Sometimes, I find myself smiling inanely like an idiot, unable to stop grinning and giggling. The joy of this state, of becoming myself is the most amazing experience, the greatest joy that overcomes every self-conscious, awkward reading, every discomfort as bits and pieces grow and change, every depressive low.
And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is happiness here - I'm still discontented. I have things that I desire, things that I strive for and would like to change. I have as many concerns and probles as every other person on the bus, and I also worry for the future. But the joy, the freedom that is slowly opening itself to me here ... wow.
My mind is able again to feel and express like when I was a child. Men demand control, control of themselves, of those around them, of their environment. To a man that control is a gift, a tool that allows him to act coldly when needed, to be hard and dangerous and brave and occasionally damned foolish. But to me, that control was like a straight-jacket, one that smothered me for 15 years. It was like my empathy was choked, my intuition deadened, my feeling cut off. Now it's free, and I feel joy. I am overwhelmed by sadness and beauty. I can cry and laugh again.
I feel a lightness of body. It's like everything just moves right, like the parts just fit better. I am become surer and more confident in everything I do. There is a looseness and flexibility to me now, a suppleness and animal grace that is so intoxicating. Men are rigid, hard and unyielding. To a man, that rigidity is a blessing, power to oppose and endure, strength and force and brute will to overcome. But to me, that rigidity was a vice. I was awkward and clumsy, bull-in-a-chinashop dangerous. Now there is a looseness, and I can dance again.
I don't know if this is something natal women or men ever get to understand and appreciate as fully as I do now - the joy of being confident and secure within your mind and body, the privelage of a matching spirit and flesh. They say that we can never truly appreciate something until we've experienced the contrast, the opposite. Until it has been taken from us. If that be the case, then I am blessed.
~Simone.
