this story, but I'm curious if some of the the older women can identify with this.

Any thoughts?

Steph

[TheBattler]

Steph,

After reading the your post I was wondering about your age. Many points within your post I can totaly relate to. That sexual desire for cross dressing has died down for me to the extext that I often wonder why I put on a skirt. Many times it is out af habbit and it helps me to relax however when my flatmate leave my house I am sure I will be dressed a lot if the time.

I always worry when I hear that gender identity problems grow with age as many people have said. Thats why I am now arming myelf with as much infomation now so I know how to deal with any future problems/situations.

Alice

[Chaunte]

Steph,

Does your history ever sound like mine!

I can imagine having sex as a woman, but I am drawn towards women.  To be completely honest, instead of thinking myself as bi-, I would have to describe myself as more asexual.  I simply find that I don't have much of a sex drive at all, sort of like a certain consulting detective from the late 19th century! 

My transexualism has increased over the years.  One friend has described it as a repressed feeling that has built up to where nothing can contain it any longer.  Perhaps I became tired of being what the world wanted me to be, and started living who I am on the inside.

Chaunte

[Sheila]

Steph,
   I felt somewhat like you felt. I never got aroused by wearing fem clothes though. I started dressing at age 5 but not putting a lot on maybe a skirt or a slip or something like that. It felt comfortable and like you feel when you are home. I had a sister that was a year younger than me and I use to go in and borrow her clothes when no one was around. I'm more asexual and I really don't care about sex that much. I never have, even as a teen. The girly pictures never aroused me they only made me think that "I wonder what it would be like and if i would look like them" 
Sheila

[sheila18]

  Sexual  Orientation has changed for me over time. I had wonderful sex with women  For years I could orient my arousal only by a certain type of girl wearing a particular type of clothing  then
I have been  aroused by the thought of a particular situation, with time changes


 sheila

[Kate]

Yea, I can relate to most of that.

Now you KNOW I can't resist theorizing, so here's a thought I once had to explain those of us who had erotic feelings about all this early-on (not that it really matters, but)...

I've *always* been fascinated by girls, even as a very, very young child. Obsessively so.

AND, I've always wanted to BE a girl, even as a very, very young child. Obsessively so.

My childhood friends at the time didn't seem to care much about girls. That kinda bothered me. Here I am, a little brat of 4-5, and all I can think about are girls (envying them, being one, how they looked, what they did). I didn't know much about sex of course, but I knew enough to feel ashamed, that it was "wrong" somehow to be so focused on the "other" sex.

I was certainly "attracted" to girls, even then, though it'd be difficult to define what that meant. But thinking about girls was certainly exciting - thought incredibly frustrating as well.

Which all makes me wonder... I'd imagine that people normally form a sexual identity early on, with their sexuality manifesting much later in life. Now I wonder what would happen if someone's sexuality developed too early, simultaneously with their sexual identity? I wonder if the distinction between what I WANTED became forever blurred with what I AM. After all, want = desire = envy = possess = become.

In most people, there seems to be some sort of mental circuit-breaker that allows them to WANT someone without identifying with them. I always found that odd, as if you think about it, the "impulse" of sex is to get inside someone else, merge with them, wrap yourself in their essence.

Hmm... or is it? Now that I typed that, I wonder if that's how other people feel? It's how *I* feel though, which is what makes me suspicious about the TSism thing in general.

You could explain it with the usual model of course... that the early fascination with girls was simply longing to be what I felt I was. And if I (we) are sexually attracted to women, then the whole thing becomes saturated with erotic feelings in *addition* to the identity problems.

But... it's a thought.

[sheila18]

 for me it was ...i was going to say different but not is exactly the same, I have been viewing it as different stages of conquering and taking and stages of being dominated and giving..but it all boils down to merging...
love sheila

[stephb]

Kate,

Your comments about wanting=becoming were interesting. I, too, have thought along those lines.

I think the main point I was trying to get at was the confusion that my earlier sexual drive caused. It was a big factor in why it took so long for me to accept that I was TS and not TV. Although it wasn't always the case, I am never arroused by cross-dressing, just profoundly comfortable and relaxed. It's actually nice not to have to deal with the "tent-pole" problem.

Now that I am older (57), I can clearly see that my motivation is gender identity and not cross-dressing, but this caused much confusion for me in my earlier days. How could I be TS if I was turned on by dressing? I must be TV, instead. But I still felt like I should be a woman. Also, it was very clarifying when my therapist told me that I was obviously TS. I had tried for so many years to explain it in other ways.

I still enjoy sex with my wife, although not as frequently and I usually fantasize about being a woman. I enjoy the closeness with her, and the emotional connection as much as anything.

Thanks to all of you for your kind feedback.

Steph

[buddJT]

Steph

Your story is my story.  And from the replies it seems like everyone's story.  This makes me wonder, Does our sexuality define who we are in later life?  Or are we in a different catagorey than those that say I wanted to be a female from age 3?  I never had those feelings when I was young, it is something that developed in my adulthood.  The fact that the feeling is getting stronger everyday seems to be happening because I am learing more and understanding more and meeting people here which starts to make it feel normal that I have those feelings.  At the end of the day, is it sexuality that drives us to want to become females or males?  The brain is a very complicated circuit but our actions in life definelty have an influence over it.  I can't put my fingers on it.  Any thoughts?     

[stephb]

As I said above, I think sexuality confused the subject more than defined it for me. I now have a much clearer picture of my gender dysphoria than I did when my sex drive was much stronger. When I was young, just about anything would get me turned on, and I couldn't imagine that sex would be something that I could live without. I enjoy sex, but my need to be a woman is stronger than that. As a woman, I may be hetero, bi, lesbian, or asexual. I'm not sure it matters that much. I would like to have a close emotional relationship with someone that includes physical intimacy, but the specifics aren't that important anymore. Being a woman and being accepted as one are more important. Does this make sense?

Steph

[Kate]

makes me wonder, Does our sexuality define who we are in later life?  Or are we in a different catagorey than those that say I wanted to be a female from age 3?

There seems to be an infinite number of categories. Despite my best efforts to shove people into neat and tidy boxes, these humans continue to elude me. Squirmy little buggers they are.

There are *traits* that can be categorized to some extent. Attracted to men or women, crossdressed or not, find dressing up erotic or not, always knew or realized later, want to be a woman vs. want to be female...

And yet, I've seen every combination possible of these traits.

I myself have always known, and yet I can't deny that there was always some sort of "thrill" surrounding all this, even at 3 or 4. And yet, specific articles of clothing didn't turn me on, yet looking like a passable female did.

Really, I think God is just having a great laugh at our expense, tweaking a sexuality here, an identity there... just to sit back and watch us run around in circles tying to figure out what the heck happened to us.

If I make it into heaven, there's gonna be hell to pay.

[sheila18]

 All:
One reason why I want to leave the "i want 2 b a woman/man" thing out of the equation  for a moment is because of the issue of dysphoria. For M2F/F2M it means that we dislike us being male, period. The only alternative left for us was the point of: I don't want to be a man "I guess I have to be" a woman/man, especialy when we are young and have never heard the term Dysphoria. ....perhaps all we need to be is what we already are: ->-bleeped-<-s/Kings(just one term chose your own)
Sexual orientation certainly confused matters,  I agree with StephB
Sheila18

[Kate]

some how the only alternative left for us was the point of: I don't want to be a man "I guess I have to be" a woman/man, especialy when we are young and have never heard the term Dysphoria. ....perhaps all we need to be is what we alreabe are: ->-bleeped-<-s/Kings

For many people, that's very true. In fact, one of the reasons I've been holding out on transitioing is because I HOPE(D) that very epiphany would happen to me. I'm starting to turn blue now though from holding my breath.

But.. I didn't hate my maleness when I was young - I merely envied, with a desperate passion, the girls around me. I only started to hate certain aspects of being male later on, after puberty kicked in. But by then, the "I have to be a female" obsession was already firmly entrenched, and apparently wasn't a reaction to the later hating of masculine traits.

But I'm apparently quite insane and out on my own special little tree limb, so don't go by me...

(lovin' the open, honest questioning in this thread!)

[stephb]

Kate,

I felt much the same as you. I didn't so much as hate my maleness as wish I were a girl. Sometimes I even appreciated being male, but not often. I always beleived I had a female brain, and had to purposely hide it. Now, there is little about being male that I enjoy, and I wish all signs of it were gone.

I think there are many of us on that same tree limb that you are on.

Steph

[sheila18]

  Yes, I envied women and their quiet power that was so clear to me and to top it off they were beautiful and people loved them for it, I wanted that, however when I looked in the mirror that kid, youth, man staring back from the mirror was not me. I did not hate me my maleness I just did not want to be a male because I did not view myself as a male sheila

[Melissa]

Ok, this is something I recently figured out.  You may ask why there are some of us that express wanting to be a woman and others that express that they are a woman.  It's quite simple really.  Those that express that they are a woman have made the mental transition.  Those that express that they want to be a woman have yet to make the mental transition.  Sometimes people make this mental transition at a very early age and sometimes it isn't until they start transitioning that they go through the mental component.

I will honestly admit that when I first started transition, I wanted to be a woman.  I didn't feel like I was trapped in the wrong body.  Over the next few months, I was able to make the mental transition and I realized that I was a woman who had thoroughly convinced herself that she was male due to the fact that she had a male body.  However, I didn't have to look any further than my heart to realize I had all the emotions, thoughts and instincts of a woman.  Once I accepted that I was really a woman internally, I felt much more free about expressing who I really am.  I had to actually "own" the fact that I really am a woman.  I'm sure people on Susans may have seen this change, because I sure did.

I have heard other people state that they went through this same thing, so I know it's not just me.  To start successfully living fulltime as female, I think that the mental component of transition a necessary step to complete. Some people may require years of therapy to get through that part and some may attempt to live fulltime as female before completely making the mental transition.

Melissa

[TheBattler]

Ok, this is something I recently figured out.  You may ask why there are some of us that express wanting to be a woman and others that express that they are a woman.  It's quite simple really.  Those that express that they are a woman have made the mental transition.  Those that express that they want to be a woman have yet to make the mental transition.  Sometimes people make this mental transition at a very early age and sometimes it isn't until they start transitioning that they go through the mental component.

Hmm, I wonder if that other night was a start of a mental transistion. I have always thought myself as a man but maybe the mental transistion would be helpfull to me. For those who missed it this is what I wrote the day after 'that night'.

The other interesting thing that happened last night was my flatmate was out for the first time in ages. I quickly got dressing into a nice girly outfit  and found myself relaxed. Much of the talk in the chat room last night was focussed on self acceptance and not worring to much about the future invitable relisation.

Well this morning the something has changed. I have always worried that we are all going on programs within our minds and sooner or later my could switch to 'you are a TS'. It feels like someone has flicked that switch this morning.

I thought after that morning the thoughts in my head would intensify but at the moment it is just sitting in the background. A few time I have caught the 'you can not do this you are female' thought and turned it into 'you are male period'.

Alice

[Melissa]

Well, maybe you should try not resisting those thoughts.

Melissa

[TheBattler]

At the moment I am gathering as much infomation as possible from the net and places like the Gender centre in Sydney. Next week I am going to Sydney to met with everyone at the centre and plan to spend a few hours with Carol. From there I plan to make some choices about where I see myself going in the future.

Last night I had a chat to Sam a local girl here in Canberra and I plan to go out as Alice to a dinner we are organising.

Alice

[Melissa]

I was chatting with Carol this morning.  She has a cold right now.   Have fun with her.

Melissa